Male

30

Well I (as is anyone else out there) am a changing creature. I have my highs and my lows. Normally I fill in a bio like:
“I am an Eccentric Gothic fantasy lover, I enjoy going to interesting venues and playing RPGs, I am fun loving and adventurous. I listen to a wide variety of music but tend to prefer techno, trance, and alternative rock. I’ve recently discovered I have some furry tendency’s witch I'm trying to explore a bit more. On a second revelation I have discovered some aspects of BDSM; I am also trying to explore this genre as well.”

However I have decided to build this Bio with some snippets forms Lows and highs, and fill in some commentary between. Here is an excerpt from my journal several months ago (edited for relevant content)

“I realize, in some part of my conscious mind, that I need to be more confident and assertive to improve my relationships, and communication with people. However fear of people's opinions of me keeps me locked in a spiral of death. It is a vortex, or maelstrom, sucking down all attempts to escape, and pummeling hopes and dreams against the cold jagged rocks below. Even as I can see the glimmering rope that is reason, and knowledge of what may possibly be the answer. The space between scares me, what if I don't make it to the rope. What if the rope doesn’t lead where I think it does. Perhaps I deserve this cold, drowning water that is stealing the air from my lungs. Maybe if I just sit here it will all wash away? But sadly the torrent is self sustaining, constantly churning, and only has one drive. To see the complete, and utter destruction, of the man who was known as Connon. “
“I wonder if I will ever have the courage to reach for that rope. Or if there is still a part of me that doesn’t want to be saved. Some part of me that believe that I need this punishment. Do I punish myself in this way for people to notice me? My rational mind says if this is true, why not find a less painful way? I think to myself to what lengths I would go to, if only to love and be loved.
What is love anyway, a random set of neurons firing off in sequence causing a sensation to the brain? Some deep spiritual connection between to spirits, joined forever? Or just a simple desire to see another happy, to know that they have joy because you provide that for them? I have struggled my entire life with the concept of Love. I have given my body to those who I have thought I have loved, to serve and protect them from pain. I have sacrificed and suffered for the joys of others. While special times have been had, there is always a lingering feeling of emptiness in the end. Are these the ways and feelings of true love?
Perhaps I dream of perfection, where one can just be as they are and please there love. A feeling that all that you want to do is also the wants of your love. A place where all that your love desires, are desires of yours as well. But it seems these are but fantasies of hopeless romantics. Where is it then, when the balance is tipped, when the sacrifice is too often given and not returned? How does one know when to give and when to ask for more?
And so I'm here writing a small book, searching for the answers to questions asked centuries ago. Yet the answers are different for each person I suppose. So many different perspectives, so many unique lives. “

This was written in a dark time but still holds an amazing amount of value. I look to it on occasion and wonder about the deeper mysteries. However I have also learned a great deal since then and I am trying out the concept of multiple loves. People that are themselves not ones complete other half, but maybe have a fulfillment in each others lives that they couldn’t get alone. However at the time I write this I am still in search of someone to share myself with, and to have them share with me. I know I will find someone someday, but the intervening loneliness in not appreciated. Luckily I have many really good friends that help fill the emotional void, and help a little bit on the physical as well. Witch brings us to a more recent clip:

“I’m picky and I can admit it, however teasing and being flirty is always fun. Over all a good night, much enjoyment to be had, but there is that lingering frustration for more, oh well. I guess I really shouldn’t complain, I get to be flirty and have fun, witch is far more that I was doing as recently as a month ago. There is the part of me that would like to find someone cute, and has a great personality to be more than just a bit flirty with. There’s however another part of me that asks if I’m really ready for that yet. I have been exploring (through conversation only at this point) my own issues with self image, shyness, and social anxiety. I am making fairly good progress at identifying my behaviors and addressing them in a mature manner. I hope to have some more work done in person with a good friend of mine, who is willing to work with me on these aspects, but they still plague me pretty heavily. In the mean time however, I'm pursuing some hobbies I've picked up, and still trying to get the boat completed.”

And yes I have been working on my social issues, not just in conversation anymore. I have run a couple social experiments on my self with the help of friends. And they have greatly helped me break out of the wall flower syndrome I was in. I now have enough confidence in myself to introduce myself to new people and join in conversations on occasion. It is an amazing sense of freedom to be able to do these things now. I know the road still has many miles left to travel, but at least I'm rolling along it now.

Hopefully this set of clips and narration have helped get a better feeling of who Connon is in your mind. If you have more questions about this mysterious man, feel free to message him, He enjoys the company.