Look within

I believe we must all look within ourselves for validation and happiness. In my experiences I have encountered some who seem to think that finding bliss and fulfillment is achieved by finding a specific person to love. I’ve also known people who seem to need validation from others which I believe is the very reason that they are unfulfilled and unhappy.

If we seek others to validate us then our happiness lies in the hands of those we seek validation from. This is not only unrealistic but can leave us frustrated or unhappy because it is very difficult to please others and meet their expectations. If we look to others for our own validation we are giving up all of our power and sacrificing our own hopes and dreams in our efforts to please others.

In order to achieve true happiness and fulfillment we must first be in touch with our own desires and feel good about ourselves. This is quite difficult if you are not pleased with yourself as a person or if you do not live authentically and seek out your own joyful activities, vocations and relationships.

Some people spend their lives seeking an ideal relationship believing that once they find that perfect mate their own happiness will be achieved. It is my personal belief that no matter how wonderful your relationship is, if you are not happy within yourself and do not feel that you are a good and worthy person, no relationship will fill the void within that you continually seek to fill. The void is within you and can never be filled with a relationship. That hole inside of you is the dark empty place where self loathing, insecurity and self doubt reside. It’s a lonely emptiness created because you do not feel worthy of true love or bliss.

Many people will continue to spend their lives seeking fulfillment that cannot be achieved through alternative, casual sexual relationships or spontaneous monogamous romantic long term relationships. I believe that most instant LTR’s are unrealistic because neither person has taken the time to truly get to know a person before stating or believing they are in love. Each person may project an image of themselves trying to be precisely what they believe their new love interest is seeking, rather than being authentic.

I believe that people who alter themselves to become another's ideal mate do not feel that they will be loved and admired for who they really are but instead believe they need to fit into the idea of what this other person is seeking. They spend all their energy altering themselves and their actions to be the perfect mate for this person they hardly know. I know there are exceptions to this idea so I am generalizing but I believe this to be true for the most part, particularly with on line relationships.

My philosophy as I continue to grow and evolve has become one in which I believe we can only truly fall in love when we are both being completely authentic and real on every level. How else can we fall in love with one another? If we are not keeping it real and being true to ourselves then a person is falling for a fantasy or an image that either we ourselves project (trying to be their dream) or the other person may be idealizing us and presuming we are everything they desire because they want desperately to believe they have found their soul-mate or an ideal romantic match.

I do not typically feel the need to say the words to you about who I am unless you are not hearing me and you put me on a pedestal or refuse to believe what I am telling you about who I really am. This need has come up mainly through long distance or on line encounters because real time interactions allow me to show you who I am through actions rather than written words or phone conversations.

Self awareness is a life long path and we are all continually discovering more about ourselves through each relationship and interaction in our lives but no one knows me better than I know myself. I have found that on line interactions inspire me to "tell you" who I am which is why I prefer real time interactions but I do believe love can be found on line if both people are authentic.

I am blessed to be surrounded by others who also live authentically. I have learned not to keep people close who refuse to see the “real” me or who cannot show me who they “really” are. If you believe everyone is manipulative then I suspect those are the types of people you allow to be close to you so that is your personal experience, however it is not mine. I am surrounded by honest, trust worthy, very loving people and those are the types who continually enter into and bless my amazing life.

I do believe that relationships that are unhealthy are meant to teach us more about what we want and can have in our healthy relationships. I view them as very profound, necessary lessons in my life. I no longer allow guilt or loyalty to cement me to those who are unhealthy or unrealistic. I do however; try to help those friends who are struggling on their own spiritual path because they need my love and understanding. I am not implying that every person is perfect (especially me) but I recognize those on the path to enlightenment who need support and encouragement.

Heres how I think we can find our own fulfillment; Stop looking to others for validation and look within. Live authentically and strive to be the best, most loving person you can be. Learn to love and accept yourself unconditionally. Understand that no relationship, no matter how passionate or gratifying will fulfill you if you are not happy with who you are or if you do not feel worthy of love.

If you cannot look within for your own joy and validation no relationship will bring you true happiness. Know that you are a good person worthy of love. If you haven’t been such a good person know that you can become the wonderful, amazing person filled with love and light beginning this very moment. Look within and find all the love and fulfillment you will ever need…Then when you find chemistry and attraction to a person who loves themselves and does not look to others for validation or joy and you both fall in love, the love is real and can be everlasting. You will both enjoy fulfillment and bliss as you love and support one another throughout your life.

Karmic balance

I am a firm believer in the philosophy that what goes around comes around in this lifetime. Karmic balance is achieved whether you are a loving, thoughtful person who lives by the golden rule or a negative insecure person riddled with loneliness, bad luck, drama and sadness.

What we put out in this world is always returned to us. We are given the gift of reflection through our relationships. Reflections of self through the actions of those we keep close can teach us things about ourselves that we may not easily recognize. We don’t always want to believe that we treat others poorly. If we are not yet the person we want to be we may disguise our own bad behavior with distractions, relationships, work, drama or stress in our lives.

If we put out love, light, understanding, compassion and treat others only as we wish to be treated guess what happens? We receive all that love, kindness and understanding back into our lives. The more love, understanding and kindness we put out, the more love, understanding and happiness is returned to us. When we are judgmental, non communicative, dishonest or selfish that is what finds its way into our lives making us unhappy and unfulfilled.

If we refuse to be accountable for our own actions and blame others for our own situations and relationships then we only succeed in pushing ourselves further away from our joy and dreams. I think you’ll find it very difficult to break your own unhealthy patterns if you are not accountable and you’ll stay in a holding pattern of sadness, loneliness and unfulfilled dreams.

I believe that taking responsibility for our own lives is the first step towards achieving our dreams and finding bliss. We all hold the key to our own joy. We can each change our own luck or unhealthy patterns and be the person we want to be. I don’t believe in beating ourselves up for being a person in the past that we are not proud of, for treating others poorly or for acting in ways we are ashamed of. I do believe in reflecting upon our own behavior for the sake of accountability and taking the steps to change who we are and how we treat people.

How can I change my own fate you wonder? 1) Be accountable 2) be brutally honest with yourself and those around you 3) recognize how your own actions put you in the position you are in. I should clarify, some are born into poor situations and have a pre-disposition to bad situations which requires even more work and reflection. Once we accept responsibility we can begin to identify our own patterns and begin to break free of them if they are not serving us well. These changes bring us closer to our own joy and fulfillment. Do NOT let dread overwhelm you and know that you can change from the inside out. It is never too late to change. We must be compassionate and loving to ourselves during the process. Think of it as treating yourself the same way you treat the friends and family you are so kind and loving towards.


We should all remember that when someone treats us badly the fact of the matter may be that we treated another this way or perhaps it’s a reflection of a quality within ourselves we do not care to see yet it exists. I view those reflections as an opportunity to grow and change something about myself that no longer serves me well. It could also mean that I am meant to teach a person how to love themselves and learn to trust, let go of their judgments and begin to realize that they have the power to change themselves and be truly happy. In some relationships we may be meant to teach love and understanding and that person needs your compassion and understanding. They may need for you to be a healthy role model. This may be the very reason you have come into one another's lives. You show each other who you have been and who you have the potential to be.

I have learned to love and accept myself with my flaws and I offer this same acceptance to others. I’ve let go of any self loathing and I always try to approach others who are negative with love and understanding. As a kindred spirit who understands the pain of unhappiness due to self loathing, I have the ability to be compassionate and non judgmental in most situations. I try to live authentically and ethically and surround myself with those who live similarly. I approach everything I do or say with the highest level of honesty ( especially with myself ) and clarity that I am capable of. I know that I create my own joy and healthy, gratifying relationships. I take full accountability for my life, which includes my successes and failures, although I believe failures often teach the best lessons. Joy and fulfillment is something we are all promised. We only need to make the choice to receive it and dedicate ourselves to doing the work to become the loving, compassionate beings we are meant to be.

a different sort of poetry

I ran across some of my old dark/erotic poetry and thought it was worth sharing....

My precious one

Beautiful devoted slave, she is my ravishing creature
drawing out her darkest fantasies and learning
her deepest secrets brings me tremendous pleasure
her reverence illuminates my dominance
her illusive sexual energy is conducive to my deviant nature
the trust she places in me as I push her to the edge of her fears
proves to me that my precious one gives herself willfully
I know of nothing that my adoring slave will not do for me
I am fascinated by what lies beneath the surface
of my bright and stunning little plaything
My dominion holds the key to her pleasure chest of deviant desires
My little girl’s sensual essence sets my soul on fire as I
conspire to unlock the doors and draw forth forbidden secrets
hiding in the shadows of her brilliant mind
It was with great honor that I adorned her with my collar knowing by
her own sovereignty, my lovely courageous slave had chosen me

By Charrice

Finding our soul mate...

My theory (perhaps others share my perspective) is that our soul mate, divine counterpart or life partner is a merely a reflection of self. One must develop a healthy relationship with themselves in order to find our soul mate or one true love. When we have devoted the time and energy to a healthy relationship with ourselves; when we dig deep and truly get to know and love who we are inside and out; when we accept our own past and embrace who we are, who we have been and who we shall be, we are emotionally prepared to unite with our beloved in this life.

If we seek to find true love we must understand that the person we are trying so hard to find is within us. Our beloved is the essence of who we ourselves are. They encompass all aspects of who we are and are a beautiful reflection of self. Because your divine counterpart can be like a twin or one who possesses the qualities within us that we need to recognize in ourselves, that person already knows every aspect of who you are. You communicate effortlessly because you speak the same language. You relate similarly in the world, possess the same aspirations, hopes and dreams.

I think the same is true of those kindred spirits we encounter on our spiritual journey who become incredible friends. When you connect with someone who relates, communicates and feels as you do the bond is immediate and inescapable. I have been blessed to encounter such kindred spirits and develop amazing, life long friendships. Those incredible friendships are instantaneous and they are the most gratifying and effortless in my opinion.

We do not need to look outside ourselves for our mate, but instead we must look within. If we achieve a perfect love of self, meaning you truly love yourself and hold no judgments against yourself, our beloved is manifested and the universe brings you together because you are both prepared for your divine union. You will not be denied true love if you achieve that perfect love of self.

I am on this path but am not quite there yet. This is the only reason my beloved hasn’t shown herself as of yet. She is also doing the work of healing, self love and acceptance in preparation of our divine union. Once we have both achieved that deep love of self we will no doubt find one another and build our incredibly happy life together. Together we will create our own unique family and live a life filled with love, light, joy and bliss.

The universe decides the appropriate time for soul mates to find one another; all we must do is develop that loving relationship with ourselves. If we do the work and fall in love with ourselves (falling in love is a term I use for deep love of self) then we will never be denied the unconditional love of our life partner, soul mate or the “one” as I like to say.

During the period in which we wait for this to happen we are likely to have many romantic relationships and those may be wonderfully fulfilling or dreadfully painful. I believe each of those relationships serves the purpose of teaching self awareness and understanding. Every relationship we develop serves a purpose in our lives whether they are healthy and fulfilling or not. I value each of them greatly but I recognize that they are only distractions from the “one” I truly seek.

I believe that perfect love of self is achieved when we embrace, honor and cherish ourselves, essentially treating ourselves the way we would treat the love of our lives. When we achieve that we are granted the perfect union of love and we are lifted to higher realms. Both people in the union reach their full potential because they are reflections of one another. Both know how to support, love and encourage one another to achieve their dreams and reach fulfillment in every aspect of their lives. If you have ever encountered two soul mates who’ve found one another in this lifetime, you may understand what I am stating. They are fulfilled, complete and blissfully happy together. Such lovers bring out the best in one another and encourage each other to achieve their own greatness.

It is this philosophy and belief that sustains me as I continue to do the work. I feel as though I am on the brink of achieving a perfect love of self but I recognize that for me, there is still work to be done. When we speak the words, thoughts become our reality. This is precisely why negative thoughts and self loathing manifest bad things or the unhealthy relationships in our lives. It is also why I tend to write and express my thoughts out loud to those I relate to in my life.

I encourage all who want to find true love (but haven’t found it yet) to look within yourself. You need not be a perfect person with a squeaky clean past. You only need to learn to love yourself unconditionally, free of judgement or self loathing. Your search for that perfect mate will no longer be necessary. Once we achieve that perfect love of self our beloved will drop right into our lives. Most likely when we least expect it because we are so busy living authentically and following our dreams. Our true love will cross our path and we will not be able to prevent the inevitably of our divine union. The relationship you have with yourself is the most important and meaningful relationship you'll ever have so it deserves every bit of the attention and focus you give to all the other relationships in you life. Love thy self and thine love shall appear.

Creating unique initmate relationships

There are as many styles of relationships, as there are names for them. My personal belief is that two people in love can create their own unique relationship that is not necessarily modeled after anything else. Those two lovers take aspects of various types of relationships and incorporate them into their uniquely loving, intimate relationship. I have always been in control of my own sexual sovereignty. I find myself attracted to others who live similarly and make no apologies for it.

I’ve always been drawn to alternative people, relationships and ways of being. I do not fit into the societal role of a woman. My inability to fit into such a small box never suited me and even as a child I knew I would never fit into those roles. As a much more confident, self aware adult I chose to step into a few alternative lifestyles on my quest for true love. That is the ultimate goal I set out to achieve throughout all of my sexually intimate experiences. When long term romance was not possible that didn't deter me from my path as I continued to learn and grow through the connections I developed. One thing that always existed in these relationships was mutual respect.

Accepting this truth and understanding that I am motivated by love, trust and a deep intimate connections shed crystal clear light on the path I chose and the lessons laid out before me on that path. The brilliant light of love of self is what illuminates my various paths (sexual, emotional, spiritual) of self evolution. It is only when I deny what has brought me to a certain place, that I cannot see what was to be revealed as it’s cloaked in the denial of what is true for me. If I am true to myself and express myself with absolute honesty to those that cross my path the connection we find is real.

My motivation for the various lifestyles I have explored has always been true love. I sought out to find that uniquely loving partner who shared my interest in power dynamics and role playing but that aspect to the relationship was never the most critical for me. I have learned what is most important to me in my intimate relationships. Mutual respect is a key element, essential to my intimate relationship. Once there is mutual respect and attraction, mutual trust can be developed between two people. From there so many other wonderful aspects to the connection can blossom, particularly when trust is tested on deeply intimate levels. Mutual physical and intellectual attraction is certainly a necessity. I think that a strong attraction to one another’s intellect and ways of thinking and moving in the world make the connection flow naturally and nothing needs to be forced.

I’m attracted to the way a woman perceives things and how she expresses herself to show what it is she truly believes. Women who are unafraid to be affectionate and have no problem being wrong occasionally. I find it so alluring when a person can be “real” and can easily admit when their closed minded thinking is limiting. I adore a person who can express a desire to grow and expand their thinking. We all need to continually grow towards enlightenment which requires us all to admit mistakes, grow from them and move forward with a greater understanding of self.

I think that the healthiest, most intense and erotic relationships allow for both people to express themselves without censorship on any level. I cannot imagine a relationship that limits either person’s self expression. One test of the depth of that relationship is the trust that one can open up themselves completely and share their deepest darkest fears, fantasies or experiences with their lover knowing that there will be no judgments only the deepening of the love and mutual respect. It shows tremendous strength and vulnerability, trust and love to be completely open with another person. One’s ability to truly love unconditionally is proven when we do not judge our lover but embrace them and understand the level of vulnerability and trust being displayed.

I don’t think a relationship is possible at all if you remove the element of honesty or mutual respect. The balance of power must be equal in the relationship itself although I completely agree with chosen roles, balance is also essential. Personally (this does not apply to anyone else) I enjoy power dynamics because it’s a choice that both have made and there’s such a powerful element of trust that cannot be denied.

I’ll continue to hold out for the one who’s thinking is in line with my own, the woman who’s attracted to my beauty, intellect, passion and honesty. I don’t believe anyone can get to know who I am inside and out by simply trading emails which is why on line relationships are of no interest to me. I want and deserve something and someone as real as myself. I post this as a first step towards manifestation of fulfillment for myself in the realm of true love, happiness and romance. This New Year can bring fullfillment and I am ready to receive fulfillment and true love. Namaste - Charrice

Goddess of my dreams

a kiss from her soft lips filled with desire
her yearning wrapped in the sultriest whisper
the touch of her hands setting my soul on fire
our true love inspires my absolute surrender
to the one I am meant for
I will give my heart unwrapped and tender
to the one I adore, all my passion love and trust
her enchantment spellbinds and captivates me
she ignites the fire that relentlessly fuels my lust
perfection is an illusion and not all it seems
my beautiful Goddess exists, even if only in my dreams

by Charrice

Promise of a new year

It is the last day of the year today and the sun has invited me out to play. Her warmth and kindness nourishes my body and spirit during these dark and sometimes lonely months of winter. The blessings of life in Santa Cruz always overshadow all the little annoyances that aren’t even worthy of the smallest complaint. As I look back on my life in this amazing town I honor the reasons I have chosen to spend my life here. I have been blessed with loving friendships. Goddess graced me with the ability to reach out and connect with like minded spirits and being one who didn’t have this ability growing up, its value in my life is infinite. My roots have sunk deep into our Mother earth and I’m surrounded by love and light here.

What have you learned about yourself this past year? I have learned a great many valuable truths and lessons for which I am eternally grateful. The biggest lesson for me is to trust only what is “real” that can be touched, seen and felt down to your core. What is imagined, or the illusions we create don’t move us towards our fulfillment but essentially distract us from what we truly desire. We must remain true to our heart’s desire and not be blinded by the brilliant fascination that attraction and desire can set in our path. The bright and shiny objects that break our concentration as we move towards our dreams. We must not settle for less than true love and absolute honesty in our relationships. Without honesty passion holds no facination for me.

I am responsible for each situation and I have a choice in how I respond which creates my own reality. The importance of true love and passion in my life is something I’ve always known but Goddess has definitely stepped in to remind me what it is I am holding out for and why. I recognize my own ability to surrender to love when it’s true and when it is an illusion there is something that doesn’t resonate or feel quite feel right in the connection. I’m learning to better trust my own instincts and revel in the gift of intuition Goddess helps me attune with each passing moment.

I’ve grown to embrace the amazing person I am as well as all the incredible individuals who fill my life with love and light by simply being who they are meant to be. The capacity to love and understand others blossoms for me with each passing moment. Each emotion and response that fills my spirit reveals my human nature. I’m continually learning to nurture those who need it the most and reaching out when I need support too, which shows my vulnerability. If it’s my role, I will guide those in need towards the self love that allows us all to connect deeply with one another because we are all one. Many other times I am the one who’s reaching out for the love and guidance of a teacher, friend or lover. These are ways of being I must continually strive for but it is where my heart leads me. I only need to listen and trust, live and love.

My intentions for the new year are to live as though tomorrow may not come; love with abandon and unparralleled passion; learn with an open mind and heart from each incredible relationship I’m granted; move into my most authentic self. Ultimately knowing thy self, trusting that my beloved will cross my path at the perfect moment in my life…following my hearts desire where-ever the path may lead me.

sublime union

Quickly swept up in the passionate intent
Reality overshadowed by romantic notions
Filled with passion, love and trust
She must dig beneath the surface
To reveal what this vulnerable heart conceals
She must gently peel back the layers of a multifaceted woman
Be patient enough to discover all the desire and pain that will be exposed
Her subjugate kiss unveils the hidden questions with answers unfledged
Kiss her again with lustful desire and something untamed will be released
What lies beneath the surface of this complicated, most simplistic of creatures
The passion that overwhelms, the intensity that infuriates
The lust that drives you, the trust that can never be matched
Ascension to our most authentic selves
Born of love, passion and desire is our fulfillment


by Charrice

The promise of a new day

The promise of a new day gently coerced me from my slumber. I didn't wish to rise from beneath my warm and comfy sheets but the morning persistently taunted me with promises of something wonderful, until finally I submitted to her gentle coercion. How could I resist her excitement to expose me to new things, to teach me more about the Goddess and how to express my gratitude to her?

The sun has not yet awakened to spread her warmth and comfort among us. The mighty sun will welcome us all soon, but the moon is still out lighting up the morning sky. Goddess engulfs me with her loving energy; she showers me with her blessings; she inspires me with her continuum and prowess. She generously brings teachers, lovers, friends as her love and acceptance connects us all to one another. How may I humble myself to her and express my undying gratitude, as I worship her upon my knees. I offer her all that I have to give, my adoration and loyalty, as I ingratiate myself at her feet.

Goddess bestows upon us the precious gift of a new day. I cherish the meaningful connections she continually brings into my life. Each new friend or lover teaches me more about my most authentic self; each connection teaches me how to love more deeply and how to let go of ego and insecurity. How may I adequately express my gratitude and honor for such powerful relations that set me on a new path of worship and inspiration. As I fall at your feet in hopes that you will teach me, I humbly give myself to you without reservation. The power of the Goddess's love coerces me from my peaceful slumber each bright new day as I awaken feeling more blessed and loved.

I'm in a state of Gratitude

I’m filled with gratitude for having a lifelong dream become a reality but what struck me wasn’t my own joy. It was the reality that our fulfillment is right before us if only we believe we are deserving. Of course we must also be ready to receive what we’ve always dreamed of. I understand all too well, how we can fear achieving our own goals or can feel unworthy to receive what we desire.

As I began to write in my journal I found myself thanking the Goddess Santoshi Ma. Santoshi Ma is the Goddess I asked (and still do) not only to guide me to my fulfillment, but to give me the strength and courage to acknowledge and accept my own worthiness. I think we can often achieve our dreams but our inability to feel worthy prevents us from truly being happy and achieving our grace.

I am lucky to connect with kindred spirits along my path, who each teach me (by simply being the beautiful spirit they are) how to open myself to the destiny we all share. Fulfillment is a destiny we all share but most of us let our fear and self loathing stop us from achieving true happiness and fulfillment. We are all capable of achieving our full potential but fear itself prevents it for so many of us.

I hope anyone who reads this will open themselves to their own fulfillment and trust that it’s right before you if only you accept it without fear, guilt or feelings of unworthiness. I know my fulfillment is right before me, but because I felt unworthy my path has been slow (yet steady). I understand I am only ready to receive pieces of my joy but that only makes me more grateful for each piece I am blessed with. We cannot receive our joy before we are ready and capable. Trust that you are preparing to receive your fulfillment if it has not happened yet. Continue upon your spiritual path until you are ready to receive your joy and grace.

I learn so much from every authentic person in my life that my spiritual growth is assured because of the person I am. I do believe however, that my own ideas of what is right for me can be far too limited and therefore I must learn to let go of the attachment to such limiting ideas.

The whole point of these ramblings was mainly to express my gratitude for the ability to recognize how I am the only one in this world that prevents me from achieving my dreams. I am the holder of the key that opens the door to realizing those dreams. If I humbly ask for guidance it will be placed right before me. A negative past does not have to hold us back. It has the potential to teach us gratitude, understanding, tolerance and love.

I have many other dreams to fulfill but I realize they can all come true if only I believe that I deserve them. I am dedicated to helping others learn that we all deserve true happiness. I’m eternally grateful for those in my life who teach me how to open myself to unconditional love and fulfillment.

Life is such an amazing, unexpected journey. A dark, self loathing past does not mean one cannot achieve love, light, true happiness and fulfillment. My personal darkness has been balanced with loving light and this is how I’ve began to achieve my own joy and grace. The path will continue beyond this fleeting moment we call life on earth.