I stumbled upon an old journal of mine. The meat of it was written sometime in the middle of my marriage, so there's some pretty heavy stuff in there. i found a peice that i can't remember writing, but describes me nonetheless.

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Here I am? Here I may be... here i'm still searching. Kaylah had some bad habits, some tendencies, confusion, some anger and some rage. Kaylah had too much love for others and none for herself. We could call this the hunt. The batism or excorsicm of Kaylah. She was a girl who ever so often found herself wishing for dead. The demons of doubt held her hands for years and took her further into the arms of evil than some could even fathom. After being given a new name, and an "eternal" promise, these black footstones became a rediculous excessory. How does one renovate the black of the heart? Here is where we are... The human mind is wired with a memory and an intuition. We remember our mistakes and we learn from them. Can you see her beauty? The hair falling on her back tells a story... of the last year or so. As do the scars and the scratches, and the body itself. Where's the need for a mirror? The outside is already the utmost reflection of what's going on inside. If she feels beautiful and sunshining happy, her bright eyes will tell you so. What could bring about this beauty? at this time? Not drinking, nor smoking, but simply inner peace.
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So as a creative spirit, i have the best outlet in dance (costume design, choreography, fire spinning and music). For some reason, recently a number of people have been asking me why i quit writing music. Well, after i said my vows, it appears that my creative spirit went through a dark ages of sorts. Part of me died. I sacrificed alot, but a new me was born. That me, is the dancer i always wanted to be, Kari. I still play my guitar and i still sing, almost as if i lived in a musical... i spiraticaly burst into song from time to time. I still have plans to eventually record some of my own stuff. But i feel the singer songwriter Kaylah was the caterpillar that went into hiding in it's cacoon for a somewhat scary time of growth, only to bloom into a bigger, stronger, butterfly. AKA Kari. Dancing has just opened so much opportunity for me, and keeps me stimulated unlike anything else, but one should never put all their eggs in one basket. There is still much to learn... and much to create.
<3