My Blog
Some tangential thinking on relating...
Tue, February 20, 2007 - 10:33 AM
As part of the event, the class had prepared a bunch of questions about me -- what my work is, did I like to read, why I chose the book...
Amongst these were four "what is your favourite" questions; favourite book, favourite author, favourite sport, favourite food.
So I'm sitting in front of this class and I rattle off a list of half a dozen authors and what I like about them and five sports that I really enjoy and a handful of foods and if you think I'm going to pick just one book you are out of your mind...
After reading the book I climbed on my bike and headed to work and wondered about this.
I wonder about how people can put their favourite books or music or movies in their profiles.
I just can't do it. I can't single out a single experience, flavour, thought process, or musical rhythm that defines me or fills me or completes me.
In fact, I think my inability to define a favourite has taken on a life of its own. I refuse to be pegged to one way of thinking or another. I won't be nailed down to something because I know it will, and I WANT it to, look different tomorrow.
Don't get me wrong. There are some things I am absolutely passionate about, that will be a part of my life forever, but I'm not good at picking favourites. This isn't some ADHD thing. I'm good at loyalty too. Most of my favourite authors and favourite foods and sports have been with me all my life.
So, of course, because I have been thinking so much recently about how I relate to people, I couldn't help wondering if the way I feel about favourites also affects how I relate to people.
There are a few people throughout my life that really truly rock my world. And I want to honour each and every one of them in their own special ways for the special parts of my life they fill. So, perhaps deep down inside, I'm just poly. About everything.
So can I make committments? Yes. Just as most of my favourite music and authors have been with me for decades, I want and expect my deepest relationships to last a lifetime too. Somtimes, as I found out recently, that doesn't work out. But I hope that I don't have to go through that ever again.
So, as I work through my own ways of relating I choose to embrace the idea of poly fidelity because I believe it honours who I am while honouring the relationships with those I love so deeply.
Now how's that for going on a tangent?
Tue, February 20, 2007 - 10:33 AM -
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9 Comments
9 Comments |
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Tue, February 20, 2007 - 10:43 AM
Ohhh, my newest Tribe friend, I think I like you a *lot* already...
The picture is enchanting, BTW. |
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Tue, February 20, 2007 - 10:51 AM
Three cheers, Blair. I know just how you feel. (LOL - my profile lists about a million of the tried-and-true-favorites that have been with me forever - I don't even bother trying to immortalize the flavor of the moment.) It's not that strange, actually, for people to feel this way - although maybe the flexible ones among us are few and far between, and that's why we feel out of the ordinary sometimes...
Interesting and brilliant tangent, though, to relate it to being poly!!! I think that might have more to do with it than it appears on first glance. I like to think of it as openness...of heart, and of mind. You share some great insights, my friend. |
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Tue, February 20, 2007 - 11:33 AM
So poly doesn't have to mean fickle....
I think I get it. I also think my brain might explode.
Kids are into favourites. And kids are fickle. My kids have a different favourite book or favourite toy or favourite food or favourite colour every week. I think learning to pick favourite anythings is about learning who we are. Once we wake up to the reality that you describe, however, we grow beyond the need to cling to something to define us and instead are more content to just be. I think I have resisted the poly label because it carries with it connotations of fickleness, infidelity, and unpredictability. Recent events that you and I have experienced have rocked my world, and not in a nice way. I am scared of what the future holds. I am scared because things that we want and need in our lives to be constant and true just sometimes are not. And that is a hard pill to swallow. Especially given my current state of mind. You'll have to read MY blog and look for recent tribe threads to learn more about that. So thank you, Blair and Free, for showing me, I think, that poly does not mean fickle. That it does not mean unfaithful or disloyal. That it CAN generate a form of security that maybe looks different than the mainstream but is still real and true, open and caring, solid and sure. These thoughts make me feel pretty naked but I'm working through them. |
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Tue, February 20, 2007 - 11:51 AM
Hi Blair--
What I initially listed on my profile were the favorites that I thought of at the moment I was answering the questions, but since then I've added to them as I've been prompted by other posts I've read, or by re-experiencing a favorite thing for the first time in a little while. I'm soneone who watches movies and reads books that she loves again and again, so I add things to the lists as they come to me, or come back to me. Does that make sense? I sort of use my profile as a little bio about myself that gets updated all the time--tribe is the first place I've ever had that let me collect bits of myself and keep 'em all in one spot. Not everyone uses it that way, but I do. I don't identify myself as poly in the relationship sense--I'm an avowed one-man woman and a hard-wired serial monogamist--but I can certainly relate to what you say about being unable and/or unwilling to designate a everlasting favorite in other aspects of my life. And, as always, it's enlightening to read what you write because your level of introspection is so honest and fearless. One of these days I'll have to jump off the blog cliff--and hope there's some water in the ocean!! Jen |
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Tue, February 20, 2007 - 7:27 PM
I use Tribe the way Jen does.
You've inspired me to update my bio. I *love* that graphic!! The crispness and the color really grab me! |
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Tue, February 20, 2007 - 7:36 PM
Ah! It's a serigraph (screen print).
Here's the artist's web page: www.tedharrison.com/ |
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Unsu...
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Tue, February 20, 2007 - 9:19 PM
namaste,
LOL i am poly about a lot of things too! have fun :-) xo beki |
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Wed, February 21, 2007 - 8:48 AM
Thanks everyone for your comments!!!
Khrysso -- this picture is from the book I read to the kids. Both the poet (Robert Service) and the artist (Ted Harrison) were residents of Canada's Yukon. The class I read to has been studying the north this year so I thought it was a good fit. The book is full of art like this. Free -- Thanks, friend. It is so nice that you know where I'm coming from. Jennifer -- I hope you don't think I'd equate a relationship to a change in taste in ice cream ;-) And what you say makes perfect sense. Karen and I had a great chat IRL last night so I thought I'd followup with some further thoughts. This is more about my history, philosphy, and validation of self than about my actual behaviour. It is about being cheated on by a girlfriend and my wife and not really feeling jealous. And wondering why. About really not "getting" the mainstream in which 50% of people cheat on their spouses. About my wife opening our relationship in a not very nice way. About my history of making some really deep long-term friendships with women (although I've always been faithful). About loving a married woman and making our relationship successful while honouring and supporting her relationship with her husband. So, I'm looking for a different-than-mainstream model that still values honesty, integrity, commitment, and faith in one another. Yet one that can handle the curves that life throws at you without all the tearing down that has to happen in conventional relationships. Currently, and for the forseeable future, I have one love who fills up my life with long deep talks, great music, and good love. I'm commited to my relationship with her and want for nothing more. And Karen, my love, I'm sorry about your poor brain. It has been working rather hard, hasn't it? Thank you so so much for all your courage and strength. We've come a long way, haven't we? |
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Wed, February 21, 2007 - 11:56 AM
yeah, a really, really long way. You work pretty hard too (major understatement), so make sure you give yourself the credit you deserve.
You tribe people throw me with all the TLAs.... :):):) It took me a whole minute to figure out "IRL". LOL :-D |