The Not So Obvious

Lame Sauce

DM — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 07:00:51 GMT

Sometimes, no matter how interesting any given situation is, it really just is not worth getting involved. You try and tell yourself that you can kick it and it will all be ok. But you know deep down that you will only be annoyed. I am going snowboarding this weekend, for the whole weekend. And this cat from another ship wants to come. And while this person is chill on some level, I can not fucking stand being within 20 ft....2ft....2 miles, knowing that I might cross paths in 2 years. LOL. I should be nice and say "sure you can come". But why? I don't want LAME SAUCE around when I am trying to escape for a few days. Yeah. You get the point.

Possible

DM — Sun, 15 Feb 2009 07:34:52 GMT

Never thought it was possible to be down here again And never thought it was possible to be Never thought it was possible to meet this way again Isn't this the way it oughta be now, to meet me here I can only see what life will be outside to leave me here Never thought it was possible to be down here again And never thought it was possible for me to grow 'Cause if you take back the empty cold I will be there for you I will be there for Never thought it was possible to be damn here again And never thought it was possible to be Never thought it was possible to meet this way again Never thought it was possible Never thought it was possible Never thought it was possible Such a great track... Glad I found the lyrics.

Points in Time

DM — Sat, 14 Feb 2009 16:45:42 GMT

There always seems to come those moments in which you want to do something but KNOW for sure it is for the worst. You do them anyways, regret it later....and even if you get away with..... you know it was just barely. What you sacrificed was totally not worth the half ass thrill that was provided. Being good at things comes from experience. Experience comes from choices, bad choices. Bad choices surround us. I am surrounded. Nevertheless I make each decision based on feeling. "Can I do this", "should I do this". Yet even then I am faced with facts like "what if you fuck it up" and "you know this won't go the way you want it too." Glory is for those who survive situations they were not meant too. Stupidity (like what i just put myself through) makes for good story telling. But it can also end it jail, death, or even worse. We play games with our lives everyday. I play games with PEOPLES lives every day. Some of it is in speech. Some in body language. Could be faint gestures as well. The way we dress, the way we walk OUR walk and talk our TALK. The point is that "Time only goes in one direction: Forward. You can't change anything by dwelling on the past, but you can fix things you did in the past by focusing on it in the future.." Sometimes you have to just walk the fuck away. Do nothing. Watch it blow over. Most of the time though you should stand right back up and move on with your life. Sitting still won't change a thing. No matter what your choice is; fight, surrender, passively hide, aggressively confront, fail, succeed, loose, win..... they are all just Points in Time.

Many Moons

DM — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 08:00:46 GMT

And so it has been, many moons since my last post. 31 seconds plays on Renegade Hardware in the background, and Todd Guy's endless voice in the background. Many props to this mix keeping me focused. But at last I am fucked, when it comes to being focus. Keep your heads high and maybe some of us will pull through this.

A last HOORAH!

DM — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 23:21:10 GMT

Free of all Navy interaction for 24 days, I have set out to conquer the old ways of sleepless nights. On this day, just before Judgment Day, objects moving across the ground on round things like this will create the great trial and tribulation that will soon be upon us. =) I can not do this with out you all. While the first leg of my journey will be isolated to only a few people do not think that means I have forgotten about you. The first 6 days were preplanned this way to achieve a goal. I look forward to encounters of the drunken mind and the cleansing of spirits, both my own and yours! So let us come full force, full cycle, full circle, come one come all, lets rage it, blaze it (for those who can), and create a haze of a memory of my last HOORAH!

Today, I am but a boy.

DM — Tue, 27 May 2008 03:31:28 GMT

Just as the tittle states I am not a Man today. I am sad, afraid, stressed, unsure and more than anything hurting. The red sun sets on the city of Oxnard, which has become my horizon. The train is zipping through the crop lands and I am praying for it to turn around and take me to my REAL home. Tomorrow brings nothing good at all. From my current prediction I will only make things harder on myself because I am not good at keeping my mouth shut. What I mean by that is when I know someone is wrong, especially when they are lying, and ever more so when that lie effects me and my life, I speak up. Its not that I don't have respect for my superiors because trust me I do. They put in their time and they deserve on some level to wear the rank and assume the responsibilities awarded to them. I am a believer that with that power and being in a leadership role you need to let your "team" know that you are they for them. That doesn't mean I expect him to let me out of work early everyday or hook me up with a day off. But when I am going to be gone for the better part of two years I would like him to stick up for me when I have a small window to accomplish a lot of personal stuff. I do make jokes all the time about the Navy, and do dog on in, but I do LOVE my job. I hate my superiors. Now up until 12 hours ago when I first woke up today, I was sure that I had the constitution to confront this situation head on and rock the boat (per say). But when I woke up from being a drunk ass (sorry to all those who barred witness to it) I felt very alone. And surely you all know I sleep with a goddess. I am NOT ALONE. But today I am but a Boy. I tend to deal with leaving and emotional feelings easier than others. I can see it in their eyes when I say good bye. Hell even Paul gave me a 2nd hug today. I guess I have just always known that if I want to work in this field I have to accept the fact I will be going. I will have to go. And when I must go, I will. I can generally shrug this off. Look forward, head high, take the first step and get the ball rolling. Some have told me this quality represents a Man. Ready to face any day and the challenges ahead. I like being a Man. I like that people MAY just see that quality in me. Not today though. I am but a Boy. Because today I am all of those expletives I spoke of in the beginning. I am afraid. I don't want to cry but I know I am doing it inside. And I am ready to cry enough to hydrate a small African village for months. I am lucky to have to support of everyone. And maybe I am not a MAN yet. Maybe I am always going to be that boy.... but right now that really matters not. Man or Boy, even child, I have to face the fact that in 2 months to the day I will be THERE. And THERE I am afraid of. Each sunset only bring me closer now. -DM-

630pm Sunday.

DM — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 02:58:27 GMT

As the sun begins to ride the horizon out across the Pacific Ocean I grow more distraught. I have grown to dread 630pm on Sunday. I have wished for many things in my life, but there is nothing I wish for more than to make 630pm Sunday NEVER come. It is the mark of reality for me. There is no escaping it. When I must go I must go. And off I am on the train.... back to reality. This is not to say that my time spent at home is NOT real. AS a matter of fact home for me is as real as it gets. I am blessed by friends, by family, and most of all by Emily. And that is why it makes this so hard for me to face. When I depart I don't even feel human anymore. I feel like the shell of someone. Like my soul stays a bit longer and meets up with me later. Most often I write things they are born of a strong emotion. I brew them in my gray matter factory and spit them out. THIS feeling though gives me writers block. I can't seem to get the juices flowing like I normally would. See my job is really the cause of all of this. I do like what I do, I would like it even more if I could change a few things, but I don't love what I do enough to make this worth it. At least not right now. How appropriate, "Wish You Were Here" just started playing. And that about does it for this post.

Revered.

DM — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 05:38:51 GMT

Reflection. That damn word. Reflection never comes when you want it too. Most often we look for reasons and meaning to help us through hard times. Reflection. If we could have it instantly it would make things a lot easier to get over, but less meaningful. That brings us to tonight topic. Reflection. ONCE long ago I was in a very bad place in Mexico. 7 months and 28 days of my life were wasted away. Many of you have probably heard a funny about it before. I would like to say that I truly believed I learned nothing from this place. I had no epiphany. In AA (Alcoholic's Anonymous) they say "Take what you can and leave the rest". Well I left it all there, to be forever 6 ft under my Grey-Matter. Much like the thoughts of my past prior to Santa Barbara or any thought really that haunts me, I stow them deep inside me, never to be revisited. Nevertheless, life has its funny way of resurfacing the past in the strangest way possible. And with its grace of bring me this thought combined with a new found hope and love I have been inspired to release some of this information. The date is unknown. But I was 16. It was never a good day when I was there. Some may have been better than others. If you have ever spent even just one minute with my loving friends you would know that anything that happened to me when I was 16 is NOT fun. The day was not going well as previously stated. This place I was at is in Mexico, and it is not a weekend retreat. It is a facility that keeps you from civilization for one reason or another. Kind of depends on you. And this is why many kids like me are here. Except I am NOT like them. I don't even know WHO I am yet at this point in my life. But we will cover that some other time. Getting set back in a program that never seems to end sucks. And that is why I am up early and in this office waiting for Don to do whatever Don is going to do to me. Don is a good man, maybe with a troubled history himself, but Don is not like the others either. He is just here to help kids. I do not want to be in Don's office. He has his West Point awards and stuff everywhere. But amongst the peaceful chaos in this office that currently represents the workings of everything I despise in the world is this little white framed note with birds of some kind on it. The picture's actual features are foggy at best. But what it said is still as crystal clear as Emerald Bay in Lake Tahoe. "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it never was" Now there are many versions of this saying, but this is the one I remember. Love is a feeling that can make the most hopeless romantic a poet. I can not say that I really let go of love the last time I felt it. I balled it up inside me and it ate me alive. It destroyed everything I was for well over a year. SOME of you have seen me in these states of mind, very drunk, not violent, but not well either. NOT ME. I was trying to replace that "Love" with anything else. I had not let it go. Until this one day at 1:18pm I woke up. I have used the saying "touched by an angel" a lot recently. Well thats because I was. I was lashing out when I was acting like this. Hurting. Dying. Killing myself. But this angel saved my life. She tended to my wounds and let me rest like a god amongst gods. Asking NOTHING of me. Just letting me be. Peace set in all around me. And I realized something. Everyone knows what DMT is. Well if you don't go look it up. They say when you Die the reason your life flashed before your eyes is because an intense amount of DMT is essentially released into your brain. Well REFLECTION is what passed through me. And it is still rocking my world right now. See, that "love" I spoke of was never truly mine to begin with. I believe this to be fact. And anyone who knows what I am talking about and knows what I went through would agree with me (I think). My Angel lit the flame inside me that had long since burned out. And I owe her my life. Oxymoron

Seriously, Fuck off and Die.

DM — Sat, 01 Dec 2007 19:46:00 GMT

Thats just the way I feel about some people right now. I am not used to being this torn inside. Alone in a sea of friends that love me and got my back (Dabis is a good example there). I know you all are there for me but there are to many nights now I am messaging Paul or Aeries more or less complaining. It just doesn't seem to matter anymore how much time I spend doing other projects and staying occupied, almost systematically, almost as if there is an unspoken rule that the second I am to wined down....i get down. Down. I see it everywhere. My subconsciousness dwells on the pain that I seem to not be able to deal with. NOT to say I DONT try and deal with it. But I am not sure where to go. I am empty...i have that unnerving ball in my throat. I cant get comfortable and I become restless. Sure, I am having fun out here in Florida and I will be back soon...but those things don't change how I feel deep down on the inside. This is simple "debilitating" (ty Sam for making that easy for me to understand at least. I know "they" are out there. I know its happening somewhere, sometime, somehow....and I suffer, and I cover it up, and maybe this is why I don't drink, or maybe this is why I should start again. Statement after statement, my aspirations are constantly changing for better or worse or just to be totally fucked up and confusing. Coming back home will not make these things better. Coming back home wont make me stable. I am stable, I am doing just fine EXCEPT when it comes to this. I am always going forward and I have built a decent track record since joining the Navy. Getting things done and succeeding in making Petty Officer in 8 months (which can take up to 2 years for some), playing for the Navy Soccer Team, and the Khaki Soccer Team....I could keep listing things about Volleyball, and Captains cup awards, and the pictures in the local and base papers....I push and I push till I crash and burn...but it never gets easier. Sometimes I think it does... sometimes... I SERIOUSLY just want them to FUCK OFF AND DIE. Sigh.... I could come home and they could be there, I could go to see my friends, they could be there, we share so much that my sanctity is polluted by this. Not tainted because you are all my family and friends. I care about all of you and always wish they best. But i don't feel....for a lack of a better word.... Safe. Home. Anyways, Love you all. -DM-

Sleepless....

DM — Fri, 09 Nov 2007 05:19:49 GMT

I cant sleep.....

Getting the Job Done.

DM — Thu, 11 Oct 2007 20:37:23 GMT

There was a story of four people who's names were EVERYBODY, SOMEBODY, ANYBODY, and NOBODY. there was an important job to be done and EVERYBODY was sure SOMEBODY would do it. ANYBODY could have done it, but NOBODY did it. Now SOMEBODY got angry about that because it was EVERYBODY job. EVERYBODY thought ANYBODY could do it, but NOBODY realized that EVERYBODY wouldn't do it. It ended up that EVERYBODY blamed SOMEBODY when NOBODY did what ANYBODY could have done. -That is a short glance at my daily life. LOL-

The return to LA.

DM — Fri, 31 Aug 2007 04:20:41 GMT

Tonight I return to my childhood. While many people this would be a return to drug abuse this is a return to the smooth DJ skills of Dara and the memories he sunk into me 4 years ago at Respect LA. I can not wait. To be honest I am waiting for Hippie and Shmoe to get there fucking act together so we can take off. Damn they are slow. At this moment many of you are partying it up in the desert, and I am with you in spirit as I take off for an adventure in Hollywood. See you on the other side. -DM-

Ahhh, Home.

DM — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 14:20:50 GMT

It has been a long time since I could breathe the cool Pacific area of California. I have already seen the sunsets and sunrises. These are just things I can not see in Florida. I am most happy with how things have turned out thus far. Most of the time I have spent has been "awake". Not so much sleeping. Running here is a breeze, or breezy lol. The air is so cool in the morning that it hurts my lungs because it is not used to it. Mr. Iwright's was a pleasure. The radio show went off perfectly. It is 7:18 local time and that means it is time for work. Now who takes a "vacation" to come and work? Music junkies who want more music or equipment, thats who. =) And thats me, always wanting more. Time to roll out. Send your good vibes to our friends and loved ones at Burning Man right now. Day 1 begins.

Kick Him While He Is Down.

DM — Tue, 14 Aug 2007 03:51:08 GMT

Doing fine and graduating soon. The Feeling "Kick him while he is Down!" is much harder to describe then it is just to simply feel it and say that it has happened. Lol, someone just said "insult to injury". Kinda the same thing but much more appropriate. See you all on the flip side. -DM-

Farther is Closer

DM — Mon, 30 Jul 2007 04:13:49 GMT

The Farther from Santa Barbara I get, the Closer I become with the place I call home. This was an interesting thought I had before bed. Gone only 8 months and so much has changed for me. While I am sure the overall "big picture" has stayed the same, how it effects me is unexplainable. A wise man once said "I am not interested in the Future, I am interested in the Future of the Future." To me this means so many things. I remember before I left thinking that I did not care so much as to how the outcome of my choice was, more on how it directly effected my relationships with friends, lovers, music, cultures and of coarse myself. The "Future" of the Future, is kinda like a child. You put all the effort you can into your children in hopes to give them everything they need to find their own path. But if the Future is my child, what measure of controls am I putting on it to ensure a progressive and fruitful equality between MY wants and ITS needs? Trouble thoughts I suppose. All answers do not come in time. But it seems all results do. Answers do not always drop on you head like an apple from a tree. However, if left alone and no action is take, results just show up out of no where. So to what depth do I have control over any situation or my future if I can not find the answers I need to make correct and logical choices? Does 'Proximity' effect the things you know to be true? Is that sometimes why we shy away from people we know have wronged a friend, but still since they are close by we chose not to be aggressive in conversation like we would behind their back? Most often I feel like I said earlier, the farther I have become from home the more I respect and love the place I lived. Not to say that I don't like where I am or what I am doing, but it puts an underlying emphases on what makes me care so much about the warm air of Cali, and the cool breezes of the Pacific. Now I have seen 'Proximity' effect a few people around me. It has ruined relationships at home. I see this weakness in ones self. If you could make promises to yourself that you can not keep, what does that say? Granted things happen and change is always in affect. But at some point when you decide to go against your original intentions, you would have to stop a second, a minute, an hour, a day or whatever, and honestly weigh your options. Being True to any one thing, to me, is not easily effect by your surrounding's. Like the fact everyone here listens to rock or rap and just the sound of techno makes them laugh at me. Fuckem I say. It is unquestioned in my mind as to what I love, and no one can challenge me to a battle of wits over the subject. Be Honest, Be Real, Fly True. -DM-

Six Month Mark

DM — Tue, 22 May 2007 00:41:24 GMT

Has not been long, but it feels long. At the same time it does not seem like it was that long ago....when in reality it was. Some oxymoron's for ya. I am very found of where I am at and sadly am not excited to be re-stationed anytime soon. I will miss the Blue Angels flying over head everyday, dropping smoke and doing full formation barrel rolls and loops. I was cruising off base to get some dry cleaning i think. I was bumping jungle and sparking up a smoke. That F/A 18 modified stunt Hornet blew over me like 100 ft off the deck. The music was like a distance wolf howling in the wind of a canyon, compared to the 52mm cannons on a cruiser firing to start a sail boat race. FUCKING AWESOME. Top Gun all over again...my little piece of it anyways. Next mission. Yamaha R1. Then I will be set. Someone needs to buy me a helmet. You don't have to wear them here in Florida. =) lol. I sure will though.

The Back Seat.

DM — Sun, 15 Apr 2007 05:46:45 GMT

I really would just like to make it know that above all else I FUCKING HATE THE BACK SEAT OF THE GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKING COCK SUCKING CAR!!!!

Change

DM — Sun, 08 Apr 2007 15:58:12 GMT

Music is everything. I miss home in a protective way now. Sitting here, alone, in a sea of people. NO one to share my "type" of thoughts with. Sitting here gazing out at the ocean that I will set sail on some day reminds me who I am now and what I stand for. But the music in my headphones seperates me from the crowd and reminds me what I LIVE FOR. Music4Life.

The Lion's Game

DM — Tue, 22 Aug 2006 22:49:53 GMT

"...I dont believe in fate. I dont think we were fated to meet, and I dont think we were fated to make love in your apartment. The 'meeting' was random, the lovemaking was YOUR idea. Great idea, by the way."

Fumbled

DM — Tue, 11 Jul 2006 20:35:09 GMT

So if your in the huddle, and your about to do the play "Blue 42" in which you are normally on the sidelines for, what do you do? You have seen the WR botch this play before, and you think you have learned from his lesson. THE CATCH: A few weeks ago you and your QB said some shit to eachother that has placed your mind in a odd state for todays game, unsure you are able to truely work as a "team" with him. OK: "Blue 42, hut hut HIKE!!" You run your route, and low and behold your wrong....you ment well, but your headed was clouded. Today I feel like that guy..the Wide Reciever.

A sad coming about....

DM — Tue, 27 Jun 2006 20:00:50 GMT

I look now, and it is not so rediculous. All efforts thwarted. Loves labors...lost. Yay. Wasnt the first time though. I was a fool getting played. When someone is so EPIC and thinks so highly of themselves and tends to be overly accepted in crowd of people, whatever she wants is hers. Bored? Lets change that: Add some of this over here, and take away that over there, and VOILA! New things come to life....and parts of others die, forever.