My Blog

Rude people

Johnna(Nyx) — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 16:55:43 GMT

I was standing in line waiting at the coffee kiosk at Baptist Hospital (where I work). The male "Barrista" and customer in front of me are having a prolonged discussion about the movie "Gone With The Wind". She asks him why he likes the movie so much and he says: "I like ANY movie where lots of Yankees are killed..." What an asshole...I would like to add that not all Southerners are like this. I have many friends here that are not still pissed off about the Civil War. To those of you who are -- Get over it -- The North Won. Slavery is Bad.

Houston, we have a problem...and it's name is denial...

Johnna(Nyx) — Sun, 17 Feb 2008 04:43:39 GMT

Come in, Johnna...This is Houston... Uh, yes, Houston..This is Johnna...What's the problem? We have it on "good" authority that your dancing, Johnna...It sucks... I'm sorry, Houston, I didn't get that...bad connection...Was that prancing tomahawks?! Over... No, you idiot, your belly dancing...it sucks...it's really embarrassing OOOOh, I see... when jelly fish sing... they suck...they're embarrassing?! Roger that Houston...they really ARE embarrassing when they sing, right you are..Over... No, No, No...why is it so difficult for you to understand what we're saying?...and don't try to blame it on a bad connection...Your dancing, it's humiliating...stop torturing the unwary public... Ah, I see, you're fumigating your totally unwashed pubics? Makes sense, always a good thing to do. I think they make a cream for that...Any thing else Houston? Never mind...You're cleared for re-entry. Cleared for rear entry?! ...I don't think I like the sound of that!...Houston, we have a problem...Over...

MY FAMILY -- Putting the FUN in DysFUNctional!!!

Johnna(Nyx) — Thu, 06 Sep 2007 01:01:59 GMT

I decided to start a blog entry devoted to stories about my family -- By family, I mean the 11 people I grew up with. Those were some crazy, dysfunctional times, let me tell you...but they were always entertaining... (in a slasher, Friday the 13th sort of way)...Looking back on it, I can appreciate the hilarity, and can laugh about most of it ....And you know, my doctors say that with lifelong therapy and medication, I should be able to lead a "normal" life...still waiting on that ... BROKEBACK MINI This is how my sister AJ refers to the road trip that my brother, Joe, and brother-in-law, Ken, took from Pennsylvania to North Carolina to see a NASCAR race. Both Joe and Ken are big boys and they crammed into Ken's Mini Cooper for the 8 hour drive. When they got out of it at my house, they looked like clowns piling out of a tiny volkswagon -- cue the circus music... Sample of dialog..."I just can't quit you, Ken...is that the stick shift, or are you just glad to see me...? MY DAD's WELDING PROJECTS ASSISTING WITH THE TORCH When I was a kid, my Dad would always ask us to help him WELD...I kid you not...what 9 year old doesn't know how to weld these days, I ask you...Anyhoo, there my Dad would be in his insulated work jacket and gloves...Welding helmet in place...firing up that torch...And there I would be in my summer shorts, tank top and bare hands holding the metal end of some monstrosity he was "creating"...the sparks flying all over my arms and burning microscopic holes in my pitifully small amount of clothing. ME: "Dad, OW, OW, it's burning me!" DAD: "Geez and crackers! Don't move so much!...And don't look at the light!...sigh...My retinas have never been the same...but what memories... IT'S ALIVE! ---Otherwise known as The BIRTH OF FRANKENBIKE!!! Let me preface this story by telling you that when we were growing up, we never had any extra money lying around. I don't know how my Mom and Dad did it, but we were always well-fed, -clothed, -schooled and healthy. Quite an accomplishment supporting a family of 11 (2 parents, 9 kids, and later, my Nana) ) on my Dad's Blue Collar salary. However, this need for frugality turned my Dad into the King of recycling. He never threw anything away, and frequently came home with some precious find from someone else's cast-offs. (Case in point...we had 30 ancient Cadillac transmissions sitting in our garage for decades, before Mom finally got rid of them...ah yes, that's another story...) So, He comes home from one day with an ANCIENT weathered blue bike. It was a giant! Similar in style to PeeWee Herman's bike, but had the size and heft of a motorcycle (I saw a picture of my Mom riding something similar to it on her honeymoon in Bermuda...and that was in the 50's, if it gives you any idea how old this thing was...) It had whitewall tires on it that were missing about half of the rusted spokes in each wheel. Us kids are standing by watching this in silent horror...who is this MONSTROSITY for, we are wondering...each silently praying...not me...please,not me... He looks at me with an expectant grin on his face and says, "Help me bring this into the garage"...My fate is sealed. But you know, he looks so ecstatic about this new welding experiment, that I start feeling excited about it too. My Dad was ALWAYS SO stressed out, and it was nice to see him smiling, even just for a little while. We wheeled it to the garage and prepped for perhaps our greatest experiment of all time. We toiled on that bike for hours, Dad in his welding gear and helmet, me in my shorts and tank top. First, we tore off the old seat and WELDED on a 3 foot long, NEW BANANA SEAT with multicolored metallic stripes. Then we added a NEW CHROME SISSY BAR that was 6 feet tall, to the back of the seat. Finally we took off the original handle bars and WELDED a set of slightly used CHOPPER HANDLE BARS to it. (MMMWAHAHAHA...IT'S ALIVE!) It was Satan's Chopper brought to life! But, to us kids, it would always be referred to as: FRANKENBIKE (cue the scary music and lightning...) Well, Dad and I wheeled that 500 pound abomination out to Pickering Lane for it's first ever test run. God, it was a behemoth. I had to pedal standing up to get it moving, and it turned like a tractor trailer. There were a ton of kids out in the street, as always, watching the mysterious event. I pedalled proudly, a kid possessed, and finally made it to the top of the hill. Time to turn around...easy...easy now...And then it happened...not being familiar with the ways of tractor trailers, I jacknifed....There I lay, my 9 year old body pinned by the creation I helped bring to life. I sat there for what seemed like eternity until I looked up and saw my friend, David Witt, standing above me. (He actually looked worried, God bless him...) He tried to lift the bike off of me, but had to get his brother Larry, who was waiting down the hill for my epic return. Together, they managed to extricate me from the wreck, and we slowly walked "Frankie" down the hill. My Dad, saw me, and said,"Geez and Crackers!! What the hell did you do to it?! I helped him wheel it back into the garage, and the warm embrace of the torch.

Pirate Trivia

Johnna(Nyx) — Sat, 26 May 2007 03:39:54 GMT

I just took AOL's Pirate Trivia test and got every answer correct. I took their Newsmakers Test and got every one wrong. I know my priorities...AARRGH!... 8/4/07 OK, I just took AOL's "Can you finish the Lyrics?" test and got all the questions right...Still no luck with that AOL Newsmakers Test...guess I should be reading the paper instead of listing to ABBA.

Kids say the darndest things

Johnna(Nyx) — Sun, 04 Mar 2007 21:17:26 GMT

OK, I keep adding to this as my kids come up with their crazy shee-it. (However, The "booger" story of Liam's will always reign supreme -- it's a tough one to beat.) Here's a story I just remembered from when the kids were smaller. We went to a baptism for a little boy named Owen, and at one point the minister calls all the kids up to the front. My husband and I were like, "Oh God, please no," and off Liam, Marina and Matt go and plop themselves down in the very front of the group. The whole time the Sunday school teacher is talking about the Baptism of Jesus, my kids have their hands in the air, waving frantically, and the longer she ignores them the more exhuberant they become to the point where they are just about standing up going, "Oo, oo, oo, pick me. Mike and I were in the pew the whole time, just about crapping our pants in fear of what they might say. Well, God bless this woman, because she never even acknowledged their existence. When they got back to the pew, I asked them: "What was SO important that you needed to tell her? Matt says, "I just wanted to talk about Jesus' baptism.".... Oh, OK, that's good.... Marina says, "I wanted to talk about Owen's baptism." .... Oh, OK, that's pretty good too....Liam says: " I just wanted to talk about hockey." I still pray for that woman -- she is a saint to me.... 1/25/08 I caught Liam throwing the handle of a plastic grocery bag over the newell post of the staircase and launching himself over the railing as he held onto the bottom of the bag. Of course, the handle ripped immediately and he plummeted to the floor. He gets up and yells, "Matt, come here...You have GOT to try this!!!...sigh...I'm going to go fix myself a drink now... 1/21/08 Matt told me that I am SO beautiful --for a woman my age...yeah..thanks for that...I think... Mike (My hubby) has left for Russia as part of an Operation Smile mission. I am home with the three kids....help me... someone...anyone...Bueller? Liam said to Mike before he left: Dad, it's OK..I want you to go and help all those poor kids in Russia...don't worry about me...I'll just stay here and cry my eyes out" Mike asked me later if we adopted a midget Jewish Grandmother by mistake, as that was one hell of a guilt trip. 11/07/07 I'm laying in bed with the kids trying to get them to sleep... Liam stands up and rips a giant fart in my face... and pumping his fists victoriously in the air, he says..."That never gets old". Sigh...No wonder I'm on medication. (8/28/07) Marina (4 1/2) told me she wants to have a party this Friday, so I need to get her "people" together cause she wants it to be fabulous. (9/5/07) Mike told me he had a "suffocation" dream. He startled himself awake, gasping for air. He opened his eyes and saw Liam sitting on his chest with a finger crammed up each of his nostrils. The doorbell rings at 7 in the morning. I wake up, cursing as I head down the stairs..... It's Liam. One morning, I found all three kids in the back yard playing on the swing set. It was 5:30AM. It was still dark. Marina (3 ) and Matt (5 1/2) said Liam (4 ) woke them up and made them do it. 5/20/07 Marina(4) informed me that my name is no longer Mommy...It is Clowny-clown-clown... I came home recently with a King sized comforter in a plastic bag -- I had just picked it up from the Dry Cleaners. I threw it down in the foyer, meaning to take it with me the next time I went upstairs. About a half an hour later, I hear this cackling followed by a loud THWUMP out in the hallway. I go investigate. Liam (5 1/2) is climbing up the outside of the staircase to the top landing, launching himself into space and onto the comforter below. The kid leads a charmed life. I might mention, that when his Dad was around the same age, he launched himself off the roof of his house with a garbage bag and did not fare nearly as well. Matt, why are you stripping your clothes off? "I want to watch TV in my underwear like Dad does." Poison Control has a file on Liam the size of a telephone book. I had to work today and the kids were determined not to let it happen. First,they hid my work ID Badge, and then when I was pulling out of the driveway (still without my badge), they ran out the front door...naked... doing the dirty spank for all the neighborhood to see. I pulled back in the driveway and chased them back inside. There is no limit to what they are capable of when they are trying to keep me home. About Mike (hubbie) working night shift: "Dad are you nocturnal?" (Matt) "Is Dad home?" (Yes) "But Is he AWAKE?" (Marina) I picked Liam up from school one day and his teacher told me he gave a 20 minute dissertation to his class of 3 to 6 year olds....on the jock strap.... for show and tell. He used the word "penis" 10 times. When Liam was 2 he had a variety of ways to get me out of bed in the morning if the traditional methods didn't work. He once threw a full glass of water in my face, and hit me in the head with a platform shoe. He once tried to bean me with a bronze bookend that he could barely even lift. I was asleep and had the feeling someone was staring at me, so I opened my eyes, and there was Liam with the bookend hoisted high over his head. I was too stunned to move. I screamed, "LIAM, NO!" He dropped it on the floor with a thud, and cackling, scampered off down the hallway. I've never slept well since. Liam, age 5: "Dad, can I borrow your deodorant? (What for?) "I need to smell good for Skye (female classmate)." When she gets a whiff of me, she's going straight for those armpits." Liam, do you want to come eat dinner? "No, I already ate." You did!? What did you eat? "A Booger." Regarding my bad memory: "You need a CAT Scan." (Matt) "Yeah, and the AB Lounge." (Liam) (Ouch!) On Liam's "Bear Blankie": You can't wash Rancid Bear, he's just gotten stinky sweet. Mom, can you rub my back? Now rub Bear's. What stinks!? Did you fart? "It wasn't ME! (indignant) It was Bear Blanket." I asked him if he was going to bring rancid bear down the aisle with him when he gets married. He informed me (rolling his eyes) that he will have made it into a sport coat by then, Duh! (Matt, at age 5) "I don't like you any more! You're mean to me! You yell too much, and...and...(sputtering in fury)...and...YOU'RE A BAD DRIVER!!!!! (Ouch, that hurt.) Matt (6 1/2) got a letter over Spring Break from his friend Garrett. It said: "Matt, when we get back to school we are not going in the woods because the girls will attack us. On the back was a picture of a stick- figure girl with a frown on her face and tears in her eyes, surrounded by a circle with a big X through it. I caught Matt (at age 6) out in the school yard with his arm around one girl and holding hands with another at the same time. He was SO busted with that cheesey little grin on his face...

The usurping bee-atch

Johnna(Nyx) — Sun, 04 Mar 2007 17:12:47 GMT

I was just checking in with one of my favorite Tribes and found a post of mine had been deleted. I jokingly called someone a "Bee-atch" when she tried to usurp my duties as President of the Jack Sparrow Ass Watchers Association. I'm not only the president -- I'm the founder, despite what that usurper tried to tell anyone. I was watching his ass long before she was -- I swear -- on Jack's Ass, which is as close to a Bible as I can get. Aw geez, now I've offended someone by being sacreligious. I am so f#*!%ed. OOPS, foul language...

Here Goes -- My first Blog ever.

Johnna(Nyx) — Sun, 07 Jan 2007 22:09:20 GMT

As I type my first blog, I think back to my life twenty + years ago and a time when I was in College and I didn't even have a computer. I used to have to research all of my papers by looking up stuff in HUGE reference volumes, which then directed you to a journal or textbook. Then you had to hunt that down -- if somebody else hadn't already gotten to it first -- and then copy the material you needed out of it. It amazes me how the times have changed. If I need to find out about ANYTHING now, all I have to do is hop on the internet. Here I am, typing my first blog -- who would have thunk it? Now I get panicky if I can't get to my computer once a day to check my email and browse ebay. God help me if the DSL goes out. Then I can't pay my bills, do my banking, get the daily news, or find out the important stuff at my kids' school. I get really annoyed sometimes with how dependent I am on computers and the internet. I hate feeling vulnerable because of a machine and a process that defies my imagination. And then I think about all the people I've met, from countries I've never even seen -- And how much I've learned about so many things I never would have had the time or energy to find out before. -- And how much easier my daily life is. And I realize, that the vulnerability is a trade off, and it's worth it.