Over this past weekend I saw a movie called “Trade”. I am still having freakish flashbacks – I think I may actually be traumatized. The day that I saw it I could not sleep at night – disturbing images from the movie were popping into my mind. I am so extremely upset after watching this… It had the same effect on me as a Freddy Krueger movie would have on a 7 year-old. I have been wondering how often this is happening in reality – are there high odds of this happening to someone you know? Our society needs to focus more on this issue – instead of fighting for oil and religion! We should fight for children’s rights! We should put our tax dollars toward government agencies that will stop sick freaks and pedophiles and throw them in prison!!! I am so sickened by the thought of this horrible nightmare! Why isn’t this an extremely important priority in our society?



Saw another movie with Michael Douglas playing the role of this insane father who comes home from a mental institution to his 16 year-old daughter who has been taking care of herself for two years. They decide to hunt for treasure – and dig it up underneath a Costco that magically has an underground river flowing 6 feet beneath it (yeah right). Extremely hard to believe and way too depressing. I wouldn’t recommend the film to anyone (unless you are looking to get depressed and waste time). I can’t even remember the movie title anyway.

1. You think about them all of the time.

2. Everything, even the most obscure and strangest little things, remind you of them.

3. You care more about their safety and happiness than you do about your own.

4. You start to obsess about your own appearance- making sure you always look/smell good incase they are close by.

5. You are extremely interested in knowing more about them.

6. You really want to impress them.

7. You aren’t as tight with your money or time anymore - if you are spending that money or time with them.

8. Hanging out with your friends just isn’t as appealing any more.

9. You aren’t noticing other members of the opposite sex.

10. You love him/her for what he/she is - you wouldn't want to change them for anything in the world.

11. You somehow know it is not infatuation. Love is being selfless, infatuation is being selfish. You are ready to let the person go if that is what he/she wants.

12. Somehow, every conversation you have with your friends, you seem to keep mentioning his/her name in it.

13. In a crowd of 100 people, they are the only person you see

14. Your eyes light up with their presence

15. You feel a type of "electricity" when they touch or kiss you

Sitting here watching tv.  Today was a rather unusual day.  Brian and I went through the upstairs closet and cleaned out my books and stuff.  I hope to use this three day weekend to get everything cleared out.  



We drove to Microcenter in Westbury and then visited Pearl Paint next door where I looked around at art supplies and fantacized about the oil paints I wanted to buy etc.  Soooo expensive.  It would probably feel so great to paint again.  I would want a private space to do it in, where I could be alone.



I am talking with my friend about their wildly fun time falling in love over the past couple of weeks etc.  Got me thinking about what I look for in a mate.  I am really not sure I have ever truly been "in love".  My friend thinks that you should never stop looking for true love.  Heh... I kind of laugh at that thought.  It either happens or it doesn't.   You can't put out an advertisement and interview for people to fall in love with.  In my world there are no gray areas with this subject.   I think I have been truly in love only once in my life when I was 16 with this guy (who will remain nameless).  It was the kind of sensation where my heart felt like it was going to explode just as he would enter a room.  I was so excited to be around him that I completely lost my ability to be articulate.  I was a complete moron around him.  I have met and dated many people since him and have yet to feel the same way for anyone.  I'm thinking this is a really good thing.

My love for this person was insane, probably bi-polar, the type of love that wars start over.  The type of love that had me continuously question whether I was good enough for him - my sanity was questionable at best.  I never thought I was deserving of him.  I felt unattractive etc. 



My love for Anand was a completely different ballgame - it could be compared to the love that Charles Manson's followers must have experienced for him.  I was zombified by my love for Anand.  It was a true respect type of love  I adored his work, his talent, his style etc.  I was enamored with his whole aura.  He made me want to be a better person - he was intensely inspiring.  



The love in my present relationship is mature, predictable...  Nothing insane about it.   There is no possessiveness.  We are more devoted to each other than "in love".  We are about friendship and self sacrifice.   It is all about being there for each other - it has nothing at all to do with passion or wildness. 

Chris actually answered his phone yesterday.  I think it was a mistake - don't think Chris meant to answer my call.  He had this nervous sound in his voice and I asked him if it was a bad time - he said he was in the middle of "heading out" and that I should call him later.  I was really medicated and had overdone it with the Vicodin - I told him that he had my number obviously if he wanted to talk... I laughed and said that I thought I had the wrong number for a second because he actually answered his phone.  I told him I was stunned that he actually answered.  I asked him how his mom was and he said fine.  He fed me some bullshit about how he's had family problems for some time and that's why he hasn't been answering his phone.  Sure, Chris.  Go fuck yourself.  We all have family problems, dick.  Don't man up or anything and admit that you don't want to hear from me.  I would have so much more respect for Chris if he just flat out told me to stop calling him and leave him the fuck alone.  



Chris has been avoiding my telephone calls for close to two years now - I think it is one or two years.  This is the funniest thing I have ever heard of... Especially considering how he knows of other people who have written me off with no explanation like Rachel G and Carrie B... People that I assumed were pretty good friends who spontaneously decided to forget that they ever knew me - for reasons they NEVER explained - other than with lame shithead excuses like "It was really shitty of me".  Knowing the pain I have suffered over Carrie and Rachel, Chris has done the SAME to me.  Talk about heartless. 



Chris decided to forget who I was without explaining what I did wrong etc.  I suppose there is something so TERRIBLE about me that people are unable to explain why they are cutting me off.  Are people afraid of me?  Perhaps I am overbearing or too needy of a person.  I do admit that all I have ever wanted my entire life was for people to like me and be genuine in return.  That was always too much to ask.   Wanting real friends is an insane desire.  Maybe I am not "cool" enough for these people and it dawns on them one day to say "fuck it".  So, these people lose my number / stop returning my calls / stop answering the phone.  I bet they all thank christ for caller ID.   I wish I could see things from their perspective. I wish someone could level with me and tell me what the fuck is so wrong with me.  Why can't someone show me what I have done to deserve this?  Why are people forced to stop talking to me?  Why are people driven to avoid me?  I must be absolutely fucking wildly annoying.  The sound of my voice must be like nails screaching down a chalkboard.   I must bore them to death.  Maybe it is my sheer stupidity - I haven't read enough books or learned about the music that they like.  Is it because I do not smoke herb - is this a serious flaw?  I am not well-versed in their interests enough... 

Is my family too white-trashy? Is my lack of money not fun? 



I have never so much as asked for five dollars from any of these people.  I really thought that Chris was truly different - that we were REAL friends and had a whole shitload in common.  I couldn't have been more wrong - waaay off base.  I suppose I am so out of touch when it comes to the feelings of others.  I never have any clue what effect I have on the world around me.  It's always a surprise to me becuase nobody ever gives me any warning.  People just flat out stop talking to me. 

Wednesday I head back to work.  I do not feel completely ready to go back but whatever - I need to be working / bringing home a living.   I think I popped one of my stitches in my stomach today.  It has been bleeding a little bit. Now that everything is healing the whole area is getting strangely itchy - I ended up hurting myself a little bit.  Put some neosporin on it and bandaged over the area.  I hope by the time I see the surgeon tomorrow it doesn't look like hell (like it does now). 



I was looking at my different photos from the past few years.  Particularly spent a lot of time looking at my photos from my trip in October 2005 to San Francisco.  What a great time that was - so many wonderful photos.  I really had a good time with that camera in San Francisco.  I wish I had spent two extra weeks in the place.  I would really love to go back one of these days.  By comparison, the trips I have taken in the past five years have been dull as shit compared to San Francisco.  The funny thing is that I was half crippled during that trip and managed to walk my ass off around that town.  It was such an interesting place with so much to see and so much to do.  I wish I had thousands more to spend - and several weeks extra to stay.  In particular, waking up in the morning an having breakfast at Perry's on Union Street.  That was the highlight of my trip.  The weather was gorgeous.  The people were nice wherever you went... The shops were adorable.  The scenery was breathtaking.   My only regret is that I didn't go with a group of friends.  Oh wait - I nearly forgot!  I don't HAVE a group of friends! Nevermind! 



My father was ready to pass out every night by 10pm.  His snoring was unbelievable.  I barely slept because of it.  Another downside - everything was outrageously expensive in that town.  I have no idea how people (normal people) can afford to reside in that town.  There wasn't one single hole in the wall for under 1.5 million. Fucking outrageous.  The hills were daunting as hell.  I remember taking the bus from union street to somewhere south - when the bus went uphill I nearly fell backward and half-landed in this lady's lap.  Talk about embarressing as fuck!  I could have died!  My father seemed annoyed with me for nearly falling - I didn't understand why he was annoyed with me over something I couldn't help?  Eh, whatever.  Otherwise, the trip was a great time.   



I am so confused about so many different areas of my life.  Things are not getting any better with Brian.  It's like the same shit - day in / day out.  He has zero desire to see our relationship get better.  I look at him and wonder if he even thinks there is a problem at all with the way we are?  I certainly over-compensate and scrutinize the shit out of myself.  I am certain that I bring a shitload of problems to the relationship.  I continuously overanalyze the fuck out of myself.  I am certain that I have fucked up so much when it comes to my relationship with Brian.  My personality is inconsistent.  I can be over-emotional.  I am often in react-mode and have an explosive temper.  I am inpatient and hostile at times.  See?  I could go on forever about my own imperfections.  In fact, I have convinced myself that almost everything that is wrong with our relationship is my fault.  Brian would probably not argue this idea.  In fact, Brian wouldn't say much of anything.  Brian would probably change the subject.  He never wants to discuss anything that remotely has to do with the problems in our relationships.  He would happily live in la-la-land forever.  He refuses to discuss or face anything.  You would have more interaction with a brick wall.  I feel like I am losing my mind 90% of the time.  He refuses to communicate with me.  Everything is let go until I reach the boiling point - time and time again I am exploding.  When this happens, I am yelling at him while he listens and barely talks back.  There is still no interaction.  There is no resolution.  He is plenty hostile, but refuses to work anything out with me.  There is no effort.  His idea of making everything right is going to rent a movie and get a pizza, like nothing happened in the first place.   I don't think I can fucking stand this shit any more.