This past Saturday, i had my very first public performance with the AmCab Intermediate Student troupe. At a Rodeo Festival. On a Pentecostal Holiness Church stage. At this point it's a a blur, but i guess we did ok since no one boo-ed us or threw rotten tomatoes. As far as my first public performance goes, it could have been so much worse. I enjoy my troupe mates and instructor very much, even tho' i cannot fully "give my heart" to the cabaret style. My instructor did give me a little freedom with my costume, but i was not truly happy with my look. Nor was i thrilled with music we had to dance to.

None of this is to be negative, it's more my musings on how and where i fit into dancing.

I seem to do very well in the cab class. I'm comfortable and we have lots of laughs. I do wish i could get my instructor to use some more inspiring music, but i also realize that not everyone digs on the same funky stuff that i really love, and i is HER class, not mine, to dictate what we listen to and what we work on. All i can do is make gentle suggestions, pass on CDs of tunes i'd love to hear in class, and go with the flow.

Tho' i've been immersed in all kinds of personal dramas and such that have kept me from attending tribal classes since the Southern Oasis workshops, i plan to start back up this week. I've also been working with my Ariellah, ArBee, Sharon K and other DVDS. I love tribal fusion so much, but i wonder if i am even TRULY talented enough to pursue it. My right arm is hopelessly floppy and does not seem to be getting any stronger no matter how much i drill on that side . Classes make me feel clumsy and frustrated.....of course that makes me realize that i need to hang in there because i NEED to reach out of my comfort zone to grow, however painful it may be. Natalie Brown is amazing and i am lucky to have the opportunity to learn from her. But i worry that i may never "get it".

I am just trying to find my niche, i suppose. I love to dance, to throw choreos to the wind, put on some music that REALLY inspires, have a bit of wine and just CUT LOOSE. To use the various movement "vocabulary" i've learned from the mishmash of styles i've dabbled in and just let the music allow me to flow, to feel graceful and happy in that moment. I don't mind doing choreos as long as i don't hate the music we work with with ever fibre of my being which always seems to be the case in my Cab class.

I feel like i need to really focus on a more fusion style. ATS seems so far over my head that i have no hope of ever grasping it. Cabaret is fun, but it's not really "me".

Anyway. That is where i am currently at with the dance. Feeling a bit lost and sad. But never giving up.