One time, Heather farted so long I had time to look at her in surprise, then look down at her ass in surprise, then look back up at her face, still in surprise. It was incredible.

Like a fart that never ends, so to is our friendship. Long, fragrant, explosive and hysteria inducing.

Heather is violet and violent, sensitive and destructive, and always progressive in whatever direction she happens to be travelling that day. She's a pinball lookin' for that special hole. She can explode electronics with her mind. She thinks of ingenious ideas, like dunking oranges into nutella. She has so many talents she has time for none of them. She's my dream roommate and we don't yet live together. She swears often and swears well. She sits at bus stops and makes weird noises when no one's around. I think her real daddy was a tree. I've caught her trimming pineneedles from her hair. Heather can drink as much as a woman should - a lot. Heather can show you what the power of air can do. She looks different every year but the genuine core of her being is not swayed by anyone or anything. Heather is inspired and inspiring. She steals my memories when we get high, it's pretty cool. She'd fuck Tuvok if she had the chance, but who wouldn't?

I could write more, but I don't want to ruin the surprise!