So... my grandma passed away the 3rd of June, she was the strongest woman I'm sure I'll ever know.
@ 77 she was still working 7 days a week delivering telephone books while living in her van in the NW right up until they admitted her to hospice care after deciding to stop the cancer treatments. She went fast once she got there, she never wanted to stop moving, doing... she said it kept her healthy, apparently it also kept her alive. She was in so much pain though. As much as I miss her, I'll never be without her, the tough part now is in truly honoring her by not falling apart, by insisting on success even when I can't seem to go an hour without a reason to cry...
the picture is of her surfing on a pile of phone books in the van when there wasn't enough room to sit. When I turned around and asked her if she was sure she was alright despite all the slipping and sliding she replied cheerfully "This ain't my first rodeo!"

nearly directly following this event I was disowned by my best friend and someone I could have seen myself truly sharing my life with.

well, enough of that crap, here's a poem/song...

_We could share the sky_

I wanted to share this sky with you
hope you know I'd never lie to you
there's nothing in this world we can't work through
if we the strength to see it through

so much of me you never knew
so many days ahead ready to be new
now my insides are torn asunder
dragging this morning sun down under

I wanted to hold your hand today
if only to feel our bodies sway
in the breeze that welcomes the day
now I'm sure you'll never hear me say

oh how the stars shine in your eyes
just before dawn as the sun begins to rise
the mountains surround us like the love you never had
when I'm with you, nothing seems too bad

My heart is tearing my eyes are tearing
my face is wearing my mind's fearing
and I miss you...
beyond all compare I love you

high stakes play no games when it comes down to what we share
corny flakes, make no mistakes, you assured me you'd always be there

I wanted to hold your hand today
if only to feel our bodies sway
in the breeze that welcomes the day
now I'm sure you'll never hear me say

oh how the stars shine in your eyes
just before dawn as the sun begins to rise
the mountains surround us like the love you never had
when I'm with you, nothing seems too bad

so full already
of spent time of doubtful transactions
bright skies on the outside of walls
built to hold heat
hold instead the scenery of a droll day
and stale smoke
I'm still uncertain how to keep from feeling trapped
in the confines of the city walls
and smile-less faces
glass walls all around
phantoms of imaginative winter
the crisp air holds the magnetism of first sight
the sky holds the limitless pleasure of flight


last night:
forgotten speech
of disregardful error
intrigue, remorse
and affection
subtle societal influence
breeds complicated insights
not easily acted upon
How does one enter the fire
of selfish meets self fulfilled
and dreams and desire
once again find their rhythm of melding
into the succession of deaths and births
we grow from our ashes
Every guide given has told an untruth
For lack of a whole truth
at what point do the wisest influences become exactly what you needed to hear if not merely given the contradiction of their very nature.
Guides come to greet us with possible transformation,
yet only the journey through which we guide ourselves
I am become
my own best guide.

waves in the sand

waves that are made
ripples in the sand
a love like a bird
needs trust before it will just rest in your hand
waves that were begun
before our feet were wet
have the force to bring walls
we haven't faced yet
I smile at your laugh
you laugh at my smile
I know in my heart
you are worth the while.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

can I see you tonight?


to feel your breath on my skin
my lips on your face, your hands
to continue to enable the complications of this equation
variables following multiples held within parenthesis
dancing numbers trying to equalize themselves
in a world where numbers dance to measure light
and arms could save us from a sleepless night
figures of fancy and lovers delight
I'll dream of you and the freedom of flight.