My Heart Sings

The Deep Sacred Awareness of Healing 9/1/07

Elli — Mon, 03 Sep 2007 04:42:29 GMT

I sit quietly outside while a large group of people converse and play rowdy, interactive games in the lodge. Universe calls me to seperate myself, ground, center and feel my aloneness and oneness with the natural environment. A result of having saddness and yearning for something/someone to support feelings of fulfillment in me. Also, I sit here, in this moment, because of what I reckognized during our previous group meditation. This left me feeling focused on what powerful healers we can become......if we continually persue "healing ourselves" first. This magnificant gift brings some of the purest tears to my eyes...my heart bleeds when I connect with the depth of healing, my loved ones have yet to discover, to find, to receive...also, in knowing the degree to which I may be an instrament in their journey~ if I choose to walk in the light of my power, as a divine intervention into their less-then fulfilling, day-to-day lives.....and then, my awareness branches out-I connect with the seemingly neverending "unfolds/exponential layers" of fellow- humans carrying pain, unrest and dis-ease, who need healing... Then I wonder....as I become more and more part of this magical vortex here, at the Heart of Now, at Lost Valley.....how deeply I will become involved in this work, where so many people move forward, in beautiful, unique (perhaps never-before-seen) ways, on their journey. The art of this healing is a neverending, unfolding, indigo lodus flower of divinity~it has no beginning and it has no end! So, as I sit on this step, feeling the ground beneath me, my deep seriousness is present. I reckognize the depth of our living experience that often leaves my conscious mind. I see these very large living tree creatures before me, erecting from the ground. They are illuminated by the moon light. They reach tall and shapely to the sky full of stars...crisp and prestine. Random community members fly by, on the gravel road before me~Lively human beings riding community bikes around, at night, on various "life-filled" missions~this way and that, in the dark of this clear, brisk September night. I reflect on my adolescence, as one of these bike riders is a beeming teenager, who appears (and I believe this is really the truth) free, inspired, self propelled and full of purpose, drive, ability and motivation for living fully...having grown up in a truly unique environment which has supported many of her individual needs, causing her to thrive greatly. When I was young, I never saw anyone so alive. I credit the woods, stars, creek, community and GOD for the life that is pulsing through her. And, not complete but much "seperation", from the conventional city life found only 45 minutes away on HWY 58 and from the media of this sick day and age. Perhaps I may find that this is not actually true and that we are perfect in perfect timing...only in a part of our process of evolution...perhaps sick for this time, but healing...yes...YES....HEALING!!!!!!!!! Still sitting, wanting to share myself intimately, tell someone who is deeply interested, what has been stirring in my heart...what spirit is doing inside of my soul....Wanting to be with another...human, who wants to be with me...who also deeply wants to be with his "Wild Self" ~authentically, compassionately, communicatively, strongly with honor, depth, intuition, trust and courage. Feeling vulnerable in the world where I look for this fulfillment. So many people want the same thing. So many people are trying to figure out how to find it. We just keep practicing and making new choices, or old ones...with desire in our blood. Life changes, I grow~~~It is getting easier and easier for me to return to myself...my autonomy...my inner strength. Often when I feel alone, wanting that closeness....I've been deciding not to go seek it, but to sit still, breath fully, feel my body sensations...remember my own inner strength, my lioness tiger within...."One who is enough for myself." I remember where my life force connection comes from...my roots and branches. I remember my fruits and seeds. I remember the seasons, the years, the lifetimes and all the vast space within. Then, somehow, the little things in my mind....become less important, less problemsome...I remember all that there is to appreciate...LIFE! All the places where this life is represented---> in a crying child's eyes when they decide to get up and return to playing after I have comforted them....in the small flying bug that was stuck in the water on the bathroom counter, that I saved...placing it on a broad leaf to dry and return to bug life.....in the moment when a teenager suprises me with superb wisdom from her own short life~that ends up being a great reminder supporting my own growing path....And the new fulfilling plutonic friendship that is solid and loving~carrying promise of safe brother/sister gifts I have always yearned for....which gives me the opportunity to wipe his tears and hold him in a heartfelt nurturing way as he cries...and heals. What I know to be true is that we are each a direct representation of GOD...Universal Divinity...LOVE. We are all able to heal. We are all able to connect. We are all able to give and to receive. And when we forget our worth, our beauty, our wholeness....when I temporarily loose sight of the amazing wild women within~who is deeply connected to eternal, sacred wisdom, wisdom of the "spirit that lives in all things"....I soon remember. I am love. I am you. I am open, free, loving, forgiving, pure, gentle...creative, joyful, playful, thoughtful, hopeful, meaningful, capable, connected, trusting...I am a dancer, a singer, an artist, a naturalist....I am a healer, wise, colorful, vulnerable, scared at times, cautious, imperfect, funny! Really...I have to point out how funny we are, the human experience...it makes me laugh out loud more and more as I see things from a distance. This is one of my favorite tools for awareness...just stopping, stepping back, breathing and noticing what is true. I am my own friend. There is laughter, joy, great warmth, kindness, and lots and lots of safety in the world...if I learn to believe that there is. Life is what I make it.

Be Love

Elli — Fri, 10 Aug 2007 02:38:13 GMT

And this is the journey I am on....In this moment I choose to reckognize my resistance to fully participating in love with those around me....I notice and appreciate however my desire to, and my willingness to seek answers as to how to do it...how to let myself be seen and how to appreciate and more fully see others.... Blah, Blah,. Blah...I've had so many thoughts swirling....I take breaks and tune into the trees, the sun the little birdies....and then back on the train.....choo choo....I must really be trying to figure something out these days...lots of questions and yearnings...I was going to sit here and write everything out...desiring to connect somehow, with somone on the deeper things stirring in my being...but something says just going to meditate at the sundown might give me more of what I am needing silence....acceptance, presence with all that just is! So, brothers and sister.....in cyber space: Love. Relax. Activate Yourself. Consider the Great Possibilities. Create, in Togetherness. Believe in something. Do something. and Sometimes...do nothing. Bye Bye

Resurfacing on Tribe...Update. 30 Years Old....Wow!

Elli — Fri, 04 May 2007 01:53:47 GMT

Beltain has been the most recent event in my life. Bringing me home with an old friend and new lover. Camping for the weekend with many familiar souls, in a sacred space blessed by the four directions, all the elements and more. Fertility is upon us, so much provision from the earth. This event has strengthened my place in community and in nature. We carried out ritual, play, sharing, drumming, dancing, connecting, experimenting, growing, healing, being. My fires are rekindled, passions blossomed, hope restored and beauty remembered. I am lighter, more connected and loving, in a new way. Full Cup put the event together and I recommend it to those interested, next year. Full Cup will be continuing to create enriching community gatherings, so stay posted! There was a great sense of connection due to the numerous Heart of Now graduates present (the workshop at Lost Valley in Dexter, lostvalley.org). Because of the intimacy, safety, and tools gifted through that community, my life will never be the same. So, I am grateful and acting on the newness in my being...welcome sacred circling for community to gather at my house for that which is sacred to us all....to meet on the topic of fulfillment in our lives be it spiritual or otherwise. I am in school, getting "A's" for the first time...in classes I choose and am passionate about: Institutions and Social Change....and, Technical Writing...which is less technical really and more fun! I am opening to intimacy in my life and honoring my personal boundaries...along with feeling joy, togetherness, freedom and peace. As trust has greatly seeped into my being, I am comfortable in places I haven't been before...allowing energies to go in new directions....to physical thriving and fullness of life spiritually, socially, personally and more, much more. Here is my personal testimony of sorts as I turn 30. Fresh, wide eyed, and much more powerful, than say, 20. A major turning point...marker in my life. I have removed so much of the superficial and found the gift of sincerity, presence, courage and LIFE FORCE.... HOW EXCITING! YEH, 30,30,30,30!!!!!! Bear with me (actually I am a Brown Bear along side a little bird and a Blue Whale) as it is just beginning to hit me...4 days before my birthday. Wow! I have to say, I am quite happy with myself...my choices, my progress, my arrival! And there is so much more, only to get better! Yee-Haw Ma'am!

NoThingness

Elli — Sun, 21 Jan 2007 09:24:18 GMT

But there is breathing, observing, participation....while there is outer space, boundless, limitlessness and "Total Freedom!" I breath and know a peace in my center. Inner comfort and en-lighten-ment, a great inner relaxation. I am relaxed when I am just in this moment, witnessing life in and around me...rising above mind/fears of the future...rather~resting in this moment/knowing "open" possibilities....for everything/anything...ideas I couldn't even imagine. Life is a discovery of the moment, THIS MOMENT! I am so glad to share my high moments and others on Tribe...it is nice to be reflected to and to come back and remember processes I have been through, lessons I've learned~before. I release ideas of "I" and i connect with a wide spread "WE." I am everything. And in my mind, there is nothingness...I only know and believe what is true.............now. I know nothing except what is true. To engage in judgements, assumption, projections..is a waste of time! It takes away from my life. THIS IS VALUABLE FOR ME TO REALIZE!!! If I grasp it deeply, I can greatly enrich the quality of my life, the depth of fulfillment that I experience and those who connect with me. I go on then, in trust...full, wide open trust. I don't have to choose to be loving and compassionate when I let go of my personal identity, because our true nature is love...when i am connected to "WE."~I am love....ONE LOVE! Could this be God, everything, the ultimate?

New Vision

Elli — Tue, 12 Dec 2006 21:51:36 GMT

I will make it short. I was out late, having a LOT of fun! But I really want to follow up on all my previous ideas and feelings regarding my dad and I. Not to leave my last blog as the end result; things have shifted for me. Heaviness aside, this is my new vision: I call dad when I want to and write him letters when the inspiration occurs. I leave all the room in the world for whatever connection, joy and life energy that wants to occur. I leave the past in the past and allow Dad to be new in every moment, to me. I do not inwardly expect him to be as he has been before. I focus on the fun we have had, and I create more fun! I bring energy and affect the relationship (infect) with love, rather than being affected by what is missing. "What is missing" is all relative and to focus on it does not serve me or the whole! We share and laugh and feel and converse. No judgement serves me and I check out assumptions that may occur in my brain, if it feels true and productive. Many can just float down the meditation river in my mind...waiting for truth to be seen and known instead of ideas, fears..... I get excited to be in relationship without a pre-expectation that I will be disappointed---again, and again. My mind and thoughts are a blank, white screen....in the moment...not hanging on to anything. I am bringing and welcoming positive experiences. I manifest the kind of relationship I want. Not that I will necessarily experience all that I used to want, but that I accept what is and just take care of myself...my interactions, gifts of love in what ever form....I believe that with faith, and positivity, that it will just get better and better. When old patterns of disatisfaction rise to the surface, I will notice them, but not engage, nor hang on. This is the key to my happiness with my Dad. I think. Thanks for reading and I hope it is inspiring to others who are in a similar process with anyone. Life is short, so why not be positive. My new moddo. PS It is working!!!

Accepting Daddy

Elli — Sun, 10 Dec 2006 17:42:14 GMT

He would run down the street with me, holding on the the back of my bannana seat, teaching me how to ride. Then I left the pink bike behind his brown Datson and the bananna got squished. When the weather was warm, we would camp at our secret family sight, a nature play land. Dad would bring all the good food and delightedly prepare creative meals on the fire. He even built a hot tub at the River Side, dismantelled and hidden behind big logs for next year. He was inspired, free spirited, joyous and energetic. He felt pleasure in spending time with us. He played hide and go seek with all four daughters in his Metolious house, I will never forget the spooky feelings, sneaking around in the dark. Dad used to tickle me and grab my toes. We made snow men and skits on his video camera. We played video games and went on long trips to Grandma's on the water. We played lots of board games and ate sharp cheese. Once, we went sailing and got stuck in shallow water in the San Juan's. Dad was interesting and interested in living fully and hangin' with his kids, when he could. He made it lots of fun and then, something happened. He married a crazy lady and during that difficult process of 6 years or so, he lost his spark. He became serious, jaded, more distrusting and focused on other things besides sharing joy with us. He found another, much better wife, retired from building custom homes for years and stayed in a serious, stressed, busy state to this day. Drinking a burban and coke in order to relax each night and coffee in the morning, in order to be productive, stay busy. He moved away from us, and close to his elderly mom, in Washington. He bought a sail boat and has been living on it for over four years...fixing it up, dreaming of getting off the dock and helping his mom as her husband died and she had to move to a home. He focuses all of his energy on himself, his dream of sailing, his wife and his mom. He has no more room for his children. If any, it is very small. In someway, it seems that he sees us as independant adults who don't need him any longer. It feels as if he has left me/us, again. My friends have close relationships with their parents. I have had the chance to really heal my relationship with mom. I have hoped for the same with Dad. We have had some real conversations, but I am very close to giving up. Actually, I am! I can't keep hoping and finding disappointment. I am facing acceptance that my dad just doesn't know how to be my friend. He has disconnected ideas about relationship and family values. He makes visible efforts. Unfortunately they feel like they are coming from fear and guilt, rather than trust and love. I really see that he doesn't know how to love me fully, because he wasn't loved by his parents. I am so deeply sad about it because I know he is older, almost 70. I know he isn't the healthiest from all the years of eathing rich foods and drinking regular alcohol. I know he could die and leave me empty handed and disatisfied. I don't want this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love him too much! I can't seem to break the shell. I just want to shake him into presence with what he is loosing every day that he doesn't choose to love me, connect with me, know me, care for me, think of me, send me something on his own accord. I just keep wanting to blame him for being so God Damn selfish and disconnected. Yet I feel equal compassion, knowing he is always just doing his best, a product of his experiences in life. It is such a sad waste, loss. I feel deep loss, even though he is still alive. I don't feel connected. I am angry at him for leaving me again, like he did when my parent got divorced. I was three. I feel like he lead me on, teased me and dropped me on my head, more than once. He says he cares. He even wrote a list of the things he could do to show me he cares. He makes a couple efforts over the phone to say Hi...but is lacks depth, presence. How can he be present with me if he isn't fully present with himself....his stored pain, fears, needs to heal. He has clearly drawn a line where I have tried to bring up his patterns and where they come from. He has buried the past and me in it. He has let go of us children as adults, thinking he is off the hook now and can do what ever he wants to please himself. My sisters have a stale attitude toward him. I haven't settled like that, until now. They have shut down caring about how dad interacts with them. They have stopped being hopeful, wanting anything from him. I didn't think I would ever get to that point. I didn't have any other idea except that we would keep communicating and our relationship would just get richer and richer. I am the youngest. They are as old as nine years more than me. I have to let go now, too. I feel angry because he doesn't realize the potential for human, family connection. He might soften, relax, see his loss, when he is old and dying...when it is too late. I suppose that is common for people...to loose their opportunity and then to regrett it. Too bad! I have seen such beautiful examples of relationship between fathers and their daughters. Love, sweetness, bond, playfulness, real communication. I have seen fathers interested in their daughters, inspired to write letters, call them - eager to share joy...remembering the past together, in joy. My dad has lost his joy, unless he has a drink or a woman because he is sad inside. I want to be the bigger person and love him anyway. But I feel mad and sad and frustrated! I keep starting on a fresh slate, forgiving and hoping and being disappointed. Why did I think he would ever change? My dad is gone and has been gone from my life - more than he has been here. I want to stop wanting him to come back. I am terribly sad now! Life is short and we could loose the people we love at any moment. It takes two to tango and I just can't seem to get him to dance with me. I just have to watch him dance with his lady, his boat, his house and his dream, that doesn't include me. If he cared, he would send me letters...he would send me presents, he would thoughtfully send me cards, written in from his heart. If he cared he would take even one blanken moment to view my tribe page. If he cared he would look forward to visiting me on the holidays. If he cared he would have wanted to talk to me when I called for Thanksgiving. If he cared, he would respond when I send info about being a natural builder, after my dad's business of building. If he cared, he would invite me to see him, he would miss me....he would value me more than cleanliness, order, materialism, his personal-solo journey.....he would remember my childhood. He would be my friend. He would happy. He isn't happy. I feel sad for him too. I am so sure he is not viewing my page, (which I asked him to) that I can even post this here, now for you all to witness. Please, any words of advice, support, resonation with my experience tribe folks? I continue to feel, tune in, ask for guidance, be as authentic as I know how, trust, release, honor my ideas and feelings, go on with my life, let go, accept and communicate. It will take time. I Let Go! I Accept What Is! PS There are other pictures in my Tribe album.

Essence of Love

Elli — Sat, 02 Dec 2006 06:51:31 GMT

If I were not afraid. I would stand before you, hold hands with you, look deeply into your unique diamond eyes...a whole story to be told, with no words. If I were not afraid I would reveal my more authentic experiences, feelings, needs, joys. I would follow my curiosities about you-inquire as to your deep longings, your dreams, and your feelings. I would breath deeply, repeatedly and enjoy just being here, in this moment, with you. If something funny happened in the room, I would laugh together with you, like music and dancing, but standing still. I would feel comfortable connecting here, for longer than usual. Collecting information by observing you, as you let me see, "You." I would reveal my true spirit without words, in a glance, an expression, an energetic sending. If you were not afraid, you would show your true self...you would enjoy sharing this moment together. You would look deeply with love and curiosity...staying present with your own energy field, not melding with mine, but sharing this time and space together for as long as we wanted...until we danced off to the next adventure in our human journey. If I was not afraid I would cry when I was sad and stop when I felt better. I would cry in front of you, wherever I may be. I would tell you if you struck me as special and dear. I would ask you to dance in love with me...if I was not afraid to feel love...to be love. If you were not afraid, you would tell me when you were lonely. You would share your deepest sorrows and yearnings. You would spill over with joy and excitement when your inspirations were too much to contain. You would reach over and stroke my hair whenever you wanted to say, "I love you person." If we were not afraid, we would live naturally, calmly, fluidly, beautifully. We would listen with our hearts and understand more than what words can tell us. We would be wisdom as one with the soul of the universe. We would know greatness and not run from it or compete with it. We would be self contained, courageous, and humble. If fear was acceptable, we would heal, release, understand, grow further. If love was acceptable, we would flourish, blossom, breath deeply together, as one. If our home was natural, we would be in tune with our own messages, wisdom and guidance. We would know the seasons, great suffering and great joy. We would dream of togetherness, wholeness, richness and love. If we were not afraid, we would feel more and think less. We would hold eachother more and let go of rigidness. We would be tranquil in moss and soil, bark and moisture. We would flow with the wind and be the leaves in the trees. We would sing poetry spontaneously, free in our bodies to dance and prance and moan and howl. If I was not afraid, I would be free to sing to the trees, listen to the birds respond, sense the movements of the earth below my bare feet. If I was not afraid, I would drink from a stream, be nourished by small wonders and hear calling in the night. If I was not afraid, more children would grow gracefully, happily, and whole. If I was not afraid, inner peace I would know.

Perfectly Imperfectly Alone, But Not For Long!

Elli — Mon, 27 Nov 2006 03:05:48 GMT

Might an answer come soon....as why I sit, and wait and dream a dream of running, living, and I sit, and wait and dream a dream, snoring, pouring rain - can I bask in the sun within my self? Can I move my body....without any help? Well-she said, "That's silly, just silly,,,,there is help all around......My friend, all you must do it ask!" (Singing these words while typing...glad somethin's comin' out!) So, what do i ask for? People to come drag me out of my cozy, safe, simple home.....and move my butt!?! I know I can feel joy while doing things out in the world,,,,,but when it is left to me, an no one is calling.....I've just found myself staying here. (Song continues...like a little kid.) Biking in the rain with no where to go......it's dark and it's cold......where is my tribe....oh, where, oh where-har-hare? Where is my tribe today-ay-ayyyyyyyy. ( I laugh and feel joy, but I am still alone.....and somehow, that strikes me as funny.) I am ready to move through this icsolation.....but how......blahhhhh, blahhh, (sounds like a sick bird)...(try it if you want...) blahhhhhh, blahhhhhhhhhhh. So, anyway, I need answers. This can't go on. I need friends.... I need activities....... I need projects..... I need motivation...... I need direction...... I need focus!!!!!! I can accomplish meeting needs. I am confident in that. I must not be the only one in this strange culture I live in that finds themselves alone more than healthy, more than necessary.... I am a community being, but when it comes to making friends.....I feel shy, quiet...I don't want to talk....I want to look into eyes and feel energy....i want to know things without words....I want to share truth in presence.....in nature.....I want to share love with myself, with nature, with others.....(Per my instuctions at Lost Valley....Heart of Now.....Life Improvement Workshop for lack of better description...must change language....must affirm I am not always in a wanting state....so I declare:) I do share love with myself..... I do share love with Nature.... I do share love with others.... I certainly share truth in presence....... I want more of this good stuff!!!! Authenticity, Affirmation of Emotions.......Oxygen.... Oh, that's right....I have more of this good stuff. I am breathing like never before......I just can't stop inhaling fully.....to my feet. I can't help but be honest and communicative.....I am authentic.....I see other's authenticity, beneith surface actions..... I have all that I need in this moment. I am perfect. My life is perfect. I affirm Emotion for myself and all of life. I am Oxygen. Ok.....a little more truth...I have some fear. What is that? I breath into every cell. Feel my body. Sense deep wisdom. If I go ot for a walk I will be alone at a time that I would rather have company. So, if I stay home, where people are alone more often....it will be more normal that I am alone. I won't notice missing company so much. Breathing Again....several times, very deep. Sensing Wisdom There is sadness. That I am so neat and can't seem to share myself with others, unless I am at heart of now.... I do feel somewhat angry at that thing holding me back. But I know it has been a self protection.....from some past hurts. Now I imagine....having so much there to give loving attention to in order tobe comfortable and confident.... What if I am boring? What if I am stupid? I don't want to talk at first. There are parts about me that I would like to be different....I don't want you to see those parts of me. Perhaps I am being a perfectionist. But there are so many people living dreams I wish were my life. So free and fulfilled..... What is in my way? Fear of fully living when that is exactly what I see in my vision?!? How interesting and annoying at the same time! (Good a bit more laughter....needed that.) OK, well. This has been a little solo session I guess.....to be shared....for I don't know what reason. Haven't posted anything lately....been in the thick of it....with moving and maybe another move...struggles with a face of poison oak and a small string of sicknesses.....I'm on the healing end now.....feeling stronger....experiencing some inspiration that feels really good....changed my room all around and other rooms in our house....asking for what I need, accepting myself how I am, doing personal projects I enjoy.....loving my cat a lot!!! Feeling trusting and patient.....just watching and feeling and being. Miss Lost Valley....where I just spend four days....the community, the environment, the life energy to share in....add to....all the touch and breathing and living. More later on my relationship with being willing to live fully since I want to so bad. OOps....I do live fully right now. I am fully alive right now....uck.....eewwwww, that brings up my fears pretty present....when I say that so affirmly....like I want to say, "No, I am not willing to live fully right now...." Very interesting. Well, enough for now...I will go call someone even though I haven't since last week...beside my one close friend......and discuss this over the phone. Wish I lived closer in with others. Biking in from the country is just a whole other experience.....maybe I can get over that. Perfectly, imperfectly yours.... little bird

The Trees Were Breathing

Elli — Wed, 18 Oct 2006 01:31:22 GMT

As I look around I feel a glimpse of the possible relationship between my awareness and nature. The trees seem alive, extra aware of me~the birds welcome me as a part of their whole. Spiders have spun huge webs I must crawl undernieth, preserving artwork. A mohawked duck swims under the rivers surface, upstream to sneakily avaid me...almost playful, yet always aware of possible danger. The Mallard's take flight with a high pitched musical sound I can't quite describe, never noticed it before. Current readings and my personal journey towards healing into nature has caused me to notice more....to feel connected to all around, rather than as a seperate human being, in my mind...lost in thought. As I let my thoughts float away and just breath into my environment, it breaths back at me. This is facinating and I may be becoming addicted to something very sweet, gentle, beautiful yet dangerous and dynamic beyond my knowing. To be part of such a perfect design, the relationship of all parts of the circle of life...I don't need to understand, that would take many lifetimes...but I have faith and I believe in my passions. The river rushes quickly in this spot I stood, a heron standing tall keeping one eye on me and one on the fish before him. He doesn't wonder what to do with his day when he wakes up. Instincts tell him. This is how I envision life, ideal life. May time stand still, the traffic siece~my warm breath continue. May the birds joyfuly sing and cash registers no longer ring. May I know when the days are shorter and the food is scarce. May spirit continue to guide me, in peace with my surroundings, leaving the weight of the world behind...inner joys to find. When I felt passion watching the numerous variety of birds in my newfound neighborhood wetlands, my life force was rejuvinated and my purpose resurfaced...the season change is in place, shedding old skins, leaves, branches and preparing for an inward journey~what amazing awarenesses will come...how will our roots be strengthened and what will bloom from within, next spring?!?! Blessings Tribe Family~ Thanks for sharing my passions! Little Bird

Communication, Love and Welcoming Emotions in Our Culture.

Elli — Sun, 08 Oct 2006 18:04:35 GMT

It is plain as day to me....we have evolved, we are learning about freedom, spirituality, meditation, healing, connecting with our environment, gender roles, and as a society we are really bringing important issues up. I bring up this issue.... I have friends that seem to have potential but frustratingly don't seem to have yet figured out interpersonal communication, compassionate listening, forgiveness of imperfections and compassion towards where behaviors came from....their vision of these things seems 2 dimentional and I feel frustrated because I want to have full communication and love....I want everyone to be known as lovable, all the time, no matter what challenges they are having in their life path. I am wanting oneness and wholeness, circling in clear intention....I am finding this with others...but I have some old friends that seem so impermeable with direct communication that I am considering just not trying anymore. What a shame that would be with all the memories and potential..."But sometimes people grow apart" I think....blah blah blah....that is lame, people don't have to grow apart if they can just learn how to "be" with eachother and be different. It is well rounded to have diversity. Peace is totally possible and each person just needs skills. So, people, society, world....please!!! Do the work to learn the skills so peace may occur. I want to be able to express my feelings and be recieved....I want emotions to be a normal part of life in other people'e minds too. We need emotional maturity in our society!!!!!!! I want to be able to use Non-Violent Communication and have it work! I want to avoid all the human mental games and reactionary behavior...it feels like a waste of energy when such better other options lye before us. Let's all just circle up and love eachother....love ourselves and move on with important things that deserve our attention and energy more than all that....stuff just feels petty right now and I can't force people to be good communicators and I have to accept it damnet! I can't force them to honor the validity of my experience, my feelings, my inquiry. I have to be patient.....and I have to let others wander around unfairly judging me, avoiding me and not knowing me for who I truly am. I can't just make them see that we all are-and that we always have been, since the beginning of time....LOVE! I am Love...you are too, so lets connect and move on! Impatience....I am patient with you too. Human kind, everyone is scared, has fear and needs to check out there fears with others, it is not about them. People have all had incomplete experiences in this time...some worse/better than others, but-it doesn't make them weird or unlovable, it just doesn't.....grow up....please!

We Are All Always Alone, Always!!!

Elli — Sun, 08 Oct 2006 17:31:03 GMT

On one hand we are and on one hand we aren't, all always alone, always. But in this moment I am present to the way in which we are. I have been befriending myself and befriending nature. In this photo I see a lesson from nature. Cody is communing at Lost Valley in Peace and just being. As I journey through loving myself and loving life, more and more, I find less neediness for others to fulfill my lackings. There is true peace in not needing from others....in caring for myself...this is maturity and inner power, core strength. I am grateful to all the forces that have pushed me in this direction! And there have been many! I just had to feel alone first and face how scared I was that I would be alone forever in the world and see that oh, I am not, I have me! And somehow, plenty of community surfaced then, when they didn't think that I needed them anymore...they came around. Quirky happens in this rhelm!

HARVEST TIME

Elli — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 15:50:44 GMT

There is still fruit and herbs to gather...this weather is amazing...I've now preserved (at a raw temperature) apples, figs, plums, pears, sundried tomatos, hazelnuts, walnuts, sage, basil, cilantro, dill and grapes into raisins. Along with the Sea Weed we collected at the Oregon Coast (can only do it two new moons in the year), this food will be much of my provisions for the winter. I am excited to be practicing this communion with nature! I think it is why my Moon cylce is right on the new moon. That and because of Tom Brown's Writing. The town is voluptuous with harvest....I've been following the lead of the squirrels, the seasons and the moon. I am home.

RAW EMOTIONS APPROVED OF-UGLINESS TRANSFORMED.

Elli — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 15:30:14 GMT

No, I'm not a psycho-path. I don't have multiple personalities. It's racey, I know....that is what life is sometimes! I am human, wounded, healing and probably much like you. There I was, home from days of trying to make the best of a yucky feeling in my belly...uprooted when I chose to consciously face my saddness from years of being mistreated by sisters and step-mom. I am delighted to have moved some through the sticky anger that has had me subconsiously unloving myself....abandoning my worth, transversely preventing others from being able to fully love me. I am finding freedom through creative expression of my anger. I used color markers and drew all over a huge piece of recycled paper. Elementary drawings and many words...written expressively...things that shocked me, but it was built up from shutting down, too long... I needed to speak...through movement and voice. The paper gave me voice....I felt unfinished...I dressed up all black and put a nylon over my head...with a black hood and no face-I went out into the dark night. I could hardly see but I needed to show the world how dark I felt in my inside...something I've been carrying that no longer served me. I got only half a block down the street; there was no one around. I turned and knew this one brief showing to "the world out there" was enough to open my door for healing. I took the nylon off and saw where I had marked my face with bike greese, this was a dark night but somehow, revealing the darkness and feeling it, out in the open, shined light where it hadn't been and began to heal my wounds. I just needed to let myself see and admitt it to the world...I didn't want to before, because I wanted to be seen as a nice person, to be loved...how could anyone love such ugliness?...it had to be hidden! And, it really wasn't like me to bark at people, snap, take things out on others...so instead, I inwardly took it out on myself!..Self Hate. I stowed it away, far and deep until I had the skills, tools and ability to face it head-on...which has revealed for me, again, MY INNER POWER!!! When I face my deepest fears and make it through to the other side, I find my biggest inspirations in life...making all the hard work worth it! When the part of me that had been dead inside...is healed...than more of me can engage in Life Force Energy.....feel ALIVE!! And Thrive!! This is always my goal. I am a vessel in which a force is stirring and I am happy to be doing this emotional work to have that force be more loving, patient, understanding, compassionate and rich with potential!!! As a kid I shut up all the time, it was my survival tactic....where could the dis-ease go but inside?!? Many people walk around making reactionary choices because of their inner suffering. And often, those choices create more suffering within. This is our path, perfect in perfect timing...and so it new awareness about emotional healing possibilities. I would like to see more free emotion in our society and less fearfulness around others expressing emotion...it needs to be ok!!!...Allowing authenticity about what is really going on inside of us...all of which is totally valid! And minimizing the build up that causes crime and pain. In Hope Because of Possibilities Appreciating a Flowering Society Patience for Many are Healing Love May Look Like Anger Can you dig it? Does this make you uncomfortable?

Life Brings Small Joys

Elli — Sat, 30 Sep 2006 18:12:31 GMT

These two darlings, Universe and Sprout, came my way and I had to help them...they were vulnerable and defensless beings in need....because we have a stray cat overpopulation problem.... I cared for their health needs and nurtured their little spirits...showing them what is possible regarding connection with human kind. My actions healed much of their fear. They now feel safe, full bellied, restful and secure. I am so glad to have the beautiful opportunity to share with them and gratefully I just found a home for them in Jasper on 30 acres with a great big barn to live in together. The inspiring thing about this story is that they aren't related...they just happened upon my porch around the same time, met eachother and the little one fell in love with boy. She has been following his every move...including taking a big poop a foot away from his "dropping point" in sincrinicity. Because he trusted me enough to enjoy affection she started coming up...only when he was there too. She finds her confidence in him and he in my provisions and I in Universes' provisions. I worried but kept choosing to trust and care for them the best I could until my near move in October...I wanted them to be appreciated, known, respected and cared for. I couldn't handle imagining leaving them behind to starve and freeze and I was not going to let them be killed at the overpopulated animal control adoption center!!!! They have touched my life deeply in this short time and I encourage any of you tribe friends to consider helping stray cats out...they suffer, get sick, wait to die and we can help them. Even by providing food and water. It was a blessing and not a curse (Ben Harper) to take them in temporarily and hunt for a home for them. I just posted it on craigslist for a week or so. I even connected up with someone because she offered to pick up and administer their vaccines and pay half of their spay and neuter bill...just because she has a soft spot for cats. Now, there are a lot of opinions about domestic animals...pets, tribal living....letting nature take it's course...human's being dominant and more important...where I stand here is clear...please consider your part in the well being of creatures in your neighborhood. In love and light, Little Bird

PARTY!............It's Good for the Soul.

Elli — Sat, 30 Sep 2006 16:11:12 GMT

And there I did it! Got out of the comfort zone of my routine and went out to dance and party. Thank God! I feel more relaxed today and connected to others! I attribute my new freedom to having let myself be vulnerable...by sharing my inner truths with you friends and with friends on land...ha. I went through the scary tunnel and shared myself....but the kicker was...interest in others...I couldn't have done it without the substances last night...because I have been too much in my thoughts and fears...loosing my inhabitions was exactly what I needed...putting my defenses down. So first letting myself feel like a loner and go through letting that remain for a while...to turn it around to me loving life alone...finding out what that would look like and then when it got to be enough of that, finally breaking out of the shell and mingling amongst the others...come to find out, other folks had been experiencing similar withdrawings...maybe it's been in the stars. Some folks attributed it to harvest time and natures calling to be home and busy for the season shift. I conquer. In keeping my "self acceptance" when sharing all the sides of my personal journey, in conversation at the party last night, then people just hear the facts instead of a guilty plea and self abandonment. In the past, revealing my life's challenges has lead me to feel abandoned by folks, now I am astounded to see that it was me abandoning myself all the time!!!! And thinking other people were doing it...when I stand by myself and yet maintain a lack of ego, others just take me for who I am and love me. When I love me, others can. I have known this logically but needed this whole spiral cycle of experiences, challenges, feelings, even fears~to grasp (in my whole body) the life changing concept! I had fun and danced, I told stories and made jokes~we shared massages and laughed till it hurt. I sat closely across from people and we engaged. There was eye contact and I remained present (in different degrees) sharing in a lasting connection. I believe peope were glad that I stuck around long enough to have then chosen to share myself and make room to enquire upon them as to their own challenges and human experiences... I was moved adn inspired by folks' stories....Alfred and Snot went on a road trip to NY and shared many book worthy adventures including a rest stop wine drinking salmon grill with strangers in their bus in a snow storm in the midwest. Then everyone was invited by the town to stay in the church till the storm passed. It was touching and heart lightening. Our friends now have a two week old baby...the baby of the band now, the Congical Visitors. They rock the house with passionate, firey bluegrass and their girlfriends shake and move in Belly Dance Attire...holding the pose, and envoking the spirits....drums speak to everyone present. Beer all around, and lots a'just being here together. How nice! So, hiding has it's place but when it's done, it's done and life~with people, goes on. I am new.

The One Outside of the Circle

Elli — Sat, 30 Sep 2006 03:18:03 GMT

Illusion of Being Seperate from Everyone Else This is a core, deep string in my being...a tear wrenching one~why do I forget how to feel connected to you all...I know others experience this! Damnet''''it's because of the past...and always having affirmation of being seperate, different....unincluded....I strive to know love and friendship...and to understand social settings and interactions with peers and the miriad of possible relationships....all I want is to be held and affirmed. All I know is to face this and let it be and ....let it pass. But it is so hard, I know I am wonderful, full of life and inspired...creative, joyful (often)....but lonely....that just looks bad...ya know? People are turned off from vulnerable and lonely....I know I can be. I don't want to need anything from anyone....I don't even want to have thoughts anymore....I want to live in a healed society where we are whole and loving again...sometimes I am unhappy that I have experienced great togetherness at Lost Valley...because it causes me to see the lack of togetherness everywhere else in my life....I am different when I am afraid...and I am afraid very often....damnet....fear...I know, must embrace! I have been doing it well....just don't want to wait anymore to feel connected, loved, safe and complete. It hurts.

FAMILY---SO MANY, MANY TIES AND PATTERNS...ahhhhhh!!!

Elli — Sat, 30 Sep 2006 03:06:21 GMT

And I continue....looking at what they mean to me now and what they could mean to me...after getting over the past...I live a more conscious life then they....so they have already moved on, but I am the one who has hard feelings from being mistreated..so, of course..."they" are over it.....UNIVERSE-I really want to love my family....I want to be a good person...to see them as innocent also...because I know they are...so-where do I find my peace....so that I may maintain my ground...feel like myself in their presence? How might I forgive fully....so to not feel small and insignificant when, at 30, they are up to their old tricks again...I am the littlest....I WANT EQUALITY!!! Waiting for answers!

Remembering to Laugh and Be Joyful

Elli — Sat, 30 Sep 2006 03:00:24 GMT

My Dad used to play with us. They are delightful memories. My childhood keeps coming to the surface leaving me in various states of healing and triumph. The last couple of days have been greatly challenging on a personal worth place, but....I made it through, honored all of the experience and am better now because of it! So, how about following my curiosity of joy and simple pleasures? Life can be light....and I don't have to think or be conscious and serious all the time...lighten up self! Remember?

Close to Home

Elli — Thu, 28 Sep 2006 18:05:56 GMT

All I know to do is keep moving forward one moment at a time~breathing, listening to my body messages, looking to nature and praying to spirit. Life for me has been getting closer and closer to home. My energy has become 100% local and that range has gotten smaller yet since I began biking only, as transportation. I have centralized my life force and am daily communing with nature, more than before. Tom Brown's Writings have supported my instincts and provided inspiration and hope. Along with Paulo Coelho's "The Alchemist." While I am at it~I recommend Dorothy Bryant's "The Kin of Ata are Waiting for You." and "Whispering Whale" by a Eugene Author...who's name I don't remember. (sorry) I am drawn to the simple, natural and to love. I am very interested in what love is and how it manifests in daily life interactions and energy exchanges. With Autumn arriving food has almost all been gathered and has been dehydrating (at a raw temp) in my kitchen for weeks~and collecting fruit flys. This is a big operation that seems more suited as a community effort, at least that sounds more fun. The squirrels are busy doing the same running around I have been doing. Gathering food, preserving it and eating is simple good living, to me. To know that nature provides for all of my needs for nutrition, healing medicine, shelter and clothing causes me great security, I didn't used to feel. I am learning how I can be held, comforted and kept company by nature. With little girl things surfacing for me, around family, intimacy, love and safety I am feeling sensitive...like a little bird. Feeling my emotions when they arise and nurturing myself in the process. I find inspiration in making other creatures' lives better, human kind and otherwise. I have rescued two stray kitties (until I find them homes) and they bring me great warmth and joy. To see them choose to trust me~knowing I caused them to purr and showed them what was possible, that they didn't know before...regarding connection with humans...causes me pure fulfillment. I have also taken to a sweet old man in my neighborhood, visiting him, giving him presence and presents, showing him there is still life to be felt and enjoyed...giving him life, hope, reason. This is a beautiful purpose! My heart has opened in the area of love and friendship. I have been alone more than not in my life and to find friendship with myself is exactly what I've needed. "There" in myself, nature and universe, is where my personal inner power lyes...so that I may not need things from others. But one day pure, true, simple love will come my way-and it will be beautiful... For now, I focus on sustainable skills and energies of the home...environment, projects, preparations. Here I catch myself serious and responsible,...spiritually serious too, connected to the sacred. Somewhere in there, there has to be room for joy and play. Children help me remember to do this...and kittens. To live in community will probably bring inspirations as well and friendship/companionship~ family. I am thankful for the upcoming changes in my life, in the country-sort of. Life is complex and all I want is simplicity. I am sensitive to all the information around....so I intend to minimize it. I feel compassionate and emotional about life-passionate towards health, healing, happiness-balance in the world. Singing in the Eugene Peace Choir is a new venue for me and for that energy. To heal myself while inspiring others and building community-it couldn't be a better time in my life for this newness. To cut out the stressors and complications...to get down to the basics in a simple natural way is my path. I've been attempting this for nearly 30 years. Might this be my religion....whatever. I think I was a Native American Woman in the past. Sometimes I feel connected to my inner power and to her...other times I am still learning and reaching for something~struggling too. I am currently interested in why I find myself so alone. An idea I have is that ultimately people should be able to be together, to know how to-if they want, and share in love and family, health and happiness. This I want very much! I am patient, open and appreciative of what I have in this moment...life force, presence, breath and hope.

In Trust, Courage and Surrender....

Elli — Fri, 15 Sep 2006 19:01:06 GMT

I am the fall rains of change and cleansing. Deeply feeling light~simplicity, love. Remembering it is all about love----rays of love! "I don't know anything!" Has been the most helpful. I release my ideas and judgements, leaving open space. Then the moment can bathe me in life experience. Rosequarts and emeralds, jade and flourite greet me. Osho Zen Taro cards guide me. "Right on"~as usual. I surrender to the rain & mud of our existance together. The stars sing so bright with their sun behind our clowds. Life is the wind, when I let it be. Self love is a hot spring, with the birds & moist greenery. Hope exists. Moments are just that. I'd rather listen to my breath than my persistant thoughts. Soon thereafter, I am meditating through my day. Thankful, joyful, present and with you. Love you! Me P.S. I make room for Joy and Total Fulfillment in my life! I already have it...manifestation~ (I must BELIEVE first!) And, "I do!" It can take time, but it doesn't have to. Ultimately, it is our choice. Be patient with yourself, as I am.

If you are missing nature, music can heal!

Elli — Thu, 14 Sep 2006 16:46:10 GMT

I am inspired by beats, words, energy, groove, a new path for the mind....less opportunity for my mind to judge what is around me as insufficient...lacking of the possible richness that I have experienced elsewhere. Music can sooth the soul...no doubt!

I Embrace All Emotions!

Elli — Sun, 03 Sep 2006 06:46:38 GMT

There are ways to find release and healing, but ultimately it hasn't been through escapism, for me....that has only been a way to pick me up as I am falling until I can't avoid it anymore...it is always better when I let myself feel what I have got...to feel. I like to remember this when I am witness to other people's breakdowns, of all kinds...that our culture suggests ideas about emotions that make it very hard for people to learn how to be healthy, emotionally...and our media plays on the instability of our people~to make money...we must learn about emotions and help eachother be healthy so we can live stronge and thrive as one!

Surya-You are getting so big now!

Elli — Fri, 01 Sep 2006 07:11:08 GMT

Here you were the youngest in the Tribe...no longer. Thank you for talking with me like a little adult. Thank you for taking the space in the world that you do for yourself. You are special to my heart! I will never forget when you took your first steps with me in your yard.

O'rien You've Let Me Feel Motherly

Elli — Fri, 01 Sep 2006 07:06:15 GMT

Thank you for falling asleep in my arms and running around exploring, contently grabbing my one finger. You are precious and pure...I learn from you.

Mo-Mo I Miss You.

Elli — Fri, 01 Sep 2006 07:04:13 GMT

You are bright, funny, actually-hilarious! You made me laugh every day. Living with you gave me purpose and challenge...lessons and joy, joy, joy! I am better because of you!