my life as a performance

i wear makeup every day .. there is a history behind this ..
most people i know are suprised at this .. others who know me more intamtly are not.
long ago .. when i was a young child i was so frightened to speak .. that i went years in scilence..
i would speak only in school when prodded repatedly .. i was thrown in classes where i was forced to perform on stage .
i would play parts and speak in plays .. but otherwise i would not.. i would miss all days with oral presentations.. avoiding the
limelight on my true face.. my tue voice.. my true self.. i would sing .. and i enjoyed singing .. i performed often..
one day i was present on the day of an oral presentation .. i was ten.. but he thought of giving my true words outloud to a class of my peers
petrified me... so .. i disappeared into the woods.... the teacher came after me ... she attempted to convince me to get in front of the class..
and i spoke to her.. explaining how impossible it was.. how afraid i was.. she took pity on me.. but did not want to deem me exempt.. for what of her postion then.. if she let me get away with it .. then she would be in the position of perhaps letting others.. she did not want to waver on her position .. but she let someone else give my presentation for me. she was the first teacher .. who ever really listened to me .. she was the one who discovered that i had a lisp.. and i was ten.. before this point because of my silence and my daydreaming teachers had thought that i had a learning disability..or was perhaps borderline retarded.. soon.. though this teacher discovered that i did not..
why do you not show your work on these long division problems she asked..
because it takes too long to write it i replied .. simply...
you mean that you do these in your head.. she asked
yes.. i nodded..
she called my mom that night,. your daughter is a genius .. she said..
my mother said.. i could have told you that..
i continued to shy away from school and speaking.. except.. when performing ..
in middle school.. i discovered .. that even alone on stage i was not frightened if speaking words other than my own.. i could give monolouges as long as i was my character.
it is in middle school that i discovered make up.. i wore it to disguise my face... to cover,, to become another...
a blow to me was not a blow to me.. if i was someone else .. wearing another face..
i was determined at this point to change my situation.. to go somewhere .. where i could be myself..
i plotted a new start..
and in highschool i left .. i left my peers.. i left my makeup.. i went to a small school.. for artistically inclined misfits.
and here i was unafraid .. i embraced drama and art ..
after i left highschool .. when i became a waitress.. i once gain embraced make up ..

new

i am painting again .. and it is a time for remembering how hard flowers are ...
so delicate so perfect.. i could only render the beauty imperfect from my hand..
i was painting a picture of a edwardian illustrator ... but she ended up looking like my sister and my mood
in combonation with one another.. today is my day off from the job... and i am feeling guilty for not working.. i am
also feeling like i need to do things that i might not get a chance to do for another week or so .. but i feel as if i am weighted down and listless
all is well though ...

part of "Beer" by donald caswell

"The latest astronomical findings,"
he said, tipping his beer
in my direction and going on
"seem to indicate that
Tallahassee
may be the center
of the universe.
The planets are nested in crystal spheres
on which they roll like marbles down a track.
The stars are further back.
They are eyes
of hoary men
twinkling as they listen to
intriguing tales they've heard
a hundred times before."
He stopped and smiled at me.
"you're interesting to talk to,"
he said, and sipped his beer.

sounds

today is the one year anniversy of my bosses death.. its so strange how i can remember it so clearly..
the events that surrounded it .. the night and the preceding day ..
sort of hanging they are .. in my mind,,
suspended in time...
so many days are not this clear.
it was eid .. and he did not return home to feast on that night..
he never returned..
so soday .. has this air of rememberence.
and the wind sweeps over my soul..
somedays .. are like this in fall.
but nothing makes me shudder like the fall of a leaf turned crisp brown..
blown across streets echoing a hollow sound.
to bring us close to the memories of old.
this sound chimes as a bell marking the passage of the dead.

the first day of the rest of my life.

as is every day.. somedays i feel so blessed.. just thinking about it reminds me of words my grandmother spoke .. of how she was so blessed .. it made me just proud to be me..
and so it is today .. granted with the ability to hold my head on my shoulders and feel strong as myself.. my sister described me today as the person who raised her.. who she learned a lot from strong and smart but a hippie.. so i asked her what she meant by that ..
beacause i dislike social classifications .. label.. boxes..
she gave me some sort of answer .. but didnt quite convert me to acceptance of the term, however it did satisfy me enough to leave the line of questioning.. i also think that it raised more questions in my sister than it did me.. which is good.
keeps her on her toes i suppose.
cant let that beautiful brain of hers get lazy ..
work as always is work.. and sometimes it takes all of the personal will that i can muster just not to walk out..
its not the people i work with or the job at all really.. but its the monotiny .
the day to day..
the same old people .. i am comfortable, but of course that leaves not as much room for growth ..
but my arms are stronger than ever ... i can pick up a whole tray of silverware just usuing to fingers and not placing it on my hands..
i can balance three bowls of soup at once .. one on my left forearm, one on my left hand and one in my right hand..
sometimes when i hand people the many things i carry i feel like i have as many arms as shiva and as if i am dancing ..
once the chaos of a lunch rush stops i feel as if time crawls into a corner and i am imprisioned.. i usually get the urge to stick my face and hands to the glass of the windows as if i am a suction cup animal imprisioned in a role and encased in a synthetic, plush and silent form.
oh sigh.
i have a new phone .. i am now contactable ..
so if you would like to reach me .. you can have my number .. feel free to drop me a line.. and relieve my doldrums.

in my corner..

i just got a Thoth tarot deck after much consideration on the issue ... and picked up a book on the Thoth tarot.. and it is so damn interesting .. im so excited.. my mom finally noticed her cards were missing.. i took them a while ago for safekeeping..
im glad she noticed.. im going to give them back to her now ..
she is looking for someone to give her a reading but she wont let me do it.. she asked me if i knew anyone and i said that i was about the most capable person i knew .. but maybe ..
i also finally got a pendulum..
hmm.. so much going on ..

my sting ray wound is healing.. but lately it has been looking a little red.. and in another unrealted matter i came up with a really good idea for a calender/clock ... if i had the skill .. i would seriously make it come to life.. but not yet ..
also wrote a love song and a limerick yesterday ..
too silly..

been keeping busy with all this work and jazz .. the result is that my room has not been cleaned for two weeks..
i am going to first friday today and next friday an art opening..
one of the artists told me that she wanted me to be there becauase she was nervous..

oh yeah..
fellow tallihasians .. i feel that we should start a womens circle where we meet at least once a month ..
what is your take on the issue..

god save us from sting rays.

tried to save the butterfly and couldnt ..went swimming at the beach. got struck by a stingray.. on the trek back to the car to get off the island and get to thre hospital.
i saw two more dead butterflies..
in the e.r. a town over on the mainland.. there was no one nurse to be seen..
waiting very much in pain.. pulsing it was.. charles went to find someone..
taken back ... and sitting in a dinosaur of a hospital i had a suprisingly good time.. even despite the pain..
a few hours later.. after spending much time in a small e.r. . went out to eat .. the waitress burst into tears.. second time this week encountering a stranger who opened up to me..
left a good tip.. and glad to be home..

happy b-day

so i started to make a list of all the insects that i have been seeing lately but it really is a lot ..
even too many to list ..
on the rgular even..and they have been acting wild and crazy too..
today was wendy's skating birthday party... so i went out and bought a pair of socks so that i could go roller skating.
of course .. me and my sister were so promt that we were early and everyone else was late..
kaye went to go get the flasks from the car.. in the meanwhile a lot of people still hadnt showed up ..
i was waiting to skate fearing that once again i would trip over a little kid much like i did on sunday when i waited on that tabe of
twenty five.. so on my way to hang out with some of my friends sitting on a benchi pass a young man .. who asks me if i will skate with him.. thinking him much younger and even sort of confused by the question i half ignore it and quietly offer a no thanks..
but after that he keeps skating by me trying to show off and looking at me .. soon we get word when kaye doesnt come back that there is some trouble in the parking lot.. they were caught drininking.. we decide to leave.. and i take the b-day girl home.
when we get to wendy's we come to find out that jarrod has been arrested in that parking lot..
people came by wendys .. and when spent the rest of the night there until now .. where i have just gotten word here that the cops showed up at wendys house and that my little step sister almost got arrested for drinking underage .. luckily she is as gorgeous as a model and gets out of everything with the cops .. hmm.. so just another day ..

ai

there is in me right now some concern over endomitriosis.. i just found out that my grandmother had it .. hmm.. i should get it checked in to ..
other than that just your normal happy go lucky girl..
stayed at work a little late .. lost a game and got grumpy.. had some pms .. and now have my menses cycling round ..
round and round i must say .. and the pain is well. pain ..
i feel very much tired right now..

alone

today i feel i fall silent.. i feel no need to voice to clamor..
am still in my shell .. sparkle fade the irridescence of my being ..
i am bubbles and bite as fizz pumps through my veins..
i am light and dark as shadows jump across my face..
dance with the light .. let be the movement .
stillness and sound form their own rythym ..

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