evasive swindler
with your nonchalant escapism
will you ever honestly concede
will you ever portay sincere candor

what is left to salvage
what of this history
what of this one moment is left for me
anything?
nothing?
neutrality?
a padlocked box?
a mute muse?
a black and white abstraction?
an abacus?
a cactus?

there was beauty once, remember?
can I recall then let it fall to nostalgia
knowing its gone yet smile
i used to be your angel
i used to curl up in your cove
i used to redirect your missles

then the bombs began to fall in multitudes
the fallout too much too bear
no one knows who started the war
its a shame no one called truce
i'm left destitute and demolished
throwing darts at your folly
knowing peace will be through capitulation

this is not my hope or want
was it all really lies?
was any of it real?
you continue to compose beautiful oscillation
as i sit in volitile forebearance
you continue your encore
i wait for the next move
who will call checkmate

when will your revisions be complete?
How will this be written in your son's eyes?

I'm sorry
I couldn't compromise my entire being
I was strong once, independant
when did I drown?
when did this votex overtake my soul?

you WERE my long lost hope
you ARE my scotoma

these lessons will be bound in gold
all that was gained
all that was lost
the clash of the wills
the tragic moment i found faith
the words i wanted deperately to believe
which shall i cherish?

i know my heart didn't give in
and maybe it was for good reason
would it really have made a difference?
your insecurity would still overrule
is it a koan worth contemplation?
i've already spent years

time to let it be
it just all went...
the way it was supposed to I guess

- stop trying to eat the plastic cornucopia

- its not the aestheitcs, its the ambience I like about ANYTHING- surroundings, personalities, clothes, bodies.

- pondering just leads to more pondering- and falling in love with fantasies.


My heirarchy of relationships:

stranger
aquintance
one night stand
friend of a friend
co-worker
booty call
casual dating (no commitment)
friend
fuck buddy (committed as friends)
girlfriend/boyfriend (love enters the picture)
engagement
marriage
best friend

- I'm not a beaver. I'm an OTTER!

"In all people I see myself, none more and not one a barley-corn less, and the good and bad I say of myself I say to them." -Walt Whitman

"I AM LARGE- I CONTAIN MULTITUDES."- Walt Whitman

" The mid will change, and change shall be relief"- Edgar Bowers from "Amor Vincit Omnia"

"(now the ears of my ears awake and now the eyes of my eyes are opened)"- e.e. cummings from "i thank you god for this most amazing"

-I need a good lemonade recipe- these lemons should be put to good use!

REPRESSION -> DEPRESSION
LIFE LESSONS
PATHS CROSS
AND TANGLE
CONVERSATIONS DANGLE
TRIANGLES CONFUSE AND FRIGHTEN
WHILE THEY REALLY MEAN TO ENLIGHTEN
AND HEIGHTEN
PUZZLE PIECES SCATTERED BY ANGER
CLUTTER THE FLOOR
AND THE LAKESHORE
CAN NO LONGER SOOTHE
ITS BECOME A CHORE
TO LIVE
TO GIVE
SITTING HERE
A BURNOUT
LOOKING FOR A RECHARGE
CURLED UP IN FEAR
AND A POUT

This self-assault
is my own fault
and its me who must rise

Let go!
Let it be!
Let it all go!
Open up and see!

My husband's mom said he couldn't stay there anymore so he's weaseled his way back home. This is not going to be easy. I may have to start packing and move to a shelter to keep my lid on. I'm going to try, but its already a problem and he hasn't even been here overnight yet. I can't tell him not to stay here- it is his house after all and he pays all the bills. I just can't believe that even suggested that I sleep in the basement. I must stay strong and not cave in to his manipulation.

I went to the Inferno on impulse on Wednesday night and had a blast getting my aggression out on the dance floor. Some of the regulars are starting to look at me with curiosity and one of them is HOT! I wouldn't mind making some friends, but my trust of men is still wavering. Why must every man I meet reinforce the stereotype the men are only after one thing. There is so much more to me than sex. I haven't even had sex in almost 2 years- I might not be good for that anyway! Yeah- I look ok with clothes on, but I did give birth 16 months ago and I'm no longer a maiden so I don't know what these guys are thinking anyway.

my 11:11 moment today-
I spent $11.11 at the grocery store today- all on items for the cats- food and litter.