My last entry in this story left Rogan and I living in Ketchum, ID on a hillside in a million dollar house. Well, as we all know, good things come to an end at some point. One day in June 06, I was asked to leave my caretaking position for reasons not concerning me. It was a pretty abrupt turn in our lives and had me really thinking about where we and I wanted to be. At that moment, while sitting in Seattle on University Ave. I had the feeling of moving to Portland. It was actually either Portland or Seattle. Being I was experiencing Seattle at that moment, It was a pretty strong pull to go there. Well, I soon came to the decision of Portland. Now, just how do I get there and start a life.

I returned home, we had about 10 days to find a place to live. Living in Ketchum isn’t the cheapest and being spoiled from living so freakin’ great, I didn’t feel the urge to move down a step. So, I reached out to friends for help. One replied with great courage and strength and took Rogan and I in while I get ready to make our way to Portland. Rogan was the 5th addition to a house that already had four amazing dogs. He fit right in, of course and was at home in no time. We had our own little area downstairs to call partly our own and a nice back yard to run in when ever he wanted. Up the road was Dollar Mtn. A trail led right up to the top and was a popular destination for a short hike. Our friend took her dogs up that trail every morning. While living there, Rogan got to go along with the pack. He loved living in that house so much. He was treated like a king by our friend and loved her very much. In fact, I feel that he was living at the very prime of his life while in ID. That time especially. Every morning I went to work, or slept in and he got to go out with the dogs for their walk. That was a transition time for me personally. I was very unsure of our future and wasn’t really the best dad as far as attention. Thankfully living there made up for my slack 10 fold and he was taken care of in many ways. Thank you for taking care of Rogan, J. He loved you very much and he will never forget you.

While he brightened the lives of everyone around him, I was getting us out of ID. We love it there, but it was to small and isolated for us. So, off to Portland.

We moved to Portland on a sunny Friday, Oct 20, 2006. The day before Diversion. On the way, we saw an amazing sunset with Hood in the background and the river next to us. I knew that this was the right choice for us.

We had no where to really go. No job and no set up living space with the exception of our friend Matt that has a one bedroom apartment on the other side of Burnside, by Beaverton. It’s a sweet pad and he has a dog already, so that’s a lot in a little space. He let us crash at his place for a couple of weeks. That was the start. Rogan and I jumped right into the city. I knew I had to get going and get a job and a place for us. We drove all around town, checking out the scenes and surrounding parks. For the first time in our lives, we were living in the city. Not just visiting. Rogan was a city dog. He loved to the city. We walked in parks all over. So much stimulation and smells, he couldn’t get enough.

The whirlwind of Portland began for us both. While at Diversion, I met some folks, like I had hoped. Well, lets say, these are the right people. What a intro to PDX, with a follow up of HOWL the next weekend after. Damn, that did it for me, I loved this town. But, we still had no where to go and no job for me. At Diversion, I met my friend Flora. She introduced me to other friends of hers and her BF at the time. We kept in touch, she invited me to gatherings and in time we saw each other again. I had run up my time with Matt and headed up to see my oldest and dearest friends from NY. My best friend from growing up lives in ZigZag with his wife and 2 dogs. We hadn’t seen each other in 4 yrs. We finally made it up there to visit and stayed for quite a few days. Getting some sleep and much needed family time. Rogan was at home in the trees and the forest. He easily made friends with their dogs and was soon adored by Brie.

We also made another stop on the way up to ZigZag. Diversion brought us many great things in this city. It offered me the opportunity to meet people that have changed my life in so many ways.
We made that stop in Sandy. Just for a couple of days and we stayed with a couple of friends that I had met. They took us in, and gave us a bed, warm food and love. We are fabulous friends to this day, and I love them both very much.
Oh the power of community.

So, in that time span a few more weeks have gone by, I am out of money and no job. Oh, no place to live either. I am calling around and seeing what is available, and a friend reaches out to ask me to stay in this house. It happened to be the BF of Flora, who was the first person that I met here in PDX during Diversion. I had no where else to go, so I said hell yeah. Rogan and I had a place, at least for a couple more weeks. They had a room for rent, but were not sure of living with a dog. Rogan, being the charming lad that he is, took care of that in no time. About a week later, I was asked to live in that house, with my dog. Been there ever since. And it rocks too. Right off Alberta, exactly the area I wanted to live in .

Now we have a house and I am set on getting my shit together. Rogan can settle down a bit and have a home. The park is 4 blocks away. Alberta is 2. We could walk as much as we wanted. He loved it. The city, with all the dogs at the park. He made friends quickly and we were at the park everyday.

During our time here, we grew in may ways. He became a bit older, and turned 9 in July. I got a job. We began a life, in the city. I was introduced to fire, and started spinning fire hoop with friends. Rogan went everywhere I could bring him in this city. He came with me when I went to work when possible. That was always fun. I loved it when he came with me. It felt like father and son day.

Time passed, spring came and went. We were living it up here in Portland. I noticed Rogue would favor his leg after running one day. I took him in and the vet said to take it easy and slow. We did. I walked him on a leash more and was pretty good about watching him. One day while at the park on Hawthorne, we were practicing a fire routine and I had brought Rogan to get him out of the house. The next thing I knew, he had hurt his right knee and I had to carry him to the car. I was freaking out and wasn’t sure what to think. That was the beginning of a long journey for us both. One that took us deep within the reaches of who I was and am, and who we were to each other.

I was unsure of what to do. I got him checked out, and it was his knee. Not having $3000 dollars, I chose to let it go and see what came of his healing. He go along great. Eventually healing to be able to walk on his leg fully. Not running like he used to but that was ok. We went through the summer. I did my thing, loving Portland and all it offers. Rogan was bit unhappy because he couldn’t do what he loved to do, be outside as much as possible, with me. It hindered me as well. I had to change the way I thought of him and where he could go. But the one thing it did change, was the way that we loved each other. We had spent so much time together that summer. I just enjoyed spending time at home with him so he knew that I wasn’t forgetting him while I was out doing my thing. Summer passes, so does Burning Man. Rogue is doing great. We are walking everyday almost. Oct comes, I get laid off. Well, that was unexpected. And to boot, it was at the same time I moved here a yr before. Go figure, right? Diversion and HOWL pass with success and fun. We are not in to bad a shape with out a job, I am spending a ton of time with Rogan and loving it.

We went up to ZigZag for Thanksgiving. Took the dogs and friends up to family for dinner. While eating dinner, Rogan hurt his other leg. The good leg. Now he has 2 bad knees. I wasn’t very happy to say the least. My world came crashing down with this moment in time. It was the beginning of a dark time in my life, that had a bright center.

Licking his wounds, Rogan and I lay together on Thanksgiving. I wouldn’t leave his side. I just wanted to spend as much time with him as possible, I was seeing his immortality first hand.

I had no idea what to do. No job, no money to now pay a $3-6000 surgery and my companion, partner and love hurt so he can hardly walk. Tough times were ahead for me. Christmas came with a black blurr and left just the same. The new year was offering new light. I started a challenge of some sort the first day of this yr we call 2008. I was sober from drugs and alcohol for the month of Jan. It changed my life. While all this time is passing, I have all the time in the world to spend with my dog, and I did just that. We spent many great ours together. If at home or where ever, I basked in the glow of my dog. He gave me such hope and strength for the future. Being with 2 bad knees, he still had the strength to climb the stairs to sleep in our bed. He just wanted to lead a normal life again. I wanted him too as well. During my sobriety, we took a longer than usual walk, He was so sore that it was hurting me as well. I then began a journey that would show me the true meaning of community in many different ways. I reached out for help, to the community, the one that is reading these posts and emails. Everyone was so warm and welcoming to help. So many people that knew Rogan reached out to get him back on his feet. I was putting off getting a job so that I could rehab him, get him back to shape, then I can get back to work. From the moment I made my choice to got ahead with a surgery to fix his knees, I knew that it was for his greater good. To give him a healthier life, for the rest of his yrs.

In 2 weeks, Rogan and I raised over $2000. People came from many different parts of our lives. Giving donations and well being. I poured myself into my dog, to get him better, to be by my side.

2weeks from that very day, I gazed upon his loving eyes for the last time. Going ahead with doctors orders, I brought Rogan in that Monday night before his surgery. We had found a very helpful and compassionate vet that was willing to help him and fix both of his legs. It was the right thing to do.

The night before, I laid with Rogan. Telling him that it would be alright, and the next 2 months would change our lives. Little did I know how much. I told him I loved him 20 times a day.

On the morning of February 5th, Rogan passed away. He had an allergic reaction and went into anaphalactic shock while sleeping. His heart stopped and he did not come back. My phone rang at 8:45 am. My heart broke that day. I have never felt such pain and loss in my life. I was shattered to say the least. My dog was gone from this plane.

Our time together had come to an end. He had a choice while in that dream state. It was a decision not to be revived and come back to this life. He saw a greater good in the exit he had, and the grief and sorrow that was spared upon me, from watching my dog get old and have to make a choice myself to put him to sleep. He always knew the right way, if it were in the woods or the city, or just around the corner. I would follow him with love and devotion, as he did me.

I write this today, over six weeks since his passing. It’s the last of our story and the beginning of a new story. The beginning of a life that my dog gave me. One with love and compassion. One with friends and family that care. One with the bond and fulfillment of a commitment. He released me from my commitment and set me free in the world. I now have a whole new outlook on life and a new beginning.

I thought of Rogan all day today. He visited me in my dreams last night and let me know that he is alright and always by my side. I feel his presence and his teachings. I am experiencing many things in life, for the first time in many, many years, with out Rogan.
All along, knowing that he is with me wherever I go.

I love you my friend. These words are in your honor, to share the story of the life that we had together and the life that we have to live from here on.




Thank you all that have read these words, gave hugs and love, and those that gave financial support when called for. I wouldn’t be the person I am today, without Rogan in my life, and I can say that I wouldn’t be this person without all of you either.

I left off with the Rainbow Gathering in UT in my last portion of our story. Experiencing the Rainbows gave me a new perspective on life, and how community can work together, feed people and heal. That was just the beginning of a wonderful journey that involved mountains, hotsprings and learning more about myself everyday.

Rogan and I returned to Elko after the Gathering in UT. We lived with my mom and sis for a few months. I got a job, wandered around NV and became very restless. It soon came time for us to move on. I had one place in my head, Portland. There was one problem, it was a bit too far away to just visit without knowing anyone there. So, the next best place that I felt was Sun Valley, ID. It is only about 3 hrs away from Elko and I had only heard that it was really one of the most beautiful places in our country. One day, I decided to make the move happen and start looking for a place to live and a job in that area. I contacted a girl off of the internet that had a room for rent in Bellvue, ID. Which is about 15 miles or so from Ketchum/SV area. It's the first of the 3 towns that make up the Wood River Valley. She liked what we had to say to each other and invited us up to check out the valley and her place. As dog owners, you may know that it's really hard to get a place that will take dogs, much less a 65lb pitt mix. She had a dog too, and welcomed us into her home.

We made the trip up and had.... well... not such a great time. I ended up getting really drunk the first night and sick too. Rogan and I layed in her spare bedroom pretty much all weekend until I had the energy to get out and see the area. It was a sunny day, as usual in that neck o f the woods and he and I went out to eat at a local diner. While there, I was thinking of what I was going to do next. I didn't really feel that great about the valley and was not happy. Just as I finished my meal and was about to pay the check. I heard a familiar laugh. A laugh that I had heard in so many movies over my life. It was Richard Dreyfuss sitting with his family, eating at the local diner. Well, I couldn't stop thinking of What About Bob? and wanted to say something. I didn't. We lived in Woodstock, NY for some time and I was used to seeing celebrities. No big deal. But, it did make me want to come back and live in the area.

2 wks later, Rogan and I moved up to SV and began a our lives there. I got a job, hated it and was very upset with the way the valley worked. I was away from Rogan for long hours again and he was at a new and strange home. We took walks up Trail Creek, which is so amazingly beautiful. The veiws of Bald Mtn are breathtaking and we began to fall in love with the area. We loved to snowshoe and get out in the wilderness. Which was pleniful in that area. Making ends meet was hard for me at that time though.

Few more weeks pass. Living was tough and he and I were getting a bit stressed and frustrated with our NOW. One day, while gasing up the work vehicle, I met my friend to be, housemate and employer, Mat Gershater. We instantly hit it off and I was offered a job, working with kids in an adventure camp called Mountain Adventure Tours. I had made the decision to leave in three days. Well, we stayed and worked the holiday season, making money and meeting community that would change our lives. When the holiday season was up, and the new year had passed, we set out to move back to NY and gather our belongings and come back for camp the following summer.

That was the second time Rogan and I drove across country. He loved to drive in the car. The unknown is what we really loved and spending those adventures together are priceless memories. We went back, lived with a friend for 5 months and moved back out west in May of 04. The third time across our country. We had a great house on the west side of Hailey that Mat owned. It was perfect. Right next to the river, we walked it everyday, wandering up and down the trail meeting other dogs and people. He loved that area so much. It was dog heaven. So much room to run and so many other dogs to meet. He would come to camp at times. The kids loved him. He loved them, as he did everyone.

Keep in mind that Hailey, is the next town up the valley. The next rung on a ladder. We were making our way up a very prominent area, slowly. That summer of 04, we made the trip to the CA Gathering, which was by far the most beautiful time we have had together to that point in life. It was amazing! We hiked about 3 miles to the main meadow and camped way above everyone else to have solitutude and room for him to run. Rainbows have thousands of dogs. Not all of them are nice or clean or trained. I didn't want Rogue to get sick or into fights so we were on the outside of the camping area.

Rogan had this conflict with loud noises. Not sure why. He hated fireworks and thunder. He wouldn't hide, but go after it. Running around in circles barking as to scare the negative energy away. There were thunderstorms almost everyday for the first week, at the same time during the day. The first one came, and I was not at camp. Rogan was there alone and tied up to a tree and in our tent. When returned he was still inside the tent, but had ripped a whole in the mesh, jumped through and made a ruckus, then jumped back in by way of the back door and was all tangled up inside. I wasn't the happiest about this for sure. He had made a huge mess of our home and it was only the first days of our 12 trip. The next day, I had to go to the car and left him behind again. The only reason I left him is because there are so many other dogs that I had a hard time controlling him and carrying all my gear. Not all people that own dogs are responsible, as you may know. Rainbows, being all natural and all, don't really even bother to train their dogs much less get them fixed. So we had some conflicts with dogs on the trails. When I got back this time, he was inside the tent. Wet and tired. He had been running around the hill side barking like a maniac. My close neighbor was so cool and didn't care. It was a free place after all and he knew the situation. We became friends and Rogan began to work his magic. Days pass, we are just loving it. The weather is great, the people are great and we are meeting new people and having amazing adventures in the surrounding hills. What a time. 2 Gatherings he and I shared. The only 2 to this time. We made our way home, and went on with our cushy life in the WRV.

About a yr later, I wanted to move out of Hailey. But not out of the valley. I was working for a local carpet cleaning business and was making good money. One day, I said to a friend that I wanted to move to Kethcum, live for free and have my own place. Well, about 2 months later, I cleaned some carpets for the Philbricks in Ktown and made friends with Theresa. She loved that I had a great dog and was responsible, so she offered me a caretaking position in a fabulous house on the top of a hill with a multi-million dollar veiw. Really just a dream come true, we made it happen. We moved into our own place that january and began the last chapter of our SV life. I was taking care of the house, but all that really mattered was a super sweet yellow lab named Cammie and a cat named Izzy. The house could burn but the animals were my sole responsibility. Rogan and I had it super cushy. We awoke everyday to the sunrise on Baldy. Fox playing outside our door and two amazing animals that we loved. Rogan would go out in the morning, run in the snow and try to chase the fox. Being a 60lb dog in 5 ft of snow was not the easiest to run on. The fox were running like nothing on the snow and he would just post hole while running. They would try and do the sniff butt thing. Rogue would want to get up to them and say hi, but they just weren't having it. When he wasn't looking, the fox would try the same thing with him, but he would turn and want to greet them. It was really beautiful to see them interact. Long distant relatives meeting again in the mountains. The fox were so intrigued by Rogue that they would come up to our door, which was on a hill. You could almost touch them from our front door but the hill was about 10 ft away. We live on the second flr above the garage so there was a space between us and the snow. I loved watching him run the hill, sit in the sun and play with Izzy and Cammie.

We had truly made our way from the bottom of the valley, all the way to the highest house on the hill. It was one of the best times of our lives. Alll this time, Rogan never faltered. He was always present, loving and compassionate to everyone. He made so many friends around Ketchum and loved to just sit on the hill in the sun and sleep. I can still see him, basking in the sun on the porch over looking the valley. He loved life so much, we loved each other, and still do.

Many times in my life, Rogan paved the way for what we had. Living spaces, girlfriends and lovers. He would bring poeple in and make them feel real, loved and happy. I am so blessed to have had this everyday for the past 9.5 yrs of my life. I can only hope to make people feel that way myself. He was truly a zen master and would show me life lessons in such simple ways. His constant spiritual presence is what I can only strive to achieve in my life time. He was doing it naturally and without judgment, hate or conditional love.

I will leave off at this point. There is still so much to write and share. I am leaving out many, many details of our life together, but feel that by sharing this small portion, it will give you all a glimpse of the amazing companion that I had the honor to live with.

Thanks for reading, again. This means a lot to me to write this and is the beginning of a new chapter of my life.

Namaste'

Well, those of you connected to me, and the events that have happened in the past 2 wks know what has happened in my life. Change with a capitol C. I have had the urge to write a bit of my life with my dog, Rogan, to fill you all in on how much this has actually affected me.

Here we go.... In stages....

10 yrs ago, around that time of our beloved Man Burning, I came home from sweet event called the Lemonwheel. It was a Phish concert held in the far reaches of our great country, well, potato country in the northern most part of Maine. After a long and arduous trip with lots of highs and lows, I return to a sunny little town in the Hudson Valley of NY, where I lived with my mom and little sis. I was 23, helping out the family and paying bills. My friend drops me off, walk down the driveway and to my surprise, there is a little puppy hanging out with my family and our dog that we already had.

I was not very happy to say the least. Just what we needed, another dog to feed and take care of. This one was a bit special though. He was only 6 wks old and not too much bigger than a tennis shoe. I immediatly said, What are you doing with that? I don't want that dog, he is not mine. Then proceeded to get home, unpack and decompress from a great time away with the freaks.

Time passes, this puppy, now named Rogan, meaning Red in Celtic, has become a new extention of me, the young man that I was. More time passes, we are bonding and hanging out, doing some training and spending time together. My mom and sister are spoiling the shit out of him, letting him on the couch, all kinds of stuff that lived with him for the rest of his days. We grow close, Rogan and I.

A yr later, my mom is moving out west to Nevada with my aunt to escape the dregdes of the east coast and the rut she was in there. They were selling everything and heading out. Taking the dogs and cats with them, leaving me to my life. I chose to stay in NY to have a life away from family. That was summer of 99.

Being a Pitbull/Rattwieller, Rogan may have looked mean, but was the farthest from that. He was such a lover, very kind and caring with a young heart that was filled with love. My aunt, having many dogs of her own, said that he wouldn't get along with the others and he would have to live in a cage out in the hot desert of NE Nevada. I spoke up at once and said no way! I am taking this dog, the two cats and heading to my new home in the woods. I had a great place, right on a magical creek, with trails and waterfalls all over. I could take him, and I did. So, the journey really starts here.

Rogan and I moved into this house that I shared with a friend that actually turned out not to be such a friend in time, but that was a lesson that I needed to learn and Rogan always new. He never trusted my housemate and would growl at him when he walked in the house.
More time passes, Rogan and I live together pretty much on our own for a few months and rarely see my housemate, which only stayed once a month or so. It was great living situation for me, cause I shared the bills and had a house to myself most of the time.

Rogan at the time had been crate trained, meaning he spent his time in the crate when I was gone. I worked as a ski patroler at a local mtn and spent long hours away and felt really bad about leaving him in a crate for 10 hrs or so. So, I proceeded to break him of that. Slowly training him to stay in the house and protect. But, he didn't get it and was young. He ate my couch a few times. Eating the inside of the cushons and not even ripping or tearing the cover. He some how would undo the zipper and go from there. Coming home to this wasn't the best thing after a long day on the hill so we had some battle for sure. He slowly took to his freedom and the training that I was providing. I wanted him to be trained as a dog, yet still have his own personality.

I met my gf at the time at a phish show that same yr. We hung out and eventually moved in together in another place, then ended up in that same mtn home in Palenville, NY. It was really grand. She fell in love with Rogue immediatly. Few that have met my dog didn't. He was a lover and a great friend. We lived a happy, mtn life. One day, after a season of ski patrol, I was home for 2 wks while taking a break from work and regaining my strength from the season. Rogan and I had been spending lots fo time together, working in the yard, hiking the surrounding hills and watching life, like the water in the creek pass with bliss. One day, I noticed something about him that I had never noticed before.... he had grown into his personality. He grew into that dog, partner and companion that I could only imagine. Of course we all have our issues and he had his. But, he was noticably different. He calmed down a lot. Listened and could think on his own. I realized that I had made the right choice of taking this dog into my heart and life at that very moment. That was 2 yrs after my mom moved away. He was just turning 3 that July.

In the coming months and yr, we travelled all over the eastern seaboard. Ranging from NC to all over Vermont and beyond. He loved to be in the car, travel and see new and exciting places, with his dad. I loved being with him, no matter where we were. He went to a couple of shows that yr. The very first MOE.DOWN in Turin, NY. One of the only dogs there, he was and he even got put in his place by an older lab. We were learning lessons everyday.

Life happens, change. My gf and I split up. I, having to move from the east, just couldn't take it anymore. Rogan and I move up to the mountains to finish my last yr on patrol and live in a nice little retreat center across from the resort. He was immediatly pegged as one of those mean pitbull dogs that kill people. The woman that owned the retreat had known the woman that had gotten killed in SF that year by the two Presa Canarios dogs. I forget her name, it was certainly a tragic time. She made the assumption that he was mean and would hurt people. I convinced her that he wasn't and he soon changed her mind and they became good friends and would run about the property free to do what he pleased. That was one of the first poeple he changed.

That spring, we made our first trip(of 3)across country to Elko, NV where my family was living. On the way, we stopped in Chicago to visit a friend. She was a science teacher in a inner city school. We met her after driving all nite and ate, then went on a field trip to the Chicago River to do a lab. Keep in mind that this was not the school system that I knew. The lightes skin kid was dark hispanic and they new all to well the evils of bad pitbulls. At lunch we let our 2 dogs run the park. The kids were eating and these 2 girls were scared to death of Rogan. They had seen mean dogs and that is what they looked like. Rogan, the gentle being he was, slowly broke them down, and not 10 min later the girls that were on the table scared, were fighting over who would be about to walk Rogue around the park. I was a proud dad that day fo sho. Few days pass, off we go to the far west.

Staying in Elko was not the best for us. I was living with mom and sis. Watched my sis graduate from HS and I took off to the last Phish shows I had ever seen. The Gorge to be exact. Lisa, my ex, came out to visit and go to the shows. That was the last time I have seen her as well. Rogan got to go into the show, parking lot at least and chill while we were in the venue. We couldn't leave him at the campground we were at. It was too hot.

After the shows, we had some time. Lisa's flight was in a couple of days, so we decided to take a trip to the OR coast for our first time on the Pacific. WOW! Needless to say, I fell in love and so did he. I knew OR was the place for us, I just didn't know when. We watched the sunset and set off with our plans. We ended up living in NV for about 6 mnths, hiking the surrounding mtn, spending time in the desert. We also got to go to our first Rainbow Gathering in UT. What an amazing time. 2 ft of snow on June 23rd at 9000 ft elevation! We spent 2 wks there, living in the trees and amazingly magical high alpine meadows and experiencing life to the fullest. He was my companion and partner to the fullest and we loved it. He had people fall in love with him daily on our journeys. His loving eyes and happy smile drew people of all kinds to their hearts and made them think more of the harsh stereotypes that dogs get. They also commended me, as his dad for being there and doing such a great job. He trancended the stereotype of dog even, and became that being of light that I had the pleasure of sharing a large portion of my life with. I now am looking back and realizing the lessons that he has taught me with tears in my eyes and love in my heart.


This post is getting a bit long... so I will leave it at this for the time being. I will write more within the next few days. I apologize for any errors or rants. I am writing from my heart and sharing a small portion of the life that I have lived for the past 10 yrs with my beloved friend and teacher. I feel his teachings should be told and the lessons I have learned shared with others, so we may share them with our loved ones and family.

Thanks for taking the time to read this... more to come soon.