Streams of conscious unconsciousness.

Run away

Ian — Sun, 03 Jun 2007 19:03:53 GMT

I wonder what its like to be pretty, to have people want to talk to you before consuming enough alcohol to stun an elephant. I remeber mos tof the times ive been approached by women/girls in bars etc and its never very interesting, one that sticks out was at a pub called the jailhouse, its closed down now, it was the only place you were garenteed to get in without i.d. and so it was full of underage drinkers and the scum of the city. Anyways it was one night when a band had just played i was standing in the corner trying to concentrate on the pint in my hand, wearing my usual black clothing, a pair of new rocks and a new leather trench coat. I was scinny back then i used to diet on nothing and when i did eat i would go puke up as soon as i could, a girl who was promoting the band, attractive as most girls are, came up to me and started to talk, she was saying stuff about how i shouldnt be so shy with people because i am attractive and bla bla, (the strange thing besides saying that was that she was incredably nice, smart and funny) and just like usual i had no 'balls' and didnt really speak back. Most guys would leap at the chance to chat so an attractive smart girl, being as they want to get 'laid' but i just stay quiet and finish my drink, soon she dissapeared and i continued to drink myself into infinity. The reason i am saying all this is because i dont understand myself, why am i so withdrawn and antisocial, why carnt i chat to people, and even when i do im useless, i dont know what to say, i dont have anything that i think is important or funny enough to say, so i dont. I think i must just be such a freak that its imposible to hold a real conversation with me, god i hate myself,

the cycle of being....

Ian — Thu, 31 May 2007 00:28:47 GMT

We start our journey with the simple yet premiscious credit card, being as we all know that nothing ceases to excist it is mearly transformed into something else, in alot of cases potential energy that is then used by another source. Let me start properly... I lost my credit card, so as far as i know it no longer exists as a credit card and to my limited knowledge it no longer exists to anyone elses better knowledge either, soooo...and im getting to the point you will just have to wait.... god you people are frustrating...:D....has it now been converted into something else? Became a pencil for example or become a large fish laying on the floor of some random pub for some unsuspecting worker to find. If it has become a fish, and i do hope it has, will the worker eat it and then in a process both bizzare and unexplainable, will he becaome a moose or yak and then eat is own room? These questions bother me deeply.

The life cycle of a all things in the eternity and all something or other...

Ian — Thu, 31 May 2007 00:25:50 GMT

Happiness

Ian — Wed, 30 May 2007 23:11:54 GMT

Tonight i feel happy, so im going to try and illustrate that in this blog, i know that alot of my blogs are sick twisted and totally insane at times but its an extension of how i feel most the time, and alot of the time its things that have happened, just like any emotion, that make me feel like that..anyways HAPPY. Erm theres no real reason for me to be feeling happy nothing grat has happened, no turning point, to self revaluation, laughs, so i dont really know why i am feeling happy now but im not going to knock it. Its been a long time since i felt really good and im guessing this is as close as ill come, maybe for a very long time...OH i just realised one reason..i spoke to my brother today, hes in greece working for the summer, he works as a cocktail flair'er. Today he came on msn and web webcam chatted for a while it was a gud laugh, i pulled stupid faces for the most part and he just sat there looking sunburnt :D hes also learning firebreathing which i guess is kool but the idea of having my face erupt in a ball of flames doesnt appeal to me, oh well each to their own. I played counter strike source again for far too many hours, saw my mate and have had a beer so all is well, tomorow i go for another drink, with my mate (its his birthday) and friday i drink some more, not that i have the money. Im curently working on my solo composition for uni, not quite what i planned but still a stong idea, im trying to imatate mike oldfields tubular bells, basically for those who dont recognise it, a transition from one instrument to another following a single theme or 'hook'. Mines not quite that ingenius but is my own rough take on his creation. All this writing is taking it out of me, think ill put on a film and go to be shortly, and a friend is chatting to me so ill f' off. Sleep well people.

Story

Ian — Thu, 17 May 2007 00:02:16 GMT

I am Enfermedad, i am the sickness, my smile, in silence i work. My eyes prised open to view you, because you are enfermedad too. You know not yet but you are, festering in тараканом. L'anima delle cadute del vostro figlio sulla vostra pelle cattiva. Spewed from the mold ridden sack, you land with a view to power. I look up, those above will soon kneel bellow, praying for forgiveness, redemption for sins they do not see. The vultors swoop overhead in erwartung hungry for you soulless cadavers, filled with maggots and amebic life feeding of our músculo rotten. I shall embrace you, my love, my child, i shall teach you this earth 'fore all you see is yours" and you shall take it from earths breast, bring the self to my sweet womb. Take the apple from the tree because it is written such. You are like me. We live Enfermedad, we are the sickness, our smiles, in silence we seek ravage.

Knifey

Ian — Wed, 11 Apr 2007 05:23:36 GMT

Hi, Howdo, Bon jour, yes yes, nice to see you. Humm i havent been on here for agesssss and felt like i wanted to do somthing before i fall asleep. So here i am, it is me! Dunno what im gonna write, or wat i want to say so ill ramble.. Found a good song, its called Happiness doesnt sound very happy. Dunno who its by actually its by Grant Lee Buffalo so i do know who its by.. Humm well that stopped that. I am supost to be doing coursework right now its all late as it is and im back at university in about 5 days. I have been ill, aching all over and had a cold, my eyes have wept for ages (well last night), felt like forever thou so shhh.. Does anyone listen to joy division?? I do so thats pretty much a yes..Depressing NOOOoo! Morbidly juxstaposed no, i dont know what that means sounds good thou. Humm Im ill as i said before but im feeling better honest.. What is a dc electric motor?? And why do i have to write about it?? Im doing a Music Technology course..seem bizarre to you? No? Well you are a fool and and and your mother has 6 elbo's..wow 6! You could do a really cool robot! Bugger i messed up my own insults.. Well i have two choices, no i have a million choices.. Two blokes walk into a bar..well it doesnt have to be two, could be 4 or 10, okay 10 blokes walk into bar well it doesnt have to be 10 could be 900 or 500,000 okay ill round it up. 1 million blokes walk into a bar the first says 'ill get these'! What an idiot, people these days. *Thanks bill bailey* i am a monkey, well genetically im close..Or am i a dolphin? Only one strand, dna wise, different if House m.d. is correct. Anyone noticed that the title has nothing to do with the piece? I just did. Notice how my gramar comes and goes? Shish does nobody pay any attention around here! And why have none of you returned my called i know where you live! No i dont but well i might know, you will never know!

To tears..

Ian — Fri, 29 Dec 2006 01:00:31 GMT

I am wondering why? Tonight i am weakened i want only answers.. to a question i have thought of often. i Have often tried, when the moment calls to produce crystal drops that show my inner feelings, that release some pain and sorrow. I appologise i cannot continue and should not without first telling what i talk of. Why can i not cry? I have tried, ohh how i have tried time and time again i have felt the appropriate feeling wash through me and my eyes have swelled to their brim with salty hydrogen based liquid ready to shed themselves across my young skin. I have tried and falled on all accounts. Even today when a story touched me as so many have, and i felt for even odder reasons a feeling of hope mixed with my own juvinile stupidity, i was still not blessed enough to toss away norms and do what i so wanted to. Am i cursed? Some would see my perdicament as a ray of luck but i am aware that given the imperfect conditions they will show them selves to leave me looking both young and foolish. Is it age that does this? The extraction of tears left only to those who are in love or dying? I want to cry again, to cry all night long, the placebo that will wash me clean. That will open the doors of beauty and let see clearly. I will try to find away to show it in other ways but i dont think i shall find a replacement for what as long gone.

justice served, dinner ate

Ian — Mon, 27 Nov 2006 02:53:36 GMT

its been a week, i think maybe im losing my will lol ive said all this far to many times im like a broken record my words are the same but the tune seems to change with the wind im cold all of a sudden maybe its a sign, a sign that im touching something emotional but its more likely that its the cold air coming through the windows, ill leave that up to you. Not that anyone reads my shit so it doesnt matter either way. Im restless tonight, its a quater to 3 at night and im still awake. Tomorow i have to meet the composer of a song im shortly going to record. Im supost to reasure him i will attempt to meet his expectation and i will, but the truth is as an engineer i will do what i do and can only take what they want in a purely plutonic sense. Possibly plutonics the wrong word but i dont really care. Tomorow, or today i also have to meet a girl (i choose) who i have been speaking to on myspace, yeh yeh yeh, she could be really fucking young or she could be mad as a hat, If shes young then i spend some time with her let her know nothing will happen and alls well, if shes crazy then thats brillent because i might have something in common with her. Ha, i bet she'll turn out to be a bloke, lol got a very femanine voice. Or i guess she could just have suggested it too come and laugh at me, but its not like i can get knocked down to much more. SHIT i really need to do some matlab and get my head round electronics. But the chances are slim and the chances of me actually making the effort are even slimmer. lol well u can see im really enthusiastic. Maybe ill look at it now, but i doubt it, actually feeling tired now an i want to read for a while, THE SEARCH FOR THE DICE MAN is looking as good as its pre-quel. Oh well tomorow brings new challenges that i will face with a down trodden attitude of self loathing, and i guess with that i bid you a fair well.

So long, fair well a....muhcgdskks(mumbles)

Ian — Thu, 23 Nov 2006 23:38:37 GMT

Life, twisted unjustiable nights, somber light death, the second of quiet Voices, running around my mind Silence, unknown but missed Heaven, nothing we can find Pain, life A knife, the answer Noose, the answer A gun, the answer Fall, the answer Hum whats life? Is it the need to reproduce to ensure we dont die away, fall back into the soil, the dirt where we began? Is it the path to find love? And what is love? Is it not the need to reproduce, just our minds want to see something more than just an action? Whoooooosh the words fly through/passed a million heads the brain hears the words of question and reality but defiantly ingnore it suggesting its the talk of a mad man/woman! No one normal would think such! HA fools it is i who is insane and i still see the beauty, but no i am not fooled behind every red rose is a thousand pints of blood, the inards spewed across the green green grass, tears shed for LOVE, RELIGION, i laugh no i will not be like you, i am insane, i am the anti-sane, the truth when u are lies, the light when u are blind, the cool when you are dying, i am no less man than you, but i hate it all. I will shed this skin long before i am expected too, i will cause shock and sorrow but i will be gone and i will no longer have to face it, none of this shame, two-faced, back stabbing, hypocitical, racist, homosexual, sick fucking life! Fuck you and fuck you and fuck you and fuck you and fuck you and fuck it all. Mostly fuck the happy, fuck the 'free', fuck the self denying mother fucker dont lie and dont lie to your self, your a joke. Sweet dreams I love you

Cold rush

Ian — Thu, 02 Nov 2006 23:10:12 GMT

So i thought, i felt like my fears were over that i could live in ignorance. No, there still here. I carnt take negative attitudes, even if people are just joking, i feel empty. What have i done wrong? I never tried to hurt anyone, ive tried to be honest so that people never expect me to lie, and yet they do. More than that, i try to be honest about how insecure i am, how i have been fucked over completely and left a shell. I dont even feel anger toward the person or people who did it to me, i just want to feel human. I want to feel like im not the only freak alive who looks at things and doesnt pretent its all fine. Shit, i just want someone to hold, someone who understands. I know if your reading this then you probably dont care, you maybe have your own problems, i guess if you do then ill take your pain if it means your happy, but dont expect me to sit here and keep my lips sealed, no-one should feel pain alone.

new new new new new new

Ian — Tue, 24 Oct 2006 21:08:48 GMT

its new... so new... f'in new. BAHHHHHHH HUMBUG oh its not christmas yet, well who cares. Recent news is i have just had a cold, which was nice. Ive been drinking today, vodka and redbull and apple, its a mix of my own creation and it tastes a damn site better than frogs p*ss. Not that i know :0 I am unsure why im here, its a lonesum thing i guess, my need to spout random crap, that my current friends arnt quite used to yet. On the issue of friends their a bizzare bunch, two guys who could quite possible be double my age and another who is truely odd when he thinks no1 is paying attention. HAHAHA well i am. Accomodation 101: dont stay at priory hall if you ever go to coventry university, it has council flats, smeered all over it, in a metiphorical sense. I have an interesting module thats pretty much manditory, its called PODCASTING: AN INTRODUCTION. Basically have to do my own podcast. ....ARGGGGGG Im listening to one now, and they just played a song by a bible basher, ohhhh read the bible, read the bible, read the bible. Convinced yet? No, good! Man walks into a bar, and says 'ouch'. hehehehe i havent eaten for a day or so, an im feeling pretty fooked from all the caffine ive injested. Right its taken me like 2 hours to write this inbetween other hugely exciting things, i need to do a CV now, HAPPY DAYS! Oh i cleaned my guitar just a while ago, about time it had strange mold looking marks on the fret board, not good at all, no sir'ee So long Fate Awaits

Hollow

Ian — Sun, 01 Oct 2006 22:50:49 GMT

What's left inside him? Don't he remember us? Can't he believe me? We seemed like brothers Talked for hours last month About what we wanna be I sit now with his hand in mine But I know he can't feel... No one knows What's done is done It's as if he were dead I'm close with his mother And she cries endlessly Lord how we miss him At least what's remembered It's so important to make best friends in life But it's hard when my friend sits with blank expression No one knows What's done is done It's as if he were dead He as hollow as I alone now x4 He as hollow as I alone A shell of my friend Just flesh and bone There's no soul He sees no love I shake my fists at skies above Mad at God...Mad... He as hollow as I converse I wish he'd waken from this curse Hear my words before it's through I want to come in after you My best friend x2 Come back! He as hollow as I alone... He as Hollow as I alone now...

subject whats the point it has no subject: subject this..

Ian — Sun, 01 Oct 2006 20:36:47 GMT

do your friends keep you sane or do they blind you of your insanity? i wonder.. I ponder... I reach no conclusion..i have friends and although i enjoy their company i am aware that there is an exprectation between people to act differently. You never fully let yourself go, or atleast not with the help of large quantities of alcohol. Half the time its so sutle it doesnt catch the attention of thoughts, but its there. I think... lol Oh fook this i cannot be arsed with this high and mighty bull crap i dont care what ever.. Were all screwed and thats all that needs to be said no more explaining no more reasoning. Well not atleast untill my next post. Im to cold to want to explain my sporatic thoughts, there is no explanation needed. OPINIONS thats all anything is...F@CK Good night seatle

otherside

Ian — Tue, 26 Sep 2006 21:55:47 GMT

I went on to the bridge along time ago...now im on the other side. The grass is no way greener here. I was thinking to my self today, as i do, that although i havent been as 'depressed' recently i really am. I mean i had noticed that the last month ive not displayed my usual signs of manic misery, no deep drops in mood no nagging thoughts pulling my thoughts to the dark and gloomy. This is no way a recovery. I have just moved onto a new phase, of my disorganised life. Infact i am still depressed and still upset by the world that swirls around. I have just become tired of it all so tired my eyes barely register the sickness, my lids fall in their usual slow bitter rhythm. Im at uni and im getting really tired everynight someone sets of the fire alarm and every night i walk downstairs and outside to freeze for 20mins. My mornings are slow and painful.. I dont really know what to say i just feel like for a while i could have been different but know i truely know that i will always be the same and that things will only get worse. Optimism is for those who cannot face the truth that the bad out ways the good. Being optimistic doesnt make you any better it just means that when things do go wrong the fall back to reality is so much bigger. sweet knightmares

return to sender

Ian — Sat, 23 Sep 2006 23:38:34 GMT

hey Welcome to a new experience... Its back well if your reading this then i guess you already knew that so i wont comment to much i promice...hehe I will say thou that i think the site does look better now not that i ever had any strong issues with the pervious layout. The news.. Im at uni now i moved in earlier today, well yesterday actually, and all though my room is not hugely welcoming and i have a strong sense of constricting loneliness i think that will soon pass. It has its merits of course such as no longer being at home and the chance to smoke in my room without any thought for my parents dissaproving emotions. I have no tv so thats a no to final fantasy, well at least not till i get my loan and grant through and then it will be 32 inch screens all the way. Or maybe just a 19 inch tv/monitor ahhhh heaven. I hope any one who is reading this is in good health and so on. And i think its about time Bex sent me another riveting email so i can soak in her refreshing realism. email me if it takes your fancy other wise happy days I R BABOON

fish sticks

Ian — Tue, 01 Aug 2006 00:22:26 GMT

....a long long time ago in a galaxy far far away.... The rebel alliance has placed a block aid at the .... Oh man im sad..lol Im so worn out from college work i just dont know what to do. Ive started drinking again. Im tired constantly and im pretty sure im going crazy. Saturday i was playing guitar an i was doing pull off and hammer ons as fast as i could and suddenly i was freaking out. My heart was racing and my head was a swurling mist, i was trying to think, of anything to stop it but everything was out of reach. Like a slippery ledge i kept on slipping back into the whirlpool. It lasted for about 10 minutes and then as quick as it came it went. I want to be sick, i want to sleep for eternity, i want to be pretty. What i really want is to be a good musician in a good band. I dont want to go to uni and i dont want a job, not really. Its all just a waste. Life is too short to waste...well why do we all get jobs then, its felt pretty fucking long so far. God im tired, im gonna do some college work before bed. Then tomorrow ill get up at 9 and go into college to do more. Peace out.

post..post

Ian — Sun, 30 Jul 2006 01:46:18 GMT

Hello, thought id quickly write abit on here while i wait for some cd's to burn so i can go to sleep. I have recently been feeling over-weight. Im like 9 1/4 stones but i just feel like theres fat thats hanging from my bones, shapeless, pointless fat. I have been cutting down on my eating kinda. Some days ill eat nothing really then a few days later ill have 3 things. It always makes me feel so sick, i can feel the grease slopping around in my stomach. Anyways today i ate twice but after the second time i have to throw up. It came up real easy, sometimes i have to really push but this time it was like my body was saying 'Fuck me i dont want this shit!'. I know im being stupid and there are better ways to slim than puke up but my retort is there are better ways to die but i still smoke. Ha, what say you now? Anyways i sit here now as my bed becons to me, and my eyes slowly slide shut, my fingers gently tap out the words Good night.

I feel...

Ian — Tue, 25 Jul 2006 03:25:39 GMT

i feel lonely today, and exusted, and suprised. Lonely because no one has replied to me in a while. Exusted just because of this insane heat and playing drums for twenty minutes earlier and totally mashing it up, i think i went a little insane. And im suprised because a band i thought were crap when i heard their demo a year ago, now sounds really and frankly fucking impressive. Their called Sika Redem, they were signed a while ago and recorded their album in Wales and Sweden. I just heard their track 'The October Bird of Death' and its really quite good. Almost progressive with a really heavy theme. They only reason i listened to it is because my cousins mates are the band. Blah blah blah. Anyways.... I have final fantasy VII, oh yes i got it on friday and have done about 13.30 hours so far. Not counting the fact i also had to restart the second day because i found out mu memory card wasnt working so had to get a new one. But it only cost a £0.99 so im not really complaining. Ohh yeah and my mate gave me final fantasy IX to play after, and dun dun durrr steve should be giving me final fantasy X soon so happy days. I've got a job again which totally sucks ass. I just hate this feeling that if i have a job then im gonna get stuck there. I find money to be a horrible filthy creation which turns the best of people (bar a few) into the worst back stabbing succubus. The good thing about it on the other hand is that its easy as wiping your arse, and i get to buy my own ps2 and play even more final fantasy. Other than that ill spend all my money of cigarettes and drinks from the shop when im at college. I refuse to lend any more money to mates now, ive got sick and tired of them. Once they needed money because of the costs of their small council lives and so i lent them a sholder to lean against, but now they spend all their money on weed and then complain constantly that they have no money like they didnt have at the start of the week. HELLO weed is not a nesessity. Yeah i know its good sometimes i mean i smoked it for about 3 years but never everyday it was offered and i got to the stage when i realised that the money i had to work hard for wasnt going on shit, that made my mood worse. Yeah, i get that outward-ly they seem happier, but they are fucked all the little things they never resolved all their feelings that they carnt let out build up. Well fuck that, you want to take drugs fine but dont make me feel bad because i care. Bastards. See in a way i really hate what their doing to themslves but they are still my mates and i would do alot for them. Obviously in a very manly way ahem ahem!!

I mean small harm

Ian — Sun, 16 Jul 2006 01:51:33 GMT

I have finally finished a book ive been reading for a quite substancual time now. Maldoror just takes alot of thought and awareness to progress, it is quite easy to read a line and re-read it over and over again for all of eternity not truely ever knowing what was ment. There is no real way of explaining the book, with most you feel as if you can relate it to another in a pretty honest manor but with Maldoror, there is no narrative to use and the sub-sections out of their context make little or no sense to the listener. I would sugest if you think you could handle a pretty dangerous and provoking book read it, but be warned you may regret the decision. Anyway i wrote a small piece that came out early and ill paste it in here... How do i explain? How do I explain? Have you felt the same? Does you libido swiftly rise as the atoms are tickled apart and crimson life rushes past? Do you fear yourself? Hate yourself? I will kill myself I promise now to the highest form i direct these words like shrapnel. I shall strip away myself and leave only my flesh to rot and feed you so you may grow fat and greedy, never needing to feed again. Once you have gorged on my lifeless carcass I shall feed all others first the birds who will peck at my tear torn eyes and marrow thickened bones. Oh how I envy you, flying majesty of the sky, you who looks down on all, take your feast, spare no thought for my hideous face as I stare though eyeless holes questioning your presence. As my body softens and sags from its frame, I call on you the worst of Diablo’s fiends, you whose nature holds no true form. Oh you, maggots, repulse me. You whom swarm to all dead. Yes even you may eat from me. Leave only my bones for the pigs. Until my day, I will admire all creatures save for you, Neanderthal, freak, call yourself evolution, I pity you. I stand amongst you and laugh, callous thoughtless wasters. In the shadow of night he calls out to you ‘take your lives you lowest of low, take your lives and leave with the knowledge that you have done one right, your final act will be the worthy of some redemption. He will not stand for you, not your kind, but you may see a small gratitude in his watery eyes and is that not enough?’ It is the darkest of my thoughts, entwined with weak music that makes me script these lines. I mean no offence to the individual mortal, i mearly show you my inards to you may scrutanise and disect them. So you may crush them under you heals and leave me in the darkest places i will ever go. The one thing i will not appologise for is my actions, i strongly believe that we humans do more damage than good. I would be happy knowing we would all perish leaving this world little more than scarred. I lay before you naked and shriveled Crush away.

Forever Autumn....

Ian — Fri, 07 Jul 2006 00:46:48 GMT

The summer sun is fading as the year grows old And darker days are drawing near The winter winds will be much colder Now you're not here I watch the birds fly south across the autumn sky And one by one they disappear I wish that I was flying with them Now you're not here Like the sun through the trees you came to love me Like a leaf on a breeze you blew away Through autumns golden gown we used to kick our way You always loved this time of year Those fallen leaves lay undisturbed now Cause you're not here Cause you're not here Cause you're not here Like the sun through the trees you came to love me Like a leaf on a breeze you blew away A gentle rain falls softly on my wary eyes As if to hide a lonely tear My life will be forever autumn Cause you're not here Cause you're not here Cause you're not here By Jeff Wayne Part of the 'War Of The Worlds' Album 1978 Im listening to this album today ive just put it on my mp3 player and the soft music brings back car journeys as a child. In the back of the car my parents in the front, and a strange recollection that i once felt comfy and safe. Happy within myself as much as out. I looked at my parents as guides people with experience who could help me to go on the right path, like the stick to the blind man. Now when i think of my parents i feel sorrow, i love them yes, they produced me and with out them i wouldnt be alive to feel good or bad. I feel upset that my dad will never really have a conversation with me about feelings and emotions, he shouldnt feel ashamed about them, or maybe he should and he has something to hide. My mum should listen and not presume me to be a total fool, always ready to pass me of with quick lines, hey mum i think i need some help with my depression 'Well what do you expect us to do?' she retorts. It almost makes me cry, and sometimes i wish i would but then i carnt nothing comes out my eyes secrete their salty sweet solution but the precious drops hold on to my iris like a monkey to its tree. sweet sweet music, you who brings all to my life, when will you take it away. good night

Amendment

Ian — Wed, 28 Jun 2006 00:58:58 GMT

I appologise. While i was listening to some sobering music and just letting thoughts just drift through, glancing at them like through the shop window. I realised that i could well have become who i hated. I never wanted to be one of those self believing big heads who presume they know all. I am deeply sorry. The way i talk on here sugests i am like that. Infact i know very little and what i know if fighting a battle between logic, and knowledge, and feelings. I have a 'tutor' or 'mentor' we chat and debate about things, at the end i generally feel i have left knowing more because i have seen both sides and worked out the only obvious solution. There are many things you may dissagree with me about and fair enough. We each live in our own fairytale world where we can choose what we believe. Maybe my views have been tanted by bullying or feelings of unwantedness, who can say. The only way we can be truely different is make choices is to ask questions. I think many people are willing to follow the path of others because hell if they did it it must be right. i would love if some people would answer this question.. Imagine your 8 or 10 (young anyways) and your out with a group of friends and they want to climb a tree, you suddenly realise you hate climbing trees you've seen the point do you a)because you dont want to climb the tree say no, and risk being disliked by your only friends b)You really dont want to climb the tree but do it to keep your friends happy c)Hey i was never really thinking like that at that age! i too begin with went with a, i always felt so alone and cold, strong feelings of rejection haunt my every move. My only hope in my eyes was to cling onto these people who i truely shared little in common with as they had accepted my into their group even if it was only because i did as i was told (submissive git i am). As time went on i realised that it was futile and pointless nothing was going to change i would never feel happy as i wanted to. I desided that i had had enough of doing what they wanted, walking the streets, smoking weed, and drinking and so i stopped. It wasnt that easy they still came to my door and wanted me to join them for a game of football(FOOTBALL what yeh cause i wanna stand around like a twat and fetch your ball) after a couple of months of advoidance they stopped and i was in the clear. Sweet sweet victory was mine. So im happy right? Wrong i still have this feeling of rejection and loneliness, the same as when i had friends but now i have no-one at all. Now that i have a few friends that i feel i can trust to a decent degree i still feel like crap. But i now understand that its more about me than anything. Saying that thou those first few friends just were plain and simple tidious. What i was aiming to say what that i am just a lonely, misserable, degrenerate, freak who is never happy, and i dont mean to sould like such a self inflated git. sweetdreams So many eyes are watching a world in change That remains the same

question after question after eternal

Ian — Wed, 28 Jun 2006 00:10:17 GMT

i like skies, the way the clouds are pulled to and frow, brutal yet soft, only to drop their load dissapating and reforming. I like the animal kingdom, each animal understanding its place living only to acomplish minor tasks, never questioning never pausing. Equilibrium. Harmony. Sweet. I like the grain in wood patterns detailed and complex beyond our imaginations. Such sweetness and we pass it by day to day, week to week. Every thing is beautiful. I hate humans, disfiqured and grotesque. All thats unpure, unruly and rabid. Humans cause pain, loneliness, fear and death. Any pleasure is gained for personal reasons even if the person gaining is unaware of that fact. And yes i am human, i am as sick as you, i am worthy of death quick and silent. I only differ for one reason. I see us for what we are. There will not be a moment of shock at our insane actions in my mind. Thou i am shocked by the repetative nature inwhich we live our lives. God bless man kind.

humanity

Ian — Tue, 27 Jun 2006 00:07:02 GMT

I ment to write here, something important, something heartfelt and true. I sit here and i carnt. I dont know where to begin do i try and explain, and what little nugget of filth to speak of. There are plenty of nuggets, they pile up like a mountain reaching far beyond the cloudy sky. I fear if i remove those closer to me and open them for others to see, i will be crushed by all those as they fall. My body crushed and brusied from the wieght of this alone, no one to pull me to safety. There is one who knows this mountain better than i, to my knowledge, but we would not share with many of you because there is danger involved. If you are no ready you will never be. Hey, i supose this makes little if no sense to anyone who reads it. Or maybe it does. Either way your better of not understanding. Its easier that way.