I was just now laying down in the bed, going over and trying to understand some thoughts that I have been feeling. See though I know that sometimes I act up and play grab ass games and I really do know that it bugs some people. What can I say I am one of the touchy type's. I also know that some people don't care much for the " Playing Gay" act I put on. Not that I have had anyone come right out and say it. But I do try and respect people and their feelings. So before i go on and try to explain why I do the things I do. I just want anyone that is not comfortable with these acts to take me aside and have a talk with me. The last think I want to do is drive off all the great people that I have meet sense I moved here. Its not a well know fact that I was going to retire from the SCA before i moved to Houston. Because of how some of the knights and the Good old boys of Meridies where trying to pull my fighters card just because I did want to play the potical games or that fact that I came back from Atlantia. It was almost a living hell there.

Over the past few weeks I have started to feel that was making some really bad mistakes in my actions. But relized that most of these where becaue I was having issues with my the passing of my grandmother, bad things that have happened to me, and that at times I do feel over looked. Depression in short. What I really want is to make people laugh, smile and have a good time but for selfish reasons and also because I really do like yall.

I feel like I am on a rant, that I am not truly expressing what I want to in the blog. I do know that I want to express that despite what I do at times that Famly and friends are important to me, I try to be a good person. There is a very long history that goes with know me. Like no matter how hard I do try to walk that path that I do stray from it and this leads to me feeling a fault for my short comings.

I have had some person come into my life over the past few months that have told me things I didn't want to hear. I am talking about negative things about people I respect. I will be bring these comments that where made to me to the persons that these people are talking so badly about because I can't deal with them anymore and its not fair that they don't have the backbone to say it to the person they are talking about.

I have issues about failure and this last spring semester I got 2 F's because I was else where in my mind and couldn't focus on what was important. I am glad to say that I was able to address these grades and worked it out so that I was able to fix them but it was still a crushing blow to my self esteem. Going to wrap it up here after saying this. Its not always easy to be my friend but know this I would give my life for a friend in need or in trouble if needed.

Not sure if anyone reads my blog but on Dec 7th this year I lost the person that was closest to my heart. My Grandmother, I will miss her more than I can put to words. She was everything to me. She helped me when I was in trouble, which was allot, in my youth. She bailed me out of troubles when I had no way out. Guess you can save she had saved my life many times and now she is gone. I was not there at the end but I would have dropped everything to have been so she could hear me tell her how much I loved her but I will have to assume that she knew how much I did. I was so focused on making a 4.0 gpa this semester that I feel like I didn't call as much as I should have to check on her. I just have to go on the faith that in her eyes I was not a failure and that she was proud of what I was doing with my life.

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