It's hard to sleep without him... it's hard to eat without him... it's hard to even breathe without him... He was all I lived for... for a year... I sleep restlessly everynight... I wake up and I'm still thinking of him... Good riddence is what my friends say... he was too young for me they tell me... Too immature. I often times was the immature one, but it's true... he shouldn't have to deal with my physical problems... He's too young... too young... well what is old enough. I SAY I"M TOO YOUNG! I shouldn't have to have these problems, I have to use a cane at least two to four days a week. I'm on 80mg of OxyContin a day! PLUS five vicodins! I'm too young to deal with this SHIT! It's not fucking fair! Life has not been fair! nobody promised it would be... A mother with full blown AIDS... Me with HIV, spondilitis... muscular dystrophy (or whatever the doctors want to stamp me with). I'm better off without him??? I guess so... i thoght i loved him but i think i loved him being there for me... we could never discuss politics or current events... or we just didnt... sometimes it was just enough to be together... I did love him.. I'd probably take him back in a heartbeat, (broken though as it may be). I don't know if he loved me or if he was just comfortable. He said he did... and I believe it... he wasn't happy and neither was I... I was happy I had him, there, with me, but all good things (in my life) come to an end... In hindsight i could have treated him better... i was constantly drinking away the pain... It just caused more. I don't know why I'm writing right now... Maybe it helps maybe it makes it harder on me. I just wish i knew what can be done to fix things so we can be friends... I texted him to find out if he was ok... In a moment of weakness, i put that I miss him so much, and then asked if he was ok... He never texted me back... I guess that means that he's alright and just doesn't wan't to interact. Unless he needs me. That's fine, it just makes it harder on me. He can have his little boyfriend to party with, who's closer to his age, without my problems. I can go to see the orthopedic surgeon, and be alone, during recovery, and he doesn't have to have a lover that hurts so much... needs so much... I think i have enough friends and have done enough people huge favors, that there will be people to check on me... If they are going to do surgery, i hope they just do it. right now I'm just waiting to find out. IT SUCKS not knowing. After all that I've done in my life for other people, from hospice work to helping pass the Californians for compassionate Use Act of 1996... to helping start the first Heart circles that women were included in in sf... and I'm still alone.... still hurting... and still hurting others... I never meant to hurt others... I'm human... I fuck up too...
I just wish i could be like everyone else my age... being active... being normal... I took myself off of some of the drugs that were fucking up my sex drive... the drugs for the shooting pains and the seizures... and he left 2 days later... now i can get it up but havent even masturbated since he left... I've had plenty of opportunities for sex... i just don't want anybody but rj. And I really don't know if i want him... After what he's done to me... said to me... said about me... the way he left me... he'd do it again... and probably will do it again... if I had things to do over... things would have been different. I don't have that option