The stupid fucking shit is that I am welcomed him back in my home let him sleep over... I have been sober lately and going to sometimes three meetings a fuckin day... I thought that it was time to come to grips with my own problems, and i was using alcohol to wash awat the pain. "I don't drink to remember Darling" was always my answer when some body at the bar asked me if "I remembered when...." RJ told me that he was sober and that he wamted ro come over... I asked him "Are you sure?" he answereed yes. After he came over we hugged we kissed I told him that I loved him, and he said that he loved me tooo... we must've said it 20n times when we were together.... Then we had sex... it felt like we were ok again... he was still going to date ronnie but we could be friends....
ALL OF MY PRAYERS HAD BEEN ANSWERED
After he slept at my house he went to school, then came back to my hose... He called me twice during my AA meeting sso i left a few minutes early. He immediatly got in bed and he laid down we kissed hugged bit eachothers necks... said those three words i will only reserve for him, (he is not my family ican say ito them).

RJ then was horny again so since I finally got my sex drive back we did it again. The first time RJ took off the condomand came inside me.
HE FULL KNEW THAT WOULD REINFECT ME AND CAN MAKE MY HIV MULTIPLY FASTER.
We started to get hot and heavy and it was beautiful felt magical. a dream come true... then he didn't even worry about the condom and just stuck it in. Lubed it up and just stuck it in my hole. Just a piece of meat.
THEN HE CAME AGAIN IN MY ASS KNOWWING FULL WELL THAT HE WAS REINFECTING ME PLUS HE HAS HPV RUNNING RAMPANT IN HIS SYSTEM.
He left shortly after he purposefully reinfected me told me he loved me and then text messaged me that he couldn't see me any more because Ronny who he broke up with me for said he'd brake off m all relations with him.
WHEN I CALLED RJ HE SAID HE WAS HIGH WHEN HE FUCKED ME HATES ME AND FUCKED ME TOHURTME HE DIDI IT OUT OF SPITE. HE WANTED TO HURT ME AND NEVER WANTS TO SEE ME AGAIN THAT I JUST DEPRESS HIM.
Before he left he had the motherfucking gall to get me to take him shopping for lebret jewelry and i did!
I then had a nervous brakedown cause the(phone) conversation transpired at the task force (AIDS Agency), and I had to leave right after my doctors apt for the fact that I was havin continuous panic attacks.I have never, or at least in recent memory been hurt that bad. It comes close to when my Ex killed himself.
I have been under alot of stress lately I have a thousand dollar utility bill cause they diidnt read the meter for so long, and my rent.. I'll be homeless in three weeks. I've been walking with a cane and falling asleep in public cause of my meds. nobody even calls me back for jobs. When I was o drugs i could always find work.
So I planned it out... I went out... Pretty much gave away all my money... bought a bag of coke... that way i wouldn't puke... went home took a handful of tranquilizers and sedatives. i couldn't keep them down... I text rj to get whatever he wanted from the apt and then took 800mg of oxy's. I guess my friend jen got a call from rj and she came over i dont know how long she was there. Then I remember an old friend who lives here in town coming over. I think i puked... I told him i'd be ok... I think that this was like 12 hours later. i dont really remember anything else other than i kept waking up half in and half out of bed. It all started wed night after i got the call from rj saying he fucked me out of spite and wante dto cause me pain because as he said i gave him 12 months of pain. well folks read his testimonial it's the one at the bottom that says unsubscribed.He says nopthing about 12 months of pain in there! I HATE HIS FUCKING GUTS! I LOVE(D) HIM TOO THOUGH!

I just have to admit that he used me my arms are getting tired but I'll try to finish...
Friday @ 4pm is when i finally came to... my mental healrh counselor was calling. I could barely talk and hung up on her. THE RAZOR BLADE WAS ALREADY IN MY HAND.. I slashed my left wrist , the blade was so dull it tore and pulled at the skin i swiped a few more times, and let it bleed. I looked out the window and the military police were evereywhere. so i turned on the stove and heated up the edge of a butter knife and coderized the incisions. It didn't fool them. I spent some time in the hospital but they ended up with a lot of gunshotvictims in the span of 1 hour and the discharged me to valerie a lady I know from AA.

Anyway i'm tired of life cant get benifits cant afford a lawyer in cali so i can at least get ssi. they wont give me full disability cause i'm not still with parents and i have never worked 40 quarters on the books. I can't get my back surgery and have to go to some scary clinic for toothwork once i can get my id... life sucks maybe ill try the bridge next time or hide somewheere with a much sharper blade... maybe things will turn around.... HEY THERES AN IDEA FUCK LIFE