My Blog

SICK....

kidderwhat — Sat, 19 Jan 2008 17:02:02 GMT

I've been sick now for a few days... closer to a week and a half. First it was the stomach flu.. now its the fever and night sweats. don't feel goood about it. I'm downrigt scared about what my t-cells are doing... I 've beeen doing everything right, no drinking, no drugs, I have been stressed and not eating well.. that may have added to it. Also lateley (since X-mas) I have been supporting an 80 yearold heartpatient who had flown back home after twelve years to get post cardiac treatment from a heart surgery that he had undergone in Honduras. He lost so much blood and refused the transfusion, because of an infection that was running rampant there. In fact his hospital roomie ended up with such so he adimately refused honduran blood. Mr. Joe would have been stuck out in the cold on X-mas, because his travel agent screwed him over on his plane tickets, once he arrived domestically all of his plane tickets were void and null. Mr Joe spent the rest of his money and then some, just to get to new orleans so he could recieve care from one of the backbones of care for our aging veterans of forein affairs... which should be the VA... That is if the VA here was up and running... or at least functional. They kept trying to get him into a drug and alcohol program, for those were the only immediate available channels, and when he was admitted to that program then they would put him in the hospital to evaluate his condition... he refused... he got confused... he admits hes old and does'nt think too fast. Unfortunately it has worked against him. I finally got him an apartment thursday, after I've put out almost 450$ I then paid another two hundred to get him his own apartment. I haven't been taking care of my self, cause i've been taking care of everyone else.

He apologized... I love him and need him...

kidderwhat — Sat, 24 Nov 2007 06:47:12 GMT

I know that I swore him off... But love prevails.... The things he said were induced by other people... anger and his trying to do something that he really didn't want... and that was to stay away from me... I don't know what is going on now... he's back.. sorta... wants to date around... to me that seems more like shopping... finds something better and goes for it... he did it once... he might do it again... so I'm keeping guarded, for now. I haven't drank in two weeks (over) and feel slot better. I don't want him to hurt mr again and mess that up..

The little shit came back! For a day to use me.

kidderwhat — Sun, 18 Nov 2007 06:05:42 GMT

The stupid fucking shit is that I am welcomed him back in my home let him sleep over... I have been sober lately and going to sometimes three meetings a fuckin day... I thought that it was time to come to grips with my own problems, and i was using alcohol to wash awat the pain. "I don't drink to remember Darling" was always my answer when some body at the bar asked me if "I remembered when...." RJ told me that he was sober and that he wamted ro come over... I asked him "Are you sure?" he answereed yes. After he came over we hugged we kissed I told him that I loved him, and he said that he loved me tooo... we must've said it 20n times when we were together.... Then we had sex... it felt like we were ok again... he was still going to date ronnie but we could be friends.... ALL OF MY PRAYERS HAD BEEN ANSWERED After he slept at my house he went to school, then came back to my hose... He called me twice during my AA meeting sso i left a few minutes early. He immediatly got in bed and he laid down we kissed hugged bit eachothers necks... said those three words i will only reserve for him, (he is not my family ican say ito them). RJ then was horny again so since I finally got my sex drive back we did it again. The first time RJ took off the condomand came inside me. HE FULL KNEW THAT WOULD REINFECT ME AND CAN MAKE MY HIV MULTIPLY FASTER. We started to get hot and heavy and it was beautiful felt magical. a dream come true... then he didn't even worry about the condom and just stuck it in. Lubed it up and just stuck it in my hole. Just a piece of meat. THEN HE CAME AGAIN IN MY ASS KNOWWING FULL WELL THAT HE WAS REINFECTING ME PLUS HE HAS HPV RUNNING RAMPANT IN HIS SYSTEM. He left shortly after he purposefully reinfected me told me he loved me and then text messaged me that he couldn't see me any more because Ronny who he broke up with me for said he'd brake off m all relations with him. WHEN I CALLED RJ HE SAID HE WAS HIGH WHEN HE FUCKED ME HATES ME AND FUCKED ME TOHURTME HE DIDI IT OUT OF SPITE. HE WANTED TO HURT ME AND NEVER WANTS TO SEE ME AGAIN THAT I JUST DEPRESS HIM. Before he left he had the motherfucking gall to get me to take him shopping for lebret jewelry and i did! I then had a nervous brakedown cause the(phone) conversation transpired at the task force (AIDS Agency), and I had to leave right after my doctors apt for the fact that I was havin continuous panic attacks.I have never, or at least in recent memory been hurt that bad. It comes close to when my Ex killed himself. I have been under alot of stress lately I have a thousand dollar utility bill cause they diidnt read the meter for so long, and my rent.. I'll be homeless in three weeks. I've been walking with a cane and falling asleep in public cause of my meds. nobody even calls me back for jobs. When I was o drugs i could always find work. So I planned it out... I went out... Pretty much gave away all my money... bought a bag of coke... that way i wouldn't puke... went home took a handful of tranquilizers and sedatives. i couldn't keep them down... I text rj to get whatever he wanted from the apt and then took 800mg of oxy's. I guess my friend jen got a call from rj and she came over i dont know how long she was there. Then I remember an old friend who lives here in town coming over. I think i puked... I told him i'd be ok... I think that this was like 12 hours later. i dont really remember anything else other than i kept waking up half in and half out of bed. It all started wed night after i got the call from rj saying he fucked me out of spite and wante dto cause me pain because as he said i gave him 12 months of pain. well folks read his testimonial it's the one at the bottom that says unsubscribed.He says nopthing about 12 months of pain in there! I HATE HIS FUCKING GUTS! I LOVE(D) HIM TOO THOUGH! I just have to admit that he used me my arms are getting tired but I'll try to finish... Friday @ 4pm is when i finally came to... my mental healrh counselor was calling. I could barely talk and hung up on her. THE RAZOR BLADE WAS ALREADY IN MY HAND.. I slashed my left wrist , the blade was so dull it tore and pulled at the skin i swiped a few more times, and let it bleed. I looked out the window and the military police were evereywhere. so i turned on the stove and heated up the edge of a butter knife and coderized the incisions. It didn't fool them. I spent some time in the hospital but they ended up with a lot of gunshotvictims in the span of 1 hour and the discharged me to valerie a lady I know from AA. Anyway i'm tired of life cant get benifits cant afford a lawyer in cali so i can at least get ssi. they wont give me full disability cause i'm not still with parents and i have never worked 40 quarters on the books. I can't get my back surgery and have to go to some scary clinic for toothwork once i can get my id... life sucks maybe ill try the bridge next time or hide somewheere with a much sharper blade... maybe things will turn around.... HEY THERES AN IDEA FUCK LIFE

It's getting easier... but it's still hard...

kidderwhat — Sat, 27 Oct 2007 17:38:27 GMT

It's hard to sleep without him... it's hard to eat without him... it's hard to even breathe without him... He was all I lived for... for a year... I sleep restlessly everynight... I wake up and I'm still thinking of him... Good riddence is what my friends say... he was too young for me they tell me... Too immature. I often times was the immature one, but it's true... he shouldn't have to deal with my physical problems... He's too young... too young... well what is old enough. I SAY I"M TOO YOUNG! I shouldn't have to have these problems, I have to use a cane at least two to four days a week. I'm on 80mg of OxyContin a day! PLUS five vicodins! I'm too young to deal with this SHIT! It's not fucking fair! Life has not been fair! nobody promised it would be... A mother with full blown AIDS... Me with HIV, spondilitis... muscular dystrophy (or whatever the doctors want to stamp me with). I'm better off without him??? I guess so... i thoght i loved him but i think i loved him being there for me... we could never discuss politics or current events... or we just didnt... sometimes it was just enough to be together... I did love him.. I'd probably take him back in a heartbeat, (broken though as it may be). I don't know if he loved me or if he was just comfortable. He said he did... and I believe it... he wasn't happy and neither was I... I was happy I had him, there, with me, but all good things (in my life) come to an end... In hindsight i could have treated him better... i was constantly drinking away the pain... It just caused more. I don't know why I'm writing right now... Maybe it helps maybe it makes it harder on me. I just wish i knew what can be done to fix things so we can be friends... I texted him to find out if he was ok... In a moment of weakness, i put that I miss him so much, and then asked if he was ok... He never texted me back... I guess that means that he's alright and just doesn't wan't to interact. Unless he needs me. That's fine, it just makes it harder on me. He can have his little boyfriend to party with, who's closer to his age, without my problems. I can go to see the orthopedic surgeon, and be alone, during recovery, and he doesn't have to have a lover that hurts so much... needs so much... I think i have enough friends and have done enough people huge favors, that there will be people to check on me... If they are going to do surgery, i hope they just do it. right now I'm just waiting to find out. IT SUCKS not knowing. After all that I've done in my life for other people, from hospice work to helping pass the Californians for compassionate Use Act of 1996... to helping start the first Heart circles that women were included in in sf... and I'm still alone.... still hurting... and still hurting others... I never meant to hurt others... I'm human... I fuck up too... I just wish i could be like everyone else my age... being active... being normal... I took myself off of some of the drugs that were fucking up my sex drive... the drugs for the shooting pains and the seizures... and he left 2 days later... now i can get it up but havent even masturbated since he left... I've had plenty of opportunities for sex... i just don't want anybody but rj. And I really don't know if i want him... After what he's done to me... said to me... said about me... the way he left me... he'd do it again... and probably will do it again... if I had things to do over... things would have been different. I don't have that option

Why did he call me for help??????

kidderwhat — Thu, 25 Oct 2007 20:07:00 GMT

This morning i tried to go back to sleep, because of the pain in my back and so i wouldn't think of HIM... I woke to a couple of phone calls and one of which was HIM.... when i picked it up i saw the name "LOVE" on the caller ID.... i imediatly thought that things were ok again... Then he told me how he had gotten a piercing and that he was scared and he didn't know what to do... It had gotten infected over night and it was very swollen... he was using me again... he didn't want to talk to me... he just wanted to know what to do.... IT HURTS SO FUCKIN" BAD... i shouldn't have answered the phone but i did and will always... unless i muster up the strength... I almost didn't answer..... I wish i didn't... but i did... I even told him that I will always be there for him if he needs me... IS THAT WRONG??? I kinda feeel like it is him using me... I really don't know how to feel about it... i wanted to tell him right off that he needed to just go to the hospital and leave me alone... but i care so fuckin much.... I care so much that i will let him use me and that's not fair... If i needed him... or when i needed him he wasn't there for me... and he won't be there for me... I have almost stopped crying over him... then he called me... I TOLD HIM HOW DARE YOU CALL ME?!?!.... THEN I TRIED TO HELP I EVEN CALLLED HIM BACK! I wanted to make sure that he was OK. I dont think he is ok or he wouldn't have called me... WHEN will it be over... when can we go to being friends????? I want that so bad.... I thought he wanted me back so I picked up the phone... I wouldn't have... unless i thought he was in trouble... which he was... and i tried to help... I used to be in the nursing field... i knew that the piercers' would have a liability suit if they told him to do anything but go to the hospital... I called him back and told him to call nurse Kathy at the task force... and he said he was on the way to the hospital... i hope it isn't that staph... i wish we could make up... i know that is not going to happen... i just texted him and asked if he was ok... he callled me back... IT HURTS I WANT MY BABY BACK IN MY LIFE... he apologized for calling me....

I can't stop holding on....

kidderwhat — Tue, 23 Oct 2007 23:26:39 GMT

He finally admitted that he didn't think that I knew... he was listening to... others.... I still can't stop holding on to the fact that there were so many GREAT times andt that he still hates me.... I don't know if now is any better.... I was constantly in pain and it would change my mood, sex drive... tolerance for his small mistakes... I would tell him, try to teach or coach him, but my pain would change me.... I treated him badly sometimes. I NEVER laid a finger on him when he hit me. All of my friends would tell me that it wasn't right, BUT I WOULD STILL CUT OFF MY LEFT HAND TO HAVE HIM BACK.... I have had a few roomate offers and cant stand to think of living with anybody but him... he was my love, my life, my best friend my confidant, my equalizer, my helper to help me out of a low chair or sofa...b He would promise everything and gave me nothing. He cheated on me and then left within just a few "FLEETING" moments. He lied about how he felt about me for a place to stay and to keep away from his mother. i finally just took myself off of the drug that was messing with my sex drive, and the testosterone patches have brought it back.. NOW HE"S GONE... someone that could fufill his sex drive and whatever else (he told me when he called me when he was drunk), has taken him away... The painkillers make me miserable sometimes cause of the morning DT's before i take them, but i have less off a short fuse and tolerate peole in general better... The cold though seems to be making my back worse but i go and see an orthopedic surgeon in the next few weeks. It's funny how he left me right then... He always said that he would be there when we were old... take care of me.. LIES... He never told me he was close to leaving me.... I would have done anything to keep him here with me next to me, loving me NOW he hates me cause i may have given hiv to him... it may very well be... I am waiting for a friends results to see if he had it when we had oral sex.. I have bad teeth or a couple of them and bad gums i could have gotten it right before my last negative test.... plus i may have been drugged and raped... i think i wrote about that... but all this was before my last test... so i think you can get it easily through oral... iI think that i gave it to him and that thought makes me cringe.... but i dont wnat to think anything bad about him.. EVERYBODY says just get over him but i cry several times a day... i still love him... i could have a roomate in a second that I know from 5 years ago in asheville. she says she'll take care off me right now and scoot if he comes back or someone else comes along. SHE'S a FRIEND. i want to walk down to the water and throw the ring on my pinky finger in the river. THE ONE I GAVE HIM. Watch it wash away and be done with him. I think I will let Anna move in... not nolan... I used to want to date him but the other day he was doing CR... I can't have people like that in my life...I was going after Nolan before i met rj... Rj is the only one I want but i KNOW that it's gone... THIS is the first time i haven't cried while writing.... I have cried over him too many times today... He e-mailed me and said he believed i didn't know now let him go.... NOW! i tell myself this and i feel no better.... I am sorry that i haven't written back to all of the people that have commmented or wrote me e-mails.... I have kept to myself.. I think I've eaten 8 times in the 2 and a half week since he left..... I think i'll let Anna move in and cook for me she said she would do that... I told her about me laying in bed alot from the DT's because some days I have to take my painkillers early, then I detox early and then i have to wait to feel better... Alot of it has to do with drinking... i have had many drinks a day since he left me. It makes me feel somewhat human, and i'm around "friends".I'ts 6:15 and i have dinner at seven at another friends house... she's making me eat too... she sent me home with some spaghetti and sausage last night... i actually ate it... Maybe annna will be good for me... but i want someone that i can lay with and.... i don't know i want rj...I know that he lied to me about being with me cause he was young, and prone to leaving situations when they get hard... but i thought that he was mature enough to have a serious relationship... one that you had to work through the really hard times... and we started to have those... i thought that he would stick around and work those out... tell me what was wrong, so that we could fix it... he'd rather cheat and lie and leave me... He's young... i hope that he never treats his next ex like hows he's treated me... or the one's after that. I thought we were going to stay together forever thats what he said... he would always ask if i really loved him.. I told him yes of course or you wouldnt be here... But he was only asking himself if he really loved me and my yes was his no...

PAIN SO SEVERE, DEATH IS A WELCOME NOTION....

kidderwhat — Sun, 21 Oct 2007 15:35:06 GMT

RJ wrote to me and questioned/challenged the fact that i just found out that i was exposed to hiv after a mutual oral situation. HE ACTUALLY TOLD ME THAT HE 100%BELIEVES I INFECTED HIM ON PORPOSE! HE EVEN SAID THAT IF HE COULD FIND ANY EVIDENCE THAT HE WOULD PROSECUTE ME! OF ALL OF THE PEOPLE HERE ON TRIBE THAT KNOW ME, AND WHEN I SAY "KNOW" i MEAN IN PERSON, FACE TO FACE, FROM 2 TO FOURTEEN YEARS, NOBODY HAS EVER KNOWN ME TO BE HIV POSITIVE! PEOPLE HAVE KNOWN ME TO BE "SICKLY" FROM MY JOINT CONDITION, OR BACK PROBLEMS, BUT NEVER HAVE I SAID I WAS POSITIVE. As many people here on tribe knows, if i were to have contracted the virus prior to RJ and mine relations, i would have reached out for support just as i have since rj and i found out. RJ claims that he has talked to several faeries that said i was a sleeze bag... yes at times i have used drugs... yes i like cute young guys... NEVER have i been a "PREDATOR" as he is claiming, and i never would have given him a disease if i would have known. IF I WOULD HAVE BEEN POSITIVE, SOMEBODY WOULD HAVE KNOWN! ESPECIALLY ME!!!!!! I have finally started going out again and feeling somewhat normal, but at this point i don't really know what "normal" around my friends.... I am sooo scared that he really believes what he is saying and that he may never talk to me again. It wouldn't be so bad if he would just stop talking about me and accusing me. I cant believe that he doesn't trust me.... He's lied to me many time, and i lied to him four times. Each time it was about whether or not i had done drugs that nite. In fits of rage he has hit me in the face, neck, body etc. I NEVER ONCE LAID A HAND ON THAT BEAUTIFUL BOY. NOBODY HAS EVER HURT ME THE WAY HE HAS AND HE JUST DOESNT UNDERSTAND! i GAVE HIM FREE RENT FOR A YEAR, PAID FOR EVERY THING HE COULDN'T... BOUGHT HIM PRESENTS.... TOOK HIM TO A FABULKOUS BED AND BREAKFAST, SPENT A SMALL FORTUNE ON HIS SISTERS WEDDING, AND.... WHAT HAPPENNED??????????? I USED TO SCHEDULE MY WHOLE LIFE AROUND HIM! WHY WOULD HE THINK THAT I WOULD TRY AND HURT HIM BY GIVING HIM HIV??? WE HAD UNSAFE SEX! I DON'T THINK THAT I WAS THE ONLY ONE THERE! EVERY PERSON THAT I MEET THAT EXPRESSES AN INTEREST IN ME, I IMMEDIATLY TELL THEM THAT I AM POSITIVE. IF I WOULD HAVE BEEN POS WHEN I MET HIM I WOULD HAVE TOLD HIM. I went out on thursday and had a great time with some old friends... It was the first time that i let loose since he cheated on me and left me. It was the March Fourth Marching Band. It was awesome... Right before that i went to a heart circle over at Ellysia the faerie house on Elysian Fields. I told everyone about the breakup and the fact that the Dr's have got me on 80mg of oxycontin a day because of the bulging discs in my back... I told them about the withdrawls and all... I told them about RJ and his rhetoric. it felt good to get it off my chest. On friday night I also went out and heard thge Panoramic jazzz band... that was cool. Then last night i went out and went to "Why did we build such a big ship". That was over at the Sidearm Galllery and was fun. There are a few cute boys that are going and being pretty friendly. The attention makes me feel goood. No matter what Rj says about me i know that i am a good person.... I hope to get myself out of my depression enough this week to make some masks for Halloween....(<sigh>Rj's favorite holiday)... Plus the only thing that has been able to cheer me up lately is getting tattooed... Luckily my neighbor has a shop so i got about 2000 dollars worth of work for trade.... enough for now i guess

my life as I know it is over

kidderwhat — Wed, 10 Oct 2007 08:33:39 GMT

we talked often about the fact that some day i may not be able to walk , or have to with a crutch...He would always say that that was ok because he loved me... then when i had to schedule anappt with a orthosurgen he took his last week of free rent... i hope thats not why but it hurts and now he wont speak to meThe ONE TIME I NEED TO TALK TO THOS I KNOW BEST HE WONT TALK TO ME. I HOPE SOME SHOOTS ME IN A DRIVEBY TOMMORROW OR I GET ROBBED AND DIE . For i could never do it myself

when those fleeting moments cease Part 2

kidderwhat — Mon, 08 Oct 2007 22:20:41 GMT

Well when Rj came home after staying out for the third time in a week, he crawled into bed and didn't even turn towards me to cuddle. I asked him what was wrong and he would not answer me. a question just came to mind and i asked.... 'hAVE YOU BEEN CHEATING ON ME?" i knew the answer then he proceeded to tell me that it was over. 11 months of me paying our rent , making the bulging discs inmy back worse. For us .RJ is not the type of person whom will state that there is a problem, so that we could fix it. He agreed over and over to go to coules councelling , yet never followed through. he told me that he lobed me mor than anything morning noon and night..Then after he cheated he said iy was over, that he was tooo young too settle down and that he has talked to all of his friends ands they say we should break up because he has changed.... of course he has change he has a disease now and is on meds that mess with his judgment. Then he starte to blame me for him being on the meds. So he wouldnt give me an absolute reasn for leaving me ofr if we'll ever get back togethet, but for his convenience and partially because i beged him to he stayed the night i could not stop crying so i left the house

All Seems to go to to shit...

kidderwhat — Mon, 08 Oct 2007 00:21:00 GMT

Well it seems that i had misheard his virals his virals had gone down to 200,000 which is better , but that tends to point out the fact that i may have given him hiv. there was one time that i was OD'd non coke and thought that i had sex with the person that provided it and when it was rj thinking he gave it to me it didn't matter, but now he thinks i gave it to him and that is one of the reasons that he wants to break up. Also the fact that i am imputant from all of the drugs ang i cant afford the drugs that you can take and then have forty eight hours of spontanatity. the only ones that are covered are is viagra which give me a fever and keeps me up ans Rj often time doesnt get out of work till 1 am...so last night he sought out sexual attenttion from someone else. the one person that gives me a will to live and get my problems taken care of ditches me because of my sexual dysfunction. IF I COULD only afford to buy Cialis or Levitra none of this would have happened cialis is almost20 bucks a pill! Thats like paying for sex! I dont know what to do if he leaves me i'm leaving tooo

All seems well for now...

kidderwhat — Sat, 06 Oct 2007 05:09:53 GMT

On Wednesday was the Dr's appointment for Rj to get back his latest numbers, and although his virals stil seem rather high 570,000, his CD4's had jumped up from the 300's to 538... YEAH!!! Yet the story doesnt end ther We are still having some other issues. Some of the pills that I am on are "fucking UP" (for the lack of a better terminology) my sex drive and ability... Believe me I enjoy spur of the moment, but when you have to pop a pill.... thats out the window, plus they keep me awake for a couple of hours,which makes the planning of such a moment even less possible. Were are three weeks away from one year together, and i figured to commemorate such by going to City Hall here in NOLA (which is legally the only place in La. you can do it since 1992) and legally be joined in our domestic partnershipforhe is truly the Man that i love

Things seem to be going well, today is the day....

kidderwhat — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 18:49:51 GMT

Today RJ has his Dr's appoinment to find out whether or not he needs to start on meds immediatly. If so, I reckon that thing have a reallly good chance of getting better from here on out. If his virals haven't dropped significantly, and his cd4's raised then it's almost a definate that he will need to.... I'ts a little scary for me because i remember what those old drugs from the 90's did to people and i watched them die in front off my own eyes... I know that it is not like that anymore but i cant but help to remember. I thought it was hard back then, now when your boyfriend is 19 it is no less than devastating. The most important things are the fact that he makes me happy, and i make him happy. I had my MRI appointment last week and went to the DR' and he said the MRI didnt show much about the hips, but apparrently in the small portion of my lower back that was examined i have two areas where i have bulging discs. they are giving me a recommendation to a surgeon, and we are vnot quite sure whether or not they are going to start cutting right away or maybe they will opt for steroid injections or maybe even p/t. I'm not sure... AT last though a doctor finally sees the proff that i have had these problems for years, and i can barely take it anymore. The only thing that I am not tooo happy about is the fact that he ha prescribed me 80mg of oxy-con a day split between two doses, and up to 5 vicodin 7.5 a day for breakthrough pain. Amazingly enough I am pretty closely resembling my old self... I can get out of most days, i have even been able to go back to doing some powertools and doing some carpentry. Marco, my landlord seems happy bout that as do I. The only problem is that i didnt want to go on that hard-core of a pain regimine, although it seems that is what i need. I dont like the "JUNKIE" feelings i get when i can't find my bottle, or having to call the doctor right when i am almost about to run out.... It feels like im serching for the man on the corner... I just dont like it... the upside is... I am no in the type of pain i was in. Then there are the drugs that they use to counteract the effects of the narcotics, which are not pleasant if you dont fully interpret your stomachs state of being properly. I am also on Lithium that has been wonderful... I dont feel so bad all the time, and i no longer sucumb to crying fits. The bad side effect of that is the fact that you get cotton mouth...horrriblly dry mouth, but its easily curabl by a quick smooch from my love RJ. My last blood work-up showed that i had really low testosterone levels so they gave me a T-patch (Androderm). THey have me on prvacid to conteract the heartburn/acid reflux. Topomax has been prescribed for migranes and my waking dreams/ seisures i was having since the mountain 5 years ago and they are finally gone. The clonzapam are for anxiety and a better nights sleep, which i take 2-4 times a day. THey also prescribed me Mirtazapine which is like a sedative tranquilizer and i have finlly been able to get a good nights sleep. Since I have been losing weight, they prescribed me ensure twice a day, but since rj has gone from 115# and is now 105#s i've been letting him drink most of them since we cant afford to buy them. Lately I have been using marijuana for my appetite and i told my doctor that and he didnt seem phased by it, nor did he prescribe me marinol... Soooo I asked him for it specifically for it and he obliged... I just started that this morning so i dont yet know how well it works. Unfortunatly the meds that RJ is on keep seeming to do the opposite thing that they are supposed to do.... his sleep meds make him crazy his ssri's mess him up and for a while there he was stealing my drugs without me noticeing. Thats ok though i think i caught it in time... I just didnt realize how bad he was feelling....well his main Dr's appointment is in a few hours and i have work to do

DONT KNOW HOW MUCH MORE OF THIS I CAN TAKE

kidderwhat — Fri, 17 Aug 2007 15:41:15 GMT

Afew moments after jombi shot me a very harsh e-mail about all the people in my life that i've pissed on and that i have legions of people who dislike me, MY boyfriend came back from the doctor... it seems that he has some growths and there is a high possibility of cancer.... he is in preop right now...

Staying optimistic over "positive news" and high virals

kidderwhat — Thu, 02 Aug 2007 22:26:54 GMT

After much research over the past few days i feel much better about the fact that my lovers cd4's are still so high, though his virals were high as and his parents decide on their own to make themselves an appointment with the no aidstaskforce her in town... I do thank everyone for their comment... It has been hard on me, negate the fact that i have been dealing with friends and lovers and even my own mother going through hiv and aids for the last 17 years, (well my mom ten). i welcome further suggestions, support, work ideas etc or just direct e-mails and phone numbers... all of the people that migh be reading my blog i know personally, some of the quite intimately. so feel free to contact me and since i know you all personally face to face i have no problem putting my cell number out ther for people to reach me... brian kidder 504 453 7556

high hopes, high on love, high anxiety, then i joined the club

kidderwhat — Wed, 01 Aug 2007 17:08:09 GMT

I have written to some people for advice to some for support and just to some to vent.... well now i am just putting it out to the perverbial there for now. My 19yo lover and i wer diagnosed for hiv a couple of weeks ago, and i started on a few drugs to treat me for symptoms of my other health proplems that i have been "plagued" with for some years. My lover hadn't been tested for two years prior to our monogomous relations and i had only had a test that would only show results from 7 months from before we got together. We both tested positve at the same time, 8 months after we got together. We have already told his parent, and it seems that they feel alright wanting to blame me for the fact that their baby got it from me. On monday we got our bloodwork back and my t-cells are 566 with a viral load of 57,000. His numbers were 366 with a viral of 570,000.... That in and of itself still doesnt tell us anything definitive, nor do think it matters (or so i say it doesnt matter). What I meant was that I prayed that I didnt give it to him for I would barely be able to live with the fact if in any way i hurt my baby, and then when our numbers came back it scared me.... because at first it seemed that he may have infected me, then there is the fact that maybe i infected him and his body is just freaking out and hasn't "levelled" off yet... the nurse also said that that 'MIGHT" be the case. His parents are holding onto it though... much like a safety blanket.... With numbers well over 100,000 he will most likely be reccomended a second blood work-up, or straight to meds... I know that now is not the time to try to find out who may have infected whom, i just would rather at this point in my life not blame or be blamed... anyway i am in new orleans... have 3 appointments today... have been out of work for two weeks... cant work like i used to and need part time work in new orleans... my back is bad... my hands are getting worse from the supposed musculer dystrophy and am having to wait on ssi... if ANYONE knows ANYONE who needs just a little part time help ven just every once in a while... letme know... post a comment and i will give my cell

Who will remember?

kidderwhat — Wed, 07 Mar 2007 19:36:54 GMT

That question was answered as well as the question of whether or not people even read these damn things. Thanks for the comments and the support from my friends who know me and my mother. I have finally convinced my mother to go to doctor to at least find out what her CD4's(t-cells) are are at. she promised she would go on monday, then monday she told me she would go tues. When yesterday came around she said she overslept and today is supposed to be the day... At least if she gets her numbers she might be able to then think the entire situation through a little more soundly. Last night while driving back to my boyfriends mothers house I called my mother and my boyfriend had to laugh about her stubbornness, for the fact that it mirrors my own. I have to admit that my mother and I are both alot alike each other. RJ, (my lover) has been pretty much living with me in new orleans for about four months, and often times seems to not have much patience with his parents, (particularly his mothers') quarks. It pains me to watch this, for the fact that I would love to be able to pick up and leave to go and visit my mother, who is 10 times as boisterous and cantankerous as his. In september His parents are supposed to be moving to Houston to be closer to his fathers main office. He cant wait for that day to come! To him that means an added element of freedom that he has yet to experience, but as he will soon find out, tight rope walking is much more fun with a safety net. Maybe he will come to the realization that his parents are the two most important people in his life, not the two that hinder him from doing what it is that he wants. What I would give to have my mother nagging me in that maternal way that his mother did. I unfortunately missed out on alot of that parental guidance, by proclaiming to the world that I knew everything, and moving out of my mothers house at almost 15 years old. I was not the best child to raise, and I was by far not the worst, but I missed some of the best years of my life, that can never be replaced. RJ, being 18 years old, will learn appreciation, through the freedom that he seeks.

when those fleeting moments cease...

kidderwhat — Sun, 04 Mar 2007 20:36:10 GMT

I always thought that blogs were kind of stupid.... untill i started to think about the fact that life is full of fleeting moments, and what happens when those fleeting moments cease. Who will remember? Who will even care??? Many realisations come through those moments, sometimes to those of us that are experiencing it first hand and sometimes those lessons come to those of us that experience life second hand, (i;e: blogging story telling slash backslash bitching etc.). Sooo, what prompted me to startone of these blog things, is that i found out that my mothefr, whom has been living with full blown aids for a few years now is now down to 99 or 100 pounds... Now my mother has always been a little lady, always weighing somewhere between 120 and 140 pounds, but the drastic reduction in her weight recently is indicitive of a greatly saddening prospect. Many people here on tribe, at least within two degrees of my list, have actually met my mother, either in sanfrancisco 12 years ago, or at short mountain sanctuary just three years ago... Unfortunately SMS is where her decline started just a few years ago. My mother already had Hiv at the point that I decided to fly her out from Mt. Shasta california, out to the mountain for the beltanbe gathering in the spring, but it was at sms that she aquired (allegedly) a few blood infections and pneumonia due to the lackadaisical stance that they have taken on sanitation issues over the past few years. I Hope that those issues that they had at the mountain over bleach use being bad for the environment and the lack of sanitation coordination has been rectified over the past few years that I have not been a resident there. For right now my intentions are to try to make enough money so that I can go out to california but first clear up some legal issues there so that it will be safe for me to enter and leave the state of california.. Feel free to contact me with any words of advice moral support or other, that is just a side note in the case that someone actually does read these damn things... I'm gonna go home and cry now...