I WENT TO THIS QUAINT, ADORABLE LITTLE CLUB CALLED LARGO TONIGHT ON FAIRFAX TO SEE A COMEDY SHOW.
I HAD HAPPENED UPON THE LISTING STONED READING THE LA WEEKLY AT COFFEE BEAN. LOOKING FOR SMALL VENUES TO SEE GOOD BANDS PLAY SECRETISH SHOWS.. I STUMBLED UPON LARGO. AND IN TEENY TINY WRITING FOR MONDAY NIGHT IT SAID.. SARAH SILVERMAN AND FRIENDS.
WHAT!!!?!!
I HAD TRIED TO SEE SARAH PERFORM IN SF BEFORE I HAD MOVED, AND COULDN'T GET TIX. I OF COURSE, DID MY FOXY TRICK (DONT STEAL IT BITCHES) OF GOING TO CRAIGS LIST TO FIND SOME POOR SAP WHO BOUGHT TOO MANY TICKETS, JUST GOT DUMPED OR DUMPED THEIR HOMELY DATE AND RELIEVE THEM OF THEIR WASTED PURCHASE. BUT TO MY SURPRISE THE DOUCHE BAGS ON CRAIGS LIST WERE SELLING SARAH TIX FOR OVER TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS A POP!! THOUGH SHE IS WORTH MORE.. FOR TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS, SARAH HAD BETTER BE PERFORMING IN MY LIVING ROOM! NOT THAT I HAD OR WOULD HAVE TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS ANY TIME SOON. SADDENED. NO. TRAUMATIZED BY THIS UNFAIR FINANCIAL, RICH SF MALARKY. I MISSED THE SHOW.
BUT THIS WAS MY SECOND CHANCE!
BACK HOME IN LA.SARAH AT HOME IN LA.
IN TEENSY TINY WRITING.
THIS WAS MY CHANCE.
I WALK ABOUT FOUR BAZILLION BLOCKS DOWN FAIRFAX TO THE CLUB. HOLDING THE RIPPED OUT SECTION OF THE LA WEEKLY TIGHT AND SWEATILY IN MY FIST, UNFOLDING AND CHECKING THE ADDRESS OVER AND OVER, IN CASE IT'D CHANGE TO A STREET NUMBER WITH FAR MORE ZERO'S THAN IT HAD BEFORE. FINALLY. AFTER TREKKING ALL THROUGHOUT LITTLE JEW TOWN. CANTER'S, THE KOSHER MARKETS, HASIDIC PASSERSBY STARING AT THE PUNK BOY WET WITH LA SWEAT, (WHICH IS DIFFERENT FROM SF SWEAT. BUT I'LL BLOG ABOUT THAT LATER.) I REACH THE VENUE.
IT IS FRIDAY.. I WILL PURCHASE TICKETS AND GIDDILY SPEND MY WEEKEND ANTICIPATING THE SHOW. MY SHOW.
THE DOOR IS LOCKED.
THERE IS NO SIGN OF LIFE INSIDE THROUGHT THE SPULUNKING DARKNESS I CAN MAKE OUT THROUGH THE STICKER AND GUM ENCRUSTED WINDOW.
NO SIGNAGE.
NO HOURS OF OPERATION.
NO TICKET BOOTH AT ALL.
I UNWAD THE PAPER CLIPPING AGAIN.
THERE IS A NUMBER.
I CALL THE NUMBER.
I SHOULD HAVE DONE THIS HOURS I GO I THINK AS THE PHONE RINGS AND RINGS..
IT ANSWERS.
IT IS A PRERECORDED MESSAGE THAT IS SLOW AND DESCRIPTIVE.
THEN THE VOICE GETS TO MONDAY, AND ITS LIKE THE MICRO MACHINES VOICE FROM THOSE SATURDAY MORNING CARTOONS.
I REPLAY THIS RECORDING FIVE TIMES.
I HAVE NO ANSWERS.
STILL IN FRONT OF THE CLUB.
???
I TAKE A BUS, DEJECTED, BACK TO HOLLYWOOD.
ONCE ONLINE, THINGS ARE CLEARER, SORT OF.
THE WAY THE LARGO WORKS IS THIS.
THERE ARE NO TIX.
YOU CAN MAKE RESERVATIONS FOR A TABLE FOR DINNER.
THEN THERE IS SOME STANDING ROOM SITTING AND A BAR.
THE COVER VARIES BETWEEN 5-20 BUCKS.
MUCH BETTER THAN TWO HUNDRED!
AND THERE WAS SOMETHING OF A DRINK MINIMUM.. BUT I DIDNT FULLY UNDERSTAND THAT EITHER..
ALL WEEKEND I STRESSED.
WHAT IF I DIDNT GET IN?
HOW EARLY WOULD I HAVE TO SHOW UP?
WHAT IF I COULDNT AFFORD IT?
HOW MANY PEOPLE COULD STAND?
HOW MANY DRINKS DO I HAVE TO BUY?
ARGH.
FINALLY TODAY CAME ALONG.
I FORCED MYSELF TO NOT BE OVERLY .. WELL.. ME, ABOUT THE DAY AND BARELY THOUGHT ABOUT THE SHOW AT ALL.
THEN, SUDDENLY, IT WAS A LITTLE OVER TWO HOURS TILL THE DOORS OPENED.
I HOPPED INTO SOME CUTE CLOTHES, BUMMY FOR ME. BUT I DIDNT WANNA GET ALL "DID UP", AND NOT GET IN.
I'D HAVE A FAIRFAXIAN BREAKDOWN, AND THE OLDER JEWS WOULD FEEL THEY HAD TO CLEANSE ME, OR I'D SCARE SMALL CHILDREN.
TO MAKE A SLIGHTLY OVERDRAWN STORY SHORT.
WHEN I GOT THERE, THERE WERE ONLY 3 PEOPLE IN LINE! (YES!)
THE SWEET SWEET DOOR GUY/ DO EVERYTHING GUY POPPED OUT A BIT AND TOLD US THE FIRST TEN PEOPLE GOT TO SIT AT THE BAR. (SCORE!)
AND IF YOU KNOW ME, HELL, IF YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME, YOU KNOW FOXY LOVES HIMSELF A BAR. (GIN!)
AND THE COVER WOULD BE 5 DOLLARS! (FIEEERCE)
AS MORE PEOPLE BAGAN TO FILL THE LINE, I WAS POINTED OUT AS THE GEEK WHO WAS MOST EXCITED, I HAD A MULTITUDE OF SHARPIES, ON A RING, ON MY FRIGGIN BELT LOOP, A MAGAZINE TO READ, SARAH'S MOVIE, JESUS IS MAGIC, AND THE SOUNDTRACK, CUZ AS SOME OF YOU HAVE SEEN, I'VE DONE HER SHIT IN DRAG TOO, (I'M THAT GAY.) AND A CARLS JR WESTERN BACON SIX DOLLAR BURGER, THE BEST DAMN THING TO PUT IN YOUR BODY BESIDES A PORN STARS PENIS.
I WAS SO EXCITED I COULDN'T FINISH THE FUCKING BURGER.
SO LET IT BE SAID MY GOOD FORTUNE FOR THE EVENING, I BELIEVE, IS THANKS TO THE FACT THAT I GAVE THE REST TO A FAT HOMELESS WOMAN WITH FIERCE PINK LUGGAGE.
WHY THE FAT HOMELESS WOMAN?
TWO REASONS..
ONE. SHE MUST BE A HARD WORKER IF SHE CAN STILL GET FAT WHILE LIVING ON THE STREETS... OR AT LEAST HAVE A DAMN GOOD PERSONALITY.
AND TWO. ODDS ARE SHE ISNT A CRACK HEAD. TOO FAT. AND FAT PEOPLE LIKE CARLS JR ALMOST AS MUCH AS I DO. AND I DON'T LIKE CRACK HEADS.
THEY LET US INSIDE.
I SIT AT THE BARSTOOL WITH THE BEST STAGE VIEW.
THEY WERE ALL ABOUT THE SAME BUT I TOLD MYSELF IT WAS THE BEST.
I GOT ME SOME GIN FROM THE BARTENDRESS WHO REMINDED ME OF CHARLIZE THERON IN A SAILOR SHIRT.
AND ABOUT AN HOUR AFTER I SAT CRADLING THE BOMBAY WATER TREAT, THE SHOW STARTED.. ALL THE COMEDIANS WERE FANTASTIC.. SOME FROM HER SHOW ON COMEDY CENTRAL, SOME NOT. MY FAVORITE WAS ANOTHER WOMAN BY THE NAME OF TIG. I FORGET HER LAST NAME. BUT SHE WAS H.I.L.A.R.I.O.U.S! SHE PLAYED THE DYKEY DYKE SARAH TRIED TO DATE ON THE SSPROGRAM. FUNNY FUNNY.
FINALLY SARAH CAME ON.
I'M NOT EVEN GONNA TRY AND QUOTE HER BEST JOKES.
SUFFICE IT TO SAY, THEY INVOLVED FUCKING CHEESE LIKE A MAN, AND A CERTAIN INEDIBLE SANDWICH, AND BATHING AS A CHILD WITH HER MOTHER IN THE SHOWER, AND USING HER MOMS BUSH AS HER FAUCET.
I LOVE THIS WOMAN.
SHE WAS SECOND TO LAST, SHE INTRODUCED THE LAST COMIC AND WAS GONE.
I TRIED TO PAY ATTENTION TO THE LAST COMIC, BUT WAS DISTRACTED, LOOKING FOR SIGNS OF HER.
EWWW...
I SOUND LIKE A STALKER SAYING THAT.
SARAH, IM NOT A STALKER.
OK.
THEN LIKE MAGIC. LIKE JESUS TOUCHED ONE FAG THIS YEAR ON THE ASS WITH A UNICORN FAERIE DUST FEATHER AND SAID HERE YOU GO GAY, GO!
AND THAT GAY WAS ME.
SHE WALKED BY ME ALONG THE BAR.
I WHISPERED HI.
SHE DID THE SAME.
THIS HAPPENED LIKE TWO MORE TIMES.
THE POOR COMIC IS STILL DOING HIS SET.
SHE WALKS BY AGAIN, APPEARING TO BE CARRYING A PURSE AND SUCH.
I POKE HER.
"I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU"
SARAH LEANS IN.
"HOLD OUT YOUR HAND."
I RUMMAGE IN MY CIGARETTE CASE, AND PULL OUT SOMETHING THAT IS NOT A CIGARETTE BUT IS LOVELY. AND SHOULD BE LEGAL.
AND GIVE IT TO HER.
IT IS WELL KNOWN THAT SHE SMOKES AFTER A PERFORMANCE, AND I WANTED TO MAKE SURE SHE SMOKED SOMETHING NICE.
SHE SMILES BRIGHTLY.
AND MOTIONS TO ME.
WE EXIT.
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT IS LIKE THE END OF A DISNEY MOVIE.
WE ALL KNOW.
I GOT MY STUFF SIGNED, WE TALKED, WE BONDED, THERE WAS SMOKING, A PICTURE.. AND MY SKIP HOME WAS QUICK AND EASY BREEZY.
I AM STILL SMILING SO HARD MY CHEEKS HURT.
THANK YOU MISS SILVERMAN.
YOU MADE ONE PERSON THE HAPPIEST HE CAN BE.
I HOPE YOU ARE SMILING TOO!
AND DONT WORRY YOU WILL ROCK THE MTV MOVIE AWARDS! NO FEAR!
XOXOFOXY
PS... REMEMBER KIDS... IF GOD GIVES YOU AIDS, AND GOD DOES GIVE YOU AIDS.
MAKE LEMONAIDS!
JUST KIDDING GOD, GOOD LOOKIN OUT!

SISSY CLUB
DECO LOUNGE
510 LARKIN AT TURK.
FREE! FREE! FREE!

DOORS/ MUSIC PROMPTLY AT 10P

10-11... FOXY COTTON and JENNY FAKE
11-12... WALTER CRASSHOLE
12-1a... RAY McCROREY
1-2am.. DEE JAY PEE PLAY
2-3am.. SCOTTISH ANDY

PERFOMANCES SPRINKLED THROUGHOUT !!
COME SAY BYE BYE TO FOXY COTTON and THE SISSY CLUB

PUNK ROCK and BIG GAY LOVIN!
UNITE the SCENES ONE MORE TIME!!
XOXO

FOR THE PAST YEAR, EVERY FIRST FRIDAY OF THE MONTH....THE SISSY CLUB HAS BEEN A PLACE WHERE YOU CAN DRINK, DANCE, SEE A SHOW, AND MAKEOUT WITH THE HOTTEST GUYS N GRRLS SF HAS ON THE MENU WITHOUT JUDGEMENT..............................
ALL THIS IS ABOUT TO END!! Foxy Cotton AND the SISSY CLUB are MOVING to LOS ANGELES!!
BUT before we go, we'd like to invite you to our ANNIVERSARY/ DEATH TO THE SISSY CLUB/ FOXY GOING AWAY PARTY!!!!
ADMISSION WILL BE FREE!!
However a donation box will be onhand should you feel inclined to aid the move in exchange for sexual favors....!!
WE will be presenting the BEST and BRIGHTEST star PERFORMERS and DJs from throughout our last year... if you are interested in performing/ playing PLEASE lemme know on my page www.myspace.com/foxycotton

PAST GUEST STARS have included... PRINCESS KENNEDY, MAMA CRASS, DEE JAY PEE PLAY, BRONTEZ, JENNY FAKE, LISA BANG, MISS TRIXXIE CARR, BOYFRIEND ROBOTIQUE, DJ EARWORM, RAY MCCROREY, THE INDRA, ADRIAN AND THE MYSTERIOUS D, JEF LEOPARD, BIG RED, III, NEW MADISON, DON BAIRD, SUPPOSITORI SPELLING, GLAMAMORE, HOKU MAMA SWAMP, NUCLEAR FAMILY, RENTECCA, JUPITER, COCKATELIA, RAYA LIGHT, KATYA SCHMIRNOFF SKYY, JANK TROLLY, DJ PARTY BEN, TRAUMA FLINTSTONE, HOLY McGRAIL, MARINA BITCH, METAL PATRICIA, SYPHILLIS DILLER, LADYLUXE, NOISY PIG,MR GAY SAN FRANCISCO, THE SKIN FLICK, VEDA DEVOE, MR. ANTHONY. MONISTAT, EVEN STEVEN, TWO DUECES, DOWNEY, DJ WOMAN, AN INFINATE NUMBER OF PORN STARS AND NUNS AND MORE!!!

I'll be back up to San Francisco on April 5th-7th to say goodbye to all the lovely folks up there, do one last SISSY CLUB, and get my big furniture and such.
Please take a lil time out to say byebye to me, and i'll make your shorts happy!
xoxo
Krys Fox