Are You Sure You Want To Read This?

Beyond Known Human Necessity

Troy — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 07:28:20 GMT

. . . Many times I must remember to cherish what I have. It is so easy to see what I desire, and see it around me, but not a part of me. So many times I can I see my desires in a day. The attributes of my yearning before me at every moment. Yet, I really do have so much. So many frequencies of energies to be so very thankful for. My friends, my work, the vessels that bring that all together (phones, Internet, car)... along with the necessities of life .. food, clothing, and shelter. All provided for me, even when I believe that there is no resource to tap. Even when I desire beyond "known human necessity" and rely upon that which is unfashionable for survival. The substances that assist me in sanity and cohesiveness. Those, which others may not consider to be requirements; but are so much to me; are even provided by wherever you choose to call "that which understands the reality that we do not and makes good things happen anyway". It is only through the vulnerability of gratitude (giving) and forgiveness (opening to receive) that we can attain a higher understanding of what it means to relate to one another. And I am thankful for that. Thank You All.

Finally! The Beginning!

Troy — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 07:57:46 GMT

It is difficult to believe that my last post was in September. It feel like it was much longer ago. So much has happened inside that describing it accurately is a challenge. I finally found my dream, my goal. Throughout my life I've heard the question, "If money were no object, what would you do?" It's a question to help you find your dream; your true desire. I've never been able to answer it honestly. Sure I could think up answers like, "Play CounterStrike all day?", but I knew that wasn't real, and could never think of what I would do with my life if I had enough money to do whatever I wanted. Well, now I have an answer. Ever since this realization occurred my life has changed. Pieces are falling into place. As if... by magic! (that was slight irony, if you couldn't tell). The more I move my energy toward my dream and turn it into a plan, the more good things develop. This is similar to when I was "Daddy". I found myself prioritizing my life. Thinking of new ways to bring in income, buy a house, and tighten up the slack so that I am always working toward the goal-in-mind. Well, this goal is no longer just in my mind. It is becoming...err...has become a reality. It's exciting, scary, wild, and full of inner peace. I know how to answer the question now. The response after answering the question is always, "Well, do it anyway!" I started doing it before I remembered the response to the question. It feels like I am in school again. Well, I am studying and taking tests for various certifications; so I am. It's TroyU! We don't have the best football team, but man, can we play! Sounds like a good T-shirt, but only you would get it ;) One of the gifts I have received is a new living location. It's quite remote, and I'll miss living in town and being able to walk three blocks out my door and run into someone I know. Or being able to go downtown at night, walk home to get plenty of rest, and go to work the next morning. On the other hand, living in such isolation, and without cell phone service, is a good way for me to focus on completing my goal.

Lost! The home game!

Troy — Wed, 19 Sep 2007 02:19:22 GMT

I feel so lost, I don't even really know what to write. I don't see any direction, purpose, or much significance in my life. The only thing that comes close is knowing that I have friends and they occasionally need me. When I can help them, for a few moments I have that, "I *do* have purpose" feeling. It passes so quickly, even though I can always remember it. I feel like I was going down the path of life, found a fork in the road (or didn't notice it), and now I'm at a dead end saying to myself, "I must have made a wrong turn somewhere." Maybe it was that left turn at Albuquerque. I'm still standing at the end of that trail, not sure what to do from here. I can't go back (darned linear time!), and I can't find my machete to start trail blazing. Even if I did bring it, my map is gone, or wildly inaccurate. Compass? Oh yea, I have one of those, but what good is it going to do without everything else. So great, I know where North is. I had dreams for my future. Now I don't. Or if one attempts to start, it's quickly shot down. Passion for something would give me direction, but if there is any left in me, I can't find it. I really find me telling myself that I don't want anything anymore. Maybe I've found the zenith in laziness. I think it's mostly that I don't like how my current situation feels, and I want it to stop, so I feel like shutting down and not dealing with anything anymore. I do have gratitude for what I currently have: a good job, decent home, good friends, and myself. However, it feels like I should be doing something else. Kind of like when you go shopping without a written list, and you're at the checkout going, "I *know* I'm forgetting something". Then you realize that it's not something on your list, but you are missing your un-refundable flight to New Zealand. Except it's not groceries and a plane ride, it's life. I feel like the clock is ticking and someone didn't tell me what event I'm participating in. Should I be doing hurdles? Discus? An obstacle course? An IQ exam? I mean, I *am* here for a reason aren't I? I'd like to be putting energy into that reason, and don't have a clue. Arg! Frustrating and depressing. I guess my current dream is to have one. btw, the pic for this is called "5,000 year embrace". This couple was found this year after hugging for about 5,000 years. Thanks to science, we dug them up to relieve them of the "pins and needles" they must have been experiencing. I would have rather left them there, with a monument either over them, or displaying them in their original resting place. I think it's a great display of passion.

Light Happens

Troy — Thu, 01 Feb 2007 03:54:26 GMT

Recently, I noticed that a friend was in pain. Well, significantly more than usual. He's had an active life in the military, long before his retirement, and is on and off of pain medication for multiple conditions. I had performed work for him before with significant results, and we had planned a more formal, comprehensive session, but it never materialized. So, he's looking pretty bad and I ask him if I can help. I was somewhat hesitant, because it's been a long time since anyone's accepted my offers after seeing their discomfort. He accepted the offer. I put him at ease by letting him know that I would preform the work later, so not as to disturb the public setting. That night I found myself relaxed, alone, and under the stars. Seeing the perfect opportunity I started my work. It was so nice being able to assist someone like that again. It is also healthy for me in many ways. It's rare for me to know details of the results. Usually I know that the area I am working on will be "better", but not much more than that. I see my friend the next day, and he's looking good. Right away, he came up to me and gave me accolades since he did not need any pain medication all day. He had quite the boost of "life energy". Looked like he wanted to go skydiving. It was so nice to see the after-effect, it's always a surprise to me. I thank everything in existence for giving me the opportunity to perform my work again. I feel like I have significant purpose when those moments occur, I look forward to more.

Better to have lost and loved, than to never have lost at all

Troy — Fri, 19 Jan 2007 03:57:40 GMT

There was a time in my life when I had promised myself to never fall in love again. I still had relationships, but made it clear up-front that I wouldn't fall in love. Some have asked how I was able to control whether I was In-Love or not. That was easy. If I ever felt the emotions, I would run the other direction screaming. The idea terrified me since I had been In-Love twice before, both ending in disaster. After about eight years of this I came to realization that by not being open to Love that I had limited my growth. I opened up to the idea again, and started experiencing life again. I no longer felt that everything was so bland. I saw a happy future for myself instead of a mundane one. I saw my friend and the incredible relationship that he had with his girlfriend. Everyone could tell that they were destined to be happy together for a long time. I thought to myself, "I could have that. It's now a possibility for me." Then, years later, it happened. I fell In-Love again. Third time's the charm, right? We were such a perfect match in so many ways. I could see our future together, happy. The volume of love that we had for each other was so immense that we both would talk about how we can only feel a small portion of what's there, and that felt huge. Knowing that there was so much "in reserve" was reassuring that as time moved on we would only feel more love for each other. Well so much for that. Since her, I did find someone. It seemed like there was a lot of potential for us, but she went back to her ex before we could find out. Now I find myself in a situation where I know I still need to be open to falling In-Love, but I don't trust it anymore. Like the idea of living with someone that I love for a significant portion of my life is highly improbable. So how many times must I find a gem, hold it in my hand, only to watch it dissolve in the rain? I'm not afraid to have that feeling, but I know if I do feel it again my next thought is going to be, "It won't work". I guess I've learned that love can't conquer all, and that sucks. In the past I was a very sexual person, but that doesn't even inspire me much anymore. I'm still just as horny, but don't feel like anything wonderful will result from it. In the same way, my heart still desires love, but my mind sees it as pointless. Maybe someday this will all seem like an illusion rather than reality. I'll look back at today and see that I was under a spell from which I have since been cured. I can only hope.

Did I miss something?

Troy — Fri, 12 Jan 2007 05:08:28 GMT

So I haven't looked at Tribe in years. I'm looking at my profile an am way more impressed with the person that wrote the profile than the one reading it. I was really on a good path. I could feel myself growing, and pieces were falling into place like walking stones leading the trail to my destiny. Then, I threw myself away. I did have the opportunity of experiencing a joy that I never knew existed, but at the expense of my every passion and creativity. I started to develop a new passion for the family that I was a part of, but am now no longer. The kids weren't mine, but that didn't matter to me. I felt their love and admiration for the caring a teaching that I offered. I am reminded of them every single day. Ever since that started, ever since it ended, I look back at where I was before dedicating myself as a "Daddy", and what I gave up, and shake my head as I wonder why it feels like I'm moving backward. As if I had found my trail to the top of the peak, gave up the journey, and now that I've started walking again I'm headed away - or around. Heck, *I* certainly don't know where I'm going. I feel like I'm where characters are in a story between the last sceen and the next one that starts with "## years later". The stones aren't appearing anymore, the author has stopped writing. And when I ask myself what to write, I haven't a clue. It's like the reality version of writers block I guess. "Reality Block" - the home game! At the same time, I'm not sure I want anything to happen. I'm having a difficult time with nothing happening as it is. If something were to start, I would have to take care of it too, and loose it too.