Tribe Blog

Yet another big gap

Egomzez — Wed, 26 Sep 2007 15:51:13 GMT

I checked in this past march and then went back to my life. Now I come to tribe when my life is blah, looking for something to make the blahness less blah. But I search and find only more blah. Everyone brings their blah here and the only ones half way of interest are half clothed or baring their business. Funny how that isn't blah. I have been too long in relationships that suck the soul. I think it would be far better to have a realationship that gave some rather than took. Which, I hear it all the time, "Man you are a real nice guy." Yeah, that is really great to hear, but the behavior that comes with people saying that is not parallel to the sentiment. Seems no one likes hanging out with nice guys. I know I'd be a smashing hit in the bear community, but I don't like pigeon holes. I can barely get my belly into one. Blah Blah Blah My partner of 3 years, who his sero negative, is making his own life drama and thankfully he and I decided being friends and sometimes lovers was the best thing to do. Stupid HIV, always getting in the way. I knew I swore off sero negatives for a reason. So now I am left with the life I left off with 7 years ago. Asking the same question. Do I become a mega slut? Is it worth it? Can't I just find some cool people? Sigh. Guess I'd have to get out of the house once in a awhle. Ooo lets go to the bars and find some real winners. My evil naughty side says. Yeah, lets go get a mouth full of syphillis and lungs full of second hand smoke, my pessimist side says. Crap all the sides. Maybe I just need to sit and be one with my anus for awhile. There has to be some way to not be the nice guy, but a real swell person just the same. Who knows

Searching

Egomzez — Fri, 23 Mar 2007 01:36:19 GMT

I guess I will put more effort into Tribe. I like that I was able to connect all my blogs. I have been looking for tribes to join, but not much that I connect to. Those I do find either are so large it is hard to feel a part of or its small with just a few people who know each other. I made a tribe that fits the later, but I would really like something more. I found some local guys and contacted them here. I hope to make some new friends. Be real nice to find some other people in to writing sci fi. Contact me if that is you.

Wow it has been a long time

Egomzez — Sun, 18 Mar 2007 14:57:20 GMT

I have neglected my Tribe account for about 2 years. That is pretty impressive that tribe is still keeping my account running. Well I guess that is a good thing. In the last few years I have made some huge leaps forward in growth and life. I find myself working full time ( a real first), no longer on the government tit ( no more disability), and I am working toward finally getting my educational poop in a group. I am also writing short stories ( the beginning of a novel ) and got a new xbox 360. This week I bought my mom am new computer and I bought a cool projector so I can watch movies on a big screen. Oh and play xbox. Wahoo! Check out my personal site if you are looking for personal web hosting: http://egomzez.com or my personal writing blog http://egomzez.com/aworldasleep/

Remembering Dreams

Egomzez — Sat, 15 Oct 2005 19:41:05 GMT

Strange Dreams This last week I developed a bacterial infection in my bronchi URI. Yuck! For as drastic as it sounds it is really not much more than a cold, but pretty miserable regardless. The last few days I have had intense early morning dreams. The day before last I dreamed that I was part of a large group of people who were going to be executed. That was the sense I had as a feeling arose in me of fear of dying and wanting to find anyway I could to avoid it, then I had a moment of resignation that death will come and I shouldn’t struggle. I abode with my fear in the dream and it was not comforting. Yesterday I dreamed I was in a large wooden structure, like a ghost town store. There was Irish music playing blithely. I started dancing and stomping my feet in rhythm It was an exalted feeling. When I finally stopped dancing a female comes up to me and expresses her delight by saying “We never know what to expect form you” This morning I kept dreaming of my father’s mother who died back in 1995. She died Halloween that year. I rarely saw her after I was 7 and her life was not something I was ever really a part of before that. Even when we lived close she was inaccessible because of her dinking, though I did spend time with her back when I was younger than 7. We would watch TV together while she drank Olympia beer, smoked cigarettes and crocheted blankets and such. We would watch things like Dark Shadows, Little House on the Prairie, Grand Old Oprey, Hee-Haw, Disney, Lorn Green’s Wild Life Show. We watched a lot of TV. I dreamed of Marge, or grams as she asked me to call her, and find myself crying. It wakes me up. I feel so tender with her in my dreams. It was strange this morning because I had what seemed like three different dreams. One where she was in a bar, which back in Montana in the 70s it was okay to take your toddler to a bar and sit them in a corner while you drank. In the dream I saw her children, my dad’s siblings. They all sat up to the bar and I kept asking for a cigarette. Finally the eldest living son handed me a cigarette that looked broke in half and jammed back together. One can’t really smoke a cigarette when it has a giant gash in it. Too much air gets sucked in, but I tried a few puffs anyway. Note I quit smoking back in 2001 so it was a weird experience to smoke. My feeling in the dream was that my aunts and uncles didn’t have anything else to offer. I felt like I couldn’t connect with any of them. Then I saw my grandmother at the bar. I began to weep. The next dream I found myself in a large house and I saw my father. He stood in a room connecting to the one I was standing in and the separator doors were completely open making one seemingly large room. A table was between us. I was a child. I groped my crotch like an infant does when he is not sure what the sensation of a full bladder is. My father came to help me go to the bathroom. Then my grandmother was taking me to lay down on the couch for a nap. She asked me if I wanted to and I began to weep. The last dream I am in the same house but no one else is home. I looked out a window and the house was on a corner and I could see my mom’s sister and my dad’s sister walking up the street to get into a car. I could see the street sign and it said Harrison. There is a giant skillet/oven. Almost like a giant wagon/woodstove. The top steel plate looked covered in bacon grease and black bits. I found a large steel scraper and was pushing the cold fat around on the skillet, which was the size of half a pool table. I wanted to make hash browns so I turned the skillet on and went to a large bucket of water that had shredded potatoes and whole jalapenos in it. The Jalapenos were mixed with potatoes and I didn’t want to add those. The water in the bucket was cold. I got lost in the cold and suddenly I was again before the skillet with potatoes on the surface, but when I tried to add butter it ended up being the blacked bacon fat. I added more of what I thought was regular butter. Then grams came home with a female friend, maybe one of my aunts. She laughs at what I am doing. In my right ear I hear her companion say, “well that’s well lubed.” I turn to my grandmother and I feel like I miss her so much. I begin to weep. Strange dreams indeed.

My small web hosting service

Egomzez — Fri, 14 Oct 2005 18:27:14 GMT

In search of a secure and reliable web space where my friends and I could put our sites egomzez.com* sneakinout.com*~ dennisnybackfilms.com* lapsedreason.com* I ended up leasing a dedicated server in Atlanta through a US company. The package includes WHM 10.6.0, cPanel 10.6.0, RedHat 9 i686, fantastico, and security firewalls. Problem is that my friends and I are only using about 1 of 80 gigs of storage. I started providing hosting to local nonprofits including smyrc.org a local gay youth resource center* resourcespdx.org a resource site for trans youth oregongsa.org gay student alliance qland.org gay men’s resource* projectquest.org a hiv/cancer alternative and mental health service clinic/center technologyforcommunities.org a resource for communities of practice portlandshambhala.org a meditation and Buddhist studies center queerscouts.com a new site for eccentric promotion* I provide this hosting for $50 to $100 a year. Many of them I have setup, designed and maintain voluntarily. * The increased cost is taking a big bite out my wallet. I have picked up a few more clients to help afford this package. tarotjouney.org~ mindlessdocumentation.com beyond50radio.com*~ masstram.com*~ mightypenediting.com But all these sites together take up less then 4 gig of the 80 gigs available. I want to offer customized hosting packages for as little as $1.00 a megabyte per year to tribe members. Many of my friends and I have found 50 - 100 megabyte sites completely adequate for our art and ideas. More recently many of my friends and clients are using wordpress~ ( a free fantastico site content management/ blog system module ) to create and maintain our websites. Simple to install and maintain it gives a web novice a chance to develop their web ideas without paying thousands of dollars to web techs that charge upward of $65 an hour. We are a g-rated service that adheres to the terms of service established by our hosting company dinix.com/about/terms.htm We are not spammers or hackers, nor do we accommodate spiteful, anger and violent content or behavior. We are artists, small businesses, organizations, non-profits and your average Joe. If you need some web space and this appeals to you the please contact me for a customized estimate. ron@egomzez.com Warmly Ron Robertson Founder egomzez.com established 2002

Apartment Complex of the dead

Egomzez — Sat, 08 Oct 2005 04:18:52 GMT

Today a friend invited us to go check out a local mausoleum. Pretty amazing building, though it is run down and looking shabby. It was still a pretty calm place. Not creepy, but like a museum. It is huge with plots going back to 1910. I hope to back on a brighter day.

Its a free ride

Egomzez — Fri, 07 Oct 2005 06:04:46 GMT

Last week, during an intense sitting practice, it became clear how sitting intensives can bring greater awareness to mood cycles. This week has seemed even more intense for awareness of mood cycling. Eveyone in the house seems to be doing it . Lots of shopping therapy hasn't helped any of us. The weather has turned cool and the days are shorter. Maybe a little fake n bake is in order to get a little more light. My buddhists studies book is covering personal dark ages. Which I can see in my life. Cycles of dark ages and light ages. Dark ages for me are very indulgent and full of feeling sorry for myself. I have been glad to have the house to myself today. Tomorrow I need to get caught up on my website work. My partner has got us hooked on the tv series LOST, whcih we borrowed someone's first season dvd set. Pretty good. The first 6 episodes are pretty edgy. I, by chance, got hooked on some Japanese anime called Inuyasha. Up to episode 10 or 167. Pretty good storylinea bout feudal japan and demons. Mindless entertainment, but intresting how they work the elemental belief system and buddhism in. Yawn. Bed Time.

Changing

Egomzez — Sun, 02 Oct 2005 07:06:36 GMT

My own mother gave me a double look the last time I saw her. It had been almost two years since she'd seen me. I think I got heavier and my hair has grown out considerably. I shaved my head for the last time this last December. I have shaved my head constantly since 1997 when I was diagnosed with HIV. Though, the picture above of me without hair goes back to June 2002. The one with hair was just this past Sept 11th 2005. My goal is to grow my hair out long enough for tying it back. This length is awkward and constantly in my face. The other thing to note about this set of pictures is that I reversed them so you see me as I see myself in a mirror. Interesting that it feels less skewed to see the mirror image. It's what I look at in the mirror ever day. How uncomfortable does it make you to see yourself in photography? I find myself slightly uncomfortable with seeing myself. Body image dissatisfaction is very powerful. Back in 1987 I was a little heaver than I am today. Given a bizarre exchange experience in Denmark I starved and exercised myself to around 170 lbs in a very short period of time. I was telling a friend about this and I realized I have images of that time and I wanted to see how I changed. First off I put the above image together to see how my appearance has changed more recently. Now I just have to dig the pictures out from 1987.

Tender Hearted Tears of Joy

Egomzez — Sat, 01 Oct 2005 04:27:57 GMT

I spent the last three days at a maximum-security prison serving as gatekeeper and timekeeper for a group of inmate participants learning about Shambhala meditation training. Shambhala Training does something profound at level I. People connect with the great eastern sun and to be present when that happens makes the heart pulse in surges of energy. Like waves of ecstasy flooding over the entire body. I don't cry often, but this experience left me in tears of joy and tenderness. I found myself visualizing a dance of delight. From murders to car thieves to all sorts this group was not the average group at a Shambhala Level. In discussion groups they touched on the deep-seated truth of being human. I shed tears of joy to see that in the hardest of places the great and vast qualities of openness and simplicity can manifest. They shared that safe place and welcomed me in like a comrade and friend. To be able to talk and socialize freely with these guys was a truly unexpected treat. I learned more about the experience of being incarcerated then I ever thought possible. The most tender and touching part was in the very end when the toughest of the guys came up and gave me a manly handshake and tender hug. Unlike any masculine sharing experience I have ever had. I look forward to going back in 6 weeks and continuing to work with these guys for the next two years.

The Journey of Enlightenment Tarot, Velhajue

Egomzez — Sat, 24 Sep 2005 23:24:15 GMT

About a year ago a friend and I embarked on a Journey to create a tarot deck. We have taken a hiatus on it as life moved along. This last week the tarot has come back into my mind and I suddenly saw a connection that without I was left feeling sort of lost and directionless. Now I will begin writing a narrative to detail the aspects of the cards. Here is some stuff I wrote today that go with this. I will be making a site soon for the deck. The art will be a process of a couple more years, but hopefull in short order there will be prints made available of the cards that do get finished. For now this a story and art project. Once in its final form it will be a fabulous tool for divination. PLEASE SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS Velhajue Tarot The Journey of Enlightenment. The word enlightenment is a word of convention. Even among all thinkers there are different conventions and understanding on what it is to be enlightened. Within the Journey of Enlightenment Tarot the convention of enlightenment is of a quality of being. A quality that is a part of every being. The Journey of Enlightenment is not a narrative about becoming, but a narrative about being. All beings can be observed to be an ever flowing amalgam of the 5 elements. For this narrative the elements receive pseudonyms. These are Space, Time, Dimension, Matter, and Being. The elements, going by these five names, dance through the Journey of Enlightenment in a ever changing rhythm> This dance makes up all life. The story has two underlying principles which are called the mundane and the divine elixirs. The convention of these titles are that the mundane is relation through the energy of the four senses and the divine is to directly know by inspiration, intuition, or reflection. This tarot journey is laid out in a linear fashion, but experientially there is no journey with a beginning and end. The divine and mundane are dance partners. Enlightenment is being this dance of mundane and divine. The journey is something every being is already on. Enlightenment, as it is conceptualized here, is, in part, waking up to the subtler differences of indirect and direct experience. The mundane and the divine elixirs are represented here as stories. The story most common and familiar is the story of moving from birth through life to death. We are young and we grow old. In youth we explore the mundane and in adulthood we are divinely inspired. The Mundane Elixir The mundane is ruled by the elements. The dancing elements make up life. The nature of these dancing elements exists in exoteric and esoteric qualities. For the sake of the linear narratives element’s are qualified so that the exoteric represents youth or immaturity and the esoteric represents adulthood or maturity. The mundane is imbued with thinking and thoughts. Feelings and emotions are cerebrally explored. The Divine Elixir The divine in the Journey of Enlightenment tarot is not referring to personified deities. Divine refers to knowing through the stimulation of the mind or emotions. This high level of feeling or activity is without the manipulation of thought or concept. This knowing is transcendent, yet intimately engaged with direct experience In the realm of experience the divine and mundane are inseparable while the energy of life resides in the matter of form. The story of the Journey of Enlightenment This story depicts a path from mundane through divine. It starts at a beginning. In the story of life this beginning is birth. As an infant and child the mundane is directly experienced. As language and thought is cultivated and and as the body and mind develop the mundane becomes filtered through thought and imagination. This process creates a lack synchronization of body and mind. Without being moderately synchronized the body and mind begin to lose touch and suffering ensues. Over time the building of suffering motivates the soul to seek relief. In the pursuit of relief comes the opportunity to realize enlightenment and to experience being as a release from the hook of mundane suffering and a release from the hook of mundane bliss. The Journey of Enlightenment climaxes in an experiential realization that the energy that feeds the mundane also feeds the divine. Energy arises and passes in the dance of mundane and divine. A journey can climax more than once. The end of the story of the Journey Enlightenment is like setting off on a raft to cross a large ocean and finding that the raft is lost and the ocean is lost but the journey does not end. The end of the story does not represent an the end of the journey for the Journey of Enlightenment is without beginning or end. For more info on the velhajue tarot deck check out http://lapsedreason.com user: tribe login: 092505

So damn cute!

Egomzez — Mon, 19 Sep 2005 06:31:30 GMT

My friend has two kittens at his house. They are so cute. I took the camera and by chance got to take some pictures. They were cooperative. Happens the sun was shining on the wooden floor and the kittens would play for a bit then sit in the sun and bask. Lick here and there ... then back to playing. This one looked up at me from cleaning a paw, as if to say "Do you mind?" Yahoo to cuteness! Here are more pictures I took that day. http://egomzez.com/091705/

Convention, expectation and direct experience

Egomzez — Sat, 17 Sep 2005 18:10:21 GMT

Word convention is very powerful. Words like ego and love and compassion and harmony all have conventions that are slightly variable all over the world. From those conventions expectation arises. If I think ego means a sense of I, then I may expect a whole bunch of things. Many people vilify their conventions. Especially Buddhists characterized by an authoritative, arrogant assertion of unproved or unprovable principles. Ngakpa Chogyam in his book Spectrum of Ecstasy puts it so perfectly. Rather than use words like ego and self and I he talks about indirect and direct experience. He clarifies by saying the Freudian ego is different from the Buddhist ego. The Buddhist ego is about the indirect experience. Anything that brings about the indirect experience is ego. He also points out that the energy that makes up indirect experience also makes up the direct experience. That to try and eliminate ego is to try and throw the baby out with the bath water. Indirect experience and direct experience dance intimately. Whenever we recognize the one we suddenly have access to the other. Therefore the greater the neurosis the greater the access to direct experience. But this is only possible through the continued practice of mind stabilization through mindfulness-awareness meditation. Long live the ego, dance partner to enlightenment.

Training weekend

Egomzez — Sat, 10 Sep 2005 14:14:16 GMT

This weekend The Portland Shambhala Meditation Center is have a Sacred Path level called Windhorse. We met last night for a few hours. I think this will be an interesting level. Already all sorts of shit is coming. We worked a little on the back yard this summer Here is a picture from teh covered area.

Notes on studying to train the mind

Egomzez — Fri, 09 Sep 2005 04:45:26 GMT

Shamatha (Sanskrit) – Shi-ne (Tibetan) – Calm/Peaceful Abiding [Mindfulness] Peaceful as in the sense of being in harmony Getting completely familiar with the breath and accustomed to the mind. Stabilizing the mind so it’s in the present moment. To understand the mind Roles of Breath in Shamatha Stabilizing the mind Reducing discursiveness Within Shamatha there is Trenpa (Tbt) [mindfulness] Sheshin (Tbt) [awareness] Three Qualities of Trenpa Familiarity Remembering Not losing the object of Meditation http://www.shambhalasun.com/Archives/Columnists/Sakyong/may_02.htm http://www.shambhala.org/vdh/vdh_newcurriculum.html Two elements of formal meditation Ngotr? – introduction to Gom – getting familiar with Notes from reading the source book "Taming the mind and walking the Bodhisattva path" by Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche

Play with your brain (plus sources)

Egomzez — Fri, 09 Sep 2005 00:16:40 GMT

Play with your brain The brain is very complicated. Technology is allowing mankind to stop guessing about how the brain works and start observing how the brain works through powerful scanning technology. Through the history of science and anatomy we have come to see that the brain is an evolving organ and that by looking at all animal brains it is possible to see the similarities and differences of the brains of humans to those of mammals and reptiles. The human brain is referred to as “triune” brain because its three major systems are like three brains in one. A brief glance at the make up of the human brain identifies these three major systems as the reptilian brain, the mammalian brain (limbic), and the human brain (neo-cortex). As with the body, the brain will habituate to repeated occurrences. An example of this habituation in the body can be observed in muscle development. A muscle that gets repeatedly worked and stressed grows stronger. An extreme example of this can be seen in weight lifters who over develop certain parts of their bodies because they do a limited number of exercises. The development of language and complex reasoning in humans may have led to the neo-cortex of humans to grow larger than those of other primates because of this habituation. Thanks to neuroscience we can today see what parts of the brain become active during specific activity. The brain is now mapped for many aspects of its functioning. We can see what portions of the brain govern emotions, feelings, thinking, motor skills, coordination and more. Without the help of science we have come to unconsciously use certain areas of the brain more than others. Like when poor weight lifting results in wacky physical proportions, when parts of the brain get overworked the consequence is imbalance in the brain’s function. These imbalanced brain functions lead to all sorts of mental and physical problems. To counter this imbalance it’s important to play with your brain. To play and work with the brain develops a better understanding of how it functions. This is vital to identifying the imbalance in brain function. From the first moment of beginning to work with the brain all through training the mind it is important to play with the brain. While a practice of sitting meditation like shamatha (calming meditation) is probably the most effective way of working with the brain, it is possible to play with your brain in other simple and on-the-spot ways. Playing with the brain can have a great impact on stress management and coping skills. Don’t put it off. Play with your brain. Coming soon: How to play with your brain ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ http://www.traumahealing.com/art_Chapter1.html The involuntary and instinctual portions of the human brain and nervous system are virtually identical to those of mammals and even reptiles. Our brain, often called the 'triune brain,' consists of three integral systems. The three parts are commonly known as the 'reptilian brain' (instinctual), the 'mammalian or limbic brain (emotional), and the 'human brain or neo-cortex' (rational). Since the parts of the brain that are activated by a perceived life threatening situation are the parts we share with animals, much can be learned by studying how certain animals, like the impala, avoid traumatization. To take this one step further, I believe that the key to healing traumatic symptoms in humans lies in our being able to mirror the fluid adaptation of wild animals as they 'shake out' and pass through the immobility response and become fully mobile and functional. http://www.aboutibs.org/Publications/stress.html The beneficial and detrimental effect of the stress response In addition to elaborate mechanisms that have evolved to activate the stress response when needed to protect the organism, equally effective mechanisms have evolved to turn it off immediately when no longer needed, or to rapidly habituate to repeated occurrences of the same stressor. Apparently these systems of activation and inactivation of the stress response, which have evolved over millions of years, have been perfected to deal with the daily threats to survival for all organisms involved in the cycle of prey and predators. However, in humans living in modern societies we are increasingly beginning to realize a phenomenon that has been referred to as the wear and tear, or the allostatic load, of stress. This detrimental effect of stress may manifest following a one time severe stressor (life threatening situation), following repeated smaller stressors, or following a major sustained stressor over a period of time. http://www.psycheducation.org/emotion/triune%20brain.htm R complex Limbic System Cortex The Cortical Hemispheres, Lobes, and Specialized Areas The cortex is the primary logic processing circuitry of our brains, and consists of a wide membrane of stacked neural cells that is folded and convoluted to maximize surface area within the tiny space that is the cranial cavity. These folded and crumpled cortical layers make up the hardware of our entire conscious interaction with the world. All cognitive sensory awareness occurs in the cortex; all "thinking" occurs in the cortex; all language and visual imagination occur in the cortex. The cortex is the playground of the mind, the very map of who we are, and each tiny fold and surface area of the cortex has its own specialized processes to handle in the emergent gestalt that is consciousness. So let's cut this sucker up and see how it works. The majority of sense data is passed to the cortex via thalamocortical projections that ascend from (you guessed it) the thalamus to corresponding processing areas in the higher cortex. The main mass of the cerebral cortex is split into two hemispheres (left and right), and like most areas of the body, these two halves are roughly mirror opposites of each other. While the prefrontal lobes store short term memory, the inferior frontal region known as Broca's area is where speech originates — both when we speak to others and when we speak to ourselves (as in internal dialogue or thinking, which uses the same pathways as speech but without the activation of the motor cortex to make the mouth move). The parietal lobes are famous for being both the primary area for processing the sensation of touch as well processing all outgoing motor commands. The parietal lobes essentially are the awareness of the body in the cortical mind, receiving sensation, sending motor commands, and processing spatial awareness data. This area of the brain also specializes in the logical manipulation of abstract concepts — such as the numbers and symbols of mathematics — which are basically internalized representations of our physical world, and thus very much like our spatial reasoning activities. - http://tripzine.com/pit.asp?id=pit09

A blogging we will go

Egomzez — Sun, 04 Sep 2005 03:31:27 GMT

It took Ofra a few days to recuperate after her adventure. Poor dog has joint problems and the kids who picked her up thought they would walk her all over trying to find where she lived. I don't doubt they played ball and fetch and jump. All the things Ofra loves to do, but can't anymore without being in serious pain. The last few days she has been better. Tail wagging and tongue licking she is back to her old self. Life goes on. I am totally addicted to a pc game that is new to me. Civilization. I actually played it back in the late 90's, but this pc game rocks. I have actually made a somewhat successful campaign, but those damn Aztecs are a real pain the butt. I just ordered half-life 2 for PC because one of our friends plays online and highly recommends it. Another addiction I am sure. I am totally overloaded with games as of late. I have two or three xbox games I have yet to finish, a few more I want to buy and now that I have a new computer I got tons of pc games to catch up on. This picture is one I took back in 2001 when I was doing construction at the local bathhouse ( back when there was only one). This guy is a twin. I got along with his brother frank. We parted ways when my boyfriend, at the time, and I went on an extended road trip. I haven't heard from frank since but I wonder what he is up to and how he is doing. I loved the lighting of this picture even if I didn't care for the person in the picture at the time. I guess I also liked that you couldn’t really see the guy for the shadows. I wonder if he and I would have ever gotten along. I like punk skateboarder types, but I have a hard time seeing them for more than eye candy. I can be so shallow.

Lost Dog

Egomzez — Sat, 27 Aug 2005 13:55:10 GMT

6 am Ofra has been my dog since she was six weeks old. She is now living her ninth year. Someone left the gate open and now she has been gone since around 9:30 last night. I am terribly sad and putting up flyers around my neighborhood for those who might have found her. She is so damn sweet I can imagine anyone finding her and falling in love. 12:35 pm Ofra made her way home. Two young boys picked her up outside the house. Said she slept on thier front porch. She is looking very tired. I think they walked her around the block quite a bit. Thanks to Steve ( dad), nick and elliot for bringing her home. Hooray

Morning, yet again

Egomzez — Fri, 26 Aug 2005 16:01:16 GMT

Each day is a mini opportunity to be born, live and die. My eyes open and I am born. In the morning, as a child, I can be grumpy, confused. As a teen I am restless. As an adult I am longing. As a senior I am sedate and listless. The vastness of space comes without awareness. Who remembers falling asleep? Who wants to remember falling dead? That rat drinking water is a metal grating song. The obsequious lover longs for affection. The bowl, the green, the pungent acrid smoke. Raise the windhorse and call the dralas. If your confused then know that you should be. Rejoice. It’s a good sign.

Getting bigger

Egomzez — Thu, 25 Aug 2005 14:27:48 GMT

I found this picture of my dog Ofra and I. I had been living in Portland a year and I met this guy who had a two bedroom apartment. My previous living situation deteriorated when the homeowner/housemate developed brain cancer, was hospitalized and then put into a nursing home. Word from his family around March 2000 was the house was going up for sale. April - may the realtor showed the house. One thing I have observed about myself in the last 5 years is that when I grew up I learned to only be sexual with the ones you love.. so I fell in love with everyone I wanted to have sex with. Effective approach if you want to live in heartbreak. By this picture I had three years under my belt after my diagnosis with AIDS. The doctor told me, while I was in the hospital in 1997, "Take the pills you can live five years, don't take them and you'll be dead by the end of the month." The drugs were awful. Especially for someone with so little awareness of his own personal digestive process. Actually the second or third combination I tried were so completely horrid I can't believe today I get to take 6 pills once a day and the worst of the nausea and vomiting are gone. In 2000 I must have weighed around 189 lbs (85 kg). By Aug this year I have worked my way up to 235 lbs. I would say that soda has played a large roll, but so has a lack of portion control. My partner has been a good inspiration to get more active and lift weights. We joined the gym and I bought a bike so we could ride together. I look back to when I was 40 lbs heavier and wonder if I can get back down to that weight this next year? When I was diagnosed with HIV in 1996 I never imagined I would still be battling my weight problems. Matter of fact my freaked out response to the nurse in the clinic was " At least I getta lose weight." I was probably 215 lbs back then.

On a bike ride

Egomzez — Wed, 24 Aug 2005 19:24:06 GMT

My partner and I are working out three times a week. We decided to go for a bike ride down 39th to the Spring Water Corridor which goes over to Sellwood and Oaks Bottom ( saw a blue heron in the water) and then down the the Willamette River under the Ross Island Bridge. It took about an hour and a half. The working out has made the riding much easier than it used to be. Working out is great and the cardio is great too. Now if I could get over my portioncontrolitis I might reduce my BMI The above image is from a path bridge on the corridor trail. It was maybe 25 mins from my front door.

Working on a day off

Egomzez — Tue, 23 Aug 2005 16:15:08 GMT

One of the aspects I connect with in the meditation teachings of Shambhala is that form allows for working with the mind. And variation of form is play. Working with the mind in a gentle and compassionate way is like play. Which isn't playing with the mind where the mind is a toy or game. With the mind play is like the play of two children. Curious and sometimes fearless. Tender. I have come to recognize in my own mind that play is very often absent. In its place a militant disapproval dominates. They are like dance partners, play and militancy. Between them they create a space where all the ups and downs of an emotional roller coaster will arise and fall. To play with the mind, as a child plays with a companion we learn when to step in and when to step back. The marvelous thing about this play is that nothing is static or solid. The hell of this play is that nothing predictable or constant. If not approached through meditation practice then this play is almost always hell because it has a dangerous groundless feeling most of us would all rather avoid. I mean who wants to be in discomfort, emotional or physical.

A scale of wretchedness.

Egomzez — Sun, 21 Aug 2005 15:41:55 GMT

Some mornings are worse than others, this morning rates about a 5 on a scale of ten. Sickening feeling in the gut. Nausea and ache. Only food and water seem to abate the feeling. There have been nights I got up to eat, just to feel better. I try to keep snacks next to the bed so I can start eating as early as 5 or 6 am. No snack today and I had to get out of bed this morning to calm the churning gut. This feeling of wretchedness is a whole body experience. So wretched I thrash about in bed in the early morning unable to find a comfortable spot. That is when lying in bed just provides an opportunity to ruminate on how wretched I feel. The weather plays a large roll in feeling this way. It flops back and forth between cool and hot. A pleasant misty cool in the morning and early afternoon followed by a persecuting heat in the afternoon and late evening. Where I work I sit in a small room that faces the setting sun. At about 6pm the wall radiates heat and I have to sit in front of a small fan propped up on a chair to stay cool. I pass the time checking email and watching Stargate or Twin Peaks on a mini DVD player. I love a job that pays me to work in this way, even if it lacks air-conditioning. But this morning I feel wretched. After a cliff bar and a bowl it is masked with a high and the acid in my gut can now focus on the peanut butter chocolate chips instead of eating away at the stomach lining. The Pearl by Brian Eno and Harold Budd mask the droning radio of my neighbor. The morning is short as I have a meeting/potluck to attend. Then back to the box for yet another baking. I admit, though, that Stargate is getting good the next episode is about Osiris. Blab-ity - Blab blab Maybe all this wind should be going out my bowels.

A camping we will go

Egomzez — Mon, 15 Aug 2005 22:35:00 GMT

I am looking for campsites around portland. Thought I would share the resources I find... Browse oregon state parks along corridors http://camping.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?zi=1/XJ&sdn=camping&zu=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.oregonstateparks.org%2F Map of some campsites within 125 miles of portland, oregon http://www.reserveusa.com/generateMaps?zoom=1&long=5&lat=10#scrld Campgrounds in oregon http://www.hikercentral.com/campgroundstates/or.html

Monkey-licious

Egomzez — Sat, 13 Aug 2005 23:12:57 GMT

In Buddhism the word monkey comes up. In one telling a monkey represents the human mind. In this telling the approach of catching monkey is explained like this …''. To catch a monkey: Get a box with a hole big enough for a monkey’s hand. Place in the box a piece of food that won’t fit through the hole. (note: obviously box needs a hinged opening of some sort) Leave box with food out for where a monkey might see it, a monkey mall or simian beauty salon for example. The theory here is that a monkey will find the box and it will reach in to grab the food. It will try to pull the food out, but when it can’t do so the monkey will continue to hold the fruit and the box. Monkeys are said to be easier to catch when stuck in this fashion. The human mind seems to work in the same principal. It will grab on to something it wants and despite endangering itself it won’t let go. It’s not hard to see this in action. Say the mind gets hung up on having the best-est or most awesome of something. It has to be that thing. No substitutes or imitations. The mind wants that one thing and will forsake all other possibly satisfying things just to get what it wants. And like the trapped monkey, once the thing is seemingly had there is no letting go. Despite imminent death there is no letting go. Despite getting caught in this sort of situation our monkey mind keeps doing it over and over again. And if you play any sort of video game you know first hand that the more you do something the better you get at it. It becomes second nature. As this clinging becomes second nature the mind gets into ruts. Over thinking or analyzing becomes the bane of existence. Why can’t I stop thinking about this? I asks itself. The harder the mind tries not think about something the more we think about it. Round and round. Myth is that by getting really drunk of fucked up this thinking will stop and there will be relief. Which if you have any awareness about such things you know that is a load of crap. It just distracts until the thinking escalates into unbearable and overpowering force. Another myth is that by imposing militant domination over one’s mind the mind will do what it is told and settle down at will. This too is never successful, though a thoroughly deluded mind can see it as being effective despite the gut wrenching and socially mutilating results. So what the hell is the point here? The point is that a monkey mind, when left untrained, will ultimately lead to being caught in all sorts of miserable situations. There is nothing to be done about it. Which is not to say there is no hope of escaping this bullshit, but that in order to train the monkey mind it essential to learn how to do nothing. Not the nothing of sitting around like a couch potato, but the nothing that is not doing anything in the mind, which can be done while doing anything. With everything, without anything. One could say. Not doing anything is not something any of us end up doing habitually. Habitually we end up always doing something. Thinking is probably the most habitual “something” we do. Some belief systems would have people deny themselves. To force a militant suppression of any thing that can be done. No thinking. No feeling. No engaging in activity that might provide an opportunity to feel or think. That somehow by complete deprivation one will transcend the monkey mind of cyclic existence and be this super spiritual who-zee-whats-it. A detached being that lives in ideals. Ugh that sounds revoltingly bland and deprived. In some belief systems the idea of denial is just another way of doing something. To truly do nothing one needs to let go thinking over and over again. To come to recognize on the subtlest level that while we may not think so, we are doing something. To recognize that it is only when nothing is being done does clarity arise. To recognize that doing nothing is not an innate trait, but something that must be cultivated. Done over and over and over again until doing nothing becomes the new habitual pattern. Maybe …'' if the monkey mind can learn to do nothing it will let go of what it clings to. Maybe Monkey graphic copyrighted by egomzez.com

First Blog Entry

Egomzez — Sun, 07 Aug 2005 04:03:15 GMT

Tribe appears to be a really cool place, but a cool place for what purpose still eludes me. I don’t want to admit it, but since no one seems to really be paying any attention I will. I am bored. I came to tribe and wanted to connect, yet I feel even more disconnected now that I got here. Like I don’t know the right things to say or comment. Like I am the strangest thing ever and people see my postings as so trite as not worth responding too. Oh look I pulled out my pity pot and sat down before I knew what I was doing. Here I am sitting at work. The tech department has rate limited this computer so everything takes a week, seemingly, to load. One page takes almost 5 mins. Hopefully the punishment will end Sunday, but the rules loom ever near. I guess this punishment is to tell me …' you are not using the computer for the proper reason, but then again I am sitting in a room for eight hours doing absolutely nothing and there isn’t anything to be done about it. My job is to sit here for eight hours and then write a report about all the nothing that happened in that time. I pass the time with tribe and watching stargate dvds on a hand held dvd player. I keep checking in to the tribes I have joined and I find so much banality. Communicative masturbation. People getting off sounding important or lofty. So many people here are looking for the great adventure that will free them from the humdrum of their life. No one seems really interested in just being who they are. It seems more desirable to be working toward a bigger, better someone who has all the whatevers that would make them important in such a common existence. Bitter much? I am not sure why I am so bitter. I guess it seems like everyone has their poop in a group and I can barely keep mine in one hand. Ugh! So I will sit here listening to Brian Eno singing “The great pretender” from ”Taking Tiger Mountain ( by strategy ) Here let me share some of the lyrics …' Lose the sense of time Nail down the blinds And in the succulent dark there’s a sense of ending Joking aside The mechanical bride Has fallen prey to the great pretender. Let me just point out discreetly Though you never learn All those tawdry late night weepies I could make you weep more cheaply