I certainly thought it'd be easier than this, but every waking moment of my life still reminds me of him. I'm not going to go into much detail about it, because it still hurts to even think of those times. But over the past 2 months I've realized... I'm not sure if I'll ever be the way I was able to be BEFORE I moved. I find myself with too much time on my hands, but no motivation to do anything with that time. After Quality Resources dumped me, I found a new telesales job at DialAmerica (selling subscriptions to help Special Olympics--a more useful cause at least) but it's only part-time, and the pay isn't nearly what it was at QR. But you give a little and take a little. The drive is only half of what it WAS, and the people are definitely more pleasant to be around (not constantly being talked down to from a very harsh New Yorker who was constantly reminding us I could replace you in an instant...), and the shorter tele-time IS much easier on my voice (for anyone whose known me for any reasonable amount of time knows I have very weak vocal chords, and I lose my voice EVERY time I go partying, etc.). But now that I'm not working 43-53 hours a week, I sit in my room, with only the motivation to clean, clean, clean. I can probably thank my mother for this type of OCD. Ever since I was maybe about 12, she's always told me never to waste a waking minute, and I should be doing something around the house to help her clean, because she always DID have a full-time job, and asking any of the males in the house to do so was pretty much futile. Sure, I never LIKED doing it, but years and years of "training" like that has managed to cement some type of cleaning disorder into my brain, and I spend any moment I can making my room pretty much immaculate. Why only my room, and not the whole house? I'm not sure. Something is definitely fucked up in my brain, though. Because ever since I moved back I'm the brooding type--my room has become my sanctuary. Sure, I go out. Anyone who knows me knows I would never turn down an opportunity to mingle! Especially on those awesome Thursdays and Saturdays when I'm gone to Ybor. But if I'm NOT out, I'm unmotivated to do anything but sit in my bedroom, watch the saaaame shows on the tube, clean in-between, and every so often check the internet for new activity. I'd say over the course of the past 2 months, I've literally pulled this whole room apart section-by-section and have re-done, cleaned, and organized every part of it. And I'm in so much debt, I can't afford to go shopping or drive anywhere. So I sit and wait.

Would I call it true depression? Probably not. I still consider myself a pretty happy person OVERALL. Once things get organized, I'll be "working" sorta part-time to get new eligible upgrade customers into our Verizon store. Once that happens, more of my time will be occupied, and more money in my pocket. But I guess this is just one of those life's lessons I was always warned about. I consider myself lucky that at least I learned it early enough in life to hopefully recover at some decent point in time. Does it mean I'm over him? No, I don't know if that'll ever completely happen. But maybe someday I won't let it affect me as much as it still does to this day. The only social things occupying me ARE going to Ybor twice a week, and on occassion the hookah bar our group huddles over to somewhat frequently. But even that... since the tobacco hike, they told us they'd have to higher the price of their hookahs! :( That's our PERFECT hangout too. The absolute best way to play Garbage (the best card game on the planet. Ever.) or Apples 2 Apples... even accompanied by some really bad stand-up comedy or amateur singing.

I miss those PEXies though... I tell ya, those are some of the best people on this planet. Hands down. (lol thumbs up represent that V-town).. Really wish I coulda seen what that PEX Fest was all about.

Not to say my 4th of July wasn't spectacular. My brother was able to spin at Tantra (the old Amphitheater complex) the weekend prior, and on the 4th, it was a whole bunch of Fusion DJs who took over Tantra! A whole night of BREAKS. My kinda night. This weekend my brother is spinning again, though I can only HOPE we get the kind of turnout we've been having for the past 2 weekends. I know it'll be more tough this time around... Our Tampa Rave Krew is throwing their own soiree on the Skyway, and that accounts for a LARGE population of people that have been coming out.. so here's to hope. It's so funny... when Tantra does well, me and Justin pretty much take it as a personal compliment. We don't work there or anything, but we might as well. I have worked my fingers to the BONE promoting that place because no one knows it's open. We're just trying to restore faith in the dance scene back in Ybor. It's pretty much anyone's game right now, and we need to let people (especially in Channelside) know that the NEW Amp is back, with the potential to be better than ever, but only if people come out to support. Fusion? Fusion doesn't need any help. Dan has done a damn good job of building that place up, and it seems as if it's pretty much assumed that there'll be a good turnout no matter what.

My mother ended up getting a new job, too. Ironically enough, at a place she used to work at years ago. It's good to see her stress levels lowered finally. I think Pinecrest Place was running her down like a ticking time-bomb, and working at Balmoral again can only mean great things for her future. I'm really happy for her.

Also looking forward to the upcoming Vegas trip in September. I really hope I have some MONEY to spend by then. I mean... what's Vegas without money? I can't wait to go back. It's been 4 years since we last went, and it was during the FREEZING months of winter. I can't wait to see how things have changed, and maybe to finally visit Fremont St. (the old Vegas strip) because I never got to the first time around.

Maybe it'll fulfill my desires for the following couple of months, until another madness sets in.