What am i up to?

Spring has Sprung

Mirabelis — Thu, 08 May 2008 17:07:23 GMT

this is the same blog as on my myspace page...its just nice to keep up with everyone :) So spring is here and with spring we all try to clean out the cobwebs and get a fresh start on things, so thats what i'm doing. i figure almost 2 years of being in the pits is just about long enough and i'm doing my bestest to get out of it. i'm actually in a very happy spot at the moment, distance considered, but as is everything else its happening for a reason. the reason right now is to give me time to do some spring cleaning and get rid of some extra baggage. life with april, ruby and richard, (not to mention their 3 dogs 2 cats and 2 birds on top of my 4 dogs 2 cats 4 birds and a snake) has been great. i love having them in the house, seeing ruby grow up, being a part of the "family" is awesome. shes my closest friend at the moment and i enjoy spending what little time i do see them together with them. richard is a great house husband, they have revamped my bathroom, and he mows the grass and such. they are spring cleaning as well and have recently sold their house and are looking for a new one to move into! things are moving about nicely.... so we're having a garage sale this weekend and i'm purging kiwi's things yet again. its time, i'm actually looking at all my extra crap and asking myself if i want to move with it.....yes boys and girls a change is coming for me and spring is the time for the revelations to appear. so in an effort to live my life and not one of the past or one that isnt even my own, i've decided to clean the cobwebs, get rid of some extra baggage, and focus on getting myself back right again. i'll keep you all posted, but suffice to say i'm happy, i'm letting go of some things i never thought i would because the time is finally right. thank you all for sticking through with me, giving me support, advice, a shoulder to cry on....i love ya!

What card am I? Surprise Surprise.....

Mirabelis — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 01:52:50 GMT

The Sun is ruled by the Sun, of course. This is the light that comes after the long dark night, Apollo to the Moon's Diana. A positive card, it promises you your day in the sun. Glory, gain, triumph, pleasure, truth, success. As the moon symbolized inspiration from the unconscious, from dreams, this card symbolizes discoveries made fully consciousness and wide awake. You have an understanding and enjoyment of science and math, beautifully constructed music, carefully reasoned philosophy. It is a card of intellect, clarity of mind, and feelings of youthful energy.

Catch and Release....

Mirabelis — Thu, 13 Sep 2007 18:06:37 GMT

So, today is my one year anniversary...and funnily enough at this exact place in time a year ago i was sitting right here on tribe loading photos into my album. i figured that it was time to start putting the pics up from events that we had been to and show how happy we were. it only took moments for my entire existance to come to a dead halt....and within 15 minutes i saw the life of the man i loved and choose to spend th rest of my life with leave his body and i was left with a shell of a man. its amazing what a massive heart attack can do to your life. so a year on and i seem to be stressed out, worried about all sorts of things and still doing some massive soul searching. i still want to have some sort of control, i still want to have the life that was promised to me by the man that i fell madly and deeply in love with, that i had found on the bottom of the earth and brought to my life to share. expectations are just a let down, its much easier to let things happen and be happy in your life no matter what you do. its hard to go on, to see yourself in another life, to try to get on with another life and to leave the one you thought you would have behind. death brings guilt and regrets as well. i still feel guilty and i still have massive regrets and it hurts to think that i couldnt give the man i loved so much what he deserved. i wish i had the chance to have said goodbye, i wish i had the chance to tell him i loved him and to know that he loved me. i dont have a doubt in my mind that he loved me with all his big huge heart could. and i know that i didnt love anyone else in the world like i did him. i guess i've taken it to mean that i'm to improve on myself and move forward with this life i've been given and make myself a better person and the lives of people around me, to love others more freely and openly. Kiwi definately touched many many folks and if i am just able to do that i will have succeded in life. i'm not so ready to leave this world yet tho. i'd like to stick around a bit longer. i'd like to think that i will be happy with someone for the rest of my life and eventually have a family to grow and prosper from the things i have been given from Kiwi. he was a part of my life and still is, and i will always love him and never forget him until the day that i die. i seem to have caught a wonderful beautiful soul, brought him into my life and shared him with my friends i call family and had to let him go. as if it wasnt hard enough reeling him in, the hardest thing has been letting him go. as i reflect back on today and the hours go by, i am so grateful to my tribe; danny and trisha for being there for me from the exact moment; chanda and angie and terry for helping to understand and cope and get through the arrangements of everything and being by my side to tell me that there are people around to help me out even when i feel like i cant faulter and not be strong for once in my life. for alan who broke the news to my mother inlaw in new zealand at 4am in the morning. that was a call i never thought i would have to make and never in my life would have ever wanted to. for john who kept the business going with me and a year later we are still going forward. to all my friends who are my family to this day that continue to hold me up, you do more than you think. i'm not all that :) most of it is a front i'm sure and i wish i could let myself go enough to accept help from others. and sean, for being there for me and making me open up and share my feelings, and for being understanding and accepting of my manic wishy washy moods. i'm happy to have you in my life and for everything you do for me. you are a wonderful man i love you very much. you give me hope that even though my life is different now, i can have a future with a family again. Thank you. Its true what they say: everything happens for a reason; that which does not kill us makes us stronger; and time does heal wounds. everyone grieves differently but we all go through the same steps and its ok. it is what it is and how we choose to deal with the aftershock is the foundation for the rest of our lives. It is what it is.......now what......do not fear change..... Kitten: i love you more than words can say....i am so sorry for all the things i put you through, and i'm sorry i didnt help you more. i will never forget you, and i hope that our paths may cross again. Thank you for all you have done for me, for all you have given me, for the person i have become and the person i hope to become in the future. i hope that my actions make you proud to have called me your wife.

And here we go....

Mirabelis — Tue, 17 Jul 2007 23:03:52 GMT

So, i'm starting on a new chapter in the book of my past year of my life....i'll say more about that a bit later on when i get my head straight. right now is a very dificult time for me. I'm about to turn another year older, my first year anniversary is coming up....and i'm trying not to let the anticipation make it more than it is. For those of you who can, The Sweinbrothar Houshold is hosting Ravens Fort Defender this year. I have a year and a half bottle of Mid Realm Strawberry Melomel from the wake last year that i am looking forward to sharing around on my first anniversary. Any and all that can make it i would love to have the support from all of mine and Kiwi's friends. You all were an important part of his life and it should be celebrated and remembered! what better way to do it than a geniuine Swein event! The dates are Sept 14-16 :) That being said....I've been going through some pics. Some are old, Some are new...tOh and they are just radomly thrown in there, i tried to order them a bit but its just too much and im just doin it as they come...take them as they are :) Enjoy! I hope to see all of you very very soon!! This pic of of Radar, Punkin Dog, my old girl that will never ever die...at the beach on my wedding anniversary this year.

Catching Up!

Mirabelis — Sun, 03 Jun 2007 06:41:31 GMT

Hey everyone that cares to read this! Many thanks to you guys that still keep up with whats going on. I've been going through a wierd phase..i know its to be expected and all, and things seem to happen for the right reasons at the right time, or something like that. So, ever since i realized that my wedding anniversary was coming up, i got really freaked...that was the beginning of April. My anniversary is a big NZ holiday, ANZAC day April 25th, and this year it just happened to be Administrative Professionals Day, which the boy would always tell me was a glorified secretaries day...but it was a day for people like him for sure. So i had to find humor in that..how could you not? I realized the anticipation of the day, for an entire month, was much worse than the day itself. Punkin and i, that would be bitey dog from lilies and definately his dog lol, we went to galveston, the armpit of the gulf no doubt, and spent a few nites there walkin on the beach and such. it was a good way to spend my anniversary, and to look back on my years and begin to see it in a new light. it wont be the same anymore...will be a long time before i forget, and im sure in time it will fade but more than likely not totally. I really had to come to terms with my actual "title" if you will, i dont like widow that makes me sound old and wrinkled lol, but yet at the same time i'm not married anymore, so how can you celebrate a wedding anniversary in that light? it was good to make peace with that and move on from it, always going forward.... sometimes! i've been really manic these past few months...up down up down, and i dont get that way. its been really wierd and i've just pretty much stopped seeing folks, or talking to anyone in my social group. i think its a phase i'm going thru, time to find myself, figure out who i am again, find my spirit if you will, get out of depression and off my ass into doing something more produtive. i've had the house to myself since i got back from gulf wars pretty much...so walking around gives you lots of time to think and lots of time to come to grips with whats really going on. all in all i think i'm doing pretty well. i try to get to as many events as gas prices will allow; good times with good peoples and i enjoy it mucho! Being lonely gets to me on occassion, i know i have people out there but i really hate having to depend on anyone else to help me, or asking for help, so i pretty much have just been anti social. i've been pretty standoffish as well which doesnt help im sure. Lilies is definately a much needed break from overthinking :) work has been a real bitch lately, not that i know what i'm doing by any means, but i am learning and once again moving forward. If anyone out there wants to ever ever talk computers with me please please please hunt me down and make me! i need to socialize with geeks OMG its been so stressful i need to talk shop with people that know what im talking about! so if you see me please talk to me about computers! i need it! that and i learn lots of things from those with more experience than i, and thats just about any other computer person i know! we're getting thru it tho, all the problems we've been having we seem to some how get out of it, with some amount of stress definately more on my employee since he thank god has a better idea of whats going on. but for some reason i am not threatened by it all. something tells me that i'm being watched and somehow or another things just seem to fall into place for us and works out. i also know i can get a job being a vet tech again and keep money coming in. even though it all seems to be a load of shit, it could be worse, and i really have no complaints. i'm actually getting to where i enjoy my job because i can actually accomplish something without help. Ok, some of you know, and some of you dont, and well i'm sure the saying is true opinions are like assholes and everyones got one. one thing that has probably made my road slighty harder and easier all at the same time, for whatever reasons, is i'm seeing someone. there are pics in my profile if you wanna have a look. his name is sean, or dingus, or whatever nickname you have given him lol!! hes damn sexy i tell ya...from the moment i met him i knew there was something about him that made me want to know more. I've known his brother and his brothers lady for many many years, and damn....anyway...i believe people come into our lives for a reason, and he popped into mine. good/bad? i dont know...i figure tho that if you're looking at an opportunity to be happy, you might as well take it rather than sit and watch it go by. then you can say you at least did something instead of sitting around totally by yourself! he makes me happy :) besides i have a lot of things that i need to get into and out of a relationship, having the chance to do it all over again. he says glorious wonderful things to me, which many of you may know Kiwi was definately lacking in. and i try soooo hard not to compare..if i remember anything from something a friend of mine said to me it's that any relationship i have will be different..not the same....but damn its hard. i still deal with a great amount of guilt for things that i might not even think about if i wasnt in another relationship. whether its now or later i'm still going to have to go through those same feelings at some point. i think that maybe the biggest drawback to being in a relationship at this juncture is my grieving process. i have a hard time not thinking about the both of them pretty much constantly. good days are those where i have moved forward....and i know that Kiwi is around me lots its evident..that will never go away. i am who i am because of being with him. good days are when i think about being in a relationship again where someone loves me and i love them, where we can be happy and i dont have to live out the rest of my days alone, thinking ahead to the future and getting out of life what i want with someone who is good to me and loves me and says wonderful things to me and is damn good looking. doesnt hurt eh? lol, but i do want to be happy and have a relationship and kids! damn if i didnt go get myself all worked up to havin a kid and i got to do the hunt all over again! am i in it because i want someone or am i in it beacuse i want him? well thats the question and i dont think i can honestly answer that because the mind is a complex thing, but i feel like if i wanted someone there are plenty of rental someones out there that i can use. i'm actively choosing to be with him and it makes me happy, and i need to be happy, who doesnt? if i had it to do over again i'm not so sure i would have gotten serious with anyone so soon, but thats not the way it happened, and thats not the path i choose. i'd like to think i'm done with going through the whole dating thing. i know that as long as i let him he will do everything he can to make me happy, and i seem to be doing the same. so its working :) he's coming along nicely ;) bless him hes been so understanding of my manic moods and poor guy tries to help me out and most of the time i tell him to bugger off. prolly goes back to that whole sense of independance i have. he's got some big shoes to fill, and it sends me reeling emotionally at times, but its a good thing :) and if it does all end up turning to shit i can at least say the sex was great ;) oh ya he makes period furniture...so i now pretty much have a wooden bed, off the ground no air mattress or pump needed...oh and a wooden closet! and hes got a truck to haul me and all my shit around in! and he's been thrown into the middle of Amazon camp for a week at GW after we broke down halfway there in said truck, and walked out alive...hes pretty special ;) he choose me, i didnt appear desperate, and it wasnt someone who was already attached to someone else, unavailable, and someone i was definately attracted to. so he makes me happy, i'm glad i took the step to share my life with him. hes just about the only person other than my employee i see on a regular basis :) its good to be the queen again! So, out with the old in with the new. i've been archiving my pics to get all the Kiwi pics off the computer and to putting all the post Kiwi pics on the computer. things take time, and i've found that we all go through the same process differently. i've been able to let go of some things easier than i thought, and other things not. not having the constant reminder of a pic flashing on my screensaver definately helps. i will always remember him no doubt, but its nice that i dont all day every day, just most days sometimes lol. anyway, having the pics off is a good thing. i'll be posting pics up here from the last 9 months, and some from a few things previous that i never got the chance to put up, like pics from liles last year!!! i'll be sure to take more this year so i can have wonderful fond memories to have up while my screensaver cycles along. thanks each and every one of you for being in my screensaver, and believe me there are a lot of you!! so keep yer eyes out i'll be puttin up a ton of pics here in the next few weeks before i go and take a buttload more. cant wait to see most of you at lilies!! please make sure im well and drunk by the end of the nite :) i definately missed out on something from last year. looking forward to more drinking, drumming and dancing!! and, three of my closest friends are making the trek up there from here, and my amazon mother will be there as well! the rest of you i'll be seeing soon!

Where am I now????

Mirabelis — Sat, 03 Mar 2007 17:23:41 GMT

Well, i'm not quite sure bout that, but so far it feels pretty good, and i think that i've been gettin some sort of wierd signs along the way to let me know i'm on the right path. Your mind goes thru some pretty wierd shit when you have to work thru a death that is that close to you, and every experience i have had since seems like its all brand new again. i guess it is in a way, how do i go about living life, work, fun, play etc....you dont know what to do until you are faced with the decision and have to take some action. i've decided i can either sit on my ass and let the world go by or i can get out there and live my life. i've had some awesome conversations with all of you lovely ladies out there that have given me support thru all of these floods of emotions and feelings. i dont feel so crazy....thats a nice thought. oh and i got a new car :) I LOVE MY CAR!!! its a 2006 mustang GT, thats 8 cylinders of horsepower baby!! my boy should have gotten me a hot rod a lot sooner than this.!! its practically brand new, 3500 miles, silver with a red leather interior !! hot hot hot I LOVE MY CAR!!! so i now have 3 cars, the family mobile has been given back, and if i head down that path again then i'll cross that bridge when i get there. right now im crossing other bridges and trying to deal with the stuff i have to deal with ! ok so Gulf Wars is coming, and although ive taken quite a hiatus in the past 6 months...oh ya and the 6th month anniversary is coming up... i've just had the whole anniversary of when he actually got here...next is the 6 month point, and then our anniversary. i think that one will be the most difficult to go thru. for some reason thats the biggest holiday i think we ever celebrated, so its going to be a hard time for me. that will be at the end of april, so you all think good positive thoughts about me :) i'm gonna need it. anyway, gulf wars is my next break from society and i'm so looking forward to it. i probably wont be able to get to any wars other than this one, althogh i'm gonna try to get to lilies this year to party with my peeps in KC! you folks will probably see me out and about at some events in the area ;) if you are going eventing this year keep yer eye out for me. i seem to like to get in my nice new car, did i mention I LOVE MY CAR!! , and i like to drive it places so i seem to get out and about a bit... and trips to beaumont, but thats another story for another time... :) lets just say that i'm doing well, am seemingly happy and the world keeps goin whether we want to be a part of it or not!!

Hold tight...the clouds are clearing....

Mirabelis — Sun, 10 Dec 2006 19:25:10 GMT

So here i am in New Zealand, been here 3 days now and it just seems like a whirlwind. I am currently in a happy place :) im with the boys best bud and his lady in the north island. i've ridden the train through the countryside, and have just been weeping and weeping. it feels good, i've been putting it off for a few weeks now, since his birthday actually. Oh and by the way, we had a wonderful time! it was sooooo good to have the tribe there with the kids and the spirit was just very powerful and energetic. It was nice, i cooked a roast lamb that was to die for, there was great meats and deserts and a few shots of tequila. Good times... i feel like this is it though, like when i'm done here its all gone. i know that he'll be around forever...but it is just really kinda heavy dumping all these things i've been thinking about for the past 3 months. the great unload...its beautiful here, i dont want to come home honestly...but i know i have to, but i will want to come home. i have been on planes, trains, busses, automobiles, and the ferry to come. its like my whole life flashing before my eyes and i'm just dealing with whatever happens to come along. its all about change..dont be afraid of change. for me thats a really really big thing. i dont change...for those of you who know me, the old me i'd like to think, you all change around me. i know some of you that have known me recently would never ever believe me to be so selfish and self centered, you have said as much. i'd like to think that about 6 years ago i found some happiness. we are the result of our experiences, and from the very first one that i remember vividly i would never ever give back anything that i've experienced in my life. it has made me who i am, has put me in the community i am in, and has changed me. i'm not so much afraid of change anymore, in a split second my entire life as i knew it changed. its not so bad.... i'll keep in touch every now and again, its good therapy to get it out, especially to people who care about you. so thanks for the therapy session. you all are wonderful and i'm glad i have you in my life. distance, existance, souls and people....they are all on a continum and if you are tapped into it you are a part of it. i'm glad to have you all as a part of it....those energies are awesome! thanks everyone for the kind words, thoughts, conversations, food, fun, laughs, crys, weeps...i have used your shoulder in the past and i'm not done with it yet!

Now what....

Mirabelis — Wed, 22 Nov 2006 20:38:24 GMT

sigh.....that pic of from the Milford Sound area in New Zealand. we visited there for his mum's 50th birthday and got to spend some time around the south island. i will be leaving in a few weeks to go back there for just about the whole month, possibly for the last time. so i keep turning all those coins over from one side to the other trying to figure it all out and put my mind at some sort of ease. maybe when i figure out what side of the coin i am on i will polish it up :) i'm doing well, honestly, for those of you who wonder. and for those of you who have sent me messages it means alot to me really. i know i've said this before, but without each of you i wouldnt be able to do it. i know that most of it is on my shoulders, but its nice to find a shoulder to go to when mine is worn out, thank you all. the hardest thing is just knowing that he isnt going to come back, hes gone. i still have a hard time with that, actually realize that he isnt coming home. the rest of it is just the stuff to work through so that i can realize that he isnt coming back. i am doing well tho, and i know that i'll be a box of fluffy ducks again some day. its been 10 weeks to the day, and my own personal psychiatriac assessment is that i'm doing well. boy how i miss him tho :) so for all you folks out there going out for thanksgiving dinner to your folks or his folks or both your folks, make it a point to remember this thanksgiving. its always been a gathering of my dysfunctional family, but the food is good an no one ever talks about the dysfunctionality of it all lol. they dont celebrate thanksgiving in new zealand, if you were to ask me or my boy we would both have something to say like "lets celebrate the taking of america from the natives" or "happy steal land from the indians day". This holiday marks the first hurdle in a year of hurdles until next september 13th. and somehow or another this thanksgiving has given me alot to be thankful for. Sunday is actually Kiwi's birthday, the tribe and my closest dearest friends will be here for our thanksgiving dinner. I dont think that Kiwi would want anything more than to have the house smell of roast lamb, be full of good friends, good food, and good times. Lets all all be thankful this year, take some time to reflect on those things we are actually thankful for. its a special time of year. it can only go up from here right?????

the road to recovery

Mirabelis — Mon, 09 Oct 2006 20:46:13 GMT

Or something like that...not that i'm recovering, and not that i'm on a road, its more like a life journey. life is definately funny, and not something to take for granted.... as many of you know i'm a veterinary technician, now that definately has not paid the bills it has just enabled me to go out and have fun and see some of you wonderful people. My boys profession was Network Engineer......that pays the bills. so i find myself making a middle of my life career change. this should be the point in my life where the mid life crisis comes in, and it has, but unfortunately i cant make it all better by going out and spending money on expensive things that might make me feel better about growing older. Instead, i get to learn the joys of computer networking. mind you, i've been doing this for about 4 weeks now, have installed my server (although i havent configured it yet), i have inherited a laptop from my boy and put win xp pro on it, and will network the two up this week in preparation for a brand new client we have. fortunately i have john here, which is also my husbands name only we called him kiwi because of the amount of johns out here in east texas. john has been a blessing to me, we go waaaaaaay back, so hes been a pilar for me to lean on, and has been doing the business thing with me since my boy passed. we're getting it, we have new customers, and i'm on my way to becoming microsoft certified. funny because my boy had wanted me to pick this up ages ago. telling me i need to learn how to do what he does, and for me why should i learn what he does, he pays the bills, i have my own thing going that allows me to go play and leave him at home for hours on end uninterruped to sit in front of his computer to do nothing. now i cant sit in front of the computer for hours and hours on end, i dont know how he did it. he always told me that i didnt have any respect for what he did, and it wasnt that i didnt respect him, it was that i didnt need to have an interest in what he was doing because he was doing it so well. we have a company that pretty much has clients ona monthly basis, we charge a fee per month and they pay, just like insurance. if they have problems they call us, if they dont we get their money and wait for them to have problems. as anyone knows, these computers can run like butter sometimes, but most of the time they dont. he set up this company and thats my biggest gift from him. the business plan is excellent, there is room for much growth, and well folks like the personalized service they get. i get to carry around my laptop, palm treo phone (which i also inherited, it is my boys phone and if anyone gets nostalgic and wants to hear his voice its still on that phone, sorry if you call it and start crying, i havent made it that far yet because i would be a basket case!), i got to go buy new business clothes, because i cant dress in scrubs to go see clients and i sure as heck cant do the gypsy thing. so its been exciting and depressing all at the same time. my boy definately made me have respect for what he does in the end... funny how things work out that way. i'm doing ok, not well, not bad, and i'm not in a pit of depression that will drive me to do something stupid. i do have to admit i had that stupid thought last week. it was a very very very very rough week last week. my mother was here, and although she is my mother and i love her for brining me into this world, she really taxes me, my soul, my mind, everything, so it was a relief to have her go back. she was convinced that i was pregnant....and while i wanted to be to carry on the life of my boy.....i'm more grounded in physical things and tend to leave the psycho babble behind. but she was convinced, talked to my boy who i'm sure only further convinced her, and just knew that i was pregnant. well that sent my poor body into thinking it was pregnant, and after 4 urine tests coming up negative, i still wasnt convinced in my head although in my heart i wanted it to be. so i went and had a blood test done, and it came back negative........ so another rollercoaster ride for me, pretty close to the one i had only 3 weeks earlier when my boy came home for the last time. it was literally me slamming into the pavement confronting what i already knew. it hurt, it hurt bad when i hit and i went through some crazy stuff; why am i here, what is my pupose in life, and what am i doing here without my boy by my side???? why am i living this crapo life and whats the point now???? just know that i'm very very ok with the way things turned out. its best for me, its not supposed to have gone down that way, he was meant to raise our child with me and i'm just going to have to wait. luckily for you guys i have an incredible network here, and my mother was not the first one i wanted to cry on. she was the first one i wanted to yell at, but i gave my good good friend trisha a call and she came to my wimpering aid. before the end of it we were both wimpering and i was back on the road to recovery. i'm a pretty smart cookie; i know i have something to accomplish in this lifetime, and well one day at a time, one step at a time, and i'll get closer to the end when i get to see my boy again. hes here, some of you that know him have felt him i'm sure. i constantly loose light bulbs, songs are an amazing trigger as well, i know hes here with me in everything i do. you are all my caretakers now, he left me in good hands with a good means of supporting myself in a very incredibly powerful way. its all up to me now. what i choose to do with it is my own thing. so grief is hard; grieving for the loss of my soulmate; grieving for the child we would never have together; grieving for the life i was going to live and wont now. expectations are such a let down. what i'm left with is live every day as it was your last, have your favorite lunch or dinner, go see the people you havent seen in a while, make those contacts again. dont sweat the small stuff; i have every right to go ape shit on any of your asses if you come up to me with some stupid petty something that seems to be driving your life at the moment. is it going to make a difference in 5 years? kiwi wisdom there....let it go, its so not worth worrying about because you have no idea what is in store for tomorrow. thank you each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart for sending me messages and showing your love and support for me. it means so much, it gets me through, and it makes me feel like i do have some purpose to being on this earth. i love you all, even the folks i just met have a special place in my heart, and i never would have thought that you people could impact me as much as you have. you're all i've got now, and i cant wait to see you all soon! keep the wishes and thoughts and prayers and hugs and all that love comin. it helps me feel closer to myself, and i know my boy is watching over me, and he appreciates it as well. so this is my checking in blog, i've got a huge soul journey to new zealand coming up in december. i have every email he and i ever wrote to each other from day one until he landed on US soil. that is going to be a big journey for me, and one that i am soooo looking forward to. it will help it come full circle, to close the book on that part of my life, and help me move on. luckily for me i have a laptop that has a wifi card so i can go sit at the internet cafes and write up on my experiences and check my mail, keep in touch with the world. funny, my boy started an internet cafe many many years ago.......

It is with a sad and heavy heart...

Mirabelis — Fri, 15 Sep 2006 16:39:09 GMT

Greetings all my friends out there, friends i like to call family. I have had a tragic loss in my life and i am sharing it now with you all so that you may mourn as well. send me love, send me energy, send me prayers i'll take them all. On Sept 13th, wednesday, my dear love of my life was taken away from me very unexpectedly and tragicly. He had made it home in time, he went quick, and even though he is gone i know he is around me. He had a heartattack and passed from this body shortly after. There will be a huge hole in my life without him. I have been surrounded my my close friends that i call family since it happened. It is tough, and im going to have some low low times, but i appreciate you all so much. Check out my photo album for more pics of my boy and just think about how wonderful he was. There will be a wake for him this weekend at our local event, on saturday nite. Any and all of those that can be there please be there. There will also be a memorial service Monday. Kids, his folks are comin and his sisters. All the way from New Zealand!! this is the hardest thing i will ever have to go through in my life....i didnt expect it until much later on. Thank you all in your understanding of proper time and all that, i am open for any comments now :) and dont worry i'm ok, just very very heartbroken. i love each an every one of ya! Tell them all what you want them to know because you may not have the chance again.

WOOOOOOOT!!

Mirabelis — Thu, 17 Aug 2006 18:47:26 GMT

Finally i finally got my tent in the mail! OMG its amazing! we'll set it up on saturday and take some pics at our site work day. i'm very excited about our baronial event coming up, wish you all could make it! the best event other than going to a place with lots of amazons and rhoadds cuz all the party people will be there :) it should be a good time! hopefully my tent has fixed every problem i've ever had with tents and period tents and merchant tents and all that. we'll see, it took 5 weeks almost and came all the way from the ukraine....packs up to less than what my current tent is :) very excited! oh and just FYI so you all can stop wondering and asking too many early questions... we are officially trying :) we'll see how long it takes to stick ROFL. hence the pic, that is jess and she is a daughter to a friend of ours down here in Ansteorra. she spent the week with us at Lilies war this year. and was good practice for me :) Hope you all had fun at Pennsic! Cheers! Mirabelis

happy happy birthday!

Mirabelis — Wed, 02 Aug 2006 15:20:23 GMT

Ok so its that time of the year, and i'm about to have another birthday! yay for me, which means some of my other friends in my community are having birthdays as well :) Like, happy happy birthday emera! i know shes a leo :) this year for my birthday my boy has decided to take me to New Orleans, the big easy, maybe he thinks i'll be easier there :) not much going on in NOLA but the french quarter is alive and well so we're going to pump some money into the hurt NOLA economy. we're taking the bicycles and going to ride all round and see where they filmed Easy Rider and everything! its my fav movie you see, and being there with my boy is everything :) we havent taken a trip together in forever and all my SCA trips i've taken by myself are about to pay off. maybe i'll come back pregnant! its always exciting to think of a neato place to concieve.....ya baby you were concieved in the big easy! lol......anyway if anyone has any ideas on where we should go please please lemme know! i'm pretty new to NOLA and well i'll take all the advice i can get. my fingers are healing, not totally, but i can type, and do all the other things i missed out on last week :) like running water rofl. so its back to the grindstone for me, all the rest of you blokes have fun at pennsic :)

public service announcement!!!!

Mirabelis — Wed, 26 Jul 2006 15:49:34 GMT

ok so i've been trying to be good! i was all onto getting some poi made and flags and such, when i got maimed last week at work. those of you who dont know i work in a vet clinic...i love my job. but people, let me tell you....if you have a bad pet please please please beat the crap out of them young when they go off biting you, dont bring them to us public service people and let us get bit because you cant teach your pet some manners! i dont really mean beat the crap out of them, i have a bitey dog some of you may have met at lilies....but at least i tell people shes bitey and i have a muzzle just for her and all, i didnt mean that literally :), i'm not one of those that advocates pet abuse :) i got munched by two pets last week, the dog tried to take off my index finger and the cat is trying to rot off my thumb! his mouth was so nasty i'm surprised his tooth wasnt left in my finger! my doctor got munched by two different pets...it was psycho pet day which translates to psycho owner day. dont be one of those owners that lets your pets much people! i have been hurting since, cant do anything with my left hand, index and thumb got munched, so its put me right off of doing anything. to top it off we have this tropical depression hanging over us for the past 3 days, rain rain rain. i know some of you like the rain but when i am trying to get things done....sucky. i hope your week has been better than mine! not to mention i'm on 2 hard core antibiotics to keep my hand from falling off, yeast infection is to ensue i just know it. oh wait, i've been on a crazy diet trying to rid my body of parasites and candida....ridicule i tell you no yeast, wheat, sugar or dairy. i bet i dont get a yeast infection. jealous? you too can do this diet :P

Ok you asked for it....

Mirabelis — Sat, 24 Jun 2006 17:37:47 GMT

for those of you who have not had the pleasure to meet my boy, he's awesome :) taken alot of training to get him just right :) he's from New Zealand, and as he looses his accent a bit every year and becomes more Texan, he's still pretty hot! maybe one day i'll get him out to lilies :) thats my hope anyway, so that way he can meet all the special people in my life and understand what it is i am goin on about all the time!

Belly Dance and the new me :)

Mirabelis — Thu, 22 Jun 2006 17:43:45 GMT

Ok so i spin poi, big whoop. what i have noticed is that my shoulders are shot because of it so i'm moving on to other fire props, cuz i cant keep the fire away! but since theres more to notice when you are spastically spinning around in a circle is dance form. so i got this rachel brice dvd with yoga in it. i do have to say the yoga bit is pretty easy, i have huge upper body muscles, its the tone i need to work on and my dance form. I thank all the dancers out there who have given me confidence to go onto learning how to dance instead of shaking my bootie for the fun of it! Layla showed me the sword and it is my new favorite toy :) thank you, you'll get those poi moves down! Thanks to the girls in her troupe who showed me that you dont have to be the best most prettiest girl out there its all about having fun and they all looked so beautiful in their dance :) So, back to rachel brice, i met her at lilies didnt i? lol anyway the yoga bit was cheesy and easy lol, but those dance moves kicked my ass, literally! my calves, hips, glutes they all gonna be sore before the end of the 45 min workout. Still working on the 15 :) i'll let you all know when i feel like my dance moves have moved up to the 30 :)

Lilies War

Mirabelis — Thu, 22 Jun 2006 16:07:52 GMT

Well to top it off, this year's war crusade has ended on a very very good note! i had a blast at lilies, and that was to be expected! after having a horrible estrella and even worse gulf wars it was nice to top off the end of my SCA year out of my kingdom with this war. i met up with old friends, made new ones, had a great time dancing, drumming and spinning fire. what a year! i do have pics i'll get onto that as soon as i can, so you folks check back later! oh and i think my boy is going to make me wait a few more months until we start trying to have that baby.....we'll see how long he can hold out :) I love you all, thanks so much for making my last war for a while special! Cheers! Mirabelis