Requests module

Love is always complicated..
I posted a picture of the middle phase of the end result of my disagreement with my man.
We had a disagreement over manythings..slowly brewing into a blow out
I am shattered over where this wound up.
But a mans actions can hurt you alot more than the end result of him beatin your ass.
thats just the black icing on the dark bitter cake of mendacity.
He and I are very close.
but have no social life TOGETHER
He hurts me more by not including me in his life.
Not mixing me with his friends.
Going to them for advise ..when they dont know me..
asking me to be his wife
and not standing by me in times of stress,hardship
not treating me well in front of his best friend and allowing him to interfere..to insult me..to place me last in the moment.
I am expendable.
except when we are together.
He has gone from being fair to being impossible
from being open to being closed
from dedicated to our relationship to being dedicated to himself.
Im concerned for my love
hes self destructive
hes mean spirited and worse
hes become a hypocrit.
hes become unable to stay real,to be able to see himself anymore
or see me.
He was pissed about my guest and
said i was disrepecting him by having this person at my house under my current circumstanses
Over dinner he implyed I should have a disease because of my permiscuity.
I DO NOT SLEEP AROUND WITH OUT MY PARTNER.
he was rude and hurtful..repeatedly
He was being passive agressive for days
he had been attacking my self esteem recently,trying to tear me up.
he has abandoned me to deal with stuff on my own too many times broken too many promices..
I broke mine
I slapped him ,,
while he ranted on about my character...
i asked him to stop,
my period was in full effect..
still attack..
I promiced him Id never get violent with him..and hes promiced hed never hurt me,among other broken words..
I decked him for his mouth
for myself respect
for women everywhere
he was beligerent..hysterical..
He was shocked but I caught his eye with my finger..
Over the slap fight I got in three smacks before he pulled over,trying to trow me out into the street from his truck,When I wouldnt he snapped and beat me about the head and face with both hands im guessing,and then slammed my head into the truck door .
My hair was clotted with blood.
So many of you have come to me with kind words and love..
what I want clear is that I am not launching a pitty party.
I slapped Tim
Tim Griffin hit back. In fact stands by his beleif that its okay to hit back. To hit a woman
he hits harder than I do.
Only because I wasnt hitting him to be bigger-stronger-or tuffer than him.
He has the advantage over me yes,but trained fighter or not..I know my abilities,which were not in need of proving that day.
I love him
but Tim Hits Girls.
He says that everyone he talked to ( no one who knows me) says that
I deserved it.That his loss of temper was rational
Im posting this again after taking it down to go on record.
My point about our love is that its marked.
it had its problems but now
after hes drawn blood...
im sad because hes in a place beyond my grasp
I think WE BOTH FUCKED UP
WE ARE BOTH IDIOTS
be clear I do not except his behavior
We are apart
but that doesnt stop the love.
I am un willing to let him go.
But he is not the focus of my life right now.
I am more concerned with my future,
the future of HEARTH
THE BURNER TRANSPLANT PROJECT
THE AMERICAN DREAM THEATRE
My KIDS
MY FAMILY.
Ive been hurt worse by less
yes ,he could and might do it again,worse ect.
But he isnt my battle or my cause at this time
I am devastated over the dark turn our love has taken
I am sadened and discusted with what is happenening to what started out as being a worthy and amazing gentle man of good intention and honest approach
in his dealings.
I have been hit before,and probably and with a feeling of probable certainity will be hit again.
My mom has hit me harder
but like her in fact he actually repeated the same hateful rant to accompany the beating..
said the dammaging,speech.
Words hurt more
he is desarate
he is lost
and our love is colored by the bruises inside and out.
Comunication has been broken
as my heart
I am at fault for standing my ground
for not codeling
cowering
or caring to behave in the face of
abuse.
I am at fault for being in love with a human,
I slapped his eye bad enough to cause the cornia to bleed internally
I needed stitches for my head
Ive had offers from every one I know and about 20 offers to teach him manners
Thank you ..all of you
let me work some of my issues out but
if I fail at doing the smart thing,
its nice to know that you all have my back.
I speak for love
I speak for all woman
love is complicated
.

Im a sucker and he says in court that he never married me for real at Burningman.....it was as a game..a pretend thing..a random theme camp experiance...
BLOW ME!
I was wife enough to carry his ass for 7 years of sufferage.
im just not myself anymore.
someone amputated my self esteem.
nice guy..
hope I miss him on the next lifetime soul return
loving him is like stepping in poo and tracking it all over your moms new rug unaware....

the goat gloats
and hope floats..
I read last lifes poetry-so
tormentented and proseativily feral..
I was mizrebelian
now Im not
the contrast in my picture
as of late relects a certain bliss
peculiar in its poiniantacy..
Im fuckin happy.
REAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLY fuckin happy!
for the first time in a long time Ive got
it made.
No wishing for a relationship
to get steady
or even out ..
or it will be better tomarrows..upposed to ..
it really sucks right nows..
Im with some one that loves me.
me as me,and wants me aned claims me..
and all the crazy happy crap that goes with the Alchemy package..
yippppppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

My poetry was pissy and angry and great..
but i was so in HELL!!
now im not..
haha!
I think ive got something like 23 sketch books
full of addle rattle mizrebelian poetry...
probably about 21 years of lookin for my slice of bliss..
makes finding it just all that much more..
KICK ASS!!!

I want to publish my blather...

Your on like dawn
you break in many colored hues
and cleve the darkness with
sparkling blades of lightness
to penetrate my thoughts
you burst in and thrust thru illuminate and gleam
glare and scortch
and burn
till everything is revealed
no shade no shadow

your a light
that feeds with the strenth and warmth of a sun
in spectacular heat
your a glittering light that blinds
burning images of dazzeling hope
into the starving raving anxiety
that filled the
no escape from the distraction of reflected brilliance
images burned and lingers
and nothing else remains in sight
of previous vision
just the seared tattoo image
of you in my eyes
this burn sets itself
against and into
everything I see or feel
a burn scar of your presence
fore shadowed in mylife
a hypnotic pictured scene

Blind for you
nothing else remains
I blink and when your gone
What has been left is darkness
in the lack of light
flash burn
all brightness dashed-shadowed
light dankly sallowed
the lack of you
so firmly illustrated burned into me
by the void of
your shine
it leaves a strobe effect
Im left stunned and awkward
sometimes jarred and
fumbling in the darkness
feeling around like the lost
like an idiot.

yes, your that cool.

I write poetry
and blah blah blah..
prose and iamblic ramblings
And each day I move to blog some of my
inner thoughts
make what I live or had
very public..
to reveal..
BUT

Im in love with a private man
hes claimed me
engagement is on the horizon..
like a morning sun rise
ifffffffff i say yes
but the chances are pretty good
like REALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY good I more than likely will say
yup!
A great deal of what ive written is about pain and anguish Ive had in a previous life..
nothing I write now
is anything about that -
ALL of those feelings have been swallowed down
and shit out
now all I know is LOVE
swoony giggley warmth spread like
honey running thru me
a fire
a pilot flame
flickering constantly
in my heart
my heart-no longer cold..or hungery
Im bubbling over in amazement and bliss over the presense
of him in my life
I write or try to -
but its as if words have not been invented
to wrap around this love I feel.
Such a blinding releif that he wants me!..
such craziness in the idea
that after all these years of yearning
of doing with out
being told I wasnt worthy
the loss
that this man
would appear outta no where-
with stealth and a grin
hunt me down
snare me up-distract me to the point of
frenzy
make me see god
and then use these crazy key words
that are the secret
the password to my soul..
systems for self defense
systems for cynical disbeleif
and adult perseptions
melt away.........
He -(the man who scoffs and sneers at matrimony)
says the wonderous phrase ,
and as he does a thousand stars roll out like a blanket in my heart
I feel wings grow
-tickling my skin across my shoulderblades
and I am lifted as they stretch and flutter
but no
thats my heart.!
.and i am laughing..
not just like what I know as a laugh...
but it is thru my whole body like bubbles under my flesh...
and I find it IS true..
as I swoon and stagger in the light and fragranses of
serendipity..im drunk on his voise..almost disbeleiving
almost..
the words
"And We Can Go Live Happily Ever After"
are the magical words-REALLY true MAGICKAL words!
they mean the end of a story..
and the untold and wonderful beautiful
begining yet to happen
but surely
destined
Im just sappy that way
and crazy for him..
I beleive in fairytales
Im in love with Timmmmmmmmmmm
i love happy endings.

..Luna see the times we're in
but wilder love theres rarely been
I love you all
Its only once in a blue moon
you find friends and loves like these
so true and unbridaled liberators
they are the diamonds in the buff-
naked jewels in your decoder ring
they'll
save your ass when it gets rough ..
Youll fall like me n never be the same..
and then forever
feel that never theres enough
Time to spend with
all these heros and harlots round the flames
To dance wild technotropic voodoo and
scream their names
across the wide and open spaces or
whisper giggling into sacred places deep and heated
Were thick as theives
and We're all youve ever needed..
so many freaks just like you-in assorted flavors
every joke and tear -youve savored
the truth be told
Your knee deep in grade A booty and all of it is gold..

Its only once in a Blue Moon
that so many come together
when you thought the end might come too soon
and your dreams and soul might never weather
thru and daily crap is drainning you..
Grab your bullhorn and your cookies
grab your glitter and your lube
grab a log to burn
at every turn
and burn it on You Tube
we're the pirates and the poets
we're the gear heads and the geeks
we're the strippers and the fire elves
that dance to deep house beats
pass the hummas and the doobidge
slap on fur and be a goon..
drive your ass to Fire Mountain and
spin poi and paint your poon
cause were all in love with burnin shit
and we.re all in love with you..
if you join the ecco-freako-vamps
and gypsy whirly witches
doin what they do..
Before the faded facade of
earn to live
carves doom into you
like a shiv we gather
fire and feast and fuck and beats
To
Burn it and move on
we remember dancing in what really matters
come on..yes ..you can
yes you can..
e-scape before the dawn breaks lifes crewl snags
close in for the kill of your soul
The cost of common life extract its toll..
grab a mush-mellow
slap on some wings
led lights and sparkly things
snuggle down and
slide into our arms like fleesy playa coats
so comforting and warm
the details unimportant ..
fire and beauty-love and art
a magick charm against the storm..
twas Burning man who killed the boogiemonster
by putting fire up in his ass
the world turns slowly back to better times
all shitty crap will pass
with drums we circle
our hearts in tune entwined and wined
rare friends and loves
set forth from this blue moon.


Health
wealth
home
hearth
love
light
enlighten
enliven
bounty
booty
blessed
ballanced
open
eager bright
eyed
and bushy tailed
easy passage
wonder unbound
deepest connections
and answers found
directions clear-
love
luck
stealth
appriciation
intuitive inclination
gifts...
dreams come true...
This spell I wish
envoked on all of you!!
I mote it as the moon is blue..

you make the difference




forever
burn




fire and love
beneath the oaks-or on the shore
your a BURNER mutha fuckah..
from this rare moon till ever more

That I was suckered into a another hummiliating round of dissapointing behavior and gut wrenching self delusion that this "hot mover and shaker.".truely loved me..like soooooooooooooooo much,and that we were gonna be married and live happily ever after..Ive been married to him for 7 years and he denies even this title to me..he abandons us all because clearly IAM A HINDERANCE AND WORTH KEEPING ANY PROMISE TO EVER!
This man is so far superior to me,obviously I could never find a crane high enough to hoist me to the dramatic heights of his all encompassing maturity and deep awareness that I-might stand at h