Times like this...(this might be mildly depressing, I don't know yet)Tue, June 24, 2008 - 6:45 PM
Last year, I found terrific amounts of peace and harmony in basking in this idea or "world love". I bought a stunning book, "Pronoia" by Rob Brezny, I became a Hug Nation ambassador, I fell in love with the entire world! I was peaceful, I was kind to everyone and everything, I started lucid dreaming and discovered the lotus flower through it, the study of which has brought me to new realms and thought.... all that eventually brought me to the fact that my spirituality is not a thing to be feared. I was under lock and key last summer, and yet I discovered so many beautiful ways of being, ways of art through it!
Then I went back to my training, fell in love with another actor, and discovered a part of me that had been long forgotten. Sexuality.
I came across the phrase "Freedom is deciding whose slave you want to be" and I fell in love with it.
Two and a half years prior, I was entranced by a man.... he made my voice flourish, and I allowed myself to become vulnerable to his power, and I became his slave. People generally don't understand why I did this, and now I look back and realize I didn't have a choice. I was too easy. Growing up, I had been neglected and abused, everything climaxing in a horrible collage of threats, explosives and my father's suicide. After that, everyone in my family was emotionless-- I, however, became a slave to my passionate emotions. And such it was with this man. He paid attention to me! He taught me, he gave me things, and one day, he gave me a lot more than I ever wanted or bargained for. For two long years, while I started my training, he continued to dictate my every move. He manipulated me to do so my things. He dictated when I went to class, who was my friend, IF he allowed me to have friends, when I went to sleep, when I talked to him, when I'd eat, if I'd eat... the list is endless. I feared love, I feared sexuality. I feared pretty much everything, I even feared him, but I could not get out of his clutch. There was a safety to it. It was constant... Some days, he made me feel like I was nothing, others everything. He oft expressed desires to kidnap me, to take me to mexico and make love to me on all the beaches. Half of me completely believed him, the other half despised him.
I call these the "Trance" years. I don't remember half of what happened, what I did, or what he said. In the middle of telling things to the proper authorities, I would blank. The memory would be gone.
And now? Through much love and adoration, many nights of being held on the couch, and lots of conversation I am able to hold me own sexually, please my man accordingly and *gasp* ENJOY being pleasured. I honestly never thought that would happen.
In love, I give myself to my man. That's ok with me. I'm a woman. But why I love that phrase, freedom is deciding whose slave you want to be... I love it because I do get to choose!! People don't realize, I find, how amazing freedom of choice is until they've lost it.
Several months of courtship and laughter, finally we became a couple, and we continued to be blissfully in love. I gave him everything, made him tea every day, put letters in his mail box, went to the hospital because I started birth control for him and my body (....I thank my family for intermarrying all the time...) did not agree with it and I fainted and vomited and yadayadayada... We were so kind to eachother... we did Faire together and he had a ball pulling me away from all the lovely flirtatious men. He was very protective and dominant (which I loooooove).... good times. Make me smile
and now we're apart, we're not exclusive again (read: he has mega testosterone issues), and I'm MEAN. I'm flat out bitchy to people, and I can't believe it.
Where did this come from?
Should I embrace it or should I mask it?
Perhaps I should just be silent.... a horrible task, given my love of words.
Maybe getting back into theatre will make me a better person. I automatically become nicer when I'm working and have something actually work FOR.
Excuse me while I get back to my needlework and letter writing. It's all I do these days. Poke my finers with the needle and burn them on the sealing wax.
With all the love in the world,
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I have read this over a few times…. We don’t really know each other, and yet… you really shared some very intimate parts of yourself. For that I thank you.
What should you do? That is so very difficult. It would seem that all your life (at least as far as I can tell from what I have just read), you have had to hide who you really were. Everything you did… was for someone else. Sure, you finally found someone who let you enjoy being you, but as you said, it was still at their own discretion. And now… you are finding yourself lashing out…your mind and soul are searching to discover who you are. You said you are finding yourself being bitchy to people. Well… for years.. of being controlled, it would seem that your persona is not allowing it anymore. That is why people are bitchy.. because things are not (in your mind) exactly as they should be. You have been under others’ ideas of “the right person” now… you have to discover for yourself what “The right person” really is. Anyone who does not LET YOU fit in that mold in your mind’s eye may be someone you end up bitchy to. Oh well. I have a feeling… that all of your emotions and all of your desires will sort themselves out. Be aware of things going on inside you. Be aware of the way you are acting. And just question (as you are doing right now) is this the way you really want to be at this moment. If the answer is no, then change, if for the moment, you feel like being bitchy.. well hell… for the first time…
You are in control. Congrats.