My Blog

I'm keepin on goin'!

Pandora — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 14:57:05 GMT

This week was difficult. I was still struggling with being in a new city and having to start from the beginning again afraid it won't turn out the way I want it to. And wednesday I had a really bad day. It was supposed to be a day to do the full workout cause it was wednesday but I could not with everything I had to go through. Alot of anger, frustration and sadness came out all in the day and all of a sudden I felt this amazing quiet come over me when everything had been so loud. I felt more there in my body and more awake. I credit the outpouring to doing my first real yoga session for 2 hours straight in a long time. I had been following along with a dvd so I could focus on perfecting some standing poses. But it's not the same as doing it yourself on your own. You get into it so much more that the real work of yoga can take it's effect on your nervous system and on your energy flow. I did the workout I would've done on wednesday on thursday instead and yesterday I did a little over an hour of yoga then bellydance drills then the walk away the pounds dvd with the stretchie for 2 miles. Altogether it took me about three hours to do. And whats great is that today I have the energy to do the fifth workout of the week . My body feels energized and alert, ready to go. Today I'm doing yoga first which I find works best, then i'm teaching my "partner" yoga, then we're doing the Ripped 1000 together. Later we hope to go to the second hand bookstores nearby and take a look around. we are now almost completely cleaned our from all of the ruddy things that happened with out move. It tallies up to an extra $1000 that had to be spent. But we wanted to get here so it was worth it.

July 17,2008

Pandora — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 18:34:23 GMT

Today I did a budokan dvd that I've had for awhile which is a mixture of a yoga practise and martial arts movements. Then I did Stott Pilates Core Challenge with Moira which I found recently at the salvation army down the road. I liked it's pace and there were some moves that weren't on the Winsor Pilates dvds that I have. I have the Pilates book but it's easier for me to follow along with a dvd or instructor rather than from a book. To get anything from a book that teaches exercise moves it takes alot of study to remember them so aren't constantly referring back to it while trying to have a workout. It can be frustrating. I enjoyed Moira's style of teaching including her enthusiasm level and energy. I find some pilates instructors to be a little too crazy about pilates. They seem a whole lotta gaGA over it! Bonkerz! I like exercise instructors of any discipline to be down to earth even if they are wacky and weird. I don't like excessive exercise personalities like that guy with the thick neck that says ,"It's technique!!!" That's too obsessive and totally pumped with steroids and speed on acid! I always find pilates to have great effects but I've had trouble keeping them consistent. I have enough dvds and videos now to keep my routine from getting boring so I'm less likely to fall of the horse. This week I have successfully had a workout routine everyday including today. Last week I skipped Thursday and made it up on saturday taking Sunday off. I feel my entire my body was worked well but not over-done. Tomorrow I think I'll do Kathy Smiths Matrix Method. My wish list as of late is 1. The new Industrial bellydance dvd 2. Melodias and Garter Pants! Those are something to go GAGA over! 3. Exercise clothes, pants and exercise tops 4. Tribal kuchi arm bracelets! The spiky ones! 5. Tattoos on the front and side of my calves, for-arms and hips 5, Faux dreads of varying colors 6. Our very own r powered house in the country with a beautiful big yard with trees, overgrown grass and wild flowers.

Later July 16th

Pandora — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 16:41:46 GMT

I just did yoga and then I followed it up with Jillian Michaels 30 day Shred. I am impressed with her dvd as well and with doing yoga first rather than last if I want to do any kind of real yoga workout. Usually when I do yoga instead of being geared up to whatever in the day like I'm supposed to it has the opposite affect on me regardless of whether I did it at the end of a complete workout or before. For a little while afterwards I feel like," Oh man I don't want to do nothin! I just wanna lay here and bliss out in shavasana all day!" But once I get going with something like cardio, bellydance or strength training I am alert and energized to take on the rest of the day without drudgery. This is how it works for me. I don't know about anyone else. I've known some yogis to hate the idea of running but thats strange because running is one of the most natural of activities that we as a species no longer have to do for our survival on a daily basis. At least not to be eaten by something or to hunt something so we can eat it. Pavement is unnatural though and because we are not used to supporting our bodies full time in these activities on soil with no shoes we are accustomed to needing support to absorb the shock. Which reminds me that i should get some new shoes... right now I have droplets of sweat pouring down my back. Good workout and it's sunny and clear 28 degrees day here in Halifax. The kind of day where I want to travel somewhere beautiful like to a beach and as I said bliss out. Now I'm going to go have a shower!

July 16,2008

Pandora — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 12:48:00 GMT

I feel better today after watching Friends which make me laugh and having my two cups of green tea and my cup of coffee.I like the effects of the combination of them. Today I contacted my yoga teacher from the ytt I took a couple years ago that I didn't get to finish. It's always at the back of my mind and I want to finish it. i hate leaving things unfinished. So I told her I wanted to work something out with her to start it back up again this fall. I'm also thinking of trying for a job at salvation army which is just down the road from me. Only like 1-3 minutes. I love the convenience that would be to work somewhere so close by. And it's clean. Some second hand stores like the one I used to work at are horrible for someone with allergies like me. And they don't play christian rock music! Another bonus! The one in fredericton was always playing that sappy stuff. I was always trying to faze it out when I would drop in there. To me going to second hand stores is like a kid going to the toy store. But at least when i was in there there wasn't alot of clothes I thought were all that which is good because when I work somewhere with great clothes that are especially unique I can't hold myself back and then I spend most of the money i earn so it's more like I'm working for awesome clothes then. I am totally soar from the last two days in my arms. I am surprised though that my legs and abs don't feel it as much. I did the tae boe yesterday , crunch abs dvd, and ariellahs dvd which is awesome for drills and practising keeping the arms up. Ariellahs is my favorite for repeating drills because she spends alot of time on them and has lots of different drills on the same dvd. Then at elinors class lastnight we did alot of keeping the arms up in the "vulture" position. I'm happy with how well I did with all I had done that day and the day before but I did begin to feel the sweat trickling down my chest and a little waterfall cascading down my spine. I was wearing a pair of fishermans pants I have because the only exercise pants I have are too long and totally full of sweat. But as it turned out I didn't make sure to put them on evenly because my left pant leg kept getting in my way and screwing me up a little. Plus I think they don't look as crisp as melodias! Nothing beats them! My goal for this week is to finish one of my belts that has the red and black yarn and the corset belt. I asked elinor about it cause I wasn't sure if somethings I had been thinking of would work well with it. She thought it looked similar to one of Tempests. Which is of course flattering but I don't want to copy anyones costuming completely. Attention: Sorry Tempest! I really didn't mean for it to look like anyones. It's not finished yet so by the time it's finished it will hopefully just look similar rather than a copycat costume. Well, on to yoga and then some "shredding" If I do yoga first I'll be sure to get it in otherwise at the end of strength training I just won't wanna do much yoga at all. Enough to stretch out some but not enough.

Later July15th...

Pandora — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 02:08:39 GMT

Every now and then I lose confidence in myself and super criticize myself. Today got to be one of those days for me. Once I get going it's hard to stop. But at least I am not critical 100% of the time. I motivate myself all the time. Just sometimes I get too serious and forget about the important reasons for why I do anything. Either for fun, or health. I have totally tried to not only accept the way i look but to feel really good about it. Sometimes it's not really an issue. Other times I think I'm distorted and mishappen with the shape of my jaw which is longer on one side and of course my crowded teeth and the thick part in my back where the scoliosis will always show. Also being new to this city I'm isolated and haven't built any roots here that are very strong yet. We haven't even been here a month and it takes a long time to build strong bonds or any momentum with anything like being a dancer or artist. Sometimes I'm totally impatient with myself that I'm not doing enough. This is when I forget that I'm doing what I want to do and that is what i decided to do. I decided to do what i wanted for awhile even if it meant no big accomplishments. I chose this just so I could give myself a rest from always being on my back about getting somewhere with whatever. It's impossible to enjoy anything when i think like this. Like I'm racing against the clock. I hate thinking like this when I should be getting to sleep! Time to sign off and get a good nights sleep! Especially after the 5 hours I got lastnight.

July 15, 2008

Pandora — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 13:07:20 GMT

For those of you who have acne problems as an adult I feel your pain. As a teen I was blessed with the odd zit which I loathed but when i turned 18 somehow they miraculously started popping up just when they should be never seen again. I have been using the acne kit from sea ora since september last year. I was happy with the results and now I have run out of it and am waiting for the shipment to come in. But because I couldn't wait I got aubrey organics5 for oily skin at superstore. I used aubrey organics 4 before. I was happy with the results of this brand as well but I have found that after awhile after using a product that makes my skin look and feel great after awhile I look and feel ruddy. It's just proof pf the fact that there is no cure, no fantastic perfect product out there. The body needs diversity in lots of ways. The skin just gets polluted by absorbing the same ingredients everyday for months. My ears which I have had problems with the past year are finally getting back to normal...mostly. I still can hear my heartbeat in my right ear and still have less hearing but at least it doesn't pop when I'm doing cardio anymore. While working at jinglers the second hand clothing store my ears were so itchy deep inside it drove me nuts. I felt like a cat with ear mites. I thought it was wax build up so I had some ear candling done but it was done too much too close together and boy am I staying away from ear candling! The night before xmas eve last year I woke up at 2 or 3 am with a horrible ear ache. Enough to moan. Luckily Brennan was still awake and took care of my ear. He's always been really sweet that way. I went to the doctor and found out it was just that I was irritated from all the allergens at jinglers that I had been exposed to and it was enough to effect my ear canals. The problem with my left ear is that last fall there were some loud people next door and they were being loud and partying until early in the morning. So I had those moldable ear plugs in my ear. When I woke up to get them out I ended up mistakenly pushing a bit of it into my ear as I was partially awake. Haven't wanted to use them since. And though they block sound well they easily get into your hair. Stupid things.... I was up at about 5 this morning to hear my cat Hestia rowing outside our bedroom door. I just couldn't get back to sleep. So I got up and had some tea and read Bitten. Today I do cardio of some kind, abs, bellydance and yoga. Tomorrow I will either do the ripped 1000 workout again or try one of the others. Still no damn word on the sink for the kitchen or the mirror for the bathroom or the door knobs. My art room door won't shut which defeats the purpose for me having my very own art room so I tied it shut with the cable cord hanging from the wall nearby. hestia is prone to puking up her food often and I noticed this morning that she puked in MY ROOM! I was mad! But I am glad it wasn't on a painting or on any of my supplies. Just a few old folders that I used to apply to mount allison. I didn't get in anyway last year. But before I found out I had already decided on not going. Still it pissed me off the crap they put me through when I went down their to pick up my stuff. I was told someone would be there to help me get my stuff. Noone was there and we had travelled from fredericton to sackville for all of my art. We waited around for about an hour before we saw anyone and another hour ontop of that before anyone who knew anything couple me get my things so I could just leave! made me think less of them cause I had even followed up with an e-mail asking if the date and time I was coming in would be good for them. And they were like "yeah sure" It was meant to be. I'm really not enough of puppy dog to hang on their every word and criticism of my work. Nor am I snotty enough to play their holier than thou artist games. After the craft school I really didn't know what to do about art. I wanted to develop it and do it but I really didn't feel it belonged in traditional galleries. I didn't want snobs on front of it or play along snobs trying to gain some status by being in the gallery and trying to talk the talk which is both pathetic and a bore. I still don't have the answers of where but I now have my space to do it in and to store it in. A place to develop it without any infiltration of competition or opinions that don't really matter. I want it uninterrupted and it to not be anyone elses experience but my own. Of course I would love something to come of it someday. For them to be displayed somewhere or part of something unique that I haven't even thought of or found yet. I also need to take the time to find out how to prime a canvas the vegan way. I like canvases and I enjoy acrylic paints. I also enjoy the consistency the acrylic gel creates but that has animal stuff in it. It's everywhere and in everything! I can only do my best with what I know now to be true and the resources that I have available to me and to keep researching.

July 14, 2008

Pandora — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 12:34:58 GMT

Today I tried a new dvd I found called Ripped 1000. It was challenging. I did the best I could to modify the moves without having a step for the cardio sections. Before that I did Sharon Kiharas dvd which I hadn't done in awhile. I already showered, now I feel and smell like I need another shower! I feel great though and I look forward to trying the other two dvds I found. I think Ripped 1000 will be my favorite though because all of the people in the video are in impeccable shape, there is no cheesy crap that sometimes leaks into excercise videos which is fun to laugh at but makes it hard to concentrate on your workout or to keep coming back to it because it irritates you so god damned much! When I do the others I'll talk more about them. I did watch them yesterday though. Kathy Smith is bubbly as usual which in a way lightens the mood but is still kinda irritating. But the exercises look great! I think it will be effective. We'll see if I think it's very effective. The third is called 30 Day Shred by Jillian Michaels. Said to be the toughest tv trainer. Again the exercises look great and that they will reap results. But I always feel like there is a lack from every discipline. For example yogis are flexible and strong but the strength is different than if you do martial arts,pilates or weight training for instance. Then some weight trainers have focused on bulging their muscles so much they have little flexibility. I want a balance. To have great endurance for strength, cardio and holding stretches in yoga. To me one without the other just isn't health. It's nice and foggy today. May seem weird but I enjoy fog and rainy days. They're cozy days to read and drink peppermint tea, my favorite. I have a couple books on the go. I failed at trying to keep myself to one book until it's finished. I'm reading The Witching Hour still because it's just nor captivating me like her Vampire Chronicles. They rock! I started reading Bitten this morning written by Kelley Armstrong. I like her writing style. It flows very well. Haven't gotten too far but i am drawn in by how she develops the main character. Also been reading The Whole Woman by Germaine Greer which I am further along into. It's got me thinking which is a good thing and I like her writing. From reading her book along with things I had already been thinking and wondering about I have come to about a 95% conclusion that I don't want to give birth. There is a 5% left that actually is quite strong despite all the rest that goes into the 95% of not wanting to. It's something I'll have to think about more. I'm 28. I still have some time to have one that is of me and brennan if we decide that is what we want but right now it isn't. For the future mostly no but maybe. Physically I don't know if I can. With all the weight on the back from pregnancy I would be in real pain because the scoliosis is in the lower part of the back for me. I could still do yoga with modifications. But then after giving birth there would be so much bending, leaning, lifting and standing up for a child. I was in a day care for 1-2 weeks before. I know how it hurt and at the time I thought everyone had the back pain like I did and that I was being sissy. I just didn't know then that I had scoliosis. I quit that job because it hurt my back and I hated changing so may diapers in a row. I did develop bonds with a few of them. Hayden was especially tall for his age and had a cute laugh and beautiful blue eyes. He'd laugh "hee heeeee" I have always felt bad for leaving but it hurt so much working there. Around that time I started modelling for the craft school in Fredericton which didn't hurt as bad but over the years I have begun to loathe nude modelling for drawing classes. And because my back is the way it is and the fact I know now when I didn't at first I'm just not willing to do the things I used to that caused pain. So I got to be a boring model. So what?! I would gladly to nude modelling for photos any day than deal with the pain of live drawing classes. I am happiest while I am working out, doing yoga, dancing or walking and then right afterwards when my muscles are all loose, and warm I feel great. I also feel capable like I can do something. it's the working out physical health movements that are best for me rather than any activity like heavy lifting like stocking shelves or standing as a cashier. My goal is to eliminate as much pain as possible out of my lower back and in my body. to do that I am staying active everyday except for the weekend. But if I miss a day during the week for whatever reason I'll make it up on the saturday. I also noticed that vanilla almond milk is actually a bit more fattening than the original and especially more than the unsweetened. So after we use up the cartons we have we are switching to the unsweetened. I love my coffee with some sugar. Not refined white sugar. But today I had my coffee without and sugar and just the silk soy creamer which I love! Lastnight for supper I had barbecue potatoes with presidents choice mock steak strips with red onions. They are really good, close to the real thing with a bit of a difference in the consistency but it's o.k. I also made a salad with mixed greens, avocados, tomatoes, walnuts, green onion, basil, oregano, dijon mustard, pepper, olive oil, sesame seeds, flax seeds, a little green pepper and cucumber. For a smoothie I put 8 ice cubes, chunks of pineapple, orange juice, 1 frozen banana and about 8 or more frozen strawberries. The consistency was soooo smooth which we ate with spoons! For those of you interested in some good recipes try vegweb.com You won't regret it!

July 12,2008

Pandora — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 16:27:32 GMT

Trying to sum up the energy to get some things accomplished today. Would like to get the rest of the stuff organized and put away. I hate not having a kitchen sink! The guy who was supposed to put it in lastnight was admitted to the hospital. Probably won't get a sink for awhile... I hope next weekend to beable to get to a nice park or trail in or near halifax but it has to be by bus cause we no longer have a car. I miss having a car! I also want to do a bit of cardio today, some ab work and yoga. I've been totally obsessed with mohawks and faux hawks lately so I've been styling my hair into a faux hawk or semi faux hawk. I've had it higher on other days. I have trouble not blinking with digital cameras....

July 11, 2008

Pandora — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 16:36:42 GMT

We are here in our new apartment and the hell we had to go through to get here. We had rented a uhaul truck but they had ones that were late coming in and they did not get back to us when they said they would. luckily we got a truck from discount but the roof was full of holes which we had to patch up as it was raining the day we were moving. My back couldn't handle more than a couple of hours of lifting heavy boxes so i did the cleaning of the kitchen. We ended up leaving late because brennan was the only one moving everything after my back said no more. We got to halifax at 2:30 am. The cats handled it pretty well. I thought mitten would be way worse but he wasn't. Because we got here so late we had to wait for the landlord to come and let us in as well as the movers we hired to help. So we finally had something to eat at tim hortons and broke our vegan rule. There wasn't much else available. We hadn't eaten all day except for breakfast and a couple of poppyseed crackers. Then we sat in the truck and plugged in my lap top and watched an episode of friends which is my favorite sitcom. Frasier comes in as a close second. But friends really makes me laugh. We dozed off an on in the truck and finally the movers were here to help move stuff. I hid in what is now our bedroom ashamed and embarassed to not help. But i knew the truth. My back can't handle it and it has nothing to do with me being lazy or lacking in strength. But I still hate having to be a " girl " But whatever. I heard later that one of the movers didn't know we had bunnies at the back of the truck hidden by boxes then when he moved one of them and saw something move it freaked him out! HAHA! The big buff mover jock dude got scared of a wittle bunnie wabbit! I LOVE IT! Then right after everything was unloaded we had to hurry the discount truck back to fredericton because they had no drop off centres for one way trucks here in halifax and we had to get there on time to catch the bus back to halifax. All in all we had done alot of driving back in forth in a short amount of time and the move cost alot. I came with to make sure brennan stayed awake and it's good i did too cause once he passed a transport truck and he misjudged how fast to go. He was going a l;ittle slower than he should've been and i saw the truck in the rearview mirror strating to go off the road to get out of the way of the ass on our truck. He didn't go off thankfully but he wasn't to impressed as I wouldn't have been either. He honked his horn. Then when we were back finally brennan parked the truck right against another truck and we almost got in trouble for the scratch that was already on the side of the truck. But it was on our papers that it was there when the truck was picked up and there was no extra damage. We only just got the bus back to halifax and cause we hadn't eaten since early in the morning around 3 or 4 am we had some chips and water from the machine. When we got to moncton we got a dark chocolate bar and some peppermint tea to sooth nerves. We dozed off and on and finally got to our apartment in halifax around midnight. Cats were glad to see us and I was exhausted laying in our bed with the mess all around and the bed not put together. Oh well, I didn't care. i was happy to have had a nice shower finally and a warm bath before i got into bed. There was and still is no mirror in the bathroom. Lastnight the counter in the kitchen was re-done. looks great but he was here late doing it and he was given tools by the landlord that didn't work so he kept using brennans tools. Then he's waiting for the landlord because he had arranged with him to drive him home. So this guy who was working for the landlord obviously under the table had no way of getting home. And I mean under the table in two meanings. Working under the table as a non professional not affiliated with any business or organization in the area and today i find he drank almost half of an unopened bottle of dry gin that i was planning on having this weekend. Now it's been opened and obviously his dirty alcoholic greedy mouth was all over it I don't care to drink from it at all! And you can bet on me being totally pissed off with him and especially our landlord! We have only been here just over a week and already we are thinking of moving out and finding another place. This time we are hiring professional movers because the amount we paid these stupid lugnut movers was too much for the job they did. They got it all in here but it wasn't organized well to get too anything and as it turned out it didn't make it much easier for my back either which is why we hired them. I didn't have to bring anything up the flights of stairs to the third floor but a heavy cage with my cats in it and the other cages with my bunnies but the way it was organized I had no room properly to move the way i need to and handle boxes the way i need to. It was hell and not everything is unpacked yet. Most of it is though and Monday this week I had had enough. So on MOnday tuesday wednesday I did yoga, bellydance, cardio kickboxing and weights cause my body so needed it! and on those days I did no unpacking or organizing. On top of no mirror and the incident lastnight there is no sink in our counter and they better have it today! The dorr knob on my art room comes off and the door won't close. I wanted that room so it would be mine which means my space. No cats coming in to manipulate me when they want food by knocking my things over and coming in putting hair all over everything! And because the tools were not the alcoholics but owned by the landlord he left them in a big ugly garbage can in my doorway! WTF! There are other door and door knob problems as well as the cabinet doors in the kitchen not closing and the plumbing under the sink in the bathroom was leaking on all my stuff! It's a new sink and obviously cheap plumbers like this alci from lastnight. CHEAP! Landlord knows all this and we are looking into the laws for nova scotia but i know that with the gin being stolen it's my word against their's. I haven't been around halifax much since we moved cause of all the unpacking and feeling like crap and it took us awhile to get a bus system schedule. I did go to uberwench's tribal 1 on tuesday. It's great to be back in bellydance classes and to learn something new and most of all to have hope again to be a performer and a circle of people that support each other including me. My goals are to work on the different peices of costume i have planned and to get in the best shape i've ever been in my life while maintaining that level. My goal is to seriously beable to defend myself and disable my attacker from causing me any harm. I don't believe in being gentle with rapists or murderers. On our way up here for brennans interview we almost went off the road into the ramp. After that I decided to take a serious look at how much of my time and energy I had been wasting on useless and idiotic belief systems. I agree with having compassion and in non harming but I will not take it as so far as to not swat a mosquito on my body or a rapist that threatens to intrude. I do not believe in god as parent the way alot of fools believe. God is not a parent. To me god is not even more supreme than human beings because if humans are so fallible and evil as well as good and if everything in existence is god then that means humans and everything are parts of god interacting with itself in a multitude of ways. I don't believe in preparing myself for the afterlife by believing what others say to be true which are only big brother tales told to an innocent and naive little sister. I am going to focus on now, this life, my art and on enjoying myself and not letting one person drag me down with their ego or unhinged psychotic systems of belief. I don't believe in enlightenment and I don't beleive anyone who calls themselves enlightened is any better than the rest of the human race. they just have alot of arrogant balls to assume such a thing and they have alot of followers. And i am repulsed by any religion that professes to have it's ways then to lie and hide things beneath the surface of their enlightened lifestyle. But I suppose that is what religions are about if you don't put any blinders over your eyes.I live to truly be free. Not to think i'm free within another false system of control. These systems are suffocating. So why did I go on so long even when I renounced these things enough times before seeing through it the way I did? Because i felt i had to go back to it because I felt I had nothing to hold onto. I had to have faith in something and something to put my energy towards and once u put enough energy towards something you don't want to give it up. You become stubborn enough to try to make it work even if it never will. I at least never had real cult leaders playing with my mind but all of the stuff I read an played with were tactics of cults to get followers for their own fame and power. A buddhist knows that to renounce money and to speak of ethics and kindness as well as spiritual purpose are what would get him followers in this day and age because it is a revolt against western civilization and all it stands for. the people of this culture want an escape, a way out even if they have to live here. A buddhist also knows that having the masses beleive u to be a supreme enlightened human being is more powerful than a man with money who can lose it. Once a man has control over people and what they think, even with how they live their lives he has more power than the man who can lose all of his money over night. Belief and faith are not so shakable or impermanent as money. I found a book on cults at a seconhand store in fredericton which describes the tactics to a t except the book was written before the internet got bigger and all the quacks out there could have a voice and influence people who felt uncertain about their roles in life or were in a shakey spot in their lives. I had the perfect background to search out cult like beleif systems that would take me over and change me because i thought that was what I was supposed to do. Suddenly with that car almost going off the road and only just stopping in time for our safety I questioned everything I had ever allowed others to shove down my throat and everything I shoved down my own. I was always waging for something. That if I made myself right and good then my life would be good and what I felt to be a bad long line of events would stop. I believed in karma eventhough I always resisted the idea. I beleive in doing good for others but I now have this belief without the word karma and my past or future lives attached. I still believe in reincarnation, souls and different levels of reality. But I do not believe in systems of power or anyone to come along who will try to save me or change my beleifs. Anyone who does is a nut and I will simply ignore u rather than give away any more of my energy. For anyone who wishes to pat me on the head with some new age jargon go ahead. It won't be paid any attention to and will be deleted. And I do not apolagize for the fact that i do in fact have a life

Halifax Nova Scotia?

Pandora — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 13:31:21 GMT

Brennan was contacted yesterday for an interview with iwk! Keep your fingers crossed! Today I made vegan scrambled tofu and a yummy smoothie with 10 ice cubes, 1 banana, bunch of strawberries, little pineapple juice, silk coffee creamer, and vanilla almond milk. Was very yum!

Kingston Ontario?

Pandora — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 17:29:10 GMT

Haven't been on here in awhile. Been reading and practising. Yesterday I made a reese smoothie. Turned out well but I would like it thicker. Maybe next time I'll use silken tofu or frozen bananas. Last Friday we went to erin and joey's place and had a vegan dinner. Then we played balderdash. Balderdash is always fun! The day before that I taught them bellydance and then erin aught yoga in odell park which was really nice. I don't usually do yoga outside. And now that my schedule has been more consistent the cumulative effect of the yoga is felt more. I m intrigued with kundalini yoga and want to get into it more. I have a dvd by gurumk...not sure if that is spelt right...hehe. Right now my hair is up in a plastic bag from the colora henna dye. It's going black again. I still have cherry bomb special effects hair dye which I think I'll put in after this dye fades. Or I'll try a pink which I haven't had in my hair much. Once I had a couple of chunks of pink and purple. I don't remember what brand it was. But special effects is great. Colora henna is good too. To some it would suck cause it fades but if you like the option of having different colored hair using this brand solves the problem of black dye usually not fading easily being hard to get rid of. This weekend I turn 28 on June 7. I've been considering myself 28 already for about a month. Brennan plans to take me on a picnic to St.Andrews by the water. I haven't been there in a long time. I mostly want to be somewhere it isn't polluted and where people are friendly, the crime is reasonably low and where there is opportunity to study different dance and yoga forms. So we aren't hell bent on Halifax. Actually we are considering Kingston Ontario. Anyone know anything about Kingston Ontario?

This is what I feel right now

Pandora — Sun, 25 May 2008 16:06:32 GMT

I want to move to Halifax so much I can't stand it! I want out of this town. I want to take classes that I can't get here and I miss how halifax feels. Here I constantly have this tension that I always try to slide off but it's pretty sticky. I am trying to live my life to the fullest here but there are huge elements missing that I can't fill myself. I need teachers and support systems. I wish that when I moved here in 2000 that it had been halifax instead. Noone said being vegan was easy. I emptied my closets of wool sweaters. But there are things I'm not so sure about. Like being a painter there are animal products in acrylic gels and on primed canvases. I have no idea what a vegan artist does when that is their prefered medium to work with. There is so much to it when you research, it's almost like pulling apart the atom and discovering all of these parts of it and then finding more and more parts that never end. It's overwhelming. I can only do my best any given day and no matter what I deserve respect. And if my best isn't good enough for a vegan that is more researched than I well then that means that they failed at supporting my lifestyle into being. Because any vegan can support a new comer by not crossing over personal boundaries. When they do cross them it only makes it harder for a new vegan to progress. Why can't people just have respect? Even some people who profess to follow buddhism or yogic philosophy have no respect for people they consider to be less enlightened than them. And how hypocritical is that? I care very much about my spirituality and to me it has nothing to do with being more advanced than others or developed as if it were about developing awesome pectorals! Why do some people think more of ascending away from the earth and all that is natural so much that they forget about compassion, respect, having belief and faith in others? Why is it that people in the name of their religion, beliefs and faith in a higher power are willing to harm another in it's name with hateful words and alienation or violence? Because people matter less to them than their so-called high and mighty principles.

Vegan Philosophy and the Beauty of Sound

Pandora — Thu, 08 May 2008 17:41:00 GMT

While I've tried to be vegetarian and vegan before I have fallen off and gotten back on, fallen off and on at different times. The reason was always the same in that it was lack of knowledge and stress I couldn't handle with everything else. But my beliefs do not change. and I am confronted with the fact again that eating any animal product even if it is so called organic and said to have been treated fairly I can't beleive that. It's a business that has to meet a quota and therefore treat their animals like a product and then when used up or useless to them is dispensed with. I am left with the conundrum of having a couple of cans of tuna in my cupboard and steak in the freezer. The harder problem is that I have clotheing that is made from animals. I've never solved this problem because it would cost alot for one. Two I wonder if it matters to buy it second hand which is where i have gotten 99% of my clothes. So this is something I am confused about. Researching products is alot of work but straightforward enough. Clotheing I already have that I got second hand is not quite as straightforward. Might be to some people. Some vegans don't want to wear these things cause it makes them look like a hypocrite. I agree but transitioning usually can't happen overnight. Maybe with food but with the dealing of past choices such as the clotheing you already have in your closet is another matter. Then I wonder if fabric at fabric ville was made in much the same way that clotheing from wal mart is made. How do I find that out? The other problem is getting B12 and enough nutrients for my level of activity. We sent for a book on veganism from amazon which deals with that topic in particular and has recipes. The thing about vegan is loads of research which I am taking the time to do overtime or else I'll burn out and fall off again. It is simply a better choice all round for health, for the environment and for my beleifs that I love animals and could never harm or kill one unless out of pure defense if I was out in the wild somewhere. The other thing is handling peoples ignorant attitudes that would themselves see me as being ignorant of reality. To beable to handle confrontations and conflict I've always wanted to avoid but it's kinda always been prevalent in my life. whether it was kids at school tormenting me because I wasn't seen as cool or because I was poor. I'm much better to handle it now I think because I am more grounded in myself and I realize that because I am what I am then it will cause that kind of reaction in people even if I'm not trying to. It is still going to upset me so I would like to handle it better and be more grounded in my self and my beliefs. It's too important to be allowed to be tipped over by someones cruel and arrogant behaviour when this is who I am. All in all I have feelings and would rather get along with people but I'm really not asking for a fight. But it would be nice to develop the reaction of laughing whole-heartedly in their face whenever someone thinks they can cut me down as to resort to belittling tactics. The more they hate, the more I'd laugh cause it would only be a reminder to me that they have no true power. I understand the beliefs behind eating meat. But I understand the beliefs behind not eating meat which means I can not go on blindly. The other issue is travelling in that it's very hard to be vegan when traveling. There is more info about it out there now than there was some years ago so that is something else to look into before they day comes when I have the opportunity to travel. Among other things this week off the topic I've been playing guitar almost everyday again like I used to and have learned some new songs. I need new pics and to keep up with it everyday if I can. My goal is to have the same endurance with it as I have with doing bellydance drills which came pretty close yesterday. Music has been stagnant so long with me. It's so much better to have it come to life. I love dancing to music and at times I am truly in it but there is always something missing. To me making the music is what is the best. Making it and having it all flow together in it's completion. Dance comes in at a very close second but it's just not the same as making the music which is for me at the root. For me from sound all things come. When I dance or do art I love to have the music to accompany me with my process or when I clean it makes it so much better to do. Or music while I do cooking and baking. I even do yoga to music but because it's not the same as doing yoga in silence I generally prefer to do yoga and meditation in silence. Silence after all is part of what makes sound rich and dance a mystery of the soul. Silence can create a deep intimacy with people or with a process as well as sound can if the intention is there. Constant sound with no ebb to the flow wouldn't speak anything and would be unnatural to the fluctuations of life.

Up and down, back and forth...who am I...where am I?

Pandora — Mon, 05 May 2008 20:29:35 GMT

I normally try to be positive and to have a healthy outlook on life. I try to not be mad about petty things like when someone says something mean and stupid too me or being a know it all. After awhile even with a committed effort I somehow end up feeling suffocated and that it is not allowing me to be myself. That some crucial part of my energy is being held down. Although I've been practising different things and believing in myself to improve I have an emptiness as I always have. An emptiness I've tried to fill with spirituality of one kind or another. Or finding different ways to express myself or of learning different things. I'm really afraid of not making it anywhere with anything and that no matter what I do that what I wish to achieve will go down the drain before it's become anything. Sometimes I don't think this way and I am content with where I am at to some degree. But even in the background I always want to be somewhere else in my life like where I am at now is all wrong. I really don't like feeling so hopeless but I at least hope that this feeling will go away and that there are better things around the corner. That is what I always do. I try to have blinde faith for the future that I won't meet people that will shit on me just because they want to. It's something I can't control yet new age beleifs say that if these things happen then we attract them! Sorry but another persons arrogant ignorance is not my responsibility!

Playin with moi toyz!

Pandora — Mon, 05 May 2008 02:36:33 GMT

Today I played zills, poi, staff, pole, doumbek and guitar plus I did some drills. I practised playing street spirit by radiohead and had the patience to understand the rhythm. I also played d-7 by nirvana. I haven't been playing as often as I'd like but that is another thing I want to make a habit along with poi, pole, staff, yoga,meditation and bellydance. Most of the time I don't have the mental stamina to concentrate in one day on all these things that take alot of patience and concentration. But today I told myself, "Go and go!" The only thing I didn't do is art. But it seems I'm getting better at making all of these things a habit into my daily life slowly but surely adding something new, getting used to it and then adding another. I've always wanted a band and to put out c.d's, and to design the covers. It's a dream that has never died no matter what has been going on in my life. The other night when I went out to the Marquis they were giving out prizes. I got a free blue hula hoop!!!!

A goal of better health with change of diet and sleeping schedule

Pandora — Fri, 02 May 2008 02:09:22 GMT

Lastnight when I was playing my tibetan singing bowl my cat hestia came along and put her cold wet nose on my elbow and sniffed for a long time and then she wandered around the bowl. She seemed to like the sounds it makes lot. Although she hates zills. Tonight I made some vegan banana bread. Turned out good and I plan to try all kinds of great recipes I found on vegweb.com I'm not vegan or even vegetarian but I'm trying to make an effort to eat considerably less meat. Learning how to make tofu palatable is a plus because eating nothing but beans is a bit much if you know what I mean... I tried being vegetarian before and even a type of vegan. I say a type of vegan because I kept using honey on peanut butter sandwiches and things like that. I also wore shoes with leather and sweaters made of wool. I wasn't about to get rid of my wardrobe. I love wool sweaters which I find second hand so that makes it better than buying directly from a business with no ethics towards animals. So I went back to eating meat cause I was always hungry and eating all the grains and beans were giving me pains in my stomach at different times. It was horrible! I also found it hard to concentrate and understand directions to do thins at school which was embarassing. I thought I must be stupid...but after research I found that it backed up what I thought. That I needed meat. After I ate I felt alot better. Eventually I'd like to make a goal of eating chicken or red meat once a month and fish maybe once a week or less. I believe that some can handle being vegetarian or vegan better than others. I'm not one of them but eating met doesn't go along with my beliefs or who I am. I also know that eating alot of meat isn't healthy for most people. I say most because everybody is different. Looks like I'm down to one student now. I am not going to try to get more as I am moving the end of July and would like to just be a student again. It's the third time I've moved in 2 years. Three summers in a row I'll have moved and I hope it will be a cooler day this year but that is probably impossible for July of course. I hope to have people help us move into our new apartment as my back doesn't handle bending over and standing up while lifting things continuously very well. Bellydance and yoga yes but janitorial or repetitive bending no. I hope to get a job at a book store. Maybe an occult bookstore or second hand. I'm very nerdy how I love books but i think it's a good thing even if sometimes I let it be too much of a good thing. I'm reading Mists of Avalon still. It'll be the third or fourth time now... I think. I'm also reading some books written by deepak chopra that I got at the library. One book of his is on health and talks about ayurveda which I've been curious to know more about for awhile. I believe that every personality type needs a specific balance of foods for different seasons for that person to feel well and "on" as I would call it. Most of the time I feel a little off and I'm always trying to find the right balance of foods. Part of it is that I need to keep to a schedule of eating and sleeping at regular times. I've only been able to accomplish this for a short while. When I did i did feel better. I'm naturally a night owl which throws my whole day off as well as my energy level the next day. For some reason around eleven to midnight I get a second wind and I feel like doing more whether reading or whatever. Somehow I think maybe it's because I'm not distracted by the sounds around me as much or even by the light outside. But I still don't know why. Some people do better staying up late and getting up late but I find it stresses me out to do it that way. Speaking of which, it's time to go to bed!

Meditation, reading and pets

Pandora — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 14:25:25 GMT

I meditated this morning. I actually woke up early and didn't feel too bad eventhough I fell asleep at 1:30am. Been reading Tao of Physics which I've never gotten around to finishing. And a book I got second hand at owl's nest in good condition called Mindfulness in Plain English. Another book I've been focusing on is Ascension Magick by Christopher Penczak. For leisure reading I'm reading Mists of Avalon again. I enjoy reading it in the spring and it's my favorite of all that Marion Zimmer Bradley has written. I brushed my pets today and Mitten loves it more than any of them. gets right into it. But bun-bun who is really furry hates it the most and makes like he's gonna nip me but he never does. They're sooo kyote!

Yoga, meditation and massage practise

Pandora — Sun, 27 Apr 2008 22:57:19 GMT

Today I did yoga without a video or dvd for an hour. At the beginning I did 20 minutes of meditation and at the end 15 minutes of deep relaxation. I would like to make a habit of doing yoga everyday with a day off at least once a week and to do meditation 20 minutes twice a day in the morning and afternoon. Now that I am not working at Jinglers anymore I am in need of recalling my soul and my energy and reaffirming everyday what is important and what my priorities are as well keeping an awareness on how I'm thinking. After I was done the last of shavasana I got dressed in regular clothes and got something to eat and still felt off. So I got some cuticle oil made with ingredients from the dead sea. And it has many great oils in it and extracts that are wonderful to the skin. Yoga is wonderful but sometimes the entire body needs a massage even if it's brief. For me it's the feet and the scalp especially that respond the most to massage. I'd also like to bring this into my routine as an aspect of health and self care as well. While I was doing yoga a blue jay for a shot instant stopped on my window sill and throughout the time I practised and even now I hear the bird in the tree with his or her loud and clear twilight song. The perfect cap to this is a cup of warm peppermint tea and a bath with dead sea salts to relax the muscles.

Workshop a success!

Pandora — Sat, 26 Apr 2008 01:00:25 GMT

Workshop went really well and there were a few students interested in taking classes as well as the organizer of the workshop would like to beable to get me to come back on a regular basis. Maybe even twice a week but she needs to propose this to the group she works with thats non profit. And they are very interested in pole dancing too! Another thing when I was coming home afterwards i was just talking about how I feel bad for moving at the end of july when now I finally have things been thrown my way and to just get students started for only a couple of months and then move. But then as i was going to my door to go up the stairs to my apartment there was a girl from the building sitting outside and we said hi and then she asked if we lived "up there" and I said yeah. She asked if we play bells and i said it was zills. And she said that she loves hearing them and that it's the best part of her day! I was like,wow I always thought people were wanting me to shut up when I practise them. She was like no. And I mentioned i taught bellydance and teach right in my living room. She asked me if i would teach a friend of hers, I said yeah and I went upstairs and gave her my contact info. We'll see if anything results from any of this. I still feel bad just getting people started but I would love to have more opportunities for everything. And people in Halifax are nice and welcoming. I love the grocery store great ocean that is all organic and the restaurant heartwood is down the street on quinpool. Down from that is a small cyber cafe and then down from that is the Therapeutic approach yoga studio where I took my teacher training. Down from there is a drum shop where I got my awesome doumbek. It's pretty! And the market they have goes on saturdays and wednesdays. The yoga dvd I've been doing is Seane Cornes vinyasa flow. I did a kundalini yoga dvd the other day but I can't spell her name. But her name means " teacher of thousands across the great ocean" And she is of the sikh faith and is very well known. With everything to practise yoga had been taking less center stage. I had been doing some at the end of everything to cool down but because of doing it that way I would be to tired having used all the muscle groups before doing the yoga so alot of poses I wasn't doing as often as I used to. Now I think do yoga first, then either bellydance or cardio, then zills or poi, then poledancing or cross training, then cool down. I also have a Shiva re Yoga dvd that I'd been doing. I enjoy the prana yoga section and the fact that there are different flows put together and the matrix which allows to pick and chose in what order. Overtime i'd like to build enough strength in my arms and shoulders to do a hand stand or headstand or scorpion. For pole I'd like to beable to sit on it without sliding down the pole so i can try laying back. I'm pretty much where I was before I sold my other pole over a year ago. I would love to beable train with fawnia. I cut my hair lastnight to an a-line bob with bangs. I couldn't stand the length and the shabby cheap cut anymore. I was actuallt surprised at how well it came out and it didn't take very long. I should post new pics soon. Wow it's amazing how much energy one gets from teaching a room of people....I'm all hyper!

Workshop and yoga

Pandora — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 19:54:57 GMT

I'm doing a workshop in a little over an hour for single mothers on welfare. There will be some simple yoga at the end. On the subject of yoga, I'm getting back into it more again. I've made a point to do it everyday for the last three days. I would like to keep it up cause there's nothing like it.

A quiet pre- fashion show get together

Pandora — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 15:54:58 GMT

Lastnight all the models were to get together for a meet and greet to snack on food and bring shoes and any jewellery they thought would go well with the clothing they'd be wearing for the fashion show. Because I was the only one that showed up just me, Joelle and her future hubby snacked on mini pita pizzas and some yummy balls! Know that sounds funny....and I brought a chocolate peanut butter tofu pie with walnuts on the top which turned out really well. We chatted up art, music, bellydancing, fashion and the fashion bitches in her studio at the school that back stab and are just bitchy. I had dr.pepper which I love and haven't had in awhile. I was there until two and got to sleep around three.

Posted photos

Pandora — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 19:14:56 GMT

I finally added photos! Old ones and semi new ones. I plan to add pics that are more current and I hope in the next year to have more photos from bellydance performances and the like.

My difficulty making art consistently...

Pandora — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 00:07:27 GMT

I thought about it today. It's important to me so why don't I do it more often? I found that I have a relationship to it that stifles my wishes to do it. It's like some kind of huge picture of a huge amazing artist persona blocks the view of what I really want out of making art which is the experience. I want what it feels like to make it but oddly there is a voice that says," Why make it if you won't put it in a gallery or do anything with it? Why make it if it will never be good enough?" But I have another voice that doesn't seem to get the upper hand enough to get the other voice to never say anything like that again. By the time the dialogue is through I'd rather read or practice bellydance or research things about bellydance on here. But this cycle is driving me nuts because I'd like to see myself progress with it and to make it in the free way that I wasn't able to at the craft school. Before I went to craft school somehow it was never important enough either and a situation I was in distracted me too much. I hated the idea of doing art angry and I still do. Sometimes I have but not the caged animal anger that wouldn't allow me to focus on painting or drawing. The idea is probably to just stop trying to be in the right state of mind for it and just do it and make it a habit the way bellydance has become a habit. I just need to stop thinking and analyzing it to death and just do it. I read the artists way and even after that the answer isn't so obvious.

I gotta add some pics here...

Pandora — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 23:56:47 GMT

I will eventually post pics here. I keep saying that....

This is for everybody on my personal network of friends and anyone who happens upon this blog.

Pandora — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 18:09:05 GMT

Who of you frequents Halifax N.S Canada from time to time for Bellydance or Burlesque events or plan to in the future? Elinor is situated there but who else at least travels there for workshops and festivals?