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Lately I've been feeling lost...

Mon, May 17, 2010 - 6:43 PM

I know who I am...
as far as my name, physical features, ethnicity, cultural background... etc.

But it seems like I can't really find myself lately.
I don't know what to do with myself lately.

I haven't cut since I was about 15 or 16, but I've been feeling numb lately.
And I don't wanna self-harm, but it would be nice to feel something...
Sometimes I crave intense emotion, and the only way I can get anything similar is through painting/writing.
So I did both.

I look at my scar filled arm & leg and it reminds me of the times when I was so desperate to feel like every other kid, that I would endure the physical pain to release the emotional pain...

I have no desire to be like all the teeny-boppers around here, obsessed with the media and pop culture. Publishing every second of their lives on Twitter or Facebook. Texting each other every minute of the day, making plans to hang out.... I would rather be alone, than put myself in awkward social situations.. Awkward for me anyways.. Its hard to befriend people with absolutely nothing in common besides age or gender.
I'm sorry that I don't find enjoyment in gossiping about whos the biggest slut, or who's sleeping with who's boyfriend, or OMG this girl got pig-roasted at a CRAZY party on Friday. I did all of that stuff when I was 13 & sick. I'm over it! For God's sake, I feel like I'm in my thirties already...

It's ironic, that when I was sick I simply craved to be stable and to be like every other kid my age... Now that I'm healthy and doing somewhat well I find that everything is just as ABNORMAL (according to the majority population) about me as it was before, NOW I'm just too smart, too mature, too wise. The friends I had before tell me I sound like their Mom when I'm giving advice, it's flattering, but not when you're just trying to be a normal 18 year old with friends..So I've realized that when I'm ready to meet that person or group of people whom I can actually call a friend, it will happen!

I feel misunderstood by my family, they don't understand the powerful transformation that was like a re-birth that I experienced.. It feels like to them, I'm still the same old Marissa with the same old Marissa problems.. And when I start having ANY symptoms, my Dad gets nervous & worried that its going to go to the extremes that were obvious in the past.

It feels like no matter who I meet, I'm always going to have some explaining to do.
My palms are SUPER sweaty 24/7 from hyperhidrosis due to anxiety, and some VERY obvious scars on my left arm, and one big one on my right that I feel ashamed of when meeting new people because I feel like it's all they're going to see.

In my head
there is never silence
there is never peace

In my head
lurks a monster
lurks a beast

In my head
there's never rest
confusion at the least

In my head
the wounds still open
and I'm still hoping

In my head
I'm alone with me
We walk & talk
it feels so free

In my head
there's blood & gore
a good girl & an ex whore

In my head
nothing could be special
it is the threshold

In my head
its all I know
where nothing seems to travel slow

In my head

Mon, May 17, 2010 - 6:43 PM - permalink - 2 Comments

2 Comments

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William

Mon, May 17, 2010 - 8:46 PM

yea i relate

to the poem, you and your experiences.

well high school seems so odd to think about..as a kid i was a loner ...not many friends...i related to my 2 dogs better than people...and would literally go with them to explore the woods that were nearby...there was a Forrest reserve....they were looking to hunt rabbits...lol when i was about 7 maybe i tried to catch one...i tried to catch it in my arms ..i was pretty close to it...caught it in my arms and it jumped out. i spent so many days that i would wander around in the woods with the imagination of a kid. i couldn't relate to people and did'nt understand what was going on in"the real world" so to speak. often i would have to crap in the woods..i'd wander pretty far and and numerous spots that i would return to because they had great energy i suppose....i'd find streams...sometimes ponds...sometimes strange rocks. i did have a few friends...they were the outer circle..and i really didn't relate to my friends so much either...but enjoyed people and could be social. the disturbing times growing up involved abuse from 2 older sisters..my oldest sister mainly....i would get beat up while i was younger...i am sure nothing like you endured...it went on for many years until i reached puberty...basically she would verbally/physically abuse me..i'd get pissed and have to chase her until she usually locked herself in the bathroom...i had marathon runs after her around the neighborhood...both my sister's did not stop bothering me until puberty....i never blamed them...it took me a long time to understand...my father...who was really never home...gave so much more attention to his sons...i have a younger brother...than the girls.

they were jealous and wreaked havoc on me...and i protected my brother. later when my sisters started dating the would get into trouble with boys and i'd get emotionally drawn into fights...suckered in..lol my oldest sister for a time went thru a bunch of sexual abuse from a guy...he was twice my size easily....but she'd tell me all the stuff he was doing to her and i was 12-13yo...and go look for him...get into a fight...beat up...(i'd usually come home bloody but not too bad...I've lots of battle scars..lol)....

i loved playing football....i think time with dogs helped there... and well i think i had the longest recorded periods of time with boners during puberty.....it was awful and embarrassing.....middle school i remember tucking my penis straight up all the time between classes....i had no experience and limited interest in girls really..ran away from them...literally. from ages 8-11ish...then thru puberty i just suffered.

i think my problem started because i discovered masturbation at a young age...i really didn't know wth i was doin..i used to jump up and down on the bed and would do these belly flops that on a memorable afternoon...lol gave me a boner......(i hope this isn't too weird)...after that i regularly would hump my pillow before sleeping...for years!...i had no clue what i was doing it just felt good....so by puberty(middle school) i probably developed an early addiction i guess. and i still didn't know really wth i was doing.

by early high school my puberty put me in the hospital..it's funny. my glands in my nipples swelled up really bad like walnuts....i lost a lot of wieght..they were worried it was lukemia...because of blood tests......put me in a hospital..ran tests..and determined it was just "puberty" lol

dunno if this is too much info but..it's kinda funny and brings me back to the beginning...but after the hospital a doctor examines my nuts ...and says they are large with regards to age and asks..if i'd been masturbating..lol......my mom's reaction was well..."as long as you do it in the shower"

it was around that time i kinda fell "in love" with a girl..she was gorgeous..and lived right next door....we never had sex or got involved but i wanted too.....i was a freshman in high school then..it was after my "puberty spurt"...or right aroung that time...(puberty seemed endless..probably tapered in my mid 20's..seriously)...but in my sophmore/junoir years in high school i started playing bass guitar in a band...i had started drinking and smoking marijuana...able to socialize easier.....all the while was interested in art..almost simultaneously with music. My sisters over time would try to fix me up with girls...there was a few attempts even when pretty young..it never really began until i started drinking. my first girlfriend i was intimate with was "jewish"..i only mention it cus...so were most of my relationships...(really not "too" many). i decided i was going to go to art school...i really was undecided...but a friend that was in a band i was playing in got killed in a car crash....it got me to start painting a lot...i stopped socializing and had i circle of girls i hung out with i ..i got involved with just 2 girls before college..

i decided to go to art school....my second year i was hospitalized by my family...i was manic...during manic episodes i end up in dangerous situations..it's where i got my battle scars....i never hurt anyone...except once my dad and brother(during an episode) came to take me to a hospital..i refused...they pulled out hand cuffs..lol i think i broke my dad's knee...i've never been a danger to other's..my family had a history of this type of intervention...the first time they tied me up with some kind of rope..lol...i really hadn't done much other than sleep on the streets one or two nights, i jumped on a moving train...lol(i was paranoid) went to dangerous neighborhoods(in philadelphia) in expectations of being killed..lol<<<that was my first episode that put me into a hospital....on the time they hand..cuffed me to take me away again..(broke dad's knee..sorry i was tired of the interventions) ...i lived in brroklyn ny...ended up in a hospital there and worked to get released...during my hospitalization...there o this was common...some guy from think nigera hauled off and clocks some very old black woman in the head...i jumped on him to pull him down...severely messed up my ankle and eventually got discharged...ended up on the streets of nyc...by choice..which led to more interesting adventure's and battle scars.

this is pretty long..so i''ll summarize..yea lots of battle scars..lots of hospitalizations...interesting dangerous...fun times too...i more than often helped people...people where there to help me too(usually comic relief)<<it helped.

my mania's are fairly enjoyable...it's kind of like when i wandered in the woods as a kid.

William

Mon, May 17, 2010 - 9:36 PM

rabbits

eh reading i just had to add in defense of my dogs...they would actually catch them...kill/eat them i guess...i never actually witnessed them on their rabbit hunts..but have seen them come home with remains...some how they'd do that on their own..i couldn't run that fast. one time the lab carried young bunnies (babies) in it's mouth home..so i felt kind better that they didn't kill lil ones..

i love dogs..in nyc a huge pitbull was given to me...they told me his name was "lucky"..lol i tried to rename him..he was the most passive unlucky pitbull ever...i felt connected....before he was given to me i met up with a stray that wanted to fight....we scrapped a little bit and he ran off....i basically psyched him out and told him i would bite his nose(if he jumped at me and he was going nuts about to)..i knew he wouldn't

and yea i would of bite or punched his nosed first thing.

other weird thing..i have a strange connection to birds...during manic episodes..strange bird and weather events are like standard...when i'm in nyc...there's a wicked sprawling storm that rolls thru...i'm like trying to get out of the rain and i keep hearing this bird in distress....chirping away...i knew it wanted help so i find it under and hoping around a big tree.....so i pick it up or it simply jumps on my finger....i put it on my shoulder and figure(i'm manic this stuffs always happening)....err no big deal...so i'm walking around the city with a sparrow on my shoulder and...this really super hot girl with starts to talk to me...i didn't think it was odd...she's flanked by two guys with sunglasses...looking like secret service or something...and she says..."do you know you have a bird on your shoulder?"...i said almost uninterested..o yea...he'll fly away when he's ready. and i think she wanted to know what i did and asked me question's..and to be honest...my mania's are bliss most of the time...with tragic parts ......i think it was tragic bliss at work...but she went on..."don't you want to know my name?" and she told me her name was Maya....i basically resumed my walk and the bird flew seconds later..i cracked me up then probably the timing of the bird flying away...because she was so Hot...she had like a Maroon velvety dress of some kind and the tragic part is i basically was always had to wander somewhere else to either find something or someone....more interesting...i'm pretty sure my exact thought was...she needs to lose the body guards...or why does she need body guards.

for some reason it was like people would throw really nice clothing items somewhere for me to find..i found antiboitics plates..lol an assortment of surval thingys..and i'd always have some reason for some item...like i find some guy with sores on his feet..so i laend him the antibiotics and go on my way..and i'd find the antibiotics in short proximity to the time id meet the guy..i helped a few others....tried to panhandle,,,and people never gave me a dime ...so i'd ask the successful bum-like homeless guys for money to get food....when i got the pitbull...someone brought it to me..said it was mine...he was tied to a fence...his name was "lucky"(not) ...that day i found him an expensive silver collar. it was a thick linked chain..probably not a dogs...but that's the part of mania's i just laugh about now...as it's happening i laugh because i know if i am searching for something...it will show up by accident ...before or after i need it....it can be answers to questions going on in my head....i sort of understand the process from experience..i accept it...

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