help...baby heavy

can't reach keyboard.....-'
';

Not much to say...

and aint that a funny thing now. I'm just not identifying myself as a writer these days, despite years of drawing strength from that personal archetype. Still, I thought I'd post a second blog if only so I won't have to view the previous entry any longer.

I attended a staff development day for the Mendocino K-12 schools today (I'm the K-8 behavior specialist) and we spoke about the newly "flat earth" idea, that kids everywhere can connect to all sorts of kids everywhere, as in digitally. And blogging was one of the ideas we discussed as a vehicle for kids to contribute/process what they've learned and experienced in school. Well clearly its working likewise for teachers.

I guess whats newly on my mind is the amazingly negative reaction I'm reading from teachers on some of the tribes here regarding accomodating kids with learning disabilities in the classroom. I can sense they're being put out by the sheer heaviness of the task being asked of them: to modify or accomodate, basically to differentiate instruction for so many kids who need extra...whatever. Cues to stay on task, breaks from class, modified tests, longer time on tests, all that stuff that ideally, and legally, should help these kids be successful. Anyway, I am just shocked at the cold and sarcastic responses some teachers have to those teachers who share their strategies for accomodating kids who really need it.

I can see how other factors can lead some teachers to have such harsh opinions: totally uncontrollable kids, or kids who fail you after you make the effort, but damn... I just had my bubble burst that every teacher thinks we should help these kidees get a leg up. I mean, fuck, these people are bitchin that learning disabilities don't even exist, and if they do, that they're just another source of more work for them or obstacles to their class running smoothly. Is everyone just freaked out about hurrying kids along the lesson in preparation for state testing on the standards? And more importantly, has the heart gone out of teaching?

Well thats all for now. I'm done, basically. I'm just glad can see the hearts and perspectives these kids have, and how injured they sometimes are without taking their behavior (or their disability?) personally. And that I can be there for and help the ones I can.

Next time I say we write about Family. Or something more fun and interesting. ~Bye

Wanted: Continuity Specialist

I had a unique sort of moment at bedtime last night. After switching off the lights in the house, and making my steps to the bedroom, it happened- the darkness of the house began to creep over me, the way it does sometimes when I'm feeling lonely or insecure. It was a darkness thick with my apprehensions about my life, the choices I've made, etc. and I'd be lying if I didn't say I was afraid.

But, I didn't leave it at that. As much as I fought to block out my fear, pretending to believe it came from outside of me instead of from within, I knew my fear was a function of a deeper loneliness. What was penetrating me was a sense that I had no continuity, no legacy of living, nothing consistent that had survived since childhood, not even me.

For many people, family provides this continuity, but my blood family is disjointed, geograhically and emotionally separated in a big way. Friends too, could provide that continuity, I realize now, like a mirror to see oneself in, but friends have changed every 5 years for me, as my geography and lifestyle have changed. Now I live in the sticks and am redefined by my new family, but the sacrifice, the ongoing sacrifice I keep finding myself making, is that in constantly "moving on," only faint traces of emotional continuity are left to linger.

This was the awareness I felt pentetrate me in the darkness. And yeah, it was a bit sad, but not only sad. I mean, I'm glad I get it, at least. Maybe its just time for me to write my life story down, like I always expected I would, to play connect the dots and see what it looks like when I thread some continuity back into my life. That or I could push to retread some of the relationships I've littered my life with. But my impetus is not to do that. I expect there will be more payoff in paying attention to the relationships I'm currently nurturing.

But in the meantime, I feel its time to begin sewing myself back together.