A Lover's Thoughts on the Nature of Innocence by Mandy Creed

A Lover's Thoughts on the Nature of Innocence

By Amanda Creed




With virginity's claims upon my soul, I stand in awe of momentary longing.

Speaking as one whose past shows multiple glimmerings of lust and desire, I fight to keep my head above the flood of my misgivings.

With wanton zeal, I portray the innocent as I watch the tide slipping away from me.

Who is to know what path each of us could be destined for?

Does God know? Do I even believe in God anymore?

I know it is not I who knows,

For if it were "for me to know and you to find out", I would not currently feel so ill at ease.

Simple childhood taunts make me feel clever during nights like these.

I look up at you, from beneath you…

Not physically, as my flesh would crave, but from the depths of my insecurities and former scars…

Unknowingly, I created a hollowness deep within myself.

In the past I filled that void with the unfair and uninvited expectations of men and the unfortunate broken hearts of the naïve boys who tried to rush in and save me from my decent.

I filled that chasm with the pretentious souls of other women, similar to me, but not me.

I have sent those souls away.

I now face reality without the affectations of the mask.

But without the mask I do not know how to bleed love from your veins…or from mine.

Without the mask I do not know how to create in you a craving for my flesh.

In a way, I am a child again…innocent and insecure.

I wait for the sound of your voice with forgiving impatience and dream of the taste of your mouth,

The feel of your hands.

To kiss as an innocent…

So many years, so many wounds, since I last kissed in that state.

I would gladly fall again and lose my innocent garden to know you are near.

Would you be the end of my innocence?

Or would I be the end of yours?

Would you in some way become the final nail in the coffin of my past or the window to my brighter future?

How would that change me?

Could we not love as innocents and recreate Eden with the purity of our honesty?

Could we speak as equals and live as one?

Would I sacrifice a part of myself to become part of you?

Or would I gain of you what I lose of myself and in you find the reflection of such sharing?

Love is confusing...yet wonderful.

Inspired by my anime loving youtube fan...

Inspired by my anime loving youtube fan, I decided it was time to learn how to create a video. It is just a basic slide show plus music, but hey, I'm still learning. Check it out if you care to, if not, no worries. As I said, I was just learning to use the program...so don't judge the seeming narcissism as such... just using what I had laying around in my computer...lol..

www.youtube.com/watch

P.S. I'm still throwing around ideas for a REAL music video so feel free to share if you an idea or a preference of song, etc

I GOT AN EMAIL FROM SHERRILYN KENYON!!!!!!

I had the coolest thing happen!!!!!

I came across the personal email of my favorite author, Sherrilyn Kenyon. On a whim, I wrote to her thanking her for writing her books, telling her how much I loved her wry and sardonic sense of humor and her characterizations. At the end of the email I gave her my myspace link to my music and said if she had time that she could listen to it but not to worry if she did not.

SHE ACTUALLY WROTE ME BACK! That in and of itself would have been awesome but she actually went and listened to my music and then complemented me on it. This is a quote from the email she sent me:

"Your music is wonderful! My goodness, it isn't everyday I get to hear from someone as talented as you are! Wow!"

HOW COOL IS THAT?!?!?!?!??!?!??!?!?

I've been jazzed about it ever since. Complements are always nice and appreciated but having your favorite author, who is only a few steps off from goddess status, say it...that is just...COOL. lol.

I also found out that one of my best friends, Brandon M., is coming back to Magnolia next week. I haven't seen him at all in seven months and I'm really looking forward to seeing him.

In other news, the therapy kittens have decided that my office is home base. Every time I've gone in there in the last several days they are waiting for me in my chair. Cute, huh? They like to crawl on my desk while I'm working and one of them likes to walk on the phone and repeatedly call the front desk. That gets a little old after awhile..lol.

In all I'm doing pretty good write now. I've been feeling really worn down and I'm stressed about school but I'm hitting all of my deadlines, most ahead of time so I guess I can't complain too much.

So how is everyone else doing? If you don't mind, would you tell me three things from your life?

Thoughts on the me that is...at this moment, anyway...

My life is eternally in transition, as is my personality. I guess the same can be said for any person, should they choose to be brutally honest with themselves. I find that I resent when someone holds the mistakes of yesterday against the person I am today. In a sense, I am a different person. To hold those mistakes against me now, is the same as if you resented a child for the mistakes of their parents. The person I am now is the result and creation of all of my yesterdays. Besides, I hold far more against myself...create more guilt and self-loathing within my mind than anyone else could cause me to feel anyway.

I am fascinated by the development of "self". Every day we discover new things about who we are...who we want to be...and those things, once added to the mix can completely remake who we understand ourselves to be. Most people ignore this process...don't think it through...or refuse to change. They are dead, in my eyes, or at very least blind...or worse yet, boring. Perhaps I am just incredibly neurotic...or perhaps I am insane...or perhaps, I am just a bit more honest about my flaws and failings than most.

I am not perfect...far from it...but I am not a failure...not completely anyway. I am a person....a person who grows, changes and feels on a daily basis. I am not dead inside...and for me, that is great progress. I spent the better part of the last few years dead. I didn't really care for it. Living is much more...amusing... Loving is better yet. I am delighted to find that there is something else beside ashes left in my veins. I am sure the one that loves me is glad of that as well.