Oh wow...

You guys are missing out! So I basically am now with the woman of my dreams, she is absolutely fantastic. Things could not be better.
BUY THE NEW OCEANSIZE ALBUM!!
*ahem*
Other than spending all my money way too fast and getting upset stomachs a lot, every thing is great.
That's all for now.

Same old song and dance

New job is going well... Sort of.
I came in during a bit of a slump in employee numbers, so I've ended up doing a lot more work than (let's just say I've been given a tad bit more responsibility) I should have. I mean, I can handle it... But I'm fearful that I could cause quite a bit of a mess if I screw things up too badly.
It's a hefty responsibility. Peoples' livelihood (is)are on the line.
I've given up my weekends for almost the entire month of October. I'm probably going to regret it.
Boss says I can be off for Thanksgiving in exchange for the extra work I'll be doing. I don't really understand why it has to be the new guy to do it, but I'm not really willing to stand up and ask. It's money I suppose, so whatever.
There's also a "new girl" in my life. One that I have known well for quite some time. Things could go either way. She's not budging on the new-fangled polyamorous shenanigans for the time being, however. It's cool though I suppose. We're playing it by ear. I'll take what I can get.
Nothing new there.
I've become so stoic to it all. I wonder if it's doing me any serious harm, spiritually that is. Who knows... I'll roll with the punches for the rest of my life. I've pretty much given in to it.
All things considered, it's all pretty well and good for the most part. I just need to get out, stretch my legs soon. Take a trip. Maybe I'll get my passport.

EEEEP!

Tomorrow I start my real job, with a real pair of dress shoes, and a real tie, and a real commute. Kind of freaky. Nervous.
Today I decided to try and put my mind at ease by cleaning my room (I got pretty far). I ended up coming accross a bunch, and I do mean a bunch, of old girly notes from high school. I still have no better understanding of them now. the notes, as well as girls. Although I suppose they're "women" now. and phone calls and text messages instead of notes. Communication... odd schtuffs.

Like sand...

I would say that tonight has been... one of the worst nights of my life, but it's probably not. It just feels that way right now...
It just feels like I had another very strong bond with someone very beautiful and might be meaningful within my reach, only to have them slip away just like all the others before...
I would say that it just feels like the next two weeks of my life will quite possibly end with me not having the money to go to my orientation because i've overdrawn my account by 200 dollars and owe my parents 140, and will probably only pull in a 380 paycheck...
I would say that... This job and all that it means for my life scares me to death because I feel like the biggest klutz in the world right now.
I would say that I barely sleep at all any more because I stay up late trying to fix the problems I've put myself in and try and explain my actions... to no avail.
I would say that I love her, but I'm not really sure I can love any more... whether I want to put myself out there like that...
I would say that the last person I truly knew that I loved can't bare to be with me ever again because of how it happened and that I feel so sick sometimes when I think that she will have been the last person on this earth that I actually trusted... and had it torn away from me. I think this feeling might also be what keeps me from hating her, and continues to bind me to her, in any sense of the word. also, i still love her... and she knows it.
I would say that this lump in my throat will solve nothing by the time it reaches my tear ducts or escapes my lips...
I would say that no, you don't understand me, and I really am tired of being your friend.
I would say that... I just want someone to pretend to love me back... and put up with me... in exchange for me treating them like gold.
I would say that someday I'm going to leave this town and probably each and every one of you because there are just too many bad memories here.

I would say all of these things, and they might seem the truth at this very moment... and perhaps they would be... but i doubt it would make any difference whether I shared them or not.
I'm so damn confused... and I saw this all coming... I saw the money going away... I saw her telling me she didn't feel the same any more... I've always seen it fade. And yet, I am powerless to stop it. Where do I find love as eager to share as I am to give?

i need someone to be with me, to share things with... someone to trust me and understand me. i need it really fucking bad right now in my life... because i'm not sure i can do all this without someone by my side. i really don't think that's too unreasonable.

Emotional Departure

sometimes I honestly think about never talking to anyone i've ever known ever again. I don't think that's too unfair. Really. There are of course a select few that I don't believe I could ever fully part ways with, but... I think I keep most people around just to entertain myself, give me something to do and someone to intoxicate myself with. That probably makes me a shitty person. I feign most of the emotional connection I have with my "friends". Mostly because I've been so sure for so long that I rarely mean much to people. Not in that kind of "OMG I'm worthless" kind of way, just that my existence in any point in time... is somewhat consequential. It's all been so juivenille most of the time. Speaking of which, god... livejournal. I've had this thing since I was fucking... 15? And why? really? Because I want to see what people think of my incessent bitching or remedial vocabulary usage? I'd rather just go back to smoking cigarettes and listening to music walking back and forth... drawing little people jumping off buildings or getting squashed by cars. I spent years doing it, managed to keep a pretty level head. These days I find myself mostly irritated with the company I keep, even the ones I regularly have sex with. Why? I simply feel so seperated. I don't really know where it started or why it began to intensify. I spend most of my time internally shaking my head in disapproval or grinding my teeth... I feel like leaving is my best discourse.
In other news, I just got a job as a bank teller. Vaguely reminiscent of American Psycho, right? Some crude brain tucked neatly inside a 50 dollar dress shirt and 30 dollar tie.
This will surely be a fun social experiment.

This is the best way to describe how I feel most of the time these days:
vainas.deviantart.com/art/Sta...28383288

drunkdrunkdrunk

two new photos for your viewing pleasure. goddamn my knees look huge.

Relax.

Trust is something I've always struggled with. I trust a lot more (people) than I think I should.
As a result... of recent events... I've basically been in a "F*** all ya'll" sort of mood. How childish. On the other hand, I'm focusing a lot more on what I need to be doing and not letting other people get in my way. I basically have resorted to simply doing the bare minimum at work, just as everyone else. Being the only person who doesn't struggle lifting the majority of items in a warehouse store... other people tend to pawn shit off you you a lot, I've noticed. I'm pretty close to "I've about had it with this sh**", but more close to a "No, you can do it. Thanks."
I really need a new job. I'm about to look up waste disposal (garbage man) positions... I really need the money, and I really don't mind sweating at work.
Maybe just try and save up enough to get a crappy car and just drive somewhere (more affordable than here) and find a job. I really need to split.

Sorry for the absense...

I'm really sorry I've been gone, to those who have missed me. Things are coming down to the wire and I have a lot of crap going on before the big page-turning of my life. I've got to get a higher paying, more intellectually stimulating job, find a place to live/stay, get a drivers license, move out, lose my mind, find it again, play tic tac toe in the condensation on windows... you know, big important stuff.
basically... I'm gone again.

Hello.

I'm back, kind of. What's new with everyone?

Taking a break

I'm gonna be taking a leave of absence from tribe for a while. Don't miss me too much.
-Mike