My Blog
Like sand...
Thu, August 23, 2007 - 9:01 PMIt just feels like I had another very strong bond with someone very beautiful and might be meaningful within my reach, only to have them slip away just like all the others before...
I would say that it just feels like the next two weeks of my life will quite possibly end with me not having the money to go to my orientation because i've overdrawn my account by 200 dollars and owe my parents 140, and will probably only pull in a 380 paycheck...
I would say that... This job and all that it means for my life scares me to death because I feel like the biggest klutz in the world right now.
I would say that I barely sleep at all any more because I stay up late trying to fix the problems I've put myself in and try and explain my actions... to no avail.
I would say that I love her, but I'm not really sure I can love any more... whether I want to put myself out there like that...
I would say that the last person I truly knew that I loved can't bare to be with me ever again because of how it happened and that I feel so sick sometimes when I think that she will have been the last person on this earth that I actually trusted... and had it torn away from me. I think this feeling might also be what keeps me from hating her, and continues to bind me to her, in any sense of the word. also, i still love her... and she knows it.
I would say that this lump in my throat will solve nothing by the time it reaches my tear ducts or escapes my lips...
I would say that no, you don't understand me, and I really am tired of being your friend.
I would say that... I just want someone to pretend to love me back... and put up with me... in exchange for me treating them like gold.
I would say that someday I'm going to leave this town and probably each and every one of you because there are just too many bad memories here.
I would say all of these things, and they might seem the truth at this very moment... and perhaps they would be... but i doubt it would make any difference whether I shared them or not.
I'm so damn confused... and I saw this all coming... I saw the money going away... I saw her telling me she didn't feel the same any more... I've always seen it fade. And yet, I am powerless to stop it. Where do I find love as eager to share as I am to give?
i need someone to be with me, to share things with... someone to trust me and understand me. i need it really fucking bad right now in my life... because i'm not sure i can do all this without someone by my side. i really don't think that's too unreasonable.
Thu, August 23, 2007 - 9:01 PM -
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Thu, August 23, 2007 - 11:31 PM
Nothing I can say will fix it.
But I am going to tell you that it isn't always going to be this bad. My very stoic grandmother used to say to me "If this is the worst thing that happens to you in your life you'll be lucky!" and you know, that can seem like comeplete bullshit. Except that I know that she fought very hard for her life and the lives of her children. She had to clean the mess up after her beloved husband blew his brains out in the den, following the last straw from a very biggoted and hateful community successfully shunned him and subsequently his family. She fought the community, the stigma, the sexist ideas that she was merely a woman and didn't have to support a family of 4 on her own. So when she woudl say tht to me, I took it to heart. At the same time, you can't say that any pain is worth nothing if there is some worse pain out there. The other way to look at what she said is "If this is it, it will be behind you soon.'
I wish I had another answer for you, Mike. Except that this will pass. Even though I am merely a TribeFriend, my thoughts are with you. No bullshit. Really. |
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Fri, August 24, 2007 - 11:47 AM
it is okay to grieve....
people who come in and out of your life make you who you are... it is through them that you realize what you are and are not willing to accept. you have every right to hurt and to feel... but please, do not give up. you have people that deeply care for you.
m |
