My Blog
Emotional Departure
Tue, August 21, 2007 - 12:21 AMIn other news, I just got a job as a bank teller. Vaguely reminiscent of American Psycho, right? Some crude brain tucked neatly inside a 50 dollar dress shirt and 30 dollar tie.
This will surely be a fun social experiment.
This is the best way to describe how I feel most of the time these days:
vainas.deviantart.com/art/Sta...28383288
Tue, August 21, 2007 - 12:21 AM -
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Tue, August 21, 2007 - 9:16 AM
"Vaguely reminiscent of American Psycho, right?"
PLEASE say that you'll film yourself flexing in a mirror while you so a coupla hookers?? Please? <g>
Okay, but seriously, we really do all feel just like that, I think. *I'm* alone in here. We're all, fundamentally, alone and self-involved. I look happy and shiny on the outside, and yeah, I do feel emotionally attached to my loved ones, but they aren't in here, where things are creepy and dead. They aren't behind the wall with me, no matter how much they try to empathize, and therefore, we aren't *really* connected. I think that one can't HELP but be this way when one has gone through some black shit, and I know that you have (you may not know that *I* have, but I have). I think that's why I feel a connection with you, Mike...even through this internet....because you're a soul who has traveled through some serious darkness, and come out a pretty freakin' cool guy (from here, anyhow). But the reason that we force ourselves to be out there (or at least, MY reason)...the reason that we force ourselves to attempt connection...is that once in a while, it becomes REAL. And those golden fucking moments are the reason to live, you know? When you really look at someone, and you really, really *see* one another? It doesn't happen often, even with the people that I am the most intimate with, but it happens, and I'm always going to keep casting lines out there, in case it happens again. I hope that you do too. It's okay to be bitter and snarky on the inside, dude. You wouldn't *believe* the things that I think most of the time, and I'm a VERY nice person <lol>. But don't hide. You're fun...the world needs you, sappy as that sounds ; ). |
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Tue, August 21, 2007 - 9:33 AM
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I guess the traditional reply is to cheer you up and give you a 'pep-talk', but it would likely come of as the polite, ingenuine, 'I need you to fake happy and cheerful for me.' so I'm not going to go there. I've had similar feelings. More often than not in my life I've been in a place where I felt like, if I died, the funeral would not be attended by anyone. Not that people don't appreciate when I am in the room, and they might mean to go, but in the end, they wouldn't get around to it.
FWIW, I've just gotten out of a monkey job that was reminiscent of Fight Club. Part of my job was insurance claims related and the more I did work assisting in putting a dollar value on a claim made for a megalo-corp, the more I wanted to find a way to bring 'ThaMan' down. It didn't help. Yeah at the time it helped me pay down loans, but I was monochromatic as a person. I cared less for the world than I did before I started, that's for sure. So I didn't try to recruit random brawlers to start a revolution, but I am farther from my community and my belief in the inherent good of others has gone a little stale. There is always a battle between the misanthrope and philanthrope selves. |
