to vent my frustrations again

it is june
the baby is teething, the three year old has stopped naps. my husband is at work.....to come home and work again outside.....
this leaves me with the kids, mostly fussy kids......all day .... every day....
this morning my husband says ( as i pull weeds around a foxglove ) "there is no point to this garden, YOU didn't weed it enough..."
and the thoughts race through my head.....no, this garden is pointless because of the half assed fence around the chicken yard.....then i think of all the half finished projects that have been started before the half assed fence was completed so we could plant.
all the half assed unnecessary projects he works on.... like mulching a garden that does not require mulch, in fact needs the mulch to not be there .... like the thrown together raised beds he filled with uncomposted materials.......all his important shit he does while i am in with the kids, because he says...."if i don't do it, no one will"....
i think of when i try to plant and the baby right beside me pulling them up as i go along
i think of loki dropping handfuls of seed in the same spot
i think of going out to the garden and as soon as i get my hands in the dirt, someone crying....tired, hungry, or hurt....
then i think of his comments, how he does this or that....how dirty the house is....how i didn't do this....this is because you this....
and here i am with the kids, looking at my garden
wishing i could just get my hands dirty for decent amount of time, wishing the planting to be finished
wishing my husband would listen, understand

punky

is our mascot sort of. he isn't good for anything.....meat or eggs, he is just funny
is our mascot, but maybe soon in the dutch oven with a few others

my poppies, my licorice, safflowers, so many others .....all decimated, scratched into oblivion.....the little fucker

the others were temporarily penned when we started spring planting, the fence isn't to high and some will hop or fly over occasionally but punky is so puny he is ousted from the flock....he is out and in everything

i think today will be the deciding factor, maybe dinner tonight......
mascot or not

a day in the life of...

i need three lunches.
well, a snack, then lunch-because if she doesn't get food NOW, then the tiny and fragile threads that hold her universe together start to fall out of place. so while she is seeing exactly how far apart she can throw each and every marker and while the baby (with a dirty bum) make it towards the plant's dirt--i start chopping vegs for the snack and put on a pot of water for the babe's lunch. then i can hand off the snack, change the nappy and take out the dog--who runs off in search of fun in the woods and wild food- i guess--damn dog, who's he think he is, a dog?! --well have fun, can't chase him now...
heat up the baby food, and turn on the rice. loki asks for tv. no. not today, we watched so much this weekend. POP. (that is the thread, her universe falling....) and tears. and louder tears. i add rice to the water and pull up the babe. and . more . tears. i feed the baby, and loki asks again, through the tears. i say no, lets eat and go outside- the sun's shining-
she glares--no tears- not taking her eyes off me, she turns her cup of juice onto the only carpet in the house....
i put her in the baby's high chair, not even saying a word. i don't think i could have ... i give her her food.. i get mine and the baby's and we eat.. separated by a table and then some...
and though this only really takes a paragraph to write, in reality it was like two hours...nothing like children to make two hours of normal routine seem rushed and on thin ice. if something doesn't get done in such order, and with a certain dextarity and speed, you hear the POP of her threads...ultimate doom pending....
and yet it is these hours in our days, as caregivers of children, we realize we are doing something...something IMPORTANT...and it still feels good...eventually...

impromptu party at my house

with about 25 firemen.
my first chimney fire, all very exciting.
as soon as i told the boy 'yes, its a fire' he's off....back in seconds flat with his coat on, shoes and a shoe box of books. at this point i can't help but laugh...as he is clutching the box jumping up and down telling me to get the babies....i'm thinking with a smile...a box of books!... (we are reading the spiderwick chronicles, he is so in love with these stories. i don't know if he grabbed them because they are his cousins books, and he is being responsible for her things, or if it was his love for them, or what...)it makes me laugh none the less.
it is like there is a magnent between us...it is suprising the evenness in the distance he is able to maintain between us...
little child not sure what is going on. why i am not so concerned--it is in the chimney, i say, we'll be fine... he runs outside to see daddy on the roof--i think it becomes fun for him at this point--'i have so much to tell my class', he says as he bounces holding those books to his chest.
then the 3 fire trucks, and the 25 men. funny, the fire was out when the first man got here. 'protocol', they say.
and 45 minutes later, the neighborhood is dark again, the house is quiet and there is a thick layer of ash and dust on my floors.....three babies in my bed, the boy curled up on the edge where our feet lay............
and i am thankful
for my children and love
my home
and my king sized bed

the slow life....

sometimes, being a parent is soo slow.
i am supposed to be making our dinner, peas and paneer- got to do it early so the flavors can meld...
get the two year old fed while the baby sleeps,and then the two year old goes to sleep and (of course) the baby wakes, and has to be held.
this is not a bad thing--i'll get to dinner, i hope, soon---it is just SLOW---holding her, looking out the window...nice, but boring at times.
this morning i was supposed to go get the car inspected.
it takes me till 10:30 to do all so i can begin the gathering to get ready to leave. the gathering(of children,clothes, shoes,snacks,important stuff-keys,papers..)takes till 11:10--wtf! it is lunch, can't leave now-so here i am, confined to a slow day while the world moves wistfully outside
it is good i don't wear make-up, care terribly about my clothes--i'd never get any where. i do not know how those people do it!
well, to see if the baby will hang in the back pack-plan B-cook with baby on back (pending she agrees), let dinner meld, mmm..., get the boy off the bus around when the girl wakes up and go--?

ha ha! i was supposed to get ginger at the store on my 'outing' this morn.
luckily !! i found some hard, really dry ginger tucked away and it is soaking in hot water until it gets soft enough to pull apart and cook with it.
this is better - i have the tea to use in the dish also...
waiting...i'll get there...

i love my kids

i was putting my son to bed last night. as i tucked him in and gave him a kiss, he says: mommy, i was looking at my book (a bestiary) on the bus yesterday and i almost cried. i said oh, why? he says, ' i was looking at the phoenix and thinking how beautiful it was, then how sad they aren't alive anymore---
god, i love my kids