Female

49

i'm married on paper. just not in my heart anymore. he chose his drugs and alcohol over me long ago.

i am strong. i am willful and i am stubborn. sometimes arrogant, often humble. i am a "got your back" kinda gal, until you you prove undeserving of that. and i'll probably still cover your ass for a little while even though you don't deserve it. i am the girl who hangs around with the guys and gets them to tell me their dirty jokes, shares a few of my own, tosses back a few and has a good time, all the while never really letting them forget i am a woman.

i do straight shots. i don't believe in polluting my liquor.

eventually i somehow make guys trust me enough to tell me their war stories. it happens everywhere i go. i make guys comfortable with me. perhaps because i am so comfortable with them. go figure after all they've done to me. i am a veteran of two military branches. i understand men. i've never understood women. i am trustworthy. i know how to keep my mouth shut in matters of importance. i also know when to open it.

life with me is mostly fun and always interesting. piss me off and you will know what a real Irish Temper is, my eyes are blue not green, but they will flash! i dye my hair red periodically as a warning. red hair is fun.

i am not jealous, i never have been, i guess i'm odd that way. a guy is either with me emotionally/physically or not. i don't begin to understand this part of me. i have been the other women more than once or twice, i've even been caught and seen the fireworks. man it's ugly. i understand it, it's just that I have never felt that way. if a guy feels a need for someone else, than he is free to be with someone else. you cannot keep what isn't yours.

i am kind, i am gentle, i am not sweet. i am caring. i am uber sensitive. i am intuitive. i sometimes have that 6th sense that they do movies about. i have never been innocent. i am damaged. i was born unwanted and unloved. i am still such.

i am an addict although clean for over 17 years. i am a cutter still. i cut when all the feelings are too overwhelming. i cut when when i cannot touch the earth. it's something that i am struggling with, fighting hard against. it's as if i am at war with my own self.

you know that song by Alanis Morissett, "I'm a Bitch, I'm a Lover", yeah, that's me. look up the lyrics. never mind, here, i'll show you:

I hate the world today
You're so good to me
I know but I can't change
Tried to tell you
But you look at me like maybe
I'm an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried
Must have been relieved to see The softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
All rolled into one

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am

This may mean
You'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that
When I start to make you nervous
And I'm going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change
And today won't mean a thing

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

Just when you think, you got me figured out
The season's already changing
I think it's cool, you do what you do
And don't try to save me

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
When you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numb, I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

you see what i mean? that's me. except for the shame part. occasionally i feel great shame. usually for the things that were done to me.

i have been molested both as a very young child, from ages 2 to 6, and again as a teen. i have been raped multiple times in more than several different situations by more than several different men. i am a survivor. what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. but i see the world through different eyes than most. my instincts are a little sharper. and even if i am friendly, it does not mean that i trust you or anyone else around me. i always carry a weapon of some kind on my person. PTSD isn't just a damn syndrome, it's a battle...

HOWEVER, when i do trust someone, i give them my Whole trust. Often at great risk to myself. Trust is a scary proposition, isn't it? but i'll do it for the right people...

after all of this i am still a very sexual person. i love good sex. i need it. i wonder if that's sick somehow, but i can't help it.

if you've seen my pics you know i do the outdoors. you know that i live to be out there. you know i can't live without it. the outdoors is my safe haven. it is the one place where i really truly wholeheartedly belong. where i am most me.

you know i'm a tomboy. i belong in blue jeans. i can dress up, but i'm not comfortable that way. i can behave like a lady when it's called for, but i can't wait to get out of that situation. it's just not who i am. i am a girl. i am a woman, but i have to fake being a lady. i don't know how to do romance, don't think i ever knew. i do know how to do sexy, i can do it very very well. i can wear it, walk it, talk it, write it, be it, breathe it...

i am a long story, full of pain and anger and shame, tears and howls, scratches and cuts and bruises. deep and ugly and dirty. i am the child you leave behind. that is why i keep her hidden.

no one really knows her yet
i suppose they never will
for there are parts that i could bet
will never fit the bill
few know some
none knows all
most know nothing
the stories are tall