Blogamy

Silly cracker!

Amy Zing — Sat, 31 Jan 2009 04:48:25 GMT

I saw these at the grocery store and snickered. Delicious goldfish crackers (you love 'em, you know you do) in a new whole-grain variety. And the package features.... a fish on a bicycle. Would it be anti-feminist to buy them?

Dear Clueless Driver

Amy Zing — Sat, 24 Jan 2009 04:04:54 GMT

When I stopped while walking across Stockton Street, and pointed at the front of your car, and flashed my fingers at you, and pointed at the front of your car again, and you goggled stupidly at me, as if I was a crazy person, did you stop and think that maybe, MAYBE, you were driving around with your damn headlights off?

Do you have a vaccination mark

Amy Zing — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 02:06:22 GMT

on your upper left arm? Were you born before 1973? y/y

December 29th

Amy Zing — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 06:37:07 GMT

I see the first Xmas tree kicked to the curb. That's cold, man. We used to leave ours up until after New Years before pushing it out of the house. (Actually, in a rare act of green-thinking, my parents got live trees for much of my childhood. The trees came with a giant ball of burlap-wrapped roots, which were kept moist inside a galvanized metal washtub. After the New Year, the tree was planted in the back yard. It was kind of cool: a row of trees ranging from small to large, growing in the yard -- seven or eight of them, if I recall. I think if you're going to do the tree thing, that's the way to do it.)

Reminder.

Amy Zing — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 06:36:16 GMT

Do not pick the scab. Do Not Pick The Scab. Do NOT pick the SCAB! Do not, do not, do not pick the scab. Pick the scab? Do not. DO NOT PICK. THE SCAB.

Fashion Tip #719

Amy Zing — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 21:51:55 GMT

I believe the first week of December is entirely too soon for the hobos and crackheads to be wearing Santa Hats. Tacky.

I have never owned

Amy Zing — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 07:58:02 GMT

a microwave a videogame a backpack an eyelash curler an ironing board a newspaper subscription a hammock a crock pot a car a toaster .......Is that weird?

Whoa.

Amy Zing — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 05:00:00 GMT

I'm whacked out on cough syrup and watching the Duggars (the family with 17 kids! and one on the way!) take a trip to the Creationist Museum (close to my hometown, yikes). Dinosaurs in the garden with Adam and Eve (tastefully covered, of course). Did you guys realize that the world is 6,000 years old? Wow! How nice of that God Man to put fossils so deep in the ground, just to give us a little puzzle. Yayyyyy, God!

QOTD

Amy Zing — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 00:49:55 GMT

Is it rude to give someone in a wheelchair a standing ovation?

Murder Ballads on Halloween Night!

Amy Zing — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 04:20:42 GMT

Yep, it's Halloween time again, and my band-with-no-name will be playing at the 7th Annual Murder Ballads Bash at the Starry Plough! We're billed as The Monkey Shiners, but I'm not sure if it will stick. What do you call a 7-member band featuring accordions, guitar, violin, glockenspiel, ukuleles, musical saw, and more percussion than you can shake a drumstick at? (Besides insane.) We're featuring THREE SONGS that have never been performed in public before, so come show us some love! We go on late, after midnight. Come see nearly a dozen bands, all performing tunes of mayhem, misery.... and MURRRRDERRRRRR. The Starry Plough 3101 Shattuck Ave., Berkeley Friday, October 31, 9:00 P.M. $10

BAW HAW HAW

Amy Zing — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 20:27:42 GMT

I would love for an actual kid to ask an actual dad that question. That is so AWFUL!

Must... Keep... Growing

Amy Zing — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 06:53:26 GMT

Yeah. So I'm growing my hair. It's freakishly long right now, touching my ears and neck and shit. My eventual goal: a short bob. Short in the back, but with enough length in the front to put barrettes in and shit. My wish for the transition: cute pixie with bangs (see photo on left). (Also, Pink is just hot.) My current catastrophe: strange mullet bi-level (see photo on right). My hair is damaged into general straightness, except around the edges, where it curls in a most irritating way. Lock up my clippers. I'm dying to see huge chunks of hair lying on the bathroom floor.

Linguistics

Amy Zing — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 06:31:48 GMT

REcluse or reCLUSE? GONdola or GonDOla? MisANthropic or misanTHROPic? (The last one drove me nuts because Anthony Bourdain said "MisANthropic" on an episode of "No Reservations," and I love him, despite his disDAIN for vegeTARians.)

Familiarity

Amy Zing — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 00:43:03 GMT

How well you know someone can be based on one simple factor: If you dumped entirely too much hand lotion on your hands, would you offer them the excess?

It's Always Sunny

Amy Zing — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 06:05:11 GMT

Do I love "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" because I'm a bad person? Or does watching such an evil-hearted, misanthropic, jaw-droppingly, pants-pissingly horribly hilarious show turn me INTO a bad person? Chicken, egg. Balut.

marriage

Amy Zing — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 06:57:50 GMT

So, if Miss Piggy's dream came true, and she married Kermit, would her married name be Miss Piggy The Frog? Is "Miss" her first name and "Piggy" her last? Or is "Miss" merely a title, and if so, what is her first name? Melissa? Peggy? And is Kermit really (first name) Kermit, (middle name) The, (last name) Frog? Part of me really loves "The" as a middle name. It's right up there with "Danger." Mrs. Melissa Piggy The Frog? It would look awkward on stationery.

tribe weirdisms

Amy Zing — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 06:41:55 GMT

1. My tribe messages no longer get forwarded to my email address, despite my tribe mailbox being configured to do so. 2. My icon photo keeps defaulting back to a certain photo -- the "lashes" photo -- despite me switching it to other things. Anyone else having these particular problems? They're small things, not worth bitching to the "management" about (which sounds like it's one person these days), it's just weird.

More Genius!

Amy Zing — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 05:35:55 GMT

Me: I'm gonna buy a bar, and name it "Practice." Like all the drinks you have there are for practice. Practice drinks. In fact, everything you do there is practice, whether it's saying something really stupid, or making out with a stranger. it's just practice! Him: Plus, you could say, "Hey, I'm going to Practice tonight." Me: "I'd love to stay home and help give the cat her pills, but I've got to go to Practice!" Him: "Sorry I'm late for work today, but I was at Practice until 1:30!"

This week's million-dollar idea

Amy Zing — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 16:35:13 GMT

I'm going to create a duvet cover with buttons on the top AND bottom. It's a simple idea, but it would eradicate the current problem I have with the duvet ALL BUNCHING UP AT ONE END, practically smothering my neck while leaving my tootsies cold. None of y'all better be stealing my ideas, yo.

Hubba Hubba Hallelujah!!

Amy Zing — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 09:26:38 GMT

Tomorrow night I will be lending my saw-playing talents to the very lovely Velvet Lillies, a trio of sexy and talented ladies who can sing like the very angels themselves. Come on out to DNA and enjoy the show! The details: Hallelujah! It's time for... Hubba Hubba Revue: THAT OLDE TIME RELIGION! *Baptismal Burlesque! *Amazing Acts of Contrition! *Holy-Rolling Comedy! Friday, September 19th, 9PM at DNA Lounge! AMEN, BROTHERS & SISTERS, AMEN!! The Honorable Kingfish T. Love, and The That-Boy-Ain't-Right Reverend Eddie Dane, invite All Sinners & The Saved to an Ol' Timey Revival Meeting loaded with laughs, thrills and the Best Burlesque this side of The Pearly Gates! It's a night of Evangelical Entertainment, with enough grinding, bumping and Bible-Thumping to Banish Temptation and Heal the Sober! COMEDY, BURLESQUE and SALVATION!! with: Harlem Shake! Alotta Boutte'! The Vicar of Liquor! Room for Cream! The Velvet Lilies! The Diamond Daggers! Miss Balla Fire! Madam Chartreuse! Lady Satan! Citty Rich! Professor Shimmy! Ariyana LeFay! Kiss Me Kate! Honey Lawless! Your Little Chernobyl! Riff Ditties! Bunny Pistol! Rubenesque Burlesque! Gorilla X! ...and the Holy Hubba Dancers! Live! On-Stage! Hymns of Sin & Whisky with THE GOMORRAN SOCIAL AID & PLEASURE CLUB! APOSTATE DISCOUNT! From 9PM to 9:30PM, only at the box office night-of-show, tickets are just $10! Free dance lessons upstairs, 9:30 - 10:00PM, by the Ministry of Swing Goth! Hubba Hubba Revue: THAT OL' TIME RELIGION! Friday, September 19th, 9PM DNA Lounge, 375 Eleventh Street, SF $15, 21 & Up w/valid ID ($12 advance tickets at www.dnalounge.com ) See more at www.hubbahubbarevue.com HELP SPREAD THE GOOD WORD, Y'ALL! HUBBA HUBBA REVUE is brought to you by: Effen Vodka! Fernet Branca! Anheuser-Busch! Costume Party! Dark Garden Corsetry!

Today's sighting

Amy Zing — Sat, 13 Sep 2008 01:34:20 GMT

A truck from a company called "Nelson's Towing." All I could think of is the driver yells "HA ha" every time he's on his way to the impound lot.

Career choices...

Amy Zing — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 04:25:17 GMT

Mogul.... or Monger?

My Body Is Funny, Part XXIV

Amy Zing — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 06:16:19 GMT

This morning at work, I experienced a spontaneous nosebleed while "White Lines" by Grandmaster Flash was playing on our internet radio station. I've never done a line in my life. The hell?

From the I Didn't Need To See That Department...

Amy Zing — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 02:50:56 GMT

Yesterday morning on the way to work I was walking beside a very scrungy homeless man for a bit. We came up to a used Band-Aid™ on the sidewalk. He picked it up, looked it over, and put it in his pocket. Ew ew ew.

It's always something

Amy Zing — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 21:03:13 GMT

Sign outside a ritzy little candy shop on Sutter Street: "20+ Kinds Of Liquorice!" Me: "Don't threaten me."