My Life

Santa Cruz Bound

Michelle — Wed, 19 Sep 2007 17:40:14 GMT

So I will be making the move from Sacramento to Santa Cruz here VERY soon. After burning man I got home and decided it was time for change. It all fell into place so easily and immediately and I feel like it must be the right path. I start work on monday at my new job, and get to move into my new place in a couple of weeks...couch surfing in the meantime (thanks friends!). I will miss all my Sac buddies but there is plenty of room for you to stay in my new place, so dont be strangers.

I just returned...

Michelle — Wed, 16 May 2007 20:19:12 GMT

I dont even know where to begin - this was one of the most incredible experiences of my life. Its so hard to be home again... The Aegean Journey 27th April – 12 May 2007 27th April Overnight international flight to Istanbul. 28th April Arrive Istanbul Transfer to Hotel Hali (0090 212 516 2170) in Sultanahmet, the old city. Dinner will be at a local restaurant with Gypsy musicians. LD 29th April Istanbul Sightseeing of the old city. Topkapi Palace: home to the Ottoman sultans with visits to the Harem and Treasury. And The Justinian Cistern: built in the 6th century. After lunch we will visit the famous Suleymaniye Mosque where Suleyman the Magnificent and his wife Roxelane are buried. Dinner will be at the famous Kumkapi village with gypsy musicians and dancing in the streets. BLD 30th April Istanbul Free morning for relaxing or shopping the Grand Bazaar. Afternoon we will take a cruise on the Bosphorous Straight. It is one of the world’s most strategic waterways and runs and irregular course between the Black Sea and the Sea of Marmara. D 1st May Gokpinar Village House (0090 252 373 5750) Early flight to Dalaman for a full day tour to Dalyan and Turtle Beach; famous for its mud baths and Lycian rock tombs. We will take a private boat tour along the river to visit the mud baths, rock tombs, and the famous Turtle Beach. Late in the evening we will arrive at the village house. BLD 2nd May Gokpinar A day of learning the village life. The music and dance center is located on the mountain top with breathtaking views. There will be time to relax in the hammock, tree house, hot tub, or take a walk and find your own quite place. Later, there will be a village party with drumming and dancing. BLD 3rd May Gokpinar Another relaxing day of village life with optional local sightseeing. BLD 4th May Bodrum Harbor Enjoy a quiet morning at the village as we say goodbye to the group going back to Istanbul for the Gypsy Festival. Later in the morning we will transfer to Bodrum for a visit to the Hammam (Turkish Bath) or shopping in the bustling town of Bodrum. After 3:30 we board the yacht for our Blue Cruise. Dinner and overnight will be in Bodrum Harbor. BD 4th May – 10th May Greek Islands We will be sailing the Dodecanese Islands of Greece. Blue Cruise is the term used to describe sailing a yacht on the Aegean Sea. This traditional built, handmade wooden boat is called a gullet. It has a private bath in each cabin. The captain, crew, and cook are very experienced in handling the boat and catering to all our needs. Delicious Turkish cuisine, including 3 meals and afternoon tea will be served each day. Beverages and bottled water are available for purchase on board. The captain and crew are continuously at our disposal. There will be excursions offered to explore each island. BLD 10th May Kusadasi Charisma Hotel (0090 252 618 3266) We disembark the boat after breakfast and journey up the turquoise coast to a farm where we will shop at the local farmers market and enjoy a cooking class and a delicious meal in the farm house. There will be drumming and dancing with a local belly dancer and friends. BLD 11th May Istanbul Morning flight to Istanbul and transfer to Hali Hotel (0090 212 516 2170) B The remainder of the day is free for shopping, walking the cobblestone streets and enjoying lunch at one of the many sidewalk cafes, or relaxing on the hotel rooftop terrace to take in the awe inspiring views of the old city. Optional tours offered: Hagia Sophia: in Greek it translates-The Church of Divine Wisdom. It is one of the most important and impressive buildings ever constructed. A landmark in Istanbul; it was built in the 6th century, converted to an Imperial Mosque during the Ottoman Reign. It was the greatest church in Christendom until St. Peters Basilica was built in Rome a thousand years later. The Archeological Museums: There are 3 museums in the complex. They include treasures from Nineveh and the oldest writings from the Hittites and Egyptian kings, Greek and Roman marble statues from 500 BC, and Ottoman and Turkish art. Depending on your interest in very old art, fine statuary and tiles, you could spend between one and four hours in the museum complex. The easiest way to reach the museums is to go to the first court of Topkapi Palace (the tree-filled area open to the public without charge), turn left about midway into the court, walk down the cobbled street and look for the museum complex on your right. 12 May Transfer to airport.

Happenings and Updates

Michelle — Tue, 27 Feb 2007 21:46:02 GMT

So I am just about to test out for the first session of my Ayurvedic school. Its amazing how last year I was really concerned about changing my life and going - but now I am so glad that I was brave enough to try. Its challenging and difficult to balance with full time employment but I am so excited to see where this takes me. I have learned so much about myself, opened up my mind and my body to new experiences. I really have the desire to get a deeper understanding and practice of yoga as a routine in my life. I feel like it would create more balance for me. I also moved last year to an area that is in between Auburn and Grass Valley. Its almost time to move again since my lease is up and now I have to decide which direction to head. I love the alternative and open lifestyles of Grass Valley but I also love being closer to Sacramento and having the ability to experience what the city has to offer. I have a few months and that will all figure itself out. So much has changed in the last year - its truly amazing and when I look back I know that I am blessed - even from the things I found difficult. I am curious to see where this year will lead.

Breathe

Michelle — Wed, 04 Oct 2006 17:23:36 GMT

My thoughts go like this….what am I doing??? Am I crazy? Am I really going to start school? And then I also think….so often when I am confronted with things I want to back out at the last second. I usually push myself to go and then end up having a wonderful time… (I think I get that partially from my mom). I think about where my life could go, where other people thought it should have gone…where I once imagined it was going. I think about the money that I am putting towards school in 5 days…I think I could have bought a house instead. I become easily confused by the desires of society and the desires that pump through my own veins. I want so much from life and I don’t know that I will have the time for it all. I don’t know that I will have the money for it all. I choose the path of fulfillment which generally leaves me poor but happy. Will I make it? Will I fail? What if I am wrong? What if I am making the wrong decision? Rationally I know that decisions are merely just that…there is no wrong or right – there are lessons and adventures and none are better than the other (although at the time it might feel differently). My feelings are of anxiety, of fear, of judgment to myself. The feeling that I am going to fall apart, burst, go insane. Its like I am in the transition tunnel and I see the light but I just got my shoe caught in a trap and I am scrambling to get it out before the train comes and runs my ass over. Or I am riding a wave and can’t paddle fast enough to get going and the wave is about to crash over my head. I just got out of a relationship – a long one. As I look back I wonder how long it has been sucking my life essence, my spirit, and my freedom. I am thrilled and terrified all at the same time. How long until I get to move out – how quickly can I escape from this disaster? Where am I gonna frickin live??? Will I find love? What about cuddling? Good lord I need a dog… These are the ideas and thoughts running through my mind…its overwhelming. I feel like I need to work out until I drop. The adrenaline pumping through my body leaves me racing in my head. I know that this will pass – I know that there are many beautiful days ahead. Just yesterday I was sitting outside drinking tea and I was SO thankful for my life and SO thankful for the moment – and all the moments yet to come. I just need to breathe.

With the Flow

Michelle — Fri, 04 Aug 2006 15:54:45 GMT

You dip in the flowing river and then dip again. The water is not the same, since it is flowing. Likewise, every moment in our life is not the same. We too are not the same today, what we were yesterday. Like the river flows continuously, life too flows; thoughts flow, energy flows, blood flows, action flows, love flows. ~ Dr. Leo Rebello

Insecurity

Michelle — Fri, 23 Jun 2006 20:31:09 GMT

What an interesting emotion... How it affects so many areas of life. Trying to figure out how to know it and let it be. Insecurity and jealousy are the two emotions I most dislike...although I feel them. Why is it that the things in my life I dislike are the things I often feel most? Well maybe not the most but they sure make a big impact. They have so much power right now and I am not sure how to take that back. Is it possible to have a relationship with someone where there is honesty – pure honesty? Who would chicken out first – who would end up being the most hurt? Is that even realistic? Why do I feel threatened when someone I love speaks of other women… It is the scariest places that are the most difficult to enter… This is my current mission.

What will happen...

Michelle — Tue, 20 Jun 2006 20:34:50 GMT

I am really afraid of society at times...maybe I should just say that I am afraid of the United States...I dont really know enough about other countries to make any distinctions. This whole immigration thing has been making me very nervous lately. I dont even have cable, I dont watch TV but I have heard enough comments, stories and radio broadcasts to be concerned. Americans as a whole are very lucky people - thats NOT to say that we dont have our hardships (rape, abuse, violence, family issues, etc.) but all in all most of us (especially those on tribe) probably have shelter, food, and a computer. I would consider that pretty well off. I dont even know what I want to say about this except that I wish we could all practice more empathy... Are any of our lives SOOO bad that we would NEED to move to another country to survive, to feed our families, to work? I really dont think so. And if we DID move to another country - a country whose language was foreign to us, dont you think it might be difficult to learn that language, and scary to be there at first? Dont you think you would want to surround yourself with people who spoke English? People who reminded you of where you came from for security? It hurts my heart to hear people say that "those immigrants should only speak English"....well F*&% give them a CHANCE! English (from what I hear) is one of the most difficult languages to learn...and that doesnt even include all the slang terms we use! Why does it affect you if a person cant speak perfect English? Is it because you may have to take an extra 30 seconds to have them repeat themselves...or that you may have to listen a little harder to try and understand... How on earth does it affect you personally? Are they taking YOUR jobs? Tell me...how does a person with no social security card and very little understanding of the English language affect your chances of employment? And then I hear..."well they are draining our welfare system!" Well let me tell you that people cant get welfare if they dont have a social security card and a form of identification. I worked in social services for 7 years and it hurt me to watch some of the immigrant families I would come across receive no medical, no dental and no financial assistance! My point is that I feel like this whole issue is just promoting hatred....it seems like we always have to hate someone, some group of people and it just shifts with the latest craze. I am scared for the Hispanic people of this country and I say Hispanic because its not just Mexican people who will take the judgment, the harsh comments, etc. It is anyone who looks Mexican, looks Hispanic, looks Indian, and the list goes on. I am tired of hearing the word IMMIGRANT in a negative connotation... If it wasnt for immigration I would never have had the opportunity to go to school, to get a degree, to go out and help others in this country...and I am sure the same goes for many others whether Hispanic, Italian, whatever! There has always been prejudice...this isnt a new concept...but I just feel like America is almost giving us permissin to be racist and many people are loving it... I just cant believe the comments I am hearing from people and RADIO DJ's! These are people who speak to a huge audience....its terrifying. The other day I was in a dance class and a Mexican family walked in...it was dad, mom and 2 daughters taking the class.. Dad and one daughter just sat back and watched whlie mom and older daughter danced. During the next class someone said to me...."I hope that man doesnt come today why cant he just let his wife dance...those people are so possessive", and went on and on and on... She said this IN FRONT OF ME! Now I know I dont 'look' Mexican whatever the F#&*% THAT means but give me a break. Did you ever think that maybe the family has only one car? Did you ever think that maybe they came as a family to SUPPORT one another? Its just CRAZY how we are so quick to judge and spew racism from our mouths (I include myself in this because I know there are times when I dont think before I speak)....It just hurts and I am just sad. I fear this will get out of control.

Interview Me

Michelle — Fri, 09 Jun 2006 19:20:57 GMT

Interview rules: 1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me." 2. I will respond by asking you five questions. I get to pick the questions. 3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions. 4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post. 5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions. Questions: 1) Your profile name is Phoenix, and there is some very interesting information on your profile about the phoenix itself. Why does this animal resonate with you so much? The idea of Phoenix is that of constant rebirth and I think that my life has been a series of constant rebirths with many still to come. It’s as though one part of me burns up and the new part is something better, wiser, stronger… For instance: I grew up on a farm of sorts (lots of property, horses, etc. – I was in 4-H lol) country girl until the age of 9…Then we moved into the city. My whole life changed, I got into gangs, had a bad attitude, threatened to beat people up all the time, etc. (I was a real bitch – probably that girl you hated looking at wrong in high school). (Not many people who know me now believe I could have been that person.) I had NO drive or desire to improve myself – wanted to get pregnant at 14 with a guy who beat me and go on welfare. Then another shift…I woke up (long story) went to college – ended up getting a masters degree in counseling psych and became a therapist for kids (who were a lot like me). Shift again – burnt out started working in the software industry (no offense to anyone, but ick!) Shift again – re-establishing who I am, studying yoga, ayurveda, eating right, making major changes towards improving who I am now…this is where I am today….feel like I just stepped out of the fire and got back on course. Hence the Phoenix. 2) What is your biggest obstacle at this point in your life? 2 things that I think are very connected – Change and Fear. Creating the change, sticking with it, the fear that I won’t make it. 3) When life gets hectic, what do you do to reconnect with yourself? YOGA! I read (I love reading!), journaling - oh and crying. It feels so good to have a good cry and let all the crap wash out! 4) What is was the biggest fear you have overcome, and how did you overcome it? I remember having the most fear when I left this ex-boyfriend of mine (remember the one from above). He threatened to kill my family, kill me, etc. etc. It wasn’t even that I cared that much about myself at the time – just please Don’t Mess with My Family! How did I overcome that…wow it’s funny because I never thought about that before but besides doing the safety first thing (like warning the family, etc.) I really prayed (I was catholic at the time) and I would constantly envision a circle of protection around myself and my family. It was like a protection shield (my first spell hehe). I would also envision myself as a huge cobra snake and it made me feel stronger, more powerful dangerous (don’t you dare f*#% with me kinda imagery). He finally went away. **whew** 5) What is your favorite quote, and why? Oh tough question – Right now its: “In Dwelling live close to the ground, in thinking keep to the simple, in conflict be fair and generous” Tao Te Ching Please post the rules and your answers to your blog and see who else wants to be interviewed :) I look forward to reading your answers. Michelle ** Thanks Jharma - this is interesting!

Love without Attachment

Michelle — Thu, 08 Jun 2006 18:44:13 GMT

I was told recently that I have a big heart and I need to protect it and when I said how do I do that without shutting off he said ' Love without attachment ' That was the first time I had ever heard that term ~ and when I started to really think about it I realized how attached I truly am. Now I am trying to find that balance and figure out how this works... I find that I have organically been following this path for awhile...I have made giant steps towards letting go, respecting myself, my needs, and those things I truly want to do. I realize that I do hold on, I do have jealousy, I put my own needs aside for those of others. I have a journey ahead to truly realize what this means and how to change.