What a Gift.

Sometimes in life we get gifts that are unexpected or never even came into our mind. This recently happened to me. I have had a couple of tough years, with school and finding a job, buying myself new stuff has been secondary to everything else.
So a few months ago, I finally got a good job, I love my job and everyone there. The days go by fast and the pay is okay. Most of all I enjoy the job and consider myself lucky to have it.
I still have not allowed myself to treat myself to anything for many reasons. I recently went to the store and was just going to buy myself some new make-up. The sign said it was half off. Good deal I thought, I will treat myself to something. When it rang out the register, well it wasn't. So I put it back.
A few days later, one of the doctors came into the back office and asked who wanted to try something. I sat and listened and decided why not. I almost backed down, when I watched the women before me go, lol, chicken, I have piercings in places and here I was scared. LOL
Then I said to myself, this is a gift, one that I would never be able to get otherwise. So I did it. LOL
So you want to know what it was...It was that new botox stuff called Radiesse, the kind that takes away the smile lines. LOL I am so amazed at what this shot did for my face. I can not imagine it. Now I know why women will pay $1,000 a shot for it, This stuff is magical. LOL
The doctor who gave it to me, knew nothing of my struggles for the last couple of years. I did however make sure I got him a "Thank you" card, which he hung up in his office. This shot was far better then any make up I could of bought that day.
I was very lucky that day to receive such a gift.
Love
Autumn

Life

LIfe moves forward each day. Last weekend, since Ed had company, I had the oppotunity to go spend time with my friends. I had a awesome weekend, went out, went to movies, basically just had a great time.

Each day I keep working towards to goal that I started working towards that day three years ago.

I mean would he actually think I would stay here. I mean hell, we have not played in three years or had sex together. Why would I stay. I mean for the most part I am freakin miserable,

On a good day, I can say to myself, just a little more time I need to get my shit together and find a place and other days I am like, shit, just move into a shelter and start living your life again.

I mean when it comes to me, no matter what I do, I will not be good enough for him, lol, I no longer try, and I find myself not liking the way I am because of this. He is not good enough for me, I deserve better.

Each day I take a step forward or stay at the same place, I have not falling backwards, nor do I forget the things I hear and see.

Well enough of my shit.
love
me

So

So, so much has been going on. The good news is that I finally, finally got a good job in Sebastopol. Doing what I went to school for. Now I have nothing stopping me from my next step of moving forward.

Each small step I take is getting me further down the road where I want to be.

Love
me

bye bye now!!!!!

That job didnt last long. LOL Back to the drawing board and to continue to have faith that something is going to change soon in my life for the better. I mean I am putting in the footwork so eventually something is going to change.

love
autumn

I DIDI IT

So here I sit the wimp that I am. You all know that I took a job in Pleasanton that was a temp. job for tax season and then the other day I got the call from the job that I really wanted. The one that I had to tell the truth to. Well today I started there and I still have to make that phone call that says I will not be back. I had off today so it was not like I just called in.

This job is pemanent job with benefits and all that good stuff and plus I can walk to work each day.

It does not consist of me staying on someone's couch and then still driving a hour to work each morning and spending over $100 a week in gas to just get to work plus another $60 roundtrip to get home on the weekends. So with out food or anything it was over $160 a week just to get to work.

This is the job I fought for that I wanted and that I felt would be a good fit for me and here it is and I should be so excited and the only thing I can think about is making that phone call to say thank you but I have to stop coming in.

Oh the old me just wants to crawl into a hole and just hide but I know I can not do that.

Being a grown-up sucks sometimes and doing the right thing is not always easy,

Love
autumn

So...

So it has already been a long day today and it is only 2:30. Why I even came back up here this weekend is now behind me. I spent the entire time up here completely by myself.
It is I am finding so hard to let go of something that is no longer mine. If I keep myself busy I don't think about it and I get strong and then I take ten steps back like this weekend. I should of never come back up here. It would be easier if the cats were with me, but since I am staying with a friend that is not easy to do.
Oh, I just am feeling sorry for myself now-a-days.
I guess I will try and stay strong next weekend and not come back up North and find things to keep myself busy someplace else.
love
autumn

It was nice to meet you!

So over the last few days, on another lifestyle site, I have been speaking to another female sub. So since we lived in the same town we meet for coffee today. It is always nice to meet with someone new who you can become friends with and go out and do things with. We are hoping to go to one of the Citidel Singles nights together. It is easier to walk in with someone then to walk in alone.
So as a women, you know, you kinda stress, well what do I wear, lol, trival things you know. So I decided to just casual with my hair down and jeans and shirt that well, kinda accented the boobs, You know, lol Not that anyone cares.

So this new job really sucks, I am suppose to be writing my resume today and to start looking for another job. This job is well to say the least not very exciting and not much for me to do. I sat the other day for hours with nothing in front of me to do, even though I asked for things to do, there was nothing for me to do. I hate to be bored and staring at the clock.

Bitch Bitch Moan and Complain......I wish I had something to do tonight.

I might play with someone on Monday but have not made up my mind yet. I love playing....don't you?

I really got to get out more as I misssss it sooooooo very much.

Love
autumn

Dreaming

Don't you sometimes just wish you could just dream your life the way you wish it could be. I mean I have had enough stress and BS to last me a life time just recently. I wish I could just poof myself to where I want to be.
I am back up in the North Bay until Monday and am thinking it would of been smart to stay up in the East Bay. I don't know, I am so confused and just wish sometimes things that I plan would go the way I want them to.
Taking this job in Pleasanton has just added more stress to my life. It is a hour drive from where I am staying. This first week it cost me, well I should say it cost Lord, $150 for me to start work and another $150 for next week. Did you ever feel like someone was paying to get rid of you.

Is it wrong to want it all out of life? To have fun and to maybe if your lucky fall in love with someone that actually loves you back.?

Is it wrong to ask questions? I hate the answer "your on a need to know basis."

Is it easier to give up the fight and let it go. Just give up and walk away.

Is it wrong to want to make new friends and do fun things with, the reason you got involved in the lifestyle to begin with.?

What to do what to do and more what to do!!!!!

I think I want to go back to sleep and stop thinking about all this crap.

Do we have to lose everything before we can start to rebuild?

When is Enough? When do you finally give up?

I am free to do what I want when I want and with whom I want but I think what is driving me nuts is the fact that I have not found anyone to have some fun with as of yet!!!!!

Oh well, once again the word patience fall's in to my head and I am sick and tired of being patient.

Autumn

Being Nice Pays

So yesterday was my first day at work and at staying at a friends house.
The dominant that gave me the job is extremly nice and so is everyone in the office.
My friend who is letting me stay with him gave up his bedroom for me so I would be comfortable.
It still is a hour drive from my friends house to the office and the offfice gave me hours for which I could still drive and not sit in traffice.
It really pays to be nice and honest in life....
Gotta Rush
Love
autumn

Off to Work I go.

Well I finally got a job, in Pleasanton, LOL I know doesent it just suck. A dominant from another site that I have a blog on wrote me for my resume and he had his office manager call me and give me a interview. I guess it pays to allows be nice. It is only until the end of tax season but it will give me something up to date on my resume.
I work Tuesday thru Saturday and stay at a friends house and then I drive back up to the North Bay and stay there until Monday night and then head back down to the east bay.
But it is a job and I am grateful even if it is only for a few months.

Gotta Rush
Love
autumn