Today I performed for the third time in my life, but this performance has been different from my others in that it was not organized by my dance studio.

It was International Week at college, so I did this little performance because I thought it would be a good idea to start taking low-key, low-stress student performance type of opportunities so that I can get used to performing in front of an audience.

I have always, always been extremely shy and all my life I had so much stage freight. So every time I perform, it's a big deal for me.

Today I was not nervous beforehand... the audience was small and consisted mostly of my college's International Center staff, some members of the International Students Association, and some classmates I invited.

During the actual performance though, I became very self-conscious. I don't remember this happening during my other performances, I think it happened because since I was not performing to the same kind of audience that would watch student performances from the dance studio (AKA supportive, cheerful), I felt that they might think my dancing is vulgar or be weirded out by it... no one seemed to be enjoying it! So I wished I could hide, and I started feeling that my dancing was all over the place, that my arms were out of control, etc... but I kept going, because, what else could I do?

After I danced, I probably took the awkwardest bow in the world and started to walk away in my usual goofy way (I really should have planned out my exit!), but people wanted to ask me questions, to I went back to my performing area and started answering the questions... people were so interested! I must have given an entire speech on belly dance by the time I was done answering questions. They asked me where the dance comes from, whether it has any meaning, differences between styles, how long I've been dancing, whether I have any other dance background, whether my teacher is Egyptian, so many questions! I was so excited to answer everything (and glad I have been so interested in belly dance as to have looked up all such things). Every single person in the audience--save for one--individually came up to me and complimented me on my dancing.

Although I felt like I did a terrible job, I was happy to find out that those people did not find my dancing vulgar or bad, and I was happy to have had the courage to go out on my own and dance. Once I saw the actual video, I realized that it was not as bad as I thought! Yes, it had a lot of technique issues. I have problems with my transitions, my musicality, my control and technique. But those are problems I have regardless of whether I am dancing in my room by myself or in front of teachers and staff and classmates at school. In fact, I think I was more fluid and less "all over the place" than in a lot of videos I have recorded alone. The biggest problem with the video of my performance, then, is my lack of expression, which I do not lack so much when I am by myself.

If I had not let my self-consciousness get to me, I would have done so much better. I looked visibly nervous and if I just pretended everything was fine, I could have looked happy like a belly dancer (at least one dancing to Eshta Ya Amar) should. But I can't go back in time, so I will try to learn from this. Meanwhile, any tips on my messy technique would be greatly appreciated! Here's the video: www.youtube.com/watch