My Blog

The Pix are Up

Sam Fabulous — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 03:40:48 GMT

Finally! http://www.flickr.com/photos/23272860@N08/

the gift is in me

Sam Fabulous — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 18:09:35 GMT

It is empowering to know that I ended a business partnership and still hold onto the vision. It is empowering to know that my resume holds work experience that the most disinterested would still be awestruck by. It is empowering to take all the work I have done, all the connections I have made and all of the things I have put in motion...and share that with reliable, passionate, appreciative, knowledgeable, awesome people. Awesome!

Where the sidewalk ends...

Sam Fabulous — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 06:24:43 GMT

Just me, Just me Sweet Marie, she loves just me (She also loves Maurice McGhee), No she don't, she loves just me (She also loves Louise Dupree). No she don't, she loves just me (She also loves the willow tree). No she don't, she loves just me! (Poor, poor fool, why can't you see She can love others and still love thee.) Ah...Shel Silverstein, you once again remind me that sometimes where the sidewalk ends...is just where the good stuff begins!

"I have a dream"

Sam Fabulous — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 22:57:03 GMT

This week I began teaching a class to Korean-born high school students who have emigrated to the United States sometime in the past 5 years. I am teaching an English class and that includes literature, writing and grammar. For the first day (yesterday) I brought in my favorite poem (which seems to scream my name these days, "The Road Not Taken" by Frost. It evolved into a discussion and then writing assignment on what their roads not taken (or taken) were. I was startled to hear first-hand accounts of such tough situations. Two wrote about what it was like to come to this country, knowing no one, not knowing the language and "not getting the stuff Americans do." Next I presented the Gettysburg Address and we not only took apart the speech itself but we talked about Abraham Lincoln. They blew my mind when they started to share insights about what had been like to grow up in an oppressive country, what it "felt like to kinda be a slave" and what they saw as opportunities in America. Today I brought in one of my favorite speeches from one of my heroes, Martin Luther King, Jr's "I have a dream speech". A planned 30 minute lesson took up the 2 hour class. One student asked if they could write their own "I have a dream speech" and while I had already planned something similar to that, I was inspired (so fucking inspired!) to read what their dreams were. Despite already having lived through some difficult times, these students are so filled with hope and optimism and truly love America and the ideas for what it stands for. I find myself (often as I think many of us do) getting frustrated at our government, at people's lack of apathy and at the choices we make (don't get me started on the situation in Darfur or the environment or the growing list of animals on the endangered list!). I was so inspired now only by the students hunger to learn but by their heartfelt feelings for America and all that is possible. It was amazing!

Skype. All hail Skype. Thank God for Skype.

Sam Fabulous — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 21:34:15 GMT

I have been feeling so disconnected from folks lately. I know now that life goes that way and people get busy (we all do). I have been still feeling the "miss". So Skype. I tried skype once in January and it SUCKED. I have since learned it was not skype but my computer. Now with Carrie (my new Sex and the City pink computer), she is fast (not loose, fast!) and I tried Skype again today with a friend. Within the little computer icon connecting, there was my friend and the friend could see me and I INSTANTLY I was connected. Truly the power of being VISIBLE and SEEN. It was amazing and incredible and I am now wanting everyone I know to skype. Dude...I even use props!

FC does the Playboy mansion!

Sam Fabulous — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 15:24:22 GMT

I had a funny dream. C@R and I went to South Africa for the Freedom Event (dont ask me) and we stayed in the Playboy mansion. All the girls were there and we were playing with Coco (Hef's real monkey). C@R was trying to make out with Dave Navarro (I love him from my favorite MTV reality show) and I was one of Hef's girlfriends. (Me! Ms. "I am not so sure about the whole poly thing.) I was crying because a man and woman from FC kept waking me up with their bird call impressions and I was overtired and wanted to sleep. Hef kept rubbing my back (but he had hands like another man I know) and he was saying how he had never seen me cry before and he was very upset about it. He volunteered to buy me the mansion next door so I could sleep. I was showing Hef my freedomcommunity tattoo again (he said he liked to see it) when my alarm went off. Now THAT is some funny shit!

Funny is as Funny does!

Sam Fabulous — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 20:27:32 GMT

A few weeks ago a friend shared that the most important quality they value in our relationship and the thing they love most about me is my humor. That kinda caught me off guard. I do have a secret dream of doing a 5 minute stand-up routine (wow, just said it out loud) and I know I make myself laugh ALL THE TIME and friends around me do seem to giggle and laugh from time to time but am I funny? Jimmy, my dog, has been known to leave the room as I laugh so hard I pee (yes, I have! I admit it!!). So I started asking my friends. Almost every single person loudly and emphatically agreed and relayed a funny thing I said or described my humor and all seemed to echo the same sentiments...Sam is not only Fabulous but also Funny! I recognize that as I grow more and more comfortable in my own skin, I am able to be funnier and be more comfortable in my crazy (sometimes admittedly nutty) skin. I think of myself as smart, creative, insightful and a host of other things. I also know that I want to put funny at the top of that list. I want people to feel good around me and laughter (for me) seems to "seal the memories in tight". And I have decided to accept and believe it. I am funny, damnit. Fuck, who knew??

Roll Call

Sam Fabulous — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 05:38:52 GMT

I added something to the mural (which has slowly taken over almost every room in my home). I added a big black square and on the top I wrote: Roll Call. On the bottom, I wrote "Remember the Love". I chose the location...in the living room, close to my bedroom door. I would see the list from every room, coming and going. Up until this point, there had been no names written by me on the wall. Seemed so permanent to write a name. Then during the last week of February, I decided to claim that. That permanence. The names. And I started writing (by hand), in no particular order, the names. And the names on this Roll Call had one criteria to be there: I love them and they love me. Not just folks I know. Not just folks who love me. This was to be a Roll Call in the truest sense...taking roll of who is in my heart. And I put no expectation on the numbers that would sit in that box and I left lots of room for all the future names. And something took over me as I wrote. I would take a moment and dive into a memory or two of the name I was writing....a happy moment, a shared moment, a growing moment, a giggly moment... It was one of the happiest moments I remember in the creation of my mural. I felt each person's spirit suddenly arrive in the space. I stood back and looked at my Roll Call. It filled me with such laughter and love. It catches my eye every time I enter and leave my bedroom and the Roll Call seem to draw visitors to it when they are in my home. It has this energy around it, such a loving powerful energy. And I can't wait to add to the Roll Call. I am a lucky girl to be loved and TO LOVE so very many amazing people!

swinging from the branches

Sam Fabulous — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 19:39:29 GMT

I want to swing from the branches. I want to climb a mountain and stand at the top and look down. Then I want to climb to the next highest peak and look back at what I just thought was "so high". And I want to keep climbing up and up and up. I want to get dirty: wet from water and muddy from the earth and get twigs and leaves and grass in my hair. I want to draw red hearts all over my body as a reminder to MYSELF to love every part with a heart and those without. I want to sleep squished in with those who love me, get me and who I know I see clearly. I want to eat Godiva in a bathtub while I laugh and giggle and splash us with water so it gets all over the bathroom and will surely be a pain in the neck to clean up. I want to feel the heat of the sun on my face and when I open my eyes, I want to be blinded by all the light I feel inside. I want to touch everything and everyone, knowing I may get pricked amdist this doing. I want to feel and touch every kind of love and to return the favor to the world for letting me reside here. I am slowly losing my mind...Thank God! I am slowly finding all that is love...Thank God! I am... I am... I am...

I AM ALIVE

Sam Fabulous — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 19:17:06 GMT

I feel the energy and the light and the love pulsing through me, going into everyone and everything around me that is seen and unseen. I feel love turn towards me and welcome me into all that it is. I am keenly aware of the gift and I want to share it and give it to all. It is amazing to be loved and to love.

I AM LOVED

Sam Fabulous — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 03:40:07 GMT

My life has changed. I have changed. I AM LOVED. I AM RESPECTED. I AM NOT ALONE. I HAVE AMAZING GIFTS TO GIVE. I HAVE AMAZING GIFTS TO RECEIVE. I AM SURROUNDED BY THE BEST WHICH MAKES ME THE BEST. I RESIDE IN GREATNESS. I FIND BEAUTY IN THE WORLD AROUND ME AND WITHIN. GOD IS PRESENT. LOVE IS PRESENT. I AM FULLY PRESENT.

The wheels are in motion

Sam Fabulous — Thu, 06 Dec 2007 18:43:33 GMT

The wheels of change are in motion. I woke up feeling them so strongly. Tonight I fly to Los Angeles where a dear, loving woman will bear witness to my commitment...to have the symbol (of freedom, community, love, acceptance and greatness!) become a permanent part of my physical, as it has already become a part of my spiritual. I woke up with the weight of that commitment bearing down. Luckily I had a tree to run to, to find shade and safety under until the storm passed. And then it is off to NYC for a birthday with someone I love, but have never met. And to spend the night cuddled up beside another love I have ever spent 4 hours with. And to touch the face of a model who has taught me that I get to walk on the catwalk as well. And to feel the strong arms of a man who reminds me to smile. And to spend a day learning about and being a member of this community! And then an event...designed to inspire, delight and terrify me. Fuck I am ready! And then more cuddling and loving and laughing. My life is changing and it is so amazing to know that!

a day of gratitude

Sam Fabulous — Wed, 05 Dec 2007 06:56:51 GMT

I felt such gratitude today...at everything. I was grateful to wake up to a text message from a piece of my heart and following it up with a phone call of insight and laughter. I always loved chocolate...now I love it more! I smiled at the sunshine and the way it blinded me to the negativity today. I yelled for joy at hearing that NYC voice come over the phone and could picture his face and his eyes and feel his arms around me. I giggled the way my student giggled in delight when I kissed her on the cheek and told her she "looked yummy today". I delighted in the way my friends all pitched in and played a part in creating the art that will stay on and with me forever...for as long as I want. I bathed in the 30 minute conversation with a scary sexy model turned loving, AWESOME friend. I loved...myself and that is what I am most grateful for!

2 hours and 40 minutes on a birthday

Sam Fabulous — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 04:38:29 GMT

What a cool 2 hours and 40 minutes spent today on a phone call. And it was interrupted by dropped calls, weather and us both running out our batteries. And yet the calls persisted without a break in conversation. We laughed, shared, struggled and spent time telling each other why we love the other. Not only did I spend the first 12 hours of today with this friend but also these 2 hours and 40 minutes...and on this friend's birthday. Guess that tells me where I stand...in the heart. Something I NEED to remember for when I start to spin, spin, spin. I kept saying I was lucky. Corrected over and over...WE are lucky. Who am I to argue with that?

greatness

Sam Fabulous — Sun, 02 Dec 2007 23:46:21 GMT

A student asked me what my "cool necklace" was for. I said, "My friends and I have them so we remember to love each other and be honest and take care of each other." He thought for a minute and said, "That is cool. Shouldn't we all do that?" Ah...4th graders get it so that stands to reason that everyone else should! Sleeping with it on was interesting. I kept instincitvely reaching for it, as if it would have fallen off. In the shower I noticed how it felt wet and on. Getting dressed today it caught in the sleeve of my shirt. Constantly reminded. Constantly appreciative. Constantly smiling. I walk with and in greatness!

I am home

Sam Fabulous — Sun, 02 Dec 2007 03:13:00 GMT

Putting today into words is no easy task. In the dark, I found a light and the light met my light and today we created an energy and a passion and our love grew. In the light I came home. And across the United States, the light was shared and radiated back and forth. And it was good. And it was beautiful.

what do I want?

Sam Fabulous — Sat, 01 Dec 2007 06:11:13 GMT

A friend said today, "I did not know you even liked that." I instantly replied, "I did not know I liked it either" and then something hit me HARD... I don't even know what I like and don't like. I have spent so much time being what people expect, acting how people expect, thinking how people expect, doing what people expect that it is only now that I am learning and discovering what I want. It is a thrilling and rich process and an interesting one as well. I continue to shock myself. There is certainly some "self-hate tapes" running through my mind as I try each thing but I choose to stay in positivity and embrace the new and the possibility. I want to be surrounded by, amidst, reside within and completely encompass love. And I don't want to define what that means. I want to sit with it. Bask in it. Enjoy it. Take pleasure in it. Share it. Give it away. That's what I want.

and around and around and around we go

Sam Fabulous — Fri, 30 Nov 2007 06:22:49 GMT

Spinning. Dizzy. Head Hurts. Nothing distinct or with shape, all blurry images. No colors, all blacks and greys with some dirty whites. No sounds, only heart-wrenching screams. No touch. Hard to breathe. Throat hurts from holding in the screaming tears. Back hurts from the way I sat for 34 minutes. Came out of it alive, breathing...barely. Silence... from a strong tree. Silence...from a fellow field visitor. Silence...from a fan. Is there love in the silence? Can I find the love? A voice... Another voice... I love you...once... I love you...again... Still silence...learning to sit within it.

And it keeps on growing

Sam Fabulous — Wed, 28 Nov 2007 19:26:20 GMT

What an amazing, incredible, awesome day I had yesterday which propelled me into waking up today with the biggest smile. Love is an amazing feeling. Pretty obvious, right? Not necessarily for this girl...it's a brand new concept. To accept the idea that I need love, deserve love and can give love in the purest form without it costing anything or expecting anything in return, I am overwhelmed at the gift. God, fate, the universe, me, you...someone or something brought all the pieces together at this time in my life. I am so blessed to have met and made the friends I have. I am so blessed to hear them say, "I love you" and to be able to sit in that, bring it to a boil and then drink it in like a yummy tea. I am so blessed to be healthy and moving and breathing. I am so blessed to find myself with company (for the first time?) on this path called life. I am so blessed. I am so blessed. I am so blessed.

Why do you love me?

Sam Fabulous — Tue, 27 Nov 2007 22:46:44 GMT

I took a risk and I asked loved ones why they loved me. I had some vague notion of what would be returned to me...yet another example of my confusing intention with expectation. The love that poured through from people I love so much served as a moment of holiness and filled me with gratitude and even more love. It also made me think about the answer had they asked it of me.

The wind is a mighty thing

Sam Fabulous — Tue, 27 Nov 2007 18:57:04 GMT

A great and funny way to start my day today. I got out of bed, with a painful hangover of last night's mistakes but decided to honor my commitment to love Sam (not hate her) and I took my fabulous dog for a walk. He was happy as a clam! About 20 minutes into the walk her started barking in a very excited fashion. Not one to usually bark and not seeing another soul on the street I was a bit confused. The it dawned on me...he was barking at the wind. I started telling him, "It's okay honey. You are safe. I am here. The wind is a good thing. It provides pollen to those flowers you love and it just lifts things up, shakes them around a bit and then allows them to set back down in a new way. The stronger the wind, the better." Then the words of AH-HA! rang through me. A perfect analogy for how my life is working right now. I am not Dororthy and I am not going to fly away with the wind so I just have to keep remembering that this shaking around and re-settling is for my greater good.

A new day is dawning

Sam Fabulous — Tue, 27 Nov 2007 10:18:06 GMT

I am a woman, one who is searching for courage, beauty, happiness, faith, hope and laughter...within herself and others. I desire people around me who are positive, beautiful, courageous bearers of yellows and pinks and greens. I no longer wish to live in a black and grey world. Tonight I hit "rock bottom" and I did it in front of 2 men I love a great deal. Not an easy space to reside in. And while they did not join me in my hole and help inflict pain (as others in the past have done), they also did not leave me alone. They hugged and held me, yet demanded me to look into the darkness and find my light. It was not an easy process and I admit the landscape stil has shades of grey. Tonight was huge in other ways too...I discovered what being loved really felt like for I found it and felt it in the grey. I realized that I could fall apart and cry and yell and beat myself to a bloody pulp but I would not convince these men out of loving me. And Lord I tried! And it is not just these two...my circle of friends and those who love the best version of me grows. I see so many amazing things in them, they demand I display the amazing parts of me and I sit in the knowledge that these people choose to include me in their lives. t was a dark and grey day but the day ends in this early morning light of a new day. The new day brings with it a new chance. A new chance at loving MYSELF, being a service to others, appreciating all the gifts bestowed upon me, offering thanks for those who stand by me and being the best version of me.