My Blog

Beloved

Sandie — Tue, 28 Nov 2006 23:52:33 GMT

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. You will never, never be alone --- My love, my own, I will come to you in countless ways Through all your nights and days: Quietly as evening falls On curves of song, In colored flame, in shadows on your walls

Into the Light

Sandie — Sat, 11 Nov 2006 06:44:25 GMT

From the unreal lead me to the real! From darkness lead me to light! From death lead me to immortality! -- Brihad-Aranyaka Upanishad, I. 3.28

Feelings

Sandie — Thu, 09 Nov 2006 12:08:37 GMT

A Feeling An Authentic Feeling I didn’t know that there were regulations and parameters on feelings An even more constructive way of feeling without offending others And keeping it on myself Staying true to myself Understanding myself Now I see –now I know I’m abrasive; it’s true –when sharing my feelings I’ve lost many on the way to finding me However, one thing is true that I learned long ago That what I’m feeling, is just a feeling And that doesn’t make what I feel true or real I understand this much about myself Though often disguised, it’s Fear Fear of not being: Good enough Smart enough Pretty enough Thin enough Fear of being left behind And other bedroom monsters from childhood tears So, I’ll take the new tools that have been given to me And I’ll use them wisely To banish Fear from my Kingdom And try to speak from the truest part of me First I have to learn to crawl Before I can walk

Of Pain & Cups

Sandie — Wed, 08 Nov 2006 23:54:14 GMT

Stolen from Khalil Gibran's The Prophet : And a woman spoke, saying, "Tell us of Pain." And he said: Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain. And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy; And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields. And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief. Much of your pain is self-chosen. It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self. Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity: For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen, And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.

Guess?

Sandie — Tue, 07 Nov 2006 19:07:26 GMT

Guess what I found out today? I found out that if you share your feelings you get punished for it. I was taught the same thing at home while growing up. I might as well move back in with my mother. Read it and weep. I am.

My Beloved Writes to Me

Sandie — Mon, 06 Nov 2006 06:09:30 GMT

Feelings that once were hidden Are now expressed to you. Days that once were stormy Are now the brightest blue. Times that once were lonely Are now filled with pleasure. All that once was mine alone Are now things we both treasure. Nights that once were cold Are now comforting and warm. Fears that once were very real Are now gone with the storm. A heart that once was broken Can now finally mend. A person once alone in life Can now call you a friend. Dreams that once were longed for Are now all coming true. The love I once thought was gone I have now and forever in you.

Doh!

Sandie — Sun, 05 Nov 2006 12:55:54 GMT

Doh! Good advice stolen from the "Love Cursed" Tribe - It's so simple it sucks. Damn, I could of spent the last ten years with me instead. Below advice is not applicable to everyone but it was in my case. Alas, I always want to think the best of everyone. Doh! * Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, Why would he treat you any differently? And finally: * They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them. For me, the above quote is not true. Today is the most thought I've given to my last relationship of ten years (God, what agony)... It took me 3 days to pack.. 1 day to book my flight... a week's stay at my gf's house and 3 months to get grounded. It doesn't take an entire lifetime to forget them. You just walk out the door and say, "Fuck it". Go boldly towards your future and never look back. I have found that if you look back - you become frozen with over analyzation and you lose today. Could of, would of, should of, but, if, and what. There are no what if's. You know the story and you know how it ends. As for me, I ran like a rabbit let out of it's hutch. Sweet freedom. If it was that good, you'd be there -and so would I.

Legacy

Sandie — Sat, 04 Nov 2006 14:33:29 GMT

The legacy my father left me is huge: a curiosity about life, a hunger for knowledge, a passion for the arts, a love of books, and a sense that anything is possible if you work hard at it. Tanja, You may or may not realize this, but your father left me the same legacy. All the passion that I have for art, books, photography, architecture, Sci-Fi films, etc., is and continues to be a direct result of having had your father in my life. The backroom at Coldwater was always filled with wonderful and fantastic books. Your father never discouraged me from reading whatever my heart desired. He was incredibly intelligent and had huge visions. I deeply admired that about him. He was also a fabulous artist with a very detailed mind. More to be admired. Even though we had our differences in the beginning, I wouldn't of traded his influence on me for anyone else. He opened up my mind to new avenues and new ways of thinking. He also had a wicked sense of humor! We shared many laughs in this lifetime. I dedicate my library room (here in Louisiana) to the memory of your father and the man that I considered my father as well. Love, Sandie P.S. Once, when I was around 17 or so, your Dad and I had an in depth discussion in regards to what happens to us after we die. His belief was that once your physical body died that you ceased to exist. That there would be nothing, you would be nothing, and that it would be final. Period. I remember clearly, the long, silent pause that crept between us. After which, I looked at him and said, "Boy, are you gonna be surprised". He laughed hard at that! I hope that your Dad was surprised -in the most astounding and positive way. We all live on, even if only in someone else's memory.

Seek & Find

Sandie — Thu, 02 Nov 2006 14:43:46 GMT

"Seek and ye shall find..." Never one to lie down and take it, I began to scroll the internet with no destination in mind. I came upon this and it was like looking into a mirror. Counterdependent Go away Fear of being taken hostage, of being smothered *Tough, strong and independent - sometimes seems abrasive, abusive, and cold *Uses anger as shield, has walls instead of boundaries - often overreacts then isolates in shame (feels like "bitch"/"bastard" etc.) Terrified of being emotionally vulnerable - feels life threatening (to be "weak" "wimpy" "needy") Is terrified of needy, clingy part of self so reacts to perceived neediness by being cold, mean Terror of intimacy causes them to be unavailable, to run from someone who loves them - often feel that they are incapable of loving Sometimes uses setting boundaries as way of controlling Sometimes sees caring as being clingy *(aggressively controlling & manipulative) I'm going to work pass the charades... the exterior walls, the chains that bind me. I'm going to push forward. To walk through the fire. We have all been lost, trying to fill the hole in our soul with whatever we could find that would work in the moment to help us keep from feeling the emotional pain - alcohol or work or family or sex or religion or whatever. So, finally realizing that we feel lost can actually be the good news because we have to own that we feel lost before we can start to seek to find the Spiritual connection that we have been yearning for our whole life. I remind myself that if I don't know today then I am not supposed to know and that when it is time to know - I will.

Roy Lee Barnes (1936 - 2006)

Sandie — Thu, 02 Nov 2006 09:55:22 GMT

To My Beloved

Sandie — Wed, 01 Nov 2006 04:53:30 GMT

I will rise now, and go about the city in the streets, and in the broad ways I will seek him whom my soul loveth: I sought him, but I found him not. The watchmen that go about the city found me: to whom I said, Saw ye him whom my soul loveth? It was but a little that I passed from them, but I found him whom my soul loveth: I held him, and would not let him go. ......Song of Solomon 3:2-4 All your longings were mine I felt you but did not see I walked alone but you were always there with me I stumbled to find the way back home Not understanding that you were home You are my "Beloved" in this time and for all eternity...

I wish I was home...

Sandie — Mon, 30 Oct 2006 04:57:32 GMT

I moved to Louisiana because I needed some solitude and time to heal from my own demons. Tonight, I wish that I was home. This house that I live in seems to get bigger and bigger with each passing day. The only sounds I hear is that of my TV and my own footsteps as I walk down the hall. Nothing replaces family as I sadly found out tonight.

What Do You Say?

Sandie — Mon, 30 Oct 2006 04:26:26 GMT

What do you say to your little sister when her Daddy dies? She's a grown woman now but in my eyes she'll always be that little girl that used to follow me around. I remember her first word, late night feedings, bath time, and my own feeling of absolute joy when I held her little hand in mine. I was always the "Big" sister. Though I didn't often set a good example, I ws rebellious and determined to be free, she loved me unconditonally regardless. Now that Dad's passed away -how do I ease her pain? How do I still the anguish in her heart without breaking mine?

My Damn Dog

Sandie — Sat, 21 Oct 2006 02:21:25 GMT

Someone stole my dog. I'm pissed! He was so cute and little. He was funny and smart and my best friend. I miss him....

Louisiana Rain

Sandie — Thu, 19 Oct 2006 03:01:54 GMT

I was lying in bed...listening to Morrisey... so ready to drop off to sleep, and suddenly remembered that I left a letter to my mom pinned on the doorway for the mail pick up but since the mailman came to the back porch to drop off my packages, I was sure he didn't get the letter. I looked out the front door, and sure enough, there sat the letter waiting for him. The screen doors jammed so I have to walk around to the front of the house. It's raining hard. Do you know how much fun it is to walk in the rain with just your flip-flops on? To let the rain fall down on your hair and soak your clothes. Just drenching in it's warmth. The flip-flops sliding back and forth on your feet? I feel like I'm ten years old! :) Things like that make me really happy.

WTF

Sandie — Sat, 14 Oct 2006 23:06:58 GMT

Why do I feel like I'm getting punked? Oh yeah, it's kinda of like my 17th Birthday - when I waited for my date and he never showed up. He's 34 years late, but at least he's e-mailing me this time! WTF - I must be fucking crazy.

It's all good....

Sandie — Sat, 14 Oct 2006 07:15:56 GMT

See for yourself. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7a8nZCrP9Xo

Burning Bush

Sandie — Fri, 13 Oct 2006 18:38:40 GMT

More notes to myself: Test new soap on self before lathering up!

I've Been Goosed!

Sandie — Fri, 13 Oct 2006 17:43:00 GMT

Note to myself: Don't shave your legs when your cold. Razors and goose bumps don't mix!