1. Be famous. This is apparently the best method yet discovered by man. It's ideal to be a wealthy, smoky-eyed actor, but being a well-known local musician will definitely do in a pinch. There are varying amounts of ass available, of course, and a basketball player or a rapper is going to get a little more than the CNN weather guy, but listen, that's guy's getting his share too. Don't worry about the CNN weather guy.

2. Be "that sensitive guy." This is a riskier approach - admittedly, it will only work on a certain variety of woman, generally found on college campuses or in tea shops - but it's been known to have a fairly respectable success rate, provided that it's practiced with a modicum of balls. That is to say, don't be a little bitch about the whole thing, crying in bad movies and owning little kittens all the time. Listen carefully to what she has to say; reply to all her emails; and wear a turtleneck every once in a while. It'll work, trust me. If you've given it a whirl and it's not feeling genuine, try listening to some Ani DiFranco, and if that doesn't have any effect, scrap it, and move on.

3. Hang out in bars, and be that guy. I would recommend getting drunk, too; a sober guy hitting on drunk girls is vaguely ominous. It's just wrong. The bars are going to be at total crapshoot if you're in LA, Boston, or New York - however, if you're in Cambodia/Saigon/Bangkok, you might just get lucky! (Be sure to dip your penis is a tub of hydrogen peroxide afterwards, if possible.)

4. If you're 45 - plus, you might want to try that whole intra-generational thing. I'm not sure precisely how it works, but I always see some tall greying dude strutting around, followed by his tanned, rosy-cheeked, strong-thighed 21 year -old mistress; more often than not both of them look all blissed out, probably due in part to the girl being with someone who actually appreciates her limited worldview and who also knows how to eat pussy, and to the dude feeling secretly that he's "still got it", that he's a bucking stallion, after all these years.

5. Be a drug dealer/weed person. Those guys always have chicks. Owning a gun will draw certain girls to you, also. It's an "intense" thing. Don't go overboard and get a motorcycle, though - especially a Harley. That brings in a whole different kind of element, and unless you're ready to get a full-sleeve tattoo of the sun bleeding into a cloud which is also a skeleton-joker's puffy hat, then hold off on the bike.

6. (This is obvious but I'm still going to write it): J-Date .All the Jewish chicks you can handle. Some of them are even blond.

7. Be funny. Women love funny guys. If you're funny, you can pull almost any chick. It doesn't matter what you look like, as long as you make them laugh. You can be fat and disgusting (Horatio Sanz, e.g.) and if you're funny, you're turning pussy away. In fact, it's better that you're fat, to some women (keep in mind that you've also got to be funny, of course). Then, you're like the protective, Tony Soprano-like father figure that they never had. Which leads me to :

8. Just be their dad. All women want to fuck their dad, just like all men are searching for a Mommy to get into the sack. It's true. I didn't use to believe it, but now I do. As my friend's shrink put it, fucking is just nursing. It's literally as simple as that. But we won't get into that right now. Simply put: be their dad. Resemble in action and appearance. The issue, of course, is how - how can you do that, since you effectively have no idea what their dad looks or acts like. The answer of course, is to be dad-ish - be a prototypical dad, in other words. Try wearing a beard, witholding affection, and sprinkling an occasional "princess" or "pumpkin" into casual conversation. See what happens. No guarantees, but I've got a good feeling about this.

9. Try to make sure you get to the gym every once in a while. Being in shape probably won't get you laid (unless you're looking to fuck guys), but it will make you feel more vigorous and probably more confident in your sexuality. Do NOT make the mistake of trying to talk to the hot girl who's working on her obliques. It's not allowed. Just put your iPod on and leave it on. If you really must talk to her, you have to see her at least once a week for over a year, and at that point you're entitled to make some lame overture that will probably be rebuffed anyway. Believe, it's better that way. No one meets girls at the gym; if you do that you have to start working out together, which is really gay. All of a sudden she's dressing you and you're wearing wide-legged black rayon sweats with a stretchy waistband that hug your curves of your ass. Gym relationships do not work.

10. Cigarettes. On one hand they're horrible because they drain all the joy out of your life and make it hard to breathe, but on the other hand they've started conversations with many a hot girl, and you really can't fuck with that. You can't just summarily dismiss something that, with absolutely no preliminaries, creates an instant bond with the person of your choice. The danger, of course, is that you end up looking a little bit like a leech; some people don't like to be bummed from. But, then, these girls are probably serious smokers ( it's no longer "fun" for them to "share" their cigarettes); or, they're just plain selfish. So you didn't want to fuck them anyway.

11. Be a bartender. Other good professions for getting ass are fireman (duh), lifeguard (double duh), yoga teacher (everyone's high on life and opening their root chakras), swami (see previous), cult leader ( cult leaders can fuck anyone; that's the whole point of becoming a cult leader), and mattress salesman. There's also a lower tier of professions that are good for snagging pussy, or at least putting you in a position to do so: rabbi, psychoanalyst, high-school guidance counselor, and so on. There's also a sort of back-door approach that some guys have used with startling success, and that's to get a job that's generally associated with gay guys, striking while women's defenses are down. Straight hairdressers, theater directors, dance instructors, interior designers, and make-up artists have all been so deeply ensconced in top-shelf model pussy for so long that their lips are bursting from containing their cackling, gleeful laughter. But don't look for them to divulge their secret any time soon. That wouldn't be very smart on their part.