Brain says:

My coolest pumpkin ever

Jacquie — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 03:55:06 GMT

Also a belated picture - but I still had to post it. I decided to carve the snow white witch in my pumpkin for halloween while my husband and I visited my in-laws in Canada. One of the funnest (yes, it is a word) dates we've had, and definitely my best pumpkin EVER! HOORAY!

Baby Bump

Jacquie — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 03:52:57 GMT

This is some time ago - when I was around 23 weeks I think (I'm now a little over 31...). But, it'll give a glimpse. :-)

graduating

Jacquie — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 04:35:33 GMT

It's true! I'm graduating! And... I've been awarded a $36,000 fellowship to spend a year in Uganda. How awesome is that - getting paid to do what I love!?!??! And while we're on the subject of new beginnings (at least of a sort) and things I love, I'm coming back to circus. There's no reason that I can't be Mormon, and play with circus. Yay. 8-)

Where's Home?

Jacquie — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 00:17:20 GMT

So.. it's official. No more engaged. BUT, I am trying to see this as a good thing. We're still best friends. It doesn't change the fact that I love him, or that I know I'm going to marry him. Even if he doesn't know it for sure... This just gives us the next three years to prepare to be married... as I am SOOO not ready to be married. And he's even less ready. I can learn to do all the things I can't do right now, and figure out who I am, before I try to mesh myself completely with someone else. That being said... man is this hard. He's being a little bit of a turkey butt... or at least treating me like he's a turkey butt. It's really hard to love someone so much and sacrifice so much just to see him be a turkey. But... perhaps this proves the reason WHY he needs to serve a mission and grow up a LOT before he thinks about marriage. Now isn't the time for him to concentrate on anything but his mission... and I'll support him, even if that means that I'm not a happy camper all the time. I could use some of my own support... Ah well, I guess here's to self-reliance. Faith and love man... what an incredible yet difficult combination.

I made a decision!!!

Jacquie — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 14:50:58 GMT

I'm going to do my MD/MPH!! I'm not taking a backseat to anyone else's career, or life plan. I'm doing what's right for me. And I think I can even get in to where I want to go. University of Utah, here I come. I wonder how they feel about fire poi... he he he.

Life's hard

Jacquie — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 05:26:04 GMT

And I want a hug.

How far...

Jacquie — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 13:02:33 GMT

Would you go for love? For true love. Unthinkable. Passionate. Consuming. Eternal love. Born and bound by God. Between yourself, the most powerful woman you know, and who you know will be the most powerful man of his time. A love that reaches the depths, heights, and walls of your soul. A love that defies the notion of time. What would you do if you tasted it, breathed it, allowed it to define you, and had to live solely by the once made promise that it would return? If that love left you locked away in a tower of solitude for years? Would you stay? Or would you retreat to the comfort of the familiar - to the arms of others, to the consolation of friendship? If you made a commitment to stand firm in the truth of eternal love's promise, could you keep it? If nobody understood? If the world, bar no actors within it, thought you a fool, could you walk blindly through the fire? If the promise itself doubted your ability to endure, could you - the naked, real, entirety of yourself - bear the chastening of insult, the knife of doubt, and the lashings of emotion? How long can I stand? How long can I move forward in this canyon, blindly walking on faith that I will eventually reach the other side? Can I continue to trust the memory of what he once was? Can I trust in prophetic love? Perhaps the only thing I can trust is God: "endure, and it will not be denied you." Endure. Endure. Endure to the end.

The Dotted Line

Jacquie — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 16:30:17 GMT

I'm now engaged to a dotted line. It's me, myself, and I... we (myself and I) are celebrating our collective one year anniversary with the now dotted line on the 23rd. I think a nice slice of pie and some tie-dying is in order. Seeing as how Josh is a blank figment of my technocolored dreamscape. Can I make it in a relationship with him by myself for the next 2 years? Yes, I can do it. I will. Guess the hard part is figuring out how to deal with having no emotional anything. "The fact that we were both upset when we had a fight yesterday is still emotional dependency. We should be able to find joy no matter what happens between us. I have thought a lot about how hard this is for you... I mean I don't know how hard it is. But I think about how hard it is for you to see what seems like me trashing everything we - you- have worked for.." --- "STOP. JUST DON'T." You can't leave me and then tell me you understand how I feel. That's just salt in the wound. If you're going to leave then just leave. I'll deal. But don't understand me. You don't get to understand me anymore. So... yes, we're engaged and he's not "leaving" me... but what do you call it when you don't have the emotional, the physical, or the intellectual. You call it trust. Terrifying. So, here's to facing down my demons, and trusting that since God put us together, somehow He'll put us back together like a jig-saw puzzle one day so long from now... and somehow one day I'll trust him again. "Endure to the end." Okay.

Being insane restores my sanity...

Jacquie — Sun, 04 Nov 2007 04:06:14 GMT

I've been on a hiatus from circus for a while, and with tribe as a result. With my recent return to my faith, I needed to reclaim circus and primarily fire as a not BDSM experience. I didn't realize how much I associated fire with drinking and partying and bondage, and bondage with my past, and my past with not having dealt with it. But... c'est la vie. I finally found the balance. Or at least, I can go spin fire and balance and be happy and not associate it with wanting to do things I don't want to want to do. Not just be happy... have joy. Fire gives me joy now. And thus I guess it's time for an update... Josh is incredible. Recovering sadists fit perfectly with recovering masochists. We've been prepared our whole lives for each other. I've never been been happier or had more joy, and I figured out the difference too. AND, we're engaged now, although not getting married for a long time. He'll leave in March on a mission with our Church and be gone for two years. Pens and Paper out - writing only. But just think of it this way: what an increidible love story! I've also decided that I'm going to serve a mission with the Church. I'll be gone for a year and a half, leaving sometime between November 2008 and January 2009. Hooray for more pens and paper... To those of you who know what this means: Bring on the memories, I know I can handle them. Finally - I'm not alone. Ever. I'm heading to Uganda in March to help found a medical facility in Kaberamaido, Uganda. I love my kids. I'm posting them after this post. THEY'RE INCREDIBLE. I moved off campus to my own apartment on a horse farm. I have my own kitchen and living room and bathroom and bedroom... AND MY OWN DIRT ROAD!!! (This is very exciting) I live with my kitty. I've had him for 14 years since he rode home on the back of my Daddy's truck by accident. And now, rather than being stuck at home in Montana, he's here with me! And I'm awakened every morning by the sound of geese when their wings hit the water on the pond outside. So hooray. Hello to everyone and glad to be back. Really, glad to be back.

God...

Jacquie — Tue, 05 Jun 2007 23:22:46 GMT

is fantastic. I don't understand why everyone else can't just let Him be fantastic to me. Why do they need to send me information on why I'm wrong? Why do they have to leave? Why do they have to go buh-bye???? Why can't they love me anyways? It's not like I'm a different person. I'm still Jacquie. So sad...

Death

Jacquie — Wed, 02 May 2007 03:28:10 GMT

Helping someone prepare to die is a strange experience... I don't know what to be other than emotional. I know it was her time to go, but I'm still sad. The body's deterioration is both beautiful and ugly. And perserving somebody's dignity is in the end what's important for them. But it requires so much of the suportee. I'm spritually, emotionally, physically, and intellectually exhausted. And so honored to have been there, but I don't know what to do now. Everyone should hug anyone they care about, and realize that the only thing that matters is loving people. Everything else is pointless in the end. "Of these three things remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love."

Love

Jacquie — Tue, 01 May 2007 06:01:32 GMT

Falling in it... wow. God's amazing. That's all I can say.

Awww....

Jacquie — Sat, 21 Apr 2007 21:02:22 GMT

Aren't people amazing?? Dancing in the kitchen at 12 in the morning and not feeling like a fool... smile. =D *Sing* A Woman's Love... *Sing* Oh Alan Jackson...

Fire show

Jacquie — Mon, 16 Apr 2007 16:23:19 GMT

Was amazing. Everyone's acts were awesome. They were more on time with each other than any show I've seen. The tango with Alexis was hella intense. We got so many compliments on it. And it was so much fun. Thanks to all the wonderful people who made it possible... Hugs!!

Melting pictures

Jacquie — Fri, 06 Apr 2007 02:45:48 GMT

I recently discovered this amazing form of collage art in which I can take my sketch book and melt photos together and on to the page. Wow. So fluid and incredibly gratifying. It's an incredible expression of emotion and interconnectedness. One memory, one emotion, one experience transcending, morphing, melting into the next. Kind of like our new form of balance dancing. One movement flows in to the next and that into the next. Not forced. Not planned. Just flowing. An extension of mental capacity and emotional intellect that is beauty and grace and forms a deeper understanding of what physics can just not explain.

Partner Poi Fire Tango

Jacquie — Fri, 30 Mar 2007 17:27:34 GMT

So it's official, Alexis and I coreographed the first minute of our partner poi fire tango. We've got waist wraps, arm wraps, contact dancing, and partner 2,3, and 5 beats split and together time thus far. All to the Tango of Roxanne, and it fits nicely with the stolen love theme of the fire show this year. Passion. Love. Desire. Turmoil. Denial. War. Surrender. All fire. All emotion. I hope this works... tonight, we're doing the coreography on fire... and I am undescribably excited.

contact balancing

Jacquie — Thu, 29 Mar 2007 19:21:47 GMT

Yesterday we started doing contact improvisational dancing, and... it was AMAZING. It ended up in a flowing string of dancing that would lead in to balances completely by accident. The balancers bodies were deeply connected. It wasn't forced for the most part. I can't wait to incorporate this conception of modern improv contact dancing with poi. Thank you Kathy and monkeys!!!

Spiritual Fire...

Jacquie — Tue, 20 Mar 2007 13:25:19 GMT

When it flows. It extends from your body, and you just move. It's beautiful. Intense. Pain. Pleasure. Right. Wrong. Deviant. Passionate. Perfection, in any sense of the word. What else could one want in life than to be a part of something so amazing. To be engulfed in flames, to feel the heat of a slow deep burn, the touch, the sound, the smell, the taste, and in the moment, having the most meaningful conversation without any spoken words. That's what last night's dance was. Mmmm fire... I wonder if I could just have a relationship with my poi? It knows exactly what I want...

Mr. Pupeteer...

Jacquie — Tue, 20 Mar 2007 00:41:31 GMT

Recently I realized that there there is a person who attached strings to my life. And when he gets bored, he just taps the strings and says, "oh look, how amusing." Sometimes he amuses himself by creating amazingness but most of the time, he thrives on how upset he can make everything. He's still doing it from his grave. And thus, I dedicate this to him: Mr. Pupeteer, I NEED A BREAK! Go pick on strings your own size. I claim my strings as my own and now, I cut them down. Death to you, Mr. Pupeteer. Death to you, your memory, your control, and any pupeteering you use. I'm reclaiming my life AS MINE.

Stilts!

Jacquie — Thu, 15 Mar 2007 19:36:10 GMT

Last night, I learned to walk on stilts!! Next project ~ hula on stilts, and dancing like Bonk and Alex did! Swing, tango, salsa, modern... oh the possibilities. Thanks for my new toy guys!!!

AMAZING

Jacquie — Wed, 14 Mar 2007 21:51:26 GMT

HOORAY! My faith in human beings has been restored...

Need?

Jacquie — Fri, 09 Mar 2007 01:37:15 GMT

I was recently asked if I needed someone and I realized that I don't know what "need" really means?? I'm not sure that needs exist. Maybe they are all just wants. Or maybe you need something to fulfil a want. I don't know...

People...

Jacquie — Wed, 07 Mar 2007 22:47:46 GMT

... never cease to amaze me, both in their ability to hurt one another, and in their ability to care.

Burning Man!!

Jacquie — Sat, 03 Mar 2007 19:11:35 GMT

AMAZING... I can go to Burning Man for free if I volunteer with EMS there. I volunteer for a total of 32 hours, and they pay for my ticket. My two passions in life... IN THE SAME PLACE!! And a whole makeshift ER full of people that have mixed the same two passions... people are wondeful.

Meeting...

Jacquie — Thu, 22 Feb 2007 19:01:52 GMT

new people! YEA! I finally got on tribe, mainly to hook up with other fire people when I go about my travels, and of course to meet new interesting people and share crazy experiences. Excited excited excited...