My Blog

something off...

Sarah — Wed, 28 Nov 2007 21:36:03 GMT

today feels off.....or I feel off in this day... I feel like I’m going to crawl out of my skin and ooze around the city.... I feel like I’m missing something right in front of my face...sitting on a land mind i know in the back of my head is about to explode...as if I’m unknowingly unwilling shutting my eyes and covering my ears to it I want to jump down the throat of everyone who talks to me....i want to put everything on mute, including myself... i don't want to have a fucking polite conversation...i don't feel like being cordial....i want to be crass i want chaos pulsing around me so i can sit in the middle and quietly observe, whiling it to infect me with its beat...i want to fuck the madness i want to throw this god damn office chair through this god damn nice glass window front...i want to rip this maddening phone out of the wall and use it to bitch slap every ignorant fuck that insists on exposing me to their BS....i want to destroy the antique expensive chandelier that hangs above my desk and stain all the white around me....i want to spit in every condescending bustard’s face here that doesn't mind "asking" me to do all their errands, file, fax, create all their papers, deal with all their clients but can't remember my fucking name...i want to stand on my desk and scream revolution...evolution..Revolt..Rebel...feel..Resist apathy the sun is beautiful right now and there’s a smell in the air i want to ride...i feel like pulling my tongue across everything tainted.... I'm not particularly angry...i'm certainly not sad..i’m probably the most content I’ve ever been with my life..i’m in the most control of myself/environment/life than I’ve ever been..i’m just...off today

woo! i'm out of hiding!

Sarah — Thu, 03 May 2007 03:26:43 GMT

Yay! I’m DONE!!!! Well, done with this little chapter of life and done with this lame ass town and on my way to bigger and better things....and in need of a roommate and a job in the lovely, sexy, San Francisco (FYI-i'm looking now and trying to be moved in no later then August) If anyone has any suggestions of where I should look for either or both of these, PLEASE let me know 2 more years to a BA.....4 more years to a master…..and 8 more years till the presidency! Sarah for 2015!!! hahaha

A closure of sorts.....

Sarah — Thu, 01 Feb 2007 01:15:15 GMT

What is closure? This has been a question thats answer has eluded me for sometime now. Since there are so many events in whatnots in my life that i haven't really ever had "closure" on i never got what it really was. I would hear friends talk about ex's and say, "o, we had are final talk after being broke up for a month and that has brought me closure" or "I finally went back to my childhood house, i have closure" or whatever, and this concept was always very strange for me One major reason is i'm not a very emotional drivin or in general, touchy feely emotional person....when something happens i either logically think through it or if its just too much i avoid it and distract myself till i get numb to it or so much time has gone by i'm apathetic (yes,, i know this probably isn't good for that whole spiritual growth thing...but its on my to do list) ANYWAYS....today was my first closure...or what i'm now calling closure...i can't really explain how i know (i can't express my feelings, i just feel them).... anyways..this closure has been an on going (about 3 weeks) process, that today just ended....and though this probably won't fit many people's idea of "closure, it works perfect for me. I paid off a ticket...hahahaha seriously..ok there' more to it: After i came back from my ex's in Chico my life as it had been for well over a year was over and everything just slammed to a halt. I didn't know me anymore...i didn't really want to and for the few months following that day (August 13 to be exact) i did nothing but destroy and numb myself as much as i could...but anyways, a couple weeks ago i finally began...moving again. I have an obsessive organizational theme to my whole life and when that happened everything crumbled...but then, out of no where i was able to go back and put everything back together...i file all papers,statments,bills cronologically and catergorically in an accordian..i looked at how long it had been since i had filed...and to the exact week is when i stopped..i had statements from that week..that was 5 months ago...and i just got it all filed and organized again..i had parking tickets from that week...i just paid them now....my mom developed an old disposable camera...when i went through them pictures of me,the baby,and my ex were in there....and for the FIRST time last week i didn't break down into a crying fit and run to my liquor cabinet...it was still sad..but i was able to put them down, walk away and continue...moving...I have now gone over a month without looking at his myspace...and i have no desire or care to see what he;s up to...for the first time today i realized...i just don't care and not only do i not care..i accept it, i hope he finds happiness with the whore and i hope Ariana will grow up strong and even though i was the only mom she had till she was a little older then two and she still wont remember me i hope that she took a tiny bit of me in her (i know she started picking up some of my neurosises when i saw her open her little garbage with her foot,so she has my germaphobe tendencies':P) And i have completely let go of that stupid little hope of coming home and seeing him at my front door..i know its not happening..and i'm ok with that..almost glad he won't be there.....: ) : ) : )and today's ticket paying was the last reminisce from that week/day all appears and me are back in order....and i feel strangely...light...and i love i t: ) ***This by NO means my heart is anywhere near strong enough to come back out...its still in a frozen state of super protection mode...but at least i have me and my mind back****

what am i looking for?

Sarah — Tue, 05 Dec 2006 04:47:40 GMT

so, that seems to have become the question of the hour....or more or less its turned into a who am i looking for... i can still say..i don't know...BUT from all those that responded to my post on a couple of the BDSM, master & slave tribes...i can now say i do have a better view on how i am going to go about it...the who part you ask....well that i'm still not any where close to sure of...i think we will pick each other...that is my verdict :P Now, i've also come to realize..i need to get out more...but i must be honest...i'm shy,hahaha...now most who know me on here are probably saying "ya right, sarah and shy do not go together" but ,wheni'm alone..unless i retire into my own little world i'm very nervous... to just go out there...that does intimidate me a bit... and shut up! this is so hard for me to admit to any sort of feeling close to a weakness... so, next step! get done with this semester and finals (yay 3 more weeks!) and get out to some of those event and classes that i keep reading about and wish i went to (i'm VERY bummed to miss the Exiles class and party again this month)...i'm just going to go....and probably end up hiding in the corner and trying to blend into a wall...but i'm going to go and that more then 70% of the battle right there for me oi don't really know who i'm writing this too....but i feel better :)

few questions for everyone..anyone..talk to me, i'm lonely :P

Sarah — Sat, 25 Nov 2006 02:33:18 GMT

so, i want to talk to...anyone who can hold a decent conversation...sorry to sound like a snob...but seriously, if you have an opinion...SHARE!! :) ~Do you think compensation is tantamount to justice? i'm having mixed feeling about this one, I just don't believe personal justice is "right" in the lawful sense. If you go around expecting laws to correct all wrongs done to you, you create a vengeful judiciary system...not an unbiasedly fair justice system (please do not site any systems in place today...they're all crap and corrupt..yes, i know) ~ should there be circumstantial justice? i say no, but i've been coming up with examples that make my opinion waiver a little (ok seriously need someone to talk to instead of playing devil advocate with myself...thats weird and sad,lol) ~how do you feel about personal justice opposed to public justice? i link public in with societal justice, siting Socrates in my reasoning and his ideological stance on what justice is.... ok, so i have more...but if anyone wants to tackle these and them move on, that would be fun....i'm a nerd..shut up, in 10 years i'll be a rich nerd,lol thats makes anything forgivable right? :P

loosing my mind

Sarah — Fri, 17 Nov 2006 02:18:36 GMT

sooo i'm officially loose my mind i'v turned back into a full fledged insomniac...i have soo much going on constantly and so much coming up...my body now is in a fight clubish state.... i put almost a cup of salt in my coffee today and had to take a few sips to realize/figure out how and why my coffee tasted funny i'v ran into 3 walls today and have ouch bruises from each occurrence i winked at my teacher that i thought was sexy since i started his class...very inappropriate...but god damn..that would be so hot if he took me up on that wink...i eye fuck people..i need to stop doing that.... i can't keep my mind on anything which is bad since its needed everywhere right now for everything i feel bitchy and have to really work at stopping myself not to lash out, snap and just be a mean sarcastic bitch to everyone..... and i'm pissed off that i'm bitching right now...i hate bitching...being cynical..ok, thats fine, i can deal with that..thats who i am...but bitching is annoying...i want to punch myself in the face actually i want to punch a lot of people in the face...but thats another matter....i think i'm just feeling sadistic...and slightly masochistic iv gone from getting 4 hours of sleep to no sleep...didn't sleep last night..and i'm hoping after i get out of work (at 2:30am) i'll be able to sleep.... i've been havin some CRAZY ass dreams...when i do randomly nod off for 15 min i'll slip right into some fucked up dream...and i think i'm doing things when i'm not all the way awake or asleep...like, all my hair products and lotions were magically organized and arranged this morning...that kinda crepped my out..i don't remember getting out of bed last night....but i guess i did i fell into my car last night when i was going to class...i felt crazy...i don't remember why my seat was up...or why i didn't look down before i sat down...but i totally didn't notice and fell into my car....it was actually pretty funny...i laughed..you can too....but i have a bruise form that too people are going to think my boyfriend beats me up....well, in a bad way :P babble babble...i don;t remember the purpose of this blog..but here it is so if I've been distant or non existent in your life...sorry, i've just been crazy amounts of busy..i'll be back...um Christmas looks like the next time WHO ELSE IS GOING TO THE BUTCH/FEM BALL?!?!? I AM!! EXCITED? YES!!!! god i'm gay :P

soemthing to think on part II

Sarah — Thu, 09 Nov 2006 07:09:20 GMT

Should justice be flexible? what part of justice should be flexible the end? or the means? should justice really be subjectively based on person and the circumstance? should the ends be less harsh depending on these? isn't this what leads to the bureaucracy of the judiciary system? i have a millions things running though my head...i need conversation! Is it up to justice to ensure that everyone lives equally or simply give them the chance? what should justices role be? i have my opinions i need someone else's...my brain and I are lonely :(

something to think about

Sarah — Thu, 09 Nov 2006 06:29:13 GMT

so, many that know me know i'm passionate about politics and justice....so, i'm going to post some thoughts/questions from a reading i'm having to study tonight..and tell me what you think...opinions are most welcome on this blog i guess i should lay down the ground work before going off huh? I'm reading about one of the six questions of Socrates (if your not familiar with these I'd highly recommend reading them, great for some intellectual stimulation) anyways, the one i'm studying is "What is Justice?" This is a loaded question in itself...i will go into a discussion about anyone willing about why i said that, but if i go off now i'll be here all night, so first thought "Can one forgive without forgiving? who should decide what the proper punishment is? Can't one punish transgressors, at the same time as they are forgiven? Can't punishment be a form of forgiveness-not the sadistic and purely vengeful types of punishment, but the types that aim to rehabilitate, and the inculcate some social conscience? i have more thoughts...i'm thinking about holding off for a while till i find someone to talk to....or maybe i'll just keep putting blogs up as the night goes when my head is getting too full :P

sooooo, i have a stalker

Sarah — Wed, 08 Nov 2006 05:07:19 GMT

sooooo, yea, i have a stalker...and its kinda creeping me out. Ok, so i get this call late the other night. This guy named Christian says we met an the ball. First off, i did not give out my fuckin number at the ball...i came with two sexy bitches and had no need to be on the hunt. Then he knows my email by heart...hella weird, right...why would i be at the ball given out my email? Now, i was a bit...ok, a lot fucked up by the end of the ball....but i know i did not meet this guy! Most of the night i was either A) on stage B) behind stage waiting to go back on stage C) running to another stage D) flirting with Emma and comp. at Sion's/Shatters stage E) occupied with john between my legs behind stage (hahaha,LOL..woooo) i had no time for this guy...and he's not attractive...so i know, i didn't have time for this guy...WTF?!?! how does he have my number? how does he have my email AND myspace? and why does he think we knew each other in another life?!?! this is all very odd...i wish i had carried a recorder w/ me...then maybe i could figure shit out....but seriously...A LITTLE BIT CREEPY, no? i'm writing this blog, in case he finds my address and tries to kill me so we're together forever...there will be proof somewhere before i got killed, that i knew what was up :P i have a crazy paranoid imagination

yay me!

Sarah — Tue, 10 Oct 2006 19:08:09 GMT

haha, i'm sooo happy! all the working and crap i've been doin these past 2 yrs finally seemed worth it when my counciler finally said it..."your done, get out of here and put your application in" AAAa! i thought i had more to do...but no...one class...and i'm done bitches!!!! SFSU here I come! i'm done with this town...i'm done with this stupid JC...I'M A FUCKIN COLLEGE GRADUATE! all i needed was one class...whic is in progress...AAAAA!! it all finally seems real....i'm goin to a 4-yr. and a Jr. to finsih my BS...woo! i'm out!

THANK YOU

Sarah — Fri, 06 Oct 2006 04:46:31 GMT

YAY! thank you to all that made my birthday rock! that was fun and definitely not something i will ever forget yay police mandated spankings!!!! pix of that night will be up soon..Tommy was able to fill up an entire camera with people giving me birthday spankings...I LOVE IT!

ITS MY BIRTHDAY! WATCH OUT!

Sarah — Wed, 04 Oct 2006 17:34:25 GMT

AAAAa!! i'm at work right now...and i want to jump around...but since i'll A-get fired for lookin insane abd B- hurt my new nip pircings...i'll refrain...for now BUT O SHIT! i can't wait to see my girls...its my birthday bitches time to get wild and fucked up! buy me a drink, smack my ass, and wish me happy birthday!!

help with pix please

Sarah — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 08:10:45 GMT

ok so i just did a new shoot this past weekend and got some amazinly hot pix from it and i want to share...yay! sharing is caring :P BUT, everytime i try uploading them they don't laod or just take forever and not load...wtf? n e one have advice or can tell me wat i'm doin wrong p.s....... ONE MORE DAY TILL MY B-DAY!!! 20 BITCHES!! damn it, can't play the barely leagal card,hahaha

AAAAAA...hehehe

Sarah — Sun, 17 Sep 2006 01:34:30 GMT

woo davina's b-day party! watch out..girls gettin wild:P i'm nervouse..i'm excited...i hope i don't fall ...haha, i'm a dork

new pix

Sarah — Fri, 15 Sep 2006 00:32:33 GMT

hello everyone! well i have new pix taken by an amazingly talented and sexy photographer (me, have a crush, pshh :P) check it out

Need help on traffic..who knows oakland?

Sarah — Sun, 10 Sep 2006 05:16:51 GMT

sooo, i need to know Leaving oakland on a monday morning...is the traffic worse comming into oakland or leaveing...and i'm talking about the downtown oakland area/off telegraph? soo if anyone know the traffic situation of that area..pass ur knowledge this way thankx! hope everyone is havin a great weekend

gossip and drama is the lamest shit EVER

Sarah — Thu, 24 Aug 2006 19:12:49 GMT

sooo, how about this everyone..you here something and you decide you want to talk shit, why not talk to the person/people your talking about first. find out the facts before you spead the lies...and come one, how old are we people? this is ridiculously lame... i think we all know what i'm talking about...grow up, get a life, move on, and realize there is sooooo much more to life then trippin on stupid shit that isn't any one elses business..k?