My thoughts go "Kwa-ping!"

Fun idea from Bo

Melissa — Sat, 19 Jul 2008 23:08:05 GMT

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often, please post a comment with a memory of you and me. It can be anything you want -- good or bad. When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people remember about you.

New Tribe

Melissa — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 16:43:22 GMT

Hello all!!! I have started a tribe for one of my favorite singers, Nina Storey. If you've never heard her you should go do so now!!!! She's a pint sized powerhouse for sure. Here is the tribe link: http://tribes.tribe.net/ninastoreyfans?_click_path=Application%5Btribe%5D.Tribe%5B1421cace-7cc0-4529-853d-34ba384c0fc2%5D Here is her official web site: http://www.ninastorey.com/

It is what it is

Melissa — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 21:09:32 GMT

Life is an opportunity; benefit from it. Life is a beauty; admire it. Life is a dream; realize it. Life is a challenge; meet it. Life is a duty; complete it. Life is a game; play it. Life is a promise; fulfill it. Life is sorrow; overcome it. Life is a song; sing it. Life is a struggle; accept it. Life is a tragedy; confront it. Life is an adventure; dare it. Life is luck; make it. Life is life; fight for it.

Home again, home again

Melissa — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 02:51:42 GMT

Bula!!!! Here I sit in my own library trying to mentally sort through my 15 day Fiji adventure so I can highlight it for you. I’ve included some links for those of you who want to learn more about some of the things I mention and of course I’ll be posting pics too. The flight there was 10 ½ hours from LAX on the largest plane I’ve ever been on, a 747-400, which is 63 feet high (including the second floor) and has a wingspan of 211 feet. There was a neat GPS channel that I could watch in flight and we cruised at 38K feet where the air temperature was –60 degrees and our ground speed was 585 mph. I found that all very interesting, though David didn’t appreciate me waking him up to show him the info on the screen. :-) We landed at Nadi (pronounced NAN-dee) International Airport, which is very, very small, and then made our way to the resort where we would stay in a two-bedroom condo. Now, bear in mind that we left LAX at 11:45 pm on Thursday the 29th and arrived in Nadi at 5:00 am on Saturday the 31st. By crossing the International Date Line we lost an entire day somewhere over the Pacific. The resort was very nice. It has the largest pool in the Pacific with a swim up bar. The beach is just past the pool and while lovely to walk on, the waves churned up enough sand when they hit the shore that it wasn’t good for swimming unfortunately. There were, however, tons and tons of shells lying all over the place. The water comes up 6 feet or so at high tide every night and so, each morning; there is a fresh crop of shells on the sand. The nice thing about having a condo to stay in is that we had every breakfast, some lunches and most dinners there after going to the grocery store in Nadi, which was an experience unto itself. The pineapple they had there was actually better than those in Hawaii too (Shelly, you might have even liked them!) We took a tour on a two-masted sailing ship from the Denarau Marina to Tivua Island, which was a 1 ½ hour ride. Once there we went snorkeling, had a tasty BBQ lunch, walked around the island, picked shells and just generally relaxed until it was time to head back. We made several shopping trips into Nadi which was best done by taxi, the busses there aren’t what they use to be and most of the drivers think they are Dale Earnhart despite the fact that the roads look like they were under heavy cannon fire. On one trip into Nadi, looking for gifts for folks back home, we got to talking to a man named Lui, a native Fijian, and when I told him I was looking for a carving of their snake God Degei (http://www.tropicalfiji.com/about_fiji/Culture/Legends.asp#snake) for Kevin he took us to a local handicraft shop. Once there we were greeted with a traditional Kava ceremony (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kava-kava) and we sat and chatted with Lui, Moses and Josef before having a look around their shop. David had been pining for a Fijian weapon called a neck breaker (does this surprise anyone who knows him?) so we got him one of those as well as some other gifts. They did not have a snake but Lui said he’d carve one and I could pick it up a few days later… deal. J Afterward I said to my mom that four white folks, sitting down and drinking Kava with perfect strangers in a tiny handicraft shop in Fiji was a little dodgy. She laughed and we agreed that it was a great adventure though. At the far end of Nadi there is a Hindu temple called Sri Siva Subramaniya Swami Temple (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sri_Siva_Subramaniya_temple). Wow!!! What a beautiful, colorful building. They re-paint the ceiling murals every 11 years and while we couldn’t take pics inside the temple railing; we were allowed to take some outside the railing so I will post some so you can see all the colors on this temple; it was stunning. The number one source of income for Fiji is tourism; number two is sugar cane for which the four-man teams of workers are paid $40.00 per day ($10.00 per man per day). We took a tour to the Sigatoka Valley via The Queen’s Highway and went to the Kula Eco Park where we saw the endangered crested iguana (there are only 200 left), Fijian banded iguanas, all kinds of birds including a Harris Hawk, Peregrine Falcon and the red breasted musk parrot. Oh, and cute fruit bats too! We toured a native Fijian village and got to watch them re-roof the chief’s Bure (pronounced BUR-a); which is done every 40 years. The Garden of the Sleeping Giant… wow!!! (http://www.tropicalfiji.com/sights_and_activities/scenic_highlights/garden.asp) So many plants… so many flowers… so little time. We went to the garden as part of a tour so we had limited time there. It was raining a little but that just added to the cool, tropical experience… I have a lot of pics from here but I’ll only inflict a few on you. ;-) We toured First Landing at Viseisei Village; which is where the first Fijians landed from Africa about 3500 years ago. The chief of this village is also the president of Fiji so he was off in the capital city of Suva. Our guide there was very informative and articulate and he even sang a few songs for us in their church in Fijian, it was really lovely. Three days before we left the sky opened and it poured buckets of warm, tropical rain. This went on for a day and a half until Saturday night it stopped and we were given the most stunning sunset I’ve ever seen!!! The warm light shimmered on the calm ocean, edged the remaining clouds and burst through the air, making it almost touchable. I thought it was very nice of the island to give us that on our last night in Fiji. The trip home was, as before, long. We did get a tip from another couple at the resort though and we asked to be seated on the second floor of the plane. That area seats about 60 people and there were 10 of us up there. Awesome!!! We each got our own row and so we were able to lie down to sleep (except tall man David of course). Getting through immigration and customs was a breeze but then getting our boarding pass for the flight from LAX to Sac was a 1 ½ hour nightmare. We then had to time to get dinner and chill for a few hours before making the final trek homeward. Luckily we were off work today so we were able to restock our fridge, sort gifts and snuggle our kitties. We had a fantastic time and really want to go again but at the same time we are glad to be home. I missed everyone so much and I can’t wait to see you!!! Vinaka!!! (Fijian for ‘thanks’ pronounced VEE-na-ka)

Overlooked gifts

Melissa — Wed, 28 May 2008 15:07:23 GMT

A fresh pot of coffee you didn't make yourself. An unexpected phone call from an old friend. Green stoplights on your way to work. The fastest line at the grocery store. A good sing-along song on the radio. Your keys found right where you left them. Your turn......

Hot diggity damn for new music

Melissa — Mon, 19 May 2008 22:04:58 GMT

So one of my favorite singers has a new CD finally. Yay!!!!! Her name is Beth Hart and she sounds very much like Janis Joplin. I just hope she tours the states and comes by Sac (or somewhere close) so I can see her live! Check out her stuff and love the Beth, people!!! http://www.bethhart.com/

True words

Melissa — Mon, 05 May 2008 21:06:54 GMT

"True character of a person is defined by what you are willing to do when the spotlight has been turned off, the applause has died down and no one is around to give you credit."

New Tarkan!!!!

Melissa — Fri, 25 Jan 2008 21:31:45 GMT

So, for all of you who also adore Tarkan here is the latest.... Turkey´s biggest pop star is back! Two years after his last album “Come Closer” (sung in complete English) Tarkan goes through a metamorphose, a change back to his origin and more homegrown flavour: “Metamorfoz” is the representative title of his follow up, this time sung in Turkish language! The sound of the album defines its title: The mixture of synthesizer sounds and beats make the change of the once so-called Orient-Pop Star to a world-artist obvious. Tarkan´s poppy vocals with it´s characteristic oriental style give the album its finishing touch. His melodious song-writing combined with the western production make “Metamorfoz” a real experience! Here is the link for the video for his first single... enjoy... I know I did. :-) http://video.universal-music.de/?vid=2905&g=corporate

Holy crap... Heath Ledger died...

Melissa — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 22:41:01 GMT

NEW YORK (CNN) -- Actor Heath Ledger was found dead Tuesday of a possible drug overdose in a Lower Manhattan apartment, the New York Police Department said. Heath Ledger was found dead in a Manhattan apartment. The Academy Award nominated actor was 28. "Pills were found in the vicinity of the bed," police spokesman Paul Browne told CNN. "This is being looked at as a possible overdose, but that is not confirmed yet." The pills appeared to be over-the-counter sleeping medication, said police spokeswoman Barbara Chen. Ledger was unresponsive when he was found by a housekeeper who had gone to wake him for an appointment with a masseuse in the Soho apartment, Browne said. The apartment is owned by the actress Mary-Kate Olsen, The New York Times reported. Ledger was declared dead at about 3:30 p.m., Browne said. Ledger was born in Perth, Australia. He has a young daughter with actress Michelle Williams, his co-star in "Brokeback Mountain." http://www.cnn.com/2008/SHOWBIZ/Movies/01/22/heath.ledger.dead/index.html

Tribe pics?

Melissa — Fri, 11 Jan 2008 18:45:11 GMT

Is anyone else's Tribe page showing pics all squished and distorted? Mine have been like that since the big outage a few weeks ago. Any thoughts on who to contact about this?

Idiot Sighting

Melissa — Tue, 08 Jan 2008 21:57:02 GMT

THESE PEOPLE ARE AMONG US, BEWARE! IDIOT SIGHTING : We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not." Four is larger than two.." We haven't used Sears repair since. IDIOT SIGHTING: My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "you gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said we're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back$1 and 75 cents in change. Do not confuse the clerks at McD's. IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore." IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce. From Kansas City IDIOT SIGHTING : I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened in Birmingham , Ala IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with a coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS .. IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a lunch at Texas Instruments. IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less. IDIOT SIGHTING : When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi STAY ALERT! They walk among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE and REPRODUCE, and our enemies know it!!!

Send Unmata to Tawain

Melissa — Thu, 08 Nov 2007 20:46:01 GMT

Hello all. In true Unmata fan girl fashion I wanted to tell you about some workshops that they are doing in December in an effort to raise funds to go to Taiwan to teach and spread the love and magic that is Hot Pot and Unmata. They already have two plane tickets but need four more so... I thought you all might be interested in taking one (or more) workshops for fun and for a good cause. :-) The workshops are being held at Hot Pot Studio in Sacramento, CA, are $20 each and are as follows: Saturday Jan. 5 1:30 - 3:00: Flamenco Fusion with Kari Saturday Dec. 8 11:00 - 12:30: Veil with Luna Saturday Dec. 8 1:30 - 3:00: Reworking your wardrobe with Casey (I'm taking this one) Sunday Dec. 9 11:00 - 12:30: Women's self defense with Shelly (I'm taking this one) Saturday Dec. 29 11:00 - 12:30: Bharata Natyam (this is a style of East Indian dance) Saturday Dec. 29 1:30 - 3:00: Poi with Luna (You know I'll be at this one) So there you have it, spread the word. Anyone interested can contact Hot Pot at 916-308-9753 to sign up (I imagine you can also just show up with your money to participate). Not local? No worries, you can still join in the travel efforts and you can get hand made wire Unmata pendants ($20 - $25 for small or $30 - $35 for large or custom orders) or a nifty Unmata bracelet ($10) plus the usual tank tops and T-shirts etc. (of course everyone local or not can get Unmata goodies) Contact Hot Pot to order. So, please help send my friends to Taiwan!!!! :-) Visit www.unmata.com for more info on the troupe. M

It's the Great Pumpkin

Melissa — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 17:47:45 GMT

The police arrested Robert Aylor, 59+ year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday night. On Monday, at the County courthouse, Aylor was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, "You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around" he stated in a telephone interview. Aylor went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need.' "Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Aylor failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to Mr. Aylor and he's just banging away at this pumpkin." Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Aylor. "I said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?" He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said..... "A pumpkin? ..... Shit... Is it midnight already?"

Stolen from Treja

Melissa — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 20:14:01 GMT

Let others know a little more about yourself. Repost this as your name followed by "ology". Melissa-OLOGY Q. What is your salad dressing of choice? A. honey mustard Q. What is your favorite fast food restaurant? A. If I had to pick it'd be In-n-Out Q. What is your favorite sit-down restaurant? A. Marrakech Q. On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant? A. about 20% unless the service really sucks. Q. What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? A. Potatoes!!! (I have to keep this answer) Q. What are your pizza toppings of choice? A. Pineapple, black olives and macadamia nuts with a white garlic sauce Q. What do you like to put on your toast? A. butter or cream cheese wit lemon curd TECHNOLOGY Q. What is your wallpaper on your computer? A. a pod of manta rays at work and Rachel Brice at home Q. How many televisions are in your house? A. 1 and sometimes that seems like too many Q. What color is your iPod? A. I don't have an iPod, I have a Creative Zen Sleek and it's silver and white... honestly, there is more than one brand of these things ya know. ;-) BIOLOGY Q. Are you right-handed or left-handed? A. Right Q. Have you ever had anything removed from your body? A. both sides of my right big toenail. Q. When was the last time you had a cavity? A. When I was 18... so, a long time ago. Q. What is the last heavy item you lifted? A. a suitcase I think. Q. Have you ever been knocked unconscious? A. Nope RANDOMOLOGY, pt 1 Q. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? A. Nope, I like surprises Q. If you could change your name, what would you change it to? A. I like my name (I like my name too) Q. What color do you think looks best on you? A. Jewel or earth tones Q. Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake? A. do gnats count? Q. Have you ever saved someone's life? A. Nope Q. Has someone ever saved yours? A. nope DAREOLOGY Q. Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100? A. I'd do it for free but hell, if you want to pay me then by all means. Q. Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000? A. No. I like my fingers. But you can cut of YOURS and give me the money. (I'm keeping this answer too) Q. Would you never blog again for $50,000? A. sure Q. Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000? A. Sure Q. Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000? A. No, I'm not into that kind of pain Q. Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000? A. I think I might, yes. DUMBOLOGY Q: What is in your left pocket? A: probably lint Q: Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie? A. No, it was painful and I felt my brain cells dying with each passing moment. Q: Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house? A: carpet. Q: Do you sit or stand in the shower? A: stand, if I sat I'm sure I'd fall asleep and drown Q: Could you live with roommates? A: Does the hubby count as a roommate? :-) Q: How many pairs of flip flops do you own? A: too many according my the hubby. Q: Last time you had a run-in with the cops? A: since the neighbor's kid stopped going to bed so damn early. Q: What do you want to be when you grow up? A: I may be getting older but I refuse to grow up. Q: Who is number 1 on your top 8? A: From MySpace it's Carrie LASTOLOGY Q: Friend you talked to? A: Zia Q: Last person to call you? A: my mom Q: Person you hugged? A: Leah FAVORITOLOGY Q: Number? A: Seven Q: Season? A: fall Q: Book? A: There are too many to pick just one Q. Website? A. I'm not much of a Net Surfer Q. Month? A. October Q. Alcohol? A. Midori CURRENTOLOGY Q: Missing someone? A: yep Q: Mood? A: lazy. can I go home? Q: Listening to? A: The Cruxshadows on my.... Creative Zen Sleek!!!! Q: Watching? A. the computer Q: Worrying about? A: normal mundane stuff like everyone else RANDOMOLOGY, pt 2 Q: First place you went this morning? A: the shower Q: What can you not wait to do? A. go to Fiji Q: What's the last movie you saw? A: Movie: Idiocity (sp), TV: Bones season 2, documentary: Shark week Q: Do you smile often? A: Have you met me? Lol, always. Q: Are you a friendly person? A: I like to think so... I may be wrong, but I like to think so. :-) Q: Someone you wish you never met? A: no one. even the people I met that sucked have taught me something so..... ( I agree with this)

When insults had class

Melissa — Wed, 26 Sep 2007 19:11:15 GMT

"He has all the virtues I dislike & none of the vices I admire." -- Winston Churchill "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure" -- Clarence Darrow "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." ....William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway) "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -- Mark Twain "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -- Oscar Wilde "I am enclosing 2 tickets to the 1st night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one." --George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill...followed by Churchill's response: "Cannot possibly attend 1st night, will attend 2nd, if there is one." -- Winston Churchill "I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." -- Stephen Bishop "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." --John Bright "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -- Irvin S Cobb "He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." -- Samuel Johnson "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." --Paul Keating "He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -- Mark Twain "His mother should have thrown him away & kept the stork." -- Mae West "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -- Oscar Wilde

Stress management

Melissa — Tue, 25 Sep 2007 00:32:02 GMT

Sometimes when you are angry with someone, it helps to sit down and think about the problem.

As promised to Bo and for everyone else to enjoy too...

Melissa — Thu, 13 Sep 2007 22:25:03 GMT

Notes From an Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who had moved to Texas from the East Coast: recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event: _____________________________________________ CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. _____________________________________________ CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. _____________________________________________ CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer. _____________________________________________ CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac? ____________________________________________ CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks! _____________________________________________ CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: the best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone! ____________________________________________ CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. _____________________________________________ CHILI # 8 TOM'S HOTTER THAN A TEXAS SUMMER CHILI JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold, but spicy tough to declare it's existence. JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild or hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?

The state fair... um, yeah...

Melissa — Tue, 04 Sep 2007 06:34:21 GMT

I typically don't go to the fair for a number of reasons... the fact that it's five million degrees outside tops the list. But, every few years I write myself a prescription for "Suck It Up" and off I go.... this year I went and it actually wasn't terrible. The sea of humanity is, as always, amusing and alarming at the same time, and there are so many people who I hope never breed that I lose count. I did get my annual supply of grease tonight though by dining upon a giant corn dog, funnel cake and garlic fries but damn was it tasty. (Bo, I have cotton candy for you) We also had tickets for the Weird Al show which was awesome. We were only about 50 feet from the stage so we could see pretty well. Al puts on an awesome show; many costume changes and little video clips of the various things he done including mock interviews with K-Fed, Jessica Simpson... I mean Sampson, Celine Dion and Madonna just to name a few (Check these out on-line if you haven't seen them, they are hilarious). (Amy, I looked for you and Raven but didn't see you) So, all in all it was quite enjoyable... greasy food, great show, freaky fair-goers and lots of useless crap to buy... Yup, I'd say I'm all set for a few more years until I need to do it again. :-)

Grammar Lesson

Melissa — Fri, 24 Aug 2007 18:05:20 GMT

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says," This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks," What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned -- it will not work again for another year!" Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123." He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life ... just as the medicine man had promised. Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?" And that, my friends, is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition.

Random bits of randomness

Melissa — Mon, 20 Aug 2007 23:07:21 GMT

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt". Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet. The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious." TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. A snail can sleep for three years. Almonds are a member of the peach family. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. Babies are born without kneecaps They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age. February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon. In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated. If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite! Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing. The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid. There are more chickens than people in the world. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance. Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Fire... fire... fire...

Melissa — Sun, 19 Aug 2007 08:04:47 GMT

So, I spun fire poi for the first time tonight (under the watchful eye of someone who was practiced at it and all the necessary precautions were taken of course). I loved it. I wasn't sure if the fire part would really be my bag but the whooshing sound it makes as the poi rush past your head is exhilarating. I stuck to moves I knew I was already good at and had a great time with them. Some on my friends who were watching were a little stressed until I finished and the poi was put out but I was glad that no one tried to discourage me because I've only been spinning for a month. They were very supportive and I so can't wait to do it again. Thanks again and again T!!!!!

Spinning Balls of Fury!!!!

Melissa — Tue, 24 Jul 2007 05:37:55 GMT

So, I was at Nancy's house on Sunday and she had some practice poi. They were soft, yellow and fuzzy like a stray Muppet… and seemingly just as harmless, so I thought I'd give them a whirl... and they gave me a few smacks in the head in return. But, after an hour or so, and the help of Nancy's hubby, I picked up the three beat weave. Hot Damn!!!! So, now I'm hooked. I made my first pair of practice poi tonight and they work well. They are a little shorter than the ones I was using at Nancy's so while playing with them tonight I got whacked a lot. :-) Made me giggle though. :-) Thanks Bo for showing me not to be afraid of trying neat, new things. Thanks Shelly for offering to help me figure out how to really use them. Thanks Nancy for letting me play with your husband's glowing balls and thanks Tony for showing me how to wield them. :-)

Funny motorcycle story...

Melissa — Tue, 17 Jul 2007 19:21:07 GMT

WARNING: I wouldn't be drinking anything while you read this... Neighborhood Hazard (or: Why the Cops Won't Patrol Brice Street)I never dreamed slowly cruising through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Studies have shown that motorcycling requires more decisions per second,and more sheer data processing than nearly any other common activity or sport. The reactions and accurate decision making abilities needed havebeen likened to the reactions of fighter pilots! The consequences of bad decisions or poor situational awareness are pretty much the same for both groups too. Occasionally, as a rider I have caught myself starting to make bad or late decisions while riding. In flight training, my instructors called this being "behind the power curve". It is a mark of experience that when this begins to happen, the rider recognizes the situation, and more importantly, does something about it. A short break, a meal, or even a gas stop can set things right again as it gives the brain a chance to catch up. Good, accurate, and timely decisions are essential when riding a motorcycle... at least if you want to remain among the living. In short,the brain needs to keep up with the machine. I had been banging around the roads of east Texas and as I headed back into Dallas, found myself in very heavy, high-speed traffic on the freeways. Normally, this is not a problem, I commute in these conditions daily, but suddenly I was nearly run down by a car that decided it needed my lane more than I did. This is not normally a big deal either,as it happens around here often, but usually I can accurately predict which drivers are not paying attention and avoid them before we are even close. This one I missed seeing until it was nearly too late, and as I took evasive action I nearly broadsided another car that I was not even aware was there! Two bad decisions and insufficient situational awareness... all within seconds. I was behind the power curve. Time to get off the freeway. I hit the next exit, and as I was in an area I knew pretty well, headed through a few big residential neighborhoods as a new route home. As I turned onto the nearly empty streets I opened the visor on my full-face helmet to help get some air. I figured some slow riding through the quiet surface streets would give me time to relax, think, and regain that "edge" so frequently required when riding. Little did I suspect... As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it - it was that close. I hate to run over animals... and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels can take care ofthemselves! Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing the on coming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Banzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" as the leap was spectacular and he flew over the windshield and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly he set upon me. If I did not know better I would have sworn he brought twenty of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling,hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light t-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage! Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans,a t-shirt, and leather gloves puttering maybe 25mph down a quiet residential street... and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing. I grabbed for him with my left hand and managed to snag his tail.With all my strength I flung the evil rodent off the left of the bike,almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary pissed-off squirrel. This was an evil attack squirrel of death! Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands, and with the force of the throw swung around and with a resounding thump and anamazing impact he landed square on my back and resumed his rather anti-social and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared as the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in...well... I just plain screamed. Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel torn t-shirt, and only one leather glove roaring at maybe 70mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street... on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder. With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle... my brain was just simply overloaded. Idid manage to mash the back brake, but it had little affect against the massive power of the big cruiser. About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is a Scottish attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got IN my full-face helmet with me. As the face plate closed partway and he began hissing in my face I am quite sure my screaming changed tone and intensity. It seemed to have little affect on the squirrel however. The rpm's on The Dragon maxed out (I was not concerned aboutshifting at the moment) and her front end started to drop. Now picture the large man on the huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very ragged torn t-shirt, and wearing one leather glove,roaring at probably 80mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out his mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse. Finally I got the upper hand... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked... sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of, so to speak. Picture the scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn t-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing one leather glove, moving at probably 80mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car. I heard screams. They weren't mine... I managed to get the big motorcycle under directional control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign at a busy cross street. I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really. But for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. One of them was on his back in the front yard of the house they had been parked in front of and was rapidly crabbing backwards away from the patrol car.The other was standing in the street and was training a riot shotgun on the police cruiser. So the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway. That was one thing. The other? Well, I swear I could see the squirrel, standing in the back window of the patrol car among shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery,and shaking his little fist at me. I think he was shooting me the finger! That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car! I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made an easy right turn, and sedately left the neighborhood. As for my easy and slow drive home? Screw it. Faced with a choice of 80mph cars and inattentive drivers, or the evil, demonic, attack squirrel of death... I'll take my chances with the freeway. Every time. And I'll buy myself a new pair of gloves.

2007 Darwin awards

Melissa — Fri, 13 Jul 2007 22:22:49 GMT

Ninth Place: In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys. Eighth Place: A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run. Seventh Place: Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, for protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom on Thursday afternoon w hen it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital. Sixth Place: Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burgling. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor. Fifth Place: Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger. Fourth Place (my favorite): The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington, DC appeared to be the robber's first (and last), due to his lack of a previous record of violence, and his terminally stupid choices: His target was H& Leather & Firearms; A gun shop specializing in handguns. The shop was full of customers - firearms customers. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee before work. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, the police officer with a 9mm GLOCK 17, the clerk with a .50 DESERT EAGLE, assisted by several customers who also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt in the exchange of fire. Third Place: Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently failed to notice the window was closed. Second Place: Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay near by. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy salt water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located. The Winner... Overzealous zoo-keeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant, Stefan, 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves..."Shit happens."

New Tribe

Melissa — Tue, 10 Jul 2007 00:28:06 GMT

I didn't know who all read books by Laurell K Hamilton so I didn't know who to invite, I figure this is the best way to spread the word... I started a tribe for fans of Laurell K Hamilton so feel free to join if you read her stuff and spread the word to others who do as well. :-) http://tribes.tribe.net/laurellkhamiltonfans?_click_path=Application%5Btribe%5D.Tribe%5B9d9e2276-d7ee-4c5b-b83a-2a8f215e8691%5D