Your kink is not my kink.
And it may never be.
But that doesn’t mean one is better or worse than the other.
Only different.
And the difference comforts me.
I am comforted when you can freely and openly pursue your kink.
Because that means I can freely and openly pursue mine.


The Portland area is like the Baskin-Robbins of alternative lifestyles – there are at least 31 flavors at any given time. So you would think in a town with this much diversity, there’d be a corresponding measure of acceptance. Sadly, it seems in short supply at times.

Where swingers are concerned, there are many who proclaim how open, accepting, non-judgmental and hate-free they are, but when you scratch beneath the surface there’s often the caveat “as long as you are like me”. Or, “as long as I approve of what you are doing”. Or, “as long as I approve of who you are, how you dress, how much you weigh, who you talk or play with, and you always agree with me”. And because people have a natural tendency to want to be liked and accepted, many will buy into those conditions.

For if they don’t, it might be said they “don’t play well with others” or they engage in (gasp! oh horrors!) “drama”. It might even be said they are “rude” and that the community must be protected from their behavior. Yes, all because they are different or they disagree with a popular person or idea. (We can’t have that; they must be stopped!) And so the hate machine kicks into high gear, lies are perpetuated, and members of the tribe are pushed out in the name of “protecting” the others. Oh it’s true – someone’s interests are being served. But don’t fool yourself into believing that intentionally hurting people within our community serves the community’s best interests. It doesn’t.

If anything, it serves to show just how much we as a community still have to learn.

The need for education was underscored in a local Yahoo group recently when a young swinger indicated in so many words how distasteful she found the BDSM lifestyle, and suggested the larger community should be divided as a result. I believe she may have even suggested she’d take her toys and go home if that didn’t happen, but I chalked it up to youth and waited for the very thoughtful and polite responses that would be forthcoming from those in the community who had more experience and a greater appreciation for diversity.

There’s an old saying that children live what they learn, so if the young people in the swinging lifestyle appear intolerant and unaccepting of others, we must ask ourselves what example we are setting. One theory is that while there has been plenty of talk in the Portland lifestyle scene about capturing the dollars associated with this up and coming market, there has been precious little attention paid to educating and mentoring it (beyond the usual indoctrination on who they may and may not talk to, socialize with, have sex with etc. etc. etc. if they want to be invited to “all the right parties”.)

So why is this important and why should we care? Because if we can’t be accepting of one another, how can we reasonably expect others outside our lifestyles to be accepting of us? Because until that acceptance becomes a reality, far too many of us will live in fear of losing our jobs, our families, our children, and our standing in the outside community should our involvement in alternative lifestyles be discovered. Because every positive change begins with one positive act.

Your kink is not my kink.
And it may never be.
But that doesn’t mean one is better or worse than the other.
Only different.