so i notice trends and synchronicities a lot in my life. from the common 'hearing a word for the first time then its everywhere' to the month long period recently where i saw amputees EVERYWHERE! every time i went out there would be someone with one leg on the tram, or a guy missing a hand would ask me the time or be punching the buttons on the ticket machine at the train station with the stump of his forearm. then suddenly the 'stumpies' were gone and i havent seen any since.

yesterday i was at work, im one of those annoying telemarketers who call you out of the blue and ask you to give money to some charity that, its sad but true, you really dont give a shit about until i make you feel so bad about saying no you give anyway. so i called a man who was about to commit suicide. an ex doctor with bi-polar who had had everything he owned taken by the government because he wasnt mentaly fit to take care of his own affairs. divorced, kids wont speak to him, lost his medical practice, only given $120 a week to live on because he supposedly couldnt be trusted with more and then, the final straw, they had just taken his dog away. (way to keep a mentally ill person sane, take away everything normal and important in thier life) so, he told me, he had just layed all his medications, anti-depressants and such, out on a tray in front of him and he was going to eat them all one after the other and die. Now despite my firm belief in taking control of your own life, and if it sucks that much that you want to end it then more power to you for doing it, despite that ive grown up being told suicide is bad etc so i tried to talk him out of it, rather badly ill admit because of my shock and fear at the implications of what he was saying. after he listed all the reasons his life sucked in a cold tired voice he asked me why? why shouldnt he do it? and there was nothing i could say...

today i found out that a few days ago my good friend Bonnie's boyfriend Dan took his own life. i dont know how or the particulars of why other than that he was suffering depression pretty bad and worse since Bonnie, the love of his life, had gone over seas for three months. i only met Dan once, when he showed up at my house on New Years Day with only 15 minutes notice that he was coming, wasted on speed and alcohol, to make a Middle Eastern lunch for me and my housemate Flynt. he was the spitting image of Benecio Del Toro in Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas. a big big Tongan guy with hair as crazy as the look in his eye, fucked up on god knows what, wearing only some tiny shorts and sweating like his body was possessed by a demon, which in a way i guess it was. he sat in our living room while we ate and played guitar and recited bad but entierly amusing spoken word poetry and i juggled and laughed and enjoyed the day more than any new year i can remember. i wont miss him, i wont say any bullshit about his genious or anyting like that. i didnt know the guy except for that one crazy day. but ive got a cd of his music that he left in our mailbox by way of thanks and sometime when i listen to it ill think of that day and smile.

and when i die i hope thats how people will treat my memory