Dear Monika,

I'd like to pick that sexpert brain of yours. I just moved to San Jose and started hanging out in person with a girl I'd known for a long time, Laura. We have been friends for six years, but there had always been sexual tension, building up. After I moved here it finally boiled to a head and culminated in the single steamiest make out session I've ever had. We're at the library and nearly started having sex right there until someone told us to take it home. We go back to her place, ridiculous passionate animal fooling around and foreplay ensue, we climb into bed and for the first time in my life I can't get an erection -not even half way. The entire time until that point, I had one that could chop down a tree, but now, no go. We laughed about the ridiculousness of the situation, and she said she doesn't care, and 5 minutes later everything is working great and bam we have some of the best sex of my life. The problem is she's just interested in sex (which is AMAZING), but I'm looking for more of a relationship so we decide to be friends with benefits or whatever. Laura has a party and I meet her friend, Krista, who is incredible. I'm just moonstruck by this girl. The three of us are talking late into the night, and the girls start making out. Things are starting to really happen between the three of us, kisses everywhere, clothes are flying, my wildest dreams are coming true, but I can only get it like 3/4 up -not how it should be, not 19-year-old-guy strong. I still have sex with both of them, but I'm wondering what the hell is going on. I mean here are two hot girls! Later that night we start up again with no issues whatsoever, until after rolling through a bunch of positions, Laura is kissing and playing with Krista, Krista is on top of me, and man, is this girl beautiful. I start worrying, and lo and behold, I lose it, completely soft. I take a time out, and the girls keep going while I watch. Pretty soon it's back up and we all go at it until everyone is satisfied. I guess I'm just wondering WTF is going on. I figure maybe this is something that happens to a lot of guys but it's never been an issue for me and I'm kinda worried. I really want it back to normal so I can go back to just loving sex, you know? I'm sorry to bug you but it was just so hot with these two girls, and then this happened… is there something wrong with me?

Mike



Mike...

Gosh, don't apologize for asking a sex question. It's my pleasure and I *live* for exploring the ins-and-outs of how biology, psychology, and sexuality play together (multiple puns intended). I don't have my own penis to erect, but I get to play with them, and this downer happens more frequently than anyone wants to talk about… except the Viagra corporation, and that doesn't mean you should just go snorting Viagra. No really. Don't. It's not good for you.

Erection problems are like not being able to cum when everybody's waiting for you. He's trying to last, "please cum, baby, please cum, I want you to cum", and you close your eyes and you really really really try and the harder you try the harder it is. Whew, the pressure! Our vulnerable bits are bared, but then we have conversations that make us go deeper, get it off our chest, feel better, and then we all have ridiculously good sex afterwards because we trust each other, know our way around each other's bodies, and aren't freaking out about sex, which really goes a long way to improve sexual functioning!

Erections and orgasms are part of the Chinese finger trap that is consciousness and desire and the path to funlightenment - the more you get wrapped up in your mental state of worry, the harder it is to be really *present* and get what you want.

It's so cool that you could laugh at the elephant in the room. Ladies often think "is it me?", and if you say "I want you so much that my wiener needs a time-out. Let me [insert alternate naughty sex act here] for a just a minute" then nibble her nipples, go down on her, play your fingers outside and inside her pussy, and kiss, kiss, kiss her until you're so turned on that your brain isn't giving your penis any more problems. Or let's say that during this session you don't ever achieve the kind of erection that you want to put a condom on, what about telling her you'd like her to play with her clit while your fingers find and love her g-spot? It's hot if someone tells me to play with my clit, (not that I often wait for them to ask anymore, but it would go a long way in making me feel comfortable doing it if I was shy). Yes, "she said she doesn't care", and she really really really won't care if she's having orgasms at your hands, in your arms, on your fingers, and she'll always come back for more. That second time, you had two lovely ladies to distract each other (and yourself) from your wiener-worries, so while you felt more pressure, watching the two of them together really helped you get over it, didn't it?

The trouble here is just mental. You've got two hot naked grrls in front of you, you really want to perform, and you're freaking out about not being able to perform so you can't. The solution is: get control of your mind. Force yourself to stop worrying about it, either by focusing on some other activity and your partner, or by intentionally being present and focusing on the sensations you are feeling and letting them fill up your consciousness. Meditation can be kinda mindless, but it helps you get exactly the kind of mental focus you need. If you're not ready to meditate, the least you need to know (and probably already do on some level) is that you are not your mind; your mind is your tool. When it comes to things like sex, desire, and trusting life, our heat-seeking mammalian bodies know best. You just have to tell your mind to shut up and stop worrying. When you notice your mind start to go into a worry pattern, your mind is just babbling, ignore it and focus on her, focus on what you feel when you touch her skin, how she tastes in your mouth, how her hair smells, those gorgeous sounds she's making and literally distract yourself with the smorgasbord of sensation. Once you get into really worrying, it's harder to stop. It's like scratching an itch... it's a feedback loop of reality creation, the more you scratch, the more it itches. Tell your mind for once your cock knows best, so please shush while I do naughty things to these nice girls and feel all the marvelous sensations that God/dess gave us for loving each other. After all, sex is proof that God loves us and wants us to have fun!

Don't worry, have fun, and let me know how it goes... I LOVE talking about this you are never 'dumping' on me, I LIVE for the dialogue. Talking about sex is my True Purpose.

Love,

:) Monika