I've had a hell of a bad year. For some reason, this Doors song title seemed appropriate to discuss everything I've been going through.
It started at the end of last June, almost a year ago when the person I loved more than anyone in my life decided they hated living in New York or with me. Actually it started some two years before, as I've been prone to clinical depression and was locked into that state despite moments of happiness and love with someone who I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with.
When that person is no longer there, depression gets worse. But I did have some things to look forward to. I was building a new production company, but as always the case, it took much longer than I thought to get off the ground. I was struggling financially and emotionally for the longest time, also working on a book project with a partner that gave me the mental impetus to keep myself alive despite feelings that I didn't want to go on. I kept fighting to stay alive.
Then things got worse. Yes, my company was starting to get off the ground and things were starting to work, but my health took a weird turn. Strange things were going on that baffled doctors and test after test could not lock down what was going on with me. Depression causes stress, and stress can cause ulcerative colitis; a condition that I've had for years and was in remission, and ulcerative colitis can give you a string of seemingly unrelated illnesses, but that wasn't the whole story. Eventually we nailed down what was wrong with me and I'm being treated for it and my prognosis is good. I won't go into the details because I want to concentrate on keeping my spirits up instead of dwelling on what is bad and what could happen.
That was a wake up call. Somewhere amdist all this emotional, financial and physical strife, I found my warrior spirit again. I started rigorously working out, concentrated more on my martial arts, pushed hard to make my company succeed, and tried to find pieces of happiness in a life that was mired in just the opposite. It's working and will always be a work in progress, but I've been left changed by the experience.
I doubt that I will ever open my heart to another human being again. I'm not a masochist and have no desire to potentially repeat history. That's okay. Every person on this planet has to be responsible for their own happiness. Things change. Despite the health concerns, I've been looking my best. The workouts have done some incredible things to my body, as I look stronger than I ever have and I will just continue to progress. My business is taking off and I can see the financial security that has eluded me for a few years, reversing into what I think will be a huge success. It will always be work; something to continue, never take for granted, and continue to strive for the best.
So after one year of hell, I'm indeed breaking through to the other side.
The "Wonder Warrior" has returned!... and I have risen like the Phoenix!