Zach and I shared a cell in the 'Big House' for a while. He's the only guy I know who can make a shiv out of a half a roll of rolaids and a handful of potato peels--he's like Mac Gyver, Darth Vader and Zubin Mehta, all rolled into one. It scares me to think that if I hadn't killed that drifter, I never would have met him.

Zach Copley: America's Favorite.

Zach has a remote control device that he carries at all times that can cause seizures in any small (< 30lbs.) animal within a 100 foot radius at the touch of a button. This is the least disturbing fact about Zach Copley that I can think of. Clearly a byproduct of some failed lab experiment involving goat plasma and alien DNA smuggled out from deep within the bowels of Area 51, Mr. Copley should probably just be avoided at all costs, and when encountered in one-on-one situations, rapid retreat and heavy defensive countermeasures are highly advised.

You should be friends with Zach because he will systematically tear apart your innocence and shatter your faith. Enormous evil takes place right in the open--Presidents are killed, whole populations used as unwitting subjects of medical experimentation--and somehow we find ourselves accepting the most preposterous lies to cover it, because we have been brainwashed to snigger at the very word "conspiracy," even though we know that plenty of conspiracies have existed in the past. Zach does not snigger. He is a dangerous man, dangerous like certain books, or certain drugs; most people can interact with him safely, but some come away from the experience irrevocably changed. You take your chances.